24 August 2018.

The day everything ended. The day my whole world collapse around me. You were my last shot, my last chance. Goodbye.

 

24 August 2019.

A year has passed, and well, nothing much has changed. Except for the fact that, I have gone through at least 4 failed blind dates and a couple of guys ghosting on me.

It’s practically a routine now. Started with a Hi, talking for a couple of weeks, finally going out for our first date and the next day, poof, gone without a trace. I like to think of it as, oh, he met with an accident and die. Because why not.

The way that none of these guys affects me when they leave, shows how much I’m used to this whole thing and nothing faze me anymore. I’m practically indestructible. And the only reason why I’m indestructible is that my wall is build higher now, and the number of things I share are kept to the minimum. And it’s all because of you.

 

24 August 2018

“I think we have to end this. Let’s stop seeing each other”

Those two sentences wrecked me so bad. It wrecked me to the point that I couldn’t cry. Nothing came out of me. How can someone who promise me a future together. Who promise me a list of things that we were supposed to do together simply leave me? Simply ends things with me. I was speechless, no words came out of my mouth. I wanted to run away, I wanted to scream at you, I wanted to kill you. But all I did was standing still, just looking at you. My heart was broken into tiny little pieces, my brain mushed, and yet not a single tear came out of my eye. I could not cry, there was nothing I can do.

“It’s not you, it’s me. You were perfect in every single way that I can ever imagine. Whoever that’s destined to be with you will be ever so lucky. “

I WANT THAT PERSON TO BE YOU. You are my destiny. I wanted to scream that to you. But nothing came out of me once again.

“Goodbye,”

I did not say goodbye, it was not a goodbye for me. I still want you. I still want your warm hands to hold on tight to mine. I still want your smile to light up my life. I still want your eyes to look at me as if I’m your whole world.

I don’t know how or when I made my way home, but the moment I step in my room and saw the picture of us together, I crumbled.

I crouched by the door, and all the tears that I’ve been holding on, all the emotions that I’ve been keeping flooded out. My heart aches. The tears that flows knows no limit. I cried my heart out. I want you back.

The entire night I avoided everyone. My phone was switched off, no one can reach me.

 

25 August 2018

I woke up the next day, and the first thing that I did was to check if there was a good morning text from you when I realised that there will be no such things anymore.

Because you have already said your last goodbye.

Somehow I survived the whole weekend. I plastered on a smile on my face, not wanting to let my family know what happen. I laughed excessively, I joked around and I go through my whole weekend like nothing happened, but little do people know that each night, I will vomit out everything that I’ve ate for the day, I will cry myself to sleep each night, and I will force myself to sleep with your voice being my lullaby, only to wake up because I dreamt of you.

 

27 August 2018

I called in sick to work. I could not stand another day of faking my smile and fooling others that I’m fine.

I got myself up, not wanting to spend another day crying at home, I found my solace at my favourite café. My spirits were lifted when I saw that there was no one in it. I took my place right at the corner of the store, place down my bag and my books before making my way to the cashier to get myself a drink.

I promised myself that there will be no more starving myself and no more vomiting out everything. Today I shall start anew and build myself once again. No more beating myself up, no more crying my hearts out.

But I guess fate have its own way to make my life miserable.

The moment I reach the cashier, Iris started to play. The song that you sang for me just a few weeks ago to made me feel better.

I wanted to run away but I was trapped.

“Hi miss how can I help you today?”

“Uhm, just an ice americano, to go. Thank you”

I tried my best to sound as normal as I can, concealing the anxiety that was rising up in me.

I can feel my hands getting clammy, my heart was beating faster and my eyes started to lose focus.

“Here you go miss, have a nice day”

I did not even bother to look up at the barista nor did I thank him. I grab the coffee, took my belongings and stomp out of the café.

The moment the sunlight hits me, and the only sound that I heard was cars driving by, only then did my heart beat started to go slower and I can feel the panic in me starting to dissolve.

A song. Not even sang by you. A song that you once sang for me. That’s all it takes to crumble me again.

 

31 October 2018

The past few months had been great. I filled my schedule with as many things as I can. Filled it with work and spending time with my family, whatever it takes to not allow myself to be alone and pondering over you.

I have slowly outgrown the habit of vomiting out everything that I ate and my body felt a thousand times better than it was months back. My smile has somewhat became sincere and my heart does not ache for you much more. I’ve long unfollowed you from all social media, I have not checked your accounts for months. I have no idea if you’re back with her, I have no idea who you are with currently. I don’t want to know.

Great I’m moving on from you. I’m stronger than this.

8.15am, I was getting ready to go to work. Everything was fine. Nothing in my room reminded me of you anymore. Pictures of us long gone, tiny little bits and pieces that I kept for the sake of memories now all gone in the trashcan.

But I forgot, forgot about one tiny little thing. The memory of our early morning texts, our playful bantering. Those can’t be erased, can’t be thrown away easily.

It came to me ever so suddenly, I was looking at myself in the mirror and tears slid down my face, my breathing hitched, my pulse quickens. I crumbled down to the floor.

I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you.

I blame my ego, I blame my stubborn self, I blame myself to not hold on to you, to beg you to come back.

I tried to rationalise myself. I am stronger than this.

But I couldn’t. I called in sick once more.

The only thing that was in my head was; Life is meaningless without you.

I’ve always thought that all those girls who were crying and begging for their past lovers were weak. Crazy. Subdued.

Yet here I am, finally realising that my life would be meaningless without you.

All the future we had plan together, all the road trips we talked about. The house that we envisioned. All those have no meaning if you are not by my side anymore.

It has been a long time since I felt this way, since I tortured myself into thinking I am worthless. You were my cure. You helped me when you first found out about my instability. You told me that you will always be there when I feel myself drowning and could not breathe. You told me that no matter how bad it became you will never leave me.

I grabbed my bottle of medicine, the only thing that truly have been keeping me sane for the past few months. After years of not taking the medicine, now I’m back with it daily, just to calm myself down and to go about my day as per normal.

1 pill, 2 pills, 3 pills, 4 pills. I took 4 times the amount that I needed. I hold it tightly in my hand. Contemplating whether to swallow it or not.

Life is worthless without you.

In one hand lay the pills, tempting me to end everything, promising an ending where everything will be peaceful, in the other lies my phone with our last conversation open.

This will be the last time. The last time I’ll go to you for help, because after this, there will be no more calling for help. Because after this, everything will be over.

“What would you do if life doesn’t mean a thing to you anymore? When no one can give you joy and no one can give you the meaning to your life anymore? I’m tired. I just want everlasting rest. “

It was supposed to be my last text to you. My goodbye message to you.

Ding

“Hey. Life . Things won’t go your way all the time. But only you can determine that everything will be fine. “

I did not expect any reply from you. For all I know you could have deleted my number, blocked me or whatever.

The moment I saw your name on my notifications. I could not stop crying. The pills that were in my hands drop down to the floor. I curled up in one corner and cried.

Ring ring

I did not reply to you and you called me. I did not want to pick it up. I don’t know what I’ll say to you, but my body defies me. My hand pick up the phone and answered your call.

“Hey” my voice hitched, trying to hide the fact that I’m crying.

“Listen to me. I really need you to listen to me. I’m here for you. Remember that. Now spill tell me everything.”

“I’m fine. By-“

“DO NOT PUT DOWN THE PHONE” your voice startled me. The last time you raised your voice at me, we were fighting over something petty. This time round, it was not anger in your voice. It was a plea, a desperate plea.

“I’m tired, I’m tired of living Yohan. I’m tired, trying to live up to people’s expectations and worse, I’m tired of being a disappointment. I hate that everyone is looking at me failing in everything in my life. I just want to end this pain.” I let it all out. All the feelings I’ve kept hidden in me all came out.

“I hate that you left me, I hate that I could not say a single thing to you. I hate that when you said goodbye to me, I could not even utter anything. It was my breaking point. I was not good enough for anyone. I was not good enough for you, Kim Yohan.”

I hear the long sigh from the other end of the phone.

“Hey, look, remember how we use to say that you’re the stubborn one. The one who will always fight at any chance just to have your say? Now you can be the stubborn one again. Fight, fight against yourself. Fight all these thoughts and give yourself a chance to see the wonderful things that can happen. You are only a disappointment to yourself if you allow yourself to be. You can never be a disappointment to others. Look what you’ve achieve all by yourself. Your diploma, your career. All these by yourself. You’ve been blessed with a brain. A brain that allows you to think. Don’t succumb to all these. You are better than these.”

Your voice soothed me. I stop crying.

“Babe, listen, I know what’s in your hand. I know what you’re trying to do. But I need you to trust me, can you do that.”

I nod my head, even though you can’t see it. But I sense that you know what my answer was without me answering.

“I need you to pick up that bottle, put back all the pills. Put the bottle at the highest cabinet in the kitchen. Do it now. Don’t try to trick me. Because I’m ending this call, and I’m going to video call you”

Right after you said that, you truly did end the call, only to find that you video called me. I did not want to pick it up. I knew you’re only trying to be nice to me, but truthfully my heart aches to see you once again. My heart aches to see your face, your beautiful face.

“Babe, pick up the bottle and put it at the top shelf now. I’m watching you. Do it now.”

I picked up the bottle, together with the phone. Climbed up a chair and place the bottle right at the top of the shelf.

“I’m only going to ask you to do this. Stay in your room for the whole day. Lock the door, pick up our favourite book, and read write from the first book. Can you do that for me?”

“Our favourite book?”

Our, I have not heard that in a long while. I love it, our.

“Yes, pick it up and read, read until you’re tired. Then sleep. Ok can you do that for me?”

“Uhm, ok. I will try.”

“Good, now I will end this call, but if any time you feel like getting out, you feel like putting down the book, call me. I’m here.

“Yohan, thank you.”

And with that the call ended.

I picked up the book. Our book. I remembered how we used to fight about this entire series. I have never heard of it and you felt scandalized about it. You made me read the first book, and then the second and it goes on. You bought for me the ebooks, but I love the feeling of traditional hard back books. I scour for them, and finally gotten the whole set. I bragged about it to you. Told you how I’m a much bigger fan now because I have the entire series with me.

That whole memory made me smile as I flipped to the first page.

 

I don’t know how many hours have passed, but the next thing I knew, I was done with the third book in the series and I looked up it was already 10pm.

My eyes were tired, my body begging me to lie down. But I remembered your words. Call you if I  were to put down the book.

“Hey,”

“You’re feeling better now?”

“Slightly..”

“Good, now can you try to sleep. Pull up your blanket, off all the lights. Sleep. Goodnight babe, “

Babe, you called me babe again. I miss that word coming out from your mouth.

“Mhmm.”

“Goodnigh-“

“Yohan ah,”

“Yes?”

“Thank you, thank you for today, thank you for picking up on my red alert. Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“You are worthy, reasons why I’m not giving up on you.”

Not giving up on me. You are not giving up on me. Maybe I can try to find the courage and have you back beside me.

“Yohan ah you said you’re not giving up on me. Will there be a chance of us being together again because you’re not giving up on me?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know if it’ll ever happen. But the reason why I’m not giving up on you is because we can still be friends. And friends should never give up on each other.”

It should have hurt me. The word friends. But somehow it soothes me. Somehow it felt like closure.

“Ah, but thank you, Thank you for everything. I lo-“

I stopped myself. I almost use the 3 curse words.

“Goodnight,”

“Goodnight Yohan ah”

I placed my phone by my side. Today was a terrible day but the fact that you pick up on my signals, you knew what was going on, I was at ease. It felt like closure. Closure for me. Closure for me to move on and from this feeling.

 

24 August 2019.

Here I am ended yet another date with another guy.

“Hey I had a great time. See you again maybe?”

I sent that, with no expectations for him to reply me, or even entertain me. Judging by the way he acted throughout the entire date, he was just waiting for the time to say goodbye.

Ok, he’s nice but his body language seems to show he is avoiding me.

Oh well, nothing new.

Nothing is permanent ever,