Joohyun was on her way out the door when her phone rang. For once, she picked up without letting it go to voicemail. A freak accident.

Fate.

“Unnie?”

Joohyun’s hand dropped from the doorknob. At the sound of the familiar voice, she’d been instantly transported to the dreams that ran around her head on loop long after she woke up. The only difference was that, this time, she was able to speak.

“Seungwan?”

“Hi…” She could hear Seungwan smiling in the single syllable. She could hear the weight of the last five years in the silence afterwards.

Where have you been? How have you been? How is he treating you…? She couldn’t bring herself to voice any of them, afraid the other girl would disappear if she tried to bring up the time that had passed.

She dropped her keys into the dish by the side of the door. Setting her bag aside, she sat down on the couch, work forgotten. “How are you?”

“I’m good, I’m good. And you?” Despite the buoyancy of her tone, Joohyun couldn’t help but feel it a flat mimicry of the cheerfulness she remembered.

“I’m good.” There was a moment of silence. Joohyun inhaled. “Did… you need something?”

“I just. I mean...” The first crack in the façade. “I have a flight out to Canada in two days. I have to put my car up in a garage, so…”

“You need a ride to the airport,” Joohyun supplied.

“Uh, yeah.” She capped the statement with a thin giggle of relief. “It’s just that Seulgi is already out of town, and Sooyoung has guests in town…”

“And what about Eric?” Her husband would be the first person for her to ask for help.

“Um…” Joohyun could hear her breathe in as she tried to respond but didn’t. It was enough.

“What time is your flight?” Joohyun asked instead to a heavy exhale. As always, she was expressive down to her breath.

“Five… in the morning?” Her voice upturned in apology.

“And when are you dropping off your car?”

“Wednesday evening, I was thinking.”

“Text me the address.” Short, clipped. “I’ll pick you up around 7 and we can do dinner. You can stay the night here so we can leave early.”

“I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you…” But she had called in the first place. “I can get a hotel.”

“Text me,” Joohyun repeated firmly, giving no other option but acquiescence.

“Alright... I’ll see you tomorrow, unnie.”

The line clicked, and Joohyun let herself sink into the couch from the stiff position she’d kept on the edge of the cushion. Her heart was racing like she’d just sprinted up a flight of stairs.

She gave herself the space of a breath, then another before calling off work for the next three days. It was time she took some PTO. Next, she called Seulgi and left her a scathing message for leaving her with her ex. Finally, she stood up and looked around her apartment. It was finally time to do something about the dusty cold tomb it had become.

Her apartment was clean, her shirt ironed, and slacks pressed neat when she drove to the address Seungwan had sent her. Seulgi had never responded to her voice mail, which was probably the best for them both.

A second text from Seungwan led her to the right parking spot. As the numbers of the spaces increased, her fingers shook more. She resorted to clenching the steering wheel with white knuckles to keep them steady.

She wasn’t ready to see Seungwan with her hands idly folded over the handle of her luggage.

At the sound of the car engine, her eyes opened, and her lips spread into a grin as she spotted Joohyun in the driver’s seat. Joohyun’s heart gave a jolt, and she clamped her lips together tightly as she got out of the car.

This is stupid, this is stupid, this is stupid--

“It’s so good to see you again.” Joohyun could swim in the warmth of her voice even now.

“It’s good to see you too. Let me take your bag.”

Time hadn’t been kind to Seungwan. The last Joohyun remembered, her hair had been cut short, carefully styled. Now it lay long and limp, falling over her shoulders gracelessly. Her arms looked ready to break even under her sweater, and Joohyun had never wanted to see that tired smile on Seungwan’s face again.

“I’ll get your bag,” she repeated before Seungwan could begin to struggle with her suitcase. “Go ahead and get in.”

She nodded at the grateful expression Seungwan gave her, lifting the luggage into the trunk with ease. It was lighter than she expected for an international trip, especially for the other girl. She didn’t ask why.

“What would you like for dinner?” she asked when she got back in the car. Seungwan had her hands wrapped tightly around her arms, so she turned up the heat a few notches.

“Whatever you’d like.”

“Have you been in Seoul recently?”

Seungwan shook her head. “Not for a few years.”

“Then pick a restaurant; I can go whenever I want.”

Seungwan bit her lip, abusing the thin flesh before finally deciding on a traditional Korean restaurant they had used to eat at often. Joohyun couldn’t remember the last time she’d been.

The moment they walked in, Joohyun was transported almost a decade into the past in the space of a second. She remembered nights pressed arm to arm in a booth giggling over a late dinner. She remembered sharing tteobokki, their ankles discreetly hooked together, knees knocking against each other’s whenever they laughed. She remembered--

“Can we get a table?” she asked the waiter. “One by the window?” Seungwan didn’t comment on her choice, following along wordlessly. Joohyun sat across the table from Seungwan, feet carefully tucked under her chair.

They didn’t need to look at the menu, save a glance to make sure it hadn’t changed in their absence. Joohyun put in their order immediately, a nod from Seungwan to confirm she was fine with the selection.

As they settled in, it finally hit Joohyun that they were finally in the same place for the first time in half a decade. Seungwan wasn’t going to disappear if she touched her or fade away like mist in her hands. Even with the heavy weight that lay between them, it seemed too good to be true just to be able to look.

Joohyun could stare at her all day. Even as drawn and fatigued as Seungwan looked, Joohyun soaked in the straight line of her jaw, the delicate curve of her lips, the slight downturn hook of her nose. It was overwhelming, despite feeling more like remembering than seeing. Perhaps it was because it was more like remembering, years of memories stacked in layers being brought into the light.

“What have you been up to?” Seungwan finally dared to ask. Her eyes had been trained on the steam swirling above her tea during Joohyun’s observation. But now they wandered upwards, settling somewhere just below Joohyun’s gaze.

“Working, mostly.”

“So you got the job you’d wanted?”

“Yes.”

“I’m glad for you.” Her eyes curved closed as she smiled. “I’m really, really glad.”

“And you?”

“Same, same.” She fiddled with the silverware on the table before taking the cloth napkin and smoothing it over her lap. “I’m just taking a bit of leave to go visit my parents.”

“Are they doing well?”

She nodded. “’It’s just been awhile. International flights take time to arrange.”

“I see.”

Joohyun found her tongue heavy when she considered trying to talk about herself. She could tell Seungwan was struggling too, her answers laconic instead of the meandering monologues she remembered. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to tell Seungwan or didn’t care to hear. But somehow it seemed too weighty to do over the cheerful, careless chatter of other diners.

It was easier to talk about their mutual friends, Seulgi and Sooyoung with their new daughter, and Yerim with her recent song producing success. They could pretend that their friends’ found contentment was theirs as Joohyun ate rice cakes and Seungwan chased hers around on her plate without making much of a difference in the amount.

Joohyun paid the bill, but the receipt remained in the tray untouched. It hadn’t been a particularly pleasant meal, but neither of them stood.

“Are you happy, unnie?” Seungwan finally asked into the quiet.

Joohyun thought about it. She had a good, well-paying job. She had a nice apartment. She had friends that she hung out with on a semi-regular basis. By any standard, she should at least be content.

She shrugged. “Happy enough.” Now Seungwan’s eyes actually met hers, searching for… something. “And you?”

“Sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way you picture it, no matter how realistic you tried to be,” was what she carefully replied, finger tracing abstract shapes across the table. “It’s okay.”

It had never been okay, but Joohyun bit back the words on her tongue just as before. Both times, the words threatened to choke her. She finally signed the receipt, tucking her card away. “Let’s go; it’s getting late.”

The ride home was silent, heat turned up to an uncomfortable level to keep Seungwan’s teeth from chattering in the late fall chill.

“If you just get a change of clothes out, you can borrow whatever else you need.” Joohyun suspected that it was the cold more than anything that had Seungwan nodding so quickly in agreement. She rifled through her suitcase carelessly, pulling out whatever clothing her hand touched.

When they entered the apartment, Seungwan looked around with a frown. Joohyun had been able to clear away the dust, but she couldn’t hide the emptiness that spoke to how little time she spent at home.

“I just have one bedroom, so I’ll take the couch,” she told Seungwan as she hung up her blazer.

“You’re doing me a favor, I really couldn’t…”

“You’re not sleeping on the couch.” Seungwan didn’t argue, but she didn’t concede either, jaw set.

Joohyun sighed. “If it would make you feel better, we can share the bed. It’s large enough. I just want you to be comfortable.”

“Is it okay with you?”

Joohyun nodded, not thinking about it harder than she had to. “Go take a shower.” She glanced down at the clothes Seungwan had in her hands. “I’ll get you some pajamas.”

“Thanks.”

“Borrow anything you see in the bathroom; I really don’t mind.”

“Thank you.”

A half hour later, Seungwan emerged, engulfed in a pair of Joohyun’s pajamas with wet hair dripping onto the purple satin. Joohyun pressed her lips together tightly, but only took the dirty clothes from her to place them in a plastic bag. She returned to find Seungwan sitting on the edge of the bed, blanket turned down.

“Don’t wait for me; you need your sleep.”

“You’re the one driving,” she replied, but took the cue to finally slide under the covers.

Joohyun took clothes into the bathroom to change. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, flossed. For once, she caught her own eyes in the mirror, staring back into the empty expression. She frowned at herself, scrunching her face up before letting the tension drop with a sharp exhale.

Back in the room, she took a moment to uselessly rearrange items on her bedside table before gathering up the courage to pull back the covers and settle in herself. She clicked off the light, the atmosphere feeling far more intimate when the only thing perceivable was the sound of their breathing.

“Good night unnie,” Seungwan said when Joohyun stilled. She had been awake through all of Joohyun’s stalling.

“Good night.”

She closed her eyes, but she could hear Seungwan’s breathing, light and quick. She felt every move Seungwan made as she tried to get more comfortable. She wasn’t sure how she was ever going to get to sleep with her stark awareness of the other girl’s presence making her restless. It felt like her body was still attuned to Seungwan’s, pulled like the ocean towards the moon.

“Unnie…” She heard Seungwan turn over. Her voice was thick with exhaustion. “I missed you.”

Joohyun gave up on the pretense of sleeping and rolled over to face Seungwan. The other girl was closer than she expected; she could taste Seungwan’s breath, familiar on her tongue.

“I missed you too,” she said, more of an exhalation than words.

The dull ache in her chest returned, throbbing in the rhythm of familiar regrets. What if she had fought harder? What if she hadn’t let Seungwan walk away so easily?

An icy hand wrapped around her side, then slid up onto her back. When she didn’t move away, she found herself with her arms full of Seungwan. The other girl pressed herself along Joohyun, trembling lightly. Joohyun couldn’t tell if it was due to cold or tears but returned the embrace as though it didn’t hurt.

Seungwan moved her head upwards, and Joohyun felt lips on the line of her jaw. “Unnie, I…”

It was easy to tilt her head down, intermingling their breath. She steeled herself against the temptation to move any further, instead focusing on the way Seungwan was warm against her while her hands and feet slowly leeched away Joohyun’s body heat.

The hand moved up Joohyun’s back to her shoulder. It stopped there for a moment, as if testing its welcome. She remained still, and it moved further upward. Joohyun shuddered at the feeling of cool fingers around the back of her neck.

“Is this okay?” Seungwan whispered. Joohyun only managed a hum in response, closing her eyes as Seungwan toyed with her hair.

“I missed you,” Seungwan said again. This time, she was close enough that their lips were forced to brush past each other. Despite that, Joohyun still couldn’t see Seungwan’s eyes through the darkness.

“I missed you too,” she repeated back. If she were being rational, she’d pull away and untangle herself from Seungwan. But her mind felt like it was floating fifty miles above the earth. There was nothing but her, and Seungwan, and the small cocoon of heat between them.

Letting Seungwan kiss her then was as easy as breathing, as easy as the tide rolling in. She gave in and let her fingers tangle in Seungwan’s hair, using a leg to pull her in even closer. When she felt Seungwan running her tongue along her closed lips, she opened easily, eagerly.

The knot in her chest that she’d grown used to unraveled. She was dizzy with the need to be closer, to press into Seungwan until she was experiencing nothing else. She felt more than heard the whine coming from .

Seungwan chose then to pull back, leaving her panting.

“Is that too much?” Seungwan’s ragged voice produced both confused pride and relief.

Joohyun did her best to pull her spinning head to order. “What do you want?”

A whisper of a confession, pressed against Joohyun’s shoulder like a prayer. “You.”

She answered with her own. “You can have me.”

Seungwan shifted forward, but this time her face pressed into Joohyun’s neck. Warm tears and kisses landed on the sensitive skin there in equal measure. Joohyun combed her fingers through Seungwan’s hair before dropping her arm across Seungwan’s back to hold her tight.

“You always have me.”

Seungwan didn’t respond, but Joohyun felt fingers twist into the back of her night shirt, keeping her in place. Somehow, her too blunt honesty didn't scare Seungwan away.

With time, Seungwan stilled, her breathing becoming deeper. Joohyun continued to hold her, daring to press a kiss to the top of her head. In the comforting warmth, it wasn’t long before Joohyun followed her into sleep.

She didn’t dream at all.

The 4 am alarm was unpleasant, but she floated awake slowly. At one point during the night, she had rolled onto her back. Seungwan had resettled herself on top of Joohyun, a hand splayed wide over Joohyun’s heart.

“It’s time to get up,” she said, nudging Seungwan’s leg with her knee. The other girl simply curled her hand into a fist in protest, turning to hide her face. “Come on; we’ll be late for your flight.”

It was a shame, honestly. Joohyun traced a finger over the sharp line of Seungwan’s knuckles before enclosing her hand around Seungwan’s and pulling it away. She pushed the other girl over to the side, finally getting a groan and a stretch in response.

“I’ll make coffee,” Joohyun promised, reluctantly pulling away to leave the refuge of the blankets.

“Since when do you drink coffee?” Seungwan asked, her voice raspy first thing in the morning.

“I picked up the bad habit.” She shrugged. “I’ll go put it on if you want the bathroom first.”

“Sure, thanks.” Joohyun hovered by the door until she saw Seungwan’s feet on the floor before leaving for the kitchen.

Over the years, coffee had become a soothing routine. The bitterness had taken a long time to become palatable, but she enjoyed the mindless task of grinding the beans and the sharp, rich scent they released. Carefully measured filtered water into the top of the line coffee maker she’d bought simply because she could, level tablespoons of fresh, coarsely ground coffee beans in the filter. She had her preferred settings preprogramed to keep the drink mellow and sweet.

They day she brought the machine home, she’d spent a full day with the coffee maker and bean grinder manuals and an online guide to get the set up tuned. The bag of beans she’d bought had been left open the entire day, every cup afterwards dull and stale.

She didn’t care; she’d been chasing the smell, and the sour aftertaste on her tongue. Pretending to care about the coffee itself was just a distraction in the end. She was surprised the day she found herself looking forward to it, rather than resigned.

“You didn’t just pick up a habit,” Seungwan accused when she entered the kitchen and surveyed the setup with wide eyes. Joohyun shrugged, pouring the remainder of the pot into a to-go cup and handing it to her.

“There’s sugar in the cabinet, and milk in the fridge.”

Joohyun left her to it; she didn’t care to see Seungwan drink the product of Joohyun’s inability to get over her.

They left the apartment soon after, racing to the car in the sprinkle of rain. Joohyun cursed her lack of foresight. She usually checked the weather report in the morning while she had her coffee, but the thought hadn’t even crossed her mind.

“I have a coat in my suitcase,” Seungwan said when they were inside.

“I can probably reach it from here, if you want it,” Joohyun offered.

Seungwan shook her head, and Joohyun held in a sigh. “I meant, if you’re cold.”

“We’ll dry off with the heater; it’s fine.”

Despite the early hour, the drive was peaceful. The rain got heavier as they drove, tapping gentle static against the roof of the car. There were no other cars, just their headlights and the rhythmic passing of streetlights along the highway.

Absently, Joohyun found Seungwan’s arm on the armrest. She curled her hand over Seungwan’s wrist. It was nostalgic; it had been rare for them to be in the car together and not be linked together in some fashion. Either it had been Seungwan holding Joohyun’s arm or their hands entwined and resting in Joohyun’s lap. Their friends had conceded shotgun rights to Seungwan entirely just to avoid Joohyun's pouting.

But that wasn’t now. She made to pull her hand back, but before she could, Seungwan covered it with her own.

“It’s been so long,” she murmured, as though she was recalling the same memories Joohyun was.

“It has,” Joohyun replied, startled.

“I...” Seungwan exhaled loudly. Joohyun lifted her fingers to capture Seungwan’s in between them, clutching their hands together tightly. Out of the corner of her eye, Joohyun saw the other girl look down and smile faintly at the sight.

“We got divorced,” she said in a rush, like it was shameful to voice. Like Joohyun hadn’t known from the moment Seungwan had finally broken the silence that had held since Seungwan’s wedding day. “We tried to make it work, but I just…”

Seungwan gave her a crooked smile, and Joohyun wondered if the years had been the same for Seungwan. If Seungwan couldn’t help but search for similarities in her lover’s smile, touch. If she couldn’t help but expect a familiar scent and feel her heart drop when it was different.

Maybe she just wished that Seungwan shared the hurt she’d been carrying. That Seungwan still held her in her heart and last night wasn’t simply loneliness reaching out for comfort.

“I’m going home to let my parents know,” she finally continued, cutting through Joohyun’s increasingly selfish, self-pitying thoughts. “After all your kindness, I just thought it fair that you know, you know? It’s just still sinking in for me, to be honest.”

Joohyun finally pulled herself together enough to murmur, “I’m sorry.”

Seungwan shook her head, tightening her grip on Joohyun’s hand. “It’s alright, I think. At least, I feel better about it now. Seeing you, it feels like a dream.”

Did it feel like a dream that she got to see Joohyun again? Or that she’d just been through the mess of a divorce, or…?

Did it matter? She tried her best to cling to reality, but she couldn’t help the seed of hope being re-sown in her chest.

“We’re almost to the airport.”

Seungwan peered out the windshield. “Drop off is in the right lane.”

“I’ll go in with you,” she said, remaining in the lane leading to the parking garage. Seungwan didn’t even bother to protest, answering with a low hum.

The rain hadn’t let up, but Joohyun managed to find an umbrella under her seat. It must’ve been one she’d bought out of necessity, a tiny flimsy thing that would be destroyed in any amount of wind. It managed to do its job, Joohyun holding Seungwan around the waist to keep them both under the small cover.

“How much time do you have?” Joohyun asked when they made it inside, letting go reluctantly to shake the rain from the umbrella.

“About an hour,” she replied, frowning at her phone. “It starts getting busy, so I’ll have to leave in a moment.”

“This early in the morning?”

“Unfortunately.” Seungwan looked up and smiled. “Thank you for everything.”

“Of course. You’re always welcome.”

Seungwan didn’t look away. She took a step forward, leaving her suitcase behind her, then another. Joohyun held her breath as Seungwan slowly reached her arms up around Joohyun’s neck and slotted herself against Joohyun for a hug.

Joohyun returned it belatedly, wrapping her arms as far around the other girl as she could. When she did so, Seungwan settled her head into Joohyun’s shoulder, letting her weight rest on Joohyun. Her hair fell against Joohyun’s cheek, soft and smelling of Joohyun’s shampoo.

A moment passed, but when Seungwan made no move to pull away, Joohyun let herself indulge and relax into the hug. In some ways, it felt more intimate than the kisses they had shared the night before. It helped soothe the edge of anxiety that had been growing in her chest as they had approached the airport.

Her cheeks were red, heart beat a few ticks faster than it had been before when they finally pulled away.

“You have my number now. Please let me know when you get there safely,” Joohyun said.

“I will,” Seungwan promised. Her smile was… shy?

“Let me know when you get back,” Joohyun continued, pressing her luck. But Seungwan’s smile grew wider.

“I will.”

“Have a safe flight.”

“Thanks.” Seungwan finally took the handle of her luggage once more, turning to walk away. “I’ll see you.”

Joohyun watched her go. Partway down the hall, Seungwan turned, face widening into a grin as she waved one last time. Joohyun waited until she disappeared into the security line before leaving the airport.

Seungwan was leaving her once again, but this time it felt more like a beginning.