Empty bed, quiet dorm, tired body, tired soul. Kihyun walked around the dorm with empty eyes, taking clothes from the sofa, putting them on his shoulders, weeping the table, washing dishes. Kihyun can’t even bring himself to let out another sigh that only made his chest heavier about everything that happened right now to his groups.

 

Putting down the clothes to where they belongs to, Kihyun was choosing yet another sleepless night only to see at Monbebes’ love letters to Wonho. It was enough to shatter his hearts, but then he remembered about shownu, about Wonho’s departure, about the online defamation, about every ugly things happened right after they went around the world, right when they were having a grand comeback.

 

He was the judge when the group needed it, he was the mom when the members needed one, he was the doctor when one was sick, he was there to be the one holding the things they supposed to do no matter how hard it was.

 

But this time, it felt like it was beyond him. Losing someone, anyone will have a hard time facing their first time. After years, after enduring, after everything, more than anything, he felt like he failed at every role he thought he played well enough because he was losing someone in the process.

 

More than those practices till late at night, he had never felt this much of failure. More than anyone else, he was the one always observing, always around and being alert. But this time everything seemed to take him by surprised, took him off guard. As expected, worst things happened when the last you expected it and Kihyun hated himself for letting happiness flowed in his blood way too joyously.

 

Now Kihyun was reminded again why he had never let himself loose.

 

The members need no one else to cry in front of them. The members needed no one to breakdown and went to a complete hopeless state. And he will always be that person they needed. So that was why he can’t bring himself to cry, nor to sleep. But striving for perfection, he will always bring himself to his limits in every practices, performance they had.

 

Hyunwoo had enough hard time, even being the strongest mentally, only gritted his teeth, altho everything was shown through the veins on his forehead. Kihyun was afraid that if he didn’t be the one with at least the same strength with Hyunwoo, he would fell into yet another hole that now Wonho was falling into, thinking that he didn’t have anyone to hold onto to. And Kihyun knew he will always became the one they needed, altho he had failed miserably.

 

Walking to the sink and started to wash dishes, Kihyun stopped right after he the water. Instead of washing them, he wash his face. Bangs went wet, face went wet, cold. Kihyun stared at the water pouring down to the dishes.

 

He knew no one would want him to have this kind of thinking. He knew no one wanted anyone to blae themselves for what happened right now. Hyunwoo said not to think negatively. Hyunwoo said, be strong. But again, that one empty bed, quiet dorm, late night, alone.

 

Drips of water trailed everywhere on his face, it was cold he could feel it. He couldn’t stop thinking about the last track on the latest album. He wondered why it was there at the first place. Why should Wonho sang the chorus. Why the lyrics should say those repeated ‘See you again’. now it really felt like a farewell, the song he sang with his whole heart. The emotion, the feeling, the song, the group, the fans, the empty bed, the tears, the breakdowns, the mess.

 

Kihyun closed his eyes as his palms propped on the sink, the water was still pouring. He thought tonight was cold, he thought the water on his face was cold. But the water drips that fell from his closed eyes, wetting his lashes were all so warm, he hated it.

 

He thought if he stayed cold, he could freeze his heart, he could numb his feelings. But the warm tears melted every piece of shattered heart he tried to keep for himself. It leaked now, how hurt he was feeling.

 

“Please…” Kihyun whispered to particularly no one. “Please…” he whispered again, head was hung lower and lower, eyes were shut tighter, tears fell harder, chest felt heavier, tighter, more painful than ever.

 

Among those nights he thought he had done his role well done, finally Kihyun broke down tonight.

 

When he vowed not to be any more loose, he had lost it, the control over himself, and the his painfully throbbing heart. Kihyun held his chest, hit it with his small fist because he hated it. He tried hard not to sniffled to hard, but he couldn’t breath anymore. He had lost his last strength, he felt like fighting a losing war, he was shot in the heart. He wept tonight.

 

How could things went from 100 to 0 in a blink of eyes. He despised it, he really despised it, happiness.

 

Promises, times, friendships, loyalty, songs, singing, voice, music, Monsta X, Monbebes, jokes, anger, hard times, happiness, if he let him be honest to himself, he wanted to disappear from this world and felt not even one of them. His hands on the sink had become fists, knuckles-white fists.

 

“Kihyun-ah…”

 

A thick, low voice called out his name to gently between his restrained sniffles and hard sobs. He knew it immediately what just happened, who witnessed his break down.

 

“Hyung… I’m sorry, I am sorry…” Kihyun said as he gave that one person his back, tried to stop his cries in panic.

 

“It’s ok…” the low voice said again, way too gently to make his cry stop. Kihyun could feel the hand on his shoulder, tried to turn him around to face him.

 

But, Kihyun didn’t budge, he held it with the strength left that day. No, he couldn’t show Hyunwoo his cry. He shouldn’t let Hyunwoo see this kind of him. He should be strong for him. He should be strong for everyone. He should be the one filling in the hole, so no one was falling there.

 

“How many times have I told you? It’s really not your fault, It’s really no one faults,” Hyunwoo said softly, but still firm.

 

“I know, that’s w, why, I’m sorry, I am sorry, I’m sorry,” between the endless sobs, Kihyun could hear his own voice, lying, again and again.

 

Until suddenly, a warmth, gently, slowly wrapped around his body from in front of him. Strong arms, slim waist, firm chest, tight hug, overflowing gentleness.

 

Hyunwoo could feel it, the trembles, how skinny the body in his arms right now, how hard the sobs and sniffles had shaken up that body, Kihyun was endlessly whispering sorry and crying unstoppably in his arms.

 

Hyunwoo heaved a sigh.

 

Suddenly this word became too big, the time became so slow, he became so weak, everything became helpless, everything became his fault even more, and this person in his arms became more than too shiny in this world that became so dark  in sudden.

 

“I am sorry too, I am so sorry to you too…” Hyunwoo whispered on his ear as he held the back of Kihyun’s head with his large palm. “Thank you so much for being so strong for me no matter how painful it is…”

 

 

***

End