Looking at the lyrics sheet had Chaewon feeling a wave of nostalgia. 

 

“It's been a while since you’ve sung that song hasn't it?” Eunbi pipes up beside her, taking a peek at what's written on the paper the younger girl is holding.

 

“Yeah. Just seeing the title already takes me back. I remember practicing this.” 

 

It really has been a while.

 

Memories of her trainee days flashed through Chaewon's mind. The long and excruciating days and nights she spent pouring all her blood, sweat, and tears into doing her best. Practicing, hoping, and dreaming of becoming a singer… An idol to be exact.

 

Then, Produce 48 happened. An opportunity that she grabbed onto along with Eunbi. The same opportunity that led both of them to debut.

 

To become members of IZ*ONE.

 

A small, bittersweet smile graces Chaewon's lips at the thought. 

 

Never had she pictured herself ever singing this song on stage in front of thousands of people again. She had always thought she'd just lock away the song deep inside her heart along with the emotions and sentiments attached to it. But here Chaewon is now, after years of struggle, deciding to unravel a certain memory that has long been encapsulated in the particular song. 

 

“Are you sure you really want to sing that Chaewon-ah?”

 

Looking at her leader’s worried eyes, Chaewon gives Eunbi a small nod and a reassuring smile. “Yes. By now I think I’d be able to.” 

 

Chaewon could only wish that she hasn't forgotten. 

 

---

 

A heavy sigh escapes Chaewon’s lips as she looks at herself through their practice room’s mirrored wall. The lyrics sheet in her hands now slightly crumpled due to how her fist is tightly clutching onto it.

 

“What's wrong with you Kim Chaewon?” The girl exasperatingly asks her reflection in the mirror before she decides to slump down onto the floor. Her eyes shift to look at the reason for her distress. 

 

First Love

By: Utada Hikaru

 

“I thought I’d be able to sing this properly by now.” 

 

For a song that she has been so familiar with since her trainee days, it frustrates Chaewon how she just seems to not be able to sing it right. It was a song she used to practice as a trainee to improve her Japanese pronunciation. Yet, the pink-haired girl could only wish that it's the Japanese language that she's having a hard time with. Something like that could be easily solved by asking one of the Japanese members to help her. 

 

But it isn't just some pronunciation problem this time.

 

Chaewon feels like something is missing with how she's delivering the song. 

 

That something is lacking.

 

It doesn't help her situation that she only has a few more days to prepare. Even though their Japan fan meet is still a week away, due to their very busy schedules, Chaewon and the group doesn't really have much free time left for personal practices.

 

This is what brings her here, alone inside one of their company’s unoccupied practice rooms after she told the rest of her members that she’ll stay behind as soon as their rehearsals were done. Chaeyeon protested against it at first, worried and insistent that rest is far more important to them right now because of the upcoming workload they have. If it hadn’t been for Sakura who reminded Chaeyeon that she also does the same thing most of the time, and Eunbi assuring the main dancer that the pink-haired girl wouldn’t practice for more than half an hour, then Chaewon might’ve been with the other half of her members right now, inside their dorm, being anxious about the fact that she could have practiced just a tad bit more and fix whatever it is that she deems wrong for her performance. She didn't really discuss with their leader the amount of time she’ll spend practicing, but when the oldest gave her a pointed look after convincing Chaeyeon, the girl decided it would be best to follow. After all, Eunbi and the rest are all just looking out for her. 

 

Looking at the time on her phone Chaewon was greeted with a blaring 11:01 PM on her lock screen.

 

 

A minute past the time she promised to be back.

 

The girl unknowingly pouts. “Why does it feel like I didn’t even accomplish anything?” 

 

For the umpteenth time that day, a huge sigh dejectedly escapes her lips, only for it to slowly curve up to a small smile when her eyes settle on the picture she had set as her wallpaper. Chaewon had explained once that she set the person’s picture as her lock screen wallpaper because it’s a cute photo. But more to that reason is that because, with just one look at the person’s bright, smiling face, the pink-haired girl already feels fully energized again. A hundred percent better than whatever state she was previously in. 

 

Maybe it’s her cute eyebrows, or maybe the way her nose scrunches up a bit when she smiles, or those ‘hopes and dreams’ that’s all fluffy and soft to the touch. Chaewon can’t really pick one. All she knows is that she likes looking at her. Loves looking at her.

 

“Maybe I should stay for a few more minutes. They wouldn’t really notice-”

 

“They’d definitely notice.”

 

The cute voice that interrupted her made Chaewon turn her head towards where it came from. 

 

“Specially Hii.”

 

There, standing by the practice room’s door, arms crossed, is the person on Chaewon’s lock screen.

 

“Hitom-ah.” What once was a small smile on Chaewon’s lips grew wider at the sight of her favorite dongsaeng. Gushing inside her head on how adorable it is that Hitomi would often refer to herself in third-person.

 

On the other hand, an obviously fake frown forms on the younger’s face, hearing the nickname that the older often would with. “Ya. Chaewon-ah.” Hitomi playfully chides back.

 

Rather than getting annoyed, Chaewon just chuckles for she finds a Hitomi pretending to be mad at her, really cute. “Hey, I’m your unnie.”

 

“And also, how would you even notice that I’m not back at the dorm yet? I think you’re forgetting that we’re living in different dorms. To further back up my point, on different floors.”

 

“Hii would just know.” The younger shrugs proudly with a smile and walks towards the pink-haired girl sitting in the middle of the big practice room. When she reached her, Hitomi just casually sat beside Chaewon and handed her a water bottle. “Here. I figured you’d need a drink.”

 

“You and your water.”

 

“It’s good for your health you know! It’s much better than always downing Sprite or Cola like Eunbi unnie or Sakura unnie.”

 

Chaewon just nods in agreement before accepting the bottled water from the younger and drinking its contents. Their two oldest members do consume more than what’s considered a healthy amount that sometimes they can’t help but think that it’s borderline addiction. 

 

“What brought you here then? Did you forget something? You could’ve just texted me what it is you know.” The older girl suddenly questions, but when she was not immediately met with an answer from Hitomi, her innate sarcasm kicked in as she scoffed. “Don’t tell me you went all the way here just to give me water then?” 

 

“Yes.” Hitomi deadpanned, looking at Chaewon straight in the eye, flustering the latter.

 

The older girl’s speechlessness had the younger chuckling at the sight. With a playful nudge, Hitomi wakes Chaewon up from her initial shock. “I’m kidding unnie. I came here because you promised you’d practice for only an hour. I’m here to make sure you keep your promise.”

 

“Hey, where did you learn to tease your unnie like that?”

 

Hitomi only cheekily smiles as a response, when all of a sudden, realization hits Chaewon. “Who sent you to bring me back? Is it Eunbi unnie or Chaeyeon unnie?” They know she wouldn’t be able to resist this human rainbows and sunshine right beside her. 

 

“Eh? They didn’t send me here though.”

 

“Then who-”

 

“No one sent me here. Hii wanted to check up on you. Of course, I asked Chaeyeon unnie first if I could go and fetch you.”

 

“And Chaeyeon unnie was okay with you going here alone?” Chaewon is grateful that Hitomi went to see her. She’s elated even. The thought of Hitomi caring for her this much sends the butterflies in her stomach wild and has her heart beating a tad bit faster than it usually does. Yet she also can't help but worry at the thought of Hitomi going to the company alone and at night no less, just to fetch her. 

 

“No, she wasn’t. You know how Chaeyeon unnie can be a worrywart sometimes. But Sakura unnie was able to help me with that.” The smaller girl chuckles at the thought. 

 

There was a pregnant pause in their conversation. Chaewon could see how Hitomi looks like she was contemplating on something before the younger girl took her eyes off of her and shifted her gaze onto the floor. Her hands suddenly fiddling with the aglet of her shoelaces.

 

“I told her that I just want to make sure that you don’t overwork yourself...” Hitomi explains in a hushed tone, which didn’t really hinder Chaewon from hearing it clearly as there was only the two of them inside the practice room. “... And that I want to accompany you on your way back. You have always been by my side, so… I just thought that...”

 

Even with Hitomi trailing off and not finishing her thought, Chaewon was able to perfectly comprehend what the younger girl wanted to convey. And it would be a lie to say that she didn’t feel anything from it. Although Chaewon was able to mask her surprise at Hitomi’s statement, she couldn’t stop the blush that crept up her cheeks, and the genuine smile graced her lips. The older thinks it's a good thing that Hitomi isn't looking at her as of the moment, cause she's certain that she looks too happy than how she normally would portray herself. 

 

Still, Chaewon didn’t want to assume things. “You didn’t have to, Hiichan.” Her rational mind spoke for her. 

 

“But I want to.” Hitomi’s reply to her sounded very firm and sincere that it shocked Chaewon. Very different from the younger’s shy and fumbling sentences earlier, albeit still spoken softly.

 

And she can definitely felt her heart race at the simple declaration. 

 

How can I even refute to that?

 

“Let's go home then.” Chaewon soon declares as she stood, rendering Hitomi to look up to face her. The embarrassment that engulfed Hitomi earlier slowly went away and was replaced with something akin to warmth when she saw a softly smiling Chaewon looking at her. The older’s hand outstretched for her to take. 

 

“I thought it would be harder for me to convince you to go home and rest.”

 

“How can I say no to you basically asking if you could walk me home? Besides, you're too cute. It's hard to ever choose anything over you.”

 

This time it was Hitomi’s turn to blush. Her fluffy cheeks slowly getting painted with the color pink as she shyly took Chaewon's hand. “You're just saying that.”

 

With the help of the pink-haired girl pulling her up, the younger girl was surprised when she found herself standing suddenly too close to Chaewon. The latter is still sporting that soft smile, one hand gently patting her head, while the other is still holding hers. “No, I’m not. You're my favorite dongsaeng after all.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.”

 

Not letting go of Hitomi’s hand, the two of them proceeded to exit the company building together.

 

“By the way Hiichan…”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“… Thank you for coming to get me.” Chaewon intertwines their fingers and squeezes the younger’s hand. “If you hadn't shown up, I’d definitely still be in there, stressing myself out.”

 

Hitomi merely nods, rubbing her thumb on the back of the older girl's hand. “No worries Chaewon unnie.”

 

---

 

“Chaewon...”

 

“Kim Chaewon.”

 

“I–what— unnie!” Chaewon was brought back from her daze with the snapping of Eunbi's fingers in front of her face. 

 

“Hey. Are you okay?” Worried eyes met the younger girl when she turned to the older. “You were spacing out.”

 

Oh… it's happening again.

 

Feigning a smile, Chaewon tries to reassure Eunbi. “I’m fine unnie. You're always worrying too much… Just like Chaeyeon unnie.”

 

A small yet very meaningful smile And a pat on the back was all her leader could offer as a reply when they heard one of their staff hollered “5 minutes!” from a distance. 

 

---

 

3 days. 

 

There are only 3 days left ‘till their Japan fan meet and Chaewon is still not satisfied with her singing. Even though she was fully informed that she's singing for a ‘karaoke’ portion of the event and was told that it's okay to be laid back because what they're aiming for is fan interactions anyway, it still didn't sit well with the pink-haired girl to give the audience a performance that she is not satisfied with. 

 

With what remaining free time she had, Chaewon relentlessly tried her best in practicing the song. She would try to sing the song using different techniques and with the use of the recorder that their leader gifted her, the pink-haired girl would evaluate herself. But even with her efforts, she still thinks that there’s something wrong.

 

Throughout her struggle the past few days, however, Chaewon noticed how Hitomi had been constantly by her side. Whether the younger would stay and wait for her to finish practicing, or bring her food and water when everyone is on a snack break and she chose to stay behind, or simply just distract her by talking to her whenever she feels like she’s getting too absorbed into practicing that it’s already affecting her negatively, Chaewon was very thankful every time Hitomi was there for her. It isn’t as if Hitomi hadn’t cared for her in the past, rather, Chaewon felt overwhelmed this time, in a good way that is. She would be a hypocrite if she says that Hitomi’s actions didn’t make her day or make her feel like her heart grew two sizes bigger. 

 

And it made Chaewon think that maybe as long as Hitomi is beside her, even with all the problems that life would throw at her, she’d be fine.  

 

“Hiichan would melt soon.”

 

“I- What the!” Chaewon was startled at the sudden voice that whispered too close to her ear, making her fall onto the practice room’s floor. “Unnie!” The pink-haired girl then scowls when she sees the culprit chuckling at her misery.

 

“What?” Eunbi feigns nonchalance as she helps Chaewon to sit up. “What did I do?”

 

On the other hand, the younger of the two could only scoff at their leader’s antics. “For your information, I wasn’t staring at her.”

 

“Who said anything about staring?” 

 

Chaewon could feel herself starting to blush, flustered at the realization of her slip up. “I-I mean, y-you were implying that I was staring at her! D-don’t play innocent here unnie!”

 

Eunbi however, just shrugs at the accusation. “What I meant was, the weather is too hot and we just finished practicing so Hiichan is sweating buckets to the point that she looks like she’s gonna melt.” The leader clarifies as she pointed at a Hitomi who indeed is wiping her sweat while situated in front of a small fan along with Nako and Yuri. “See?”

 

A meaningful grin forms on the older’s lips, and then and there, Chaewon knew she lost to her unnie’s teasing. “Okay. You win unnie.” 

 

“You can be really obvious sometimes.”

 

“You just caught me off guard!”

 

“So you admit to staring then.”

 

“I-” Chaewon sighs and glances at Hitomi once again. The latter now playing a game with Yuri and Nako and is laughing wholeheartedly at the two. Witnessing Hitomi having fun unknowingly made the pink-haired girl smile. “Yeah.”

 

“You’re really growing up now. I feel like tearing up!” Eunbi then fake sobbed and even wiped her nonexistent tears making Chaewon give her a very judging look.

 

“You’re being overdramatic unnie. Please save the sentimental stuff for later. I still need to nail this song. There’s still something lacking when I sing it...” 

 

At the mention of her struggle, Chaewon’s grip on her recorder tightens and Eunbi can definitely see the hint of distress on the former’s face. “About that… Can I hear it?” the older delicately asks, eyes full of worry and sincerity, something that didn’t go unnoticed by the younger.

 

Chaewon was hesitant at first, not because she doesn’t want Eunbi’s or any of the girls’ help. She just doesn’t want to bother anyone about it. A lot of them in the group are selfless like that, and she’s one of them. But since Eunbi was the one who asked her, and is willingly offering her help, the pink-haired girl decided to give in. Handing the recorder to the one who gifted it to her, Chaewon could see the soft smile that formed on Eunbi’s lips. 

 

“You know,” The older of the two then put on the earphones that are connected to the recorder before playfully shooting the younger a disappointed look. “I feel jealous that you let Hiichan take care of you but you don’t even ask me for help anymore now.” 

 

“Unnie!” Chaewon huffs out slightly louder than she intended to. “It’s not l-like that. I did tell her that she didn’t have to…

 

… but she said it’s because she wanted to.”

 

A wide grin finds itself again on Eunbi’s lips, and Chaewon could feel how much Eunbi wanted to squeal. But before the older could even open , Chaewon shuts her up by covering her it. “No need to make a scene unnie. So, can you please help me now?”

 

With a nod from the older Chaewon retracts her hand, yet, Eunbi’s grin was still there, something that the younger decided to ignore. Instead, she presses the play button on the recorder that’s in Eunbi’s hand. Silence engulfed both of them as Chaewon waited for Eunbi to finish listening. Slowly, the pink-haired girl could see the brunette concentrating more on what’s playing through her earphones. The older girl’s grin faded and was replaced by a focused pout. 

 

After a few minutes, the recording stopped playing. Eunbi then took out the earphones from her ears and turned to look at Chaewon.

 

“You said that something is lacking right?” The older proceeds to ask the younger who nods while eagerly awaiting for her evaluation. “I think I know what it is now.” Pointing at her chest, exactly where her heart is, Eunbi gives Chaewon a small smile. “This.”

 

However, Chaewon stares at her with confusion written all over her face. “Unnie, if this is your way of mocking me about the fact that my chest isn’t as big-”

 

 

“Yah! Kim Chaewon!” Eunbi cuts off the younger, even lightly shoving her in annoyance. Sighing exasperatedly, the older pinches the bridge of her nose and dramatically shakes her head. “That was not what I meant! What I meant was ‘heart’!”

 

“Well, that’s what you get for being too cheesy.” The pink-haired girl argues with a mocking grin. “You could’ve just directly said it rather than be vague about it…

 

… You could’ve just directly said that it lacks heart... That it lacks emotion.” 

 

Even with the younger teasing her, Eunbi was still able to see how Chaewon’s tone changed and how her eyes shifted from anticipation to disappointment and worry. 

 

It wasn’t the first time that her lack of emotion when singing was brought up. Eunbi knew of this too. Throughout her Produce experience, something that the trainers had once pointed out is Chaewon’s lack of emotion when singing. With tons of practice, she eventually was able to fix this. So hearing the comment again got Chaewon all worried.

 

Indeed Chaewon was disappointed.

 

Disappointed at herself at the knowledge that she still hasn’t fully overcome that certain problem. Worried over the fact that she might not be able to fix what’s wrong about her singing. 

 

“I thought I was done with this problem already after ‘Into The New World’. I mean, I’ve practiced a lot, was taught and learned singing techniques, but still, it comes biting me in the back again.”

 

Hearing this from the younger, Eunbi pats the latter’s back. “You’re being too technical about this Chaewon-ah… Let me ask you something. Do you know what the song is about?”

 

“Come on unnie,” The younger girl looks at their leader indecorously. “of course I do. It’s about first love. I even searched for the translations of it.”

 

“I know you did. You’re meticulous like that.” Eunbi knowingly states. “But what I’m trying to say is, do you understand what first love is like based on those translations? Based on the song? Have you sung the song with the feeling of how first love is conveyed through the lyrics?”

 

“Well… not really.” Chaewon dejectedly sighs. 

 

“I have an idea!” The leader pipes up. “Let’s get your first love to help you understand.”

 

   

“What now-”

 

“Hiichan!” 

 

At the mention of her bandmate’s name, panic struck Chaewon. Getting all flustered, the younger felt herself blushing. “U-unnie! W-what do y-you even mean?!”

 

Amused, Eunbi laughs out loud at the younger’s reaction. “I’m getting your first love to help you. Maybe an outside opinion about the meaning of the song can help. And what’s better than getting it from one of our J-lines?” Leaning in closer, the older whispers. “Don’t worry, I’m good at keeping secrets. I won’t tell her about the first love thing.”    

 

Chaewon wanted to deny the leader’s claim, but before she could even refute, her eyes already caught a certain bread loving brunette standing in front of her and Eunbi, wearing an adorable smile that automatically makes her fluffy cheeks rise up.

      

 

“You called for me Eunbi unnie?”

 

“Hahaha no, Hiichan she didn't-”

 

“Yes Hii! You’re just the girl Chaewon needs!”

 

“Eunbi unnie what are you-”

 

“Y-you need me Chaewon unnie?” Hearing Hitomi say those words oh-so-cutely while giving her that confused face made Chaewon froze. 

 

“I-I k-kinda… umm..”

 

Beside the pink-haired girl, Eunbi loudly sighs. Chaewon tries her best not to shoot the older a glare. “You see, Chaewon here needs help on something, and you’re the perfect person to help her!”

 

Even with the confusion, Hitomi still nods in understanding. “O-okay… What is it about then? I’d be happy to help unnie.”

 

Placing both her hands on Hitomi’s shoulder, Eunbi gently pushes the young girl towards Chaewon and pats her back. “Chaewonnie will tell you. I need to go and buy lunch with Sakura now so I’ll leave you two to yourselves.”

 

With that, their leader was gone in a flash, tugging an oblivious Sakura with her, leaving a fidgety Chaewon behind.

 

“So, what is it that you need help with, unnie?” 

 

Seeing how Hitomi was expectantly staring at her, seemingly wanting answers to their leader’s weirdness-for lack of better terms, Chaewon grabs a hold of her nape and sighs deeply, trying her best to push down her embarrassment away. “A-about that, Hitom-ah…”

 

There was a long pause. A pause that Hitomi couldn’t seem to bear. “Is Hii not the right person? Eunbi unnie must’ve been teasing you again huh?”

 

It was stated very lightheartedly, but Chaewon could see how the smile on the younger girl slightly dulled, causing her to panic. “N-no!” The older girl caught herself denying a bit too loud and abruptly grabbing Hitomi’s wrist. “I-it’s not like that… 

 

… you’re perfect.”

 

The pink-haired girl wants to slap herself for that cheesy line she just said. God, Eunbi unnie’s cheesiness is rubbing off on me. 

 

“I mean, Eunbi unnie is right. I need your help.” 

 

After gently pulling Hitomi to sit down on the floor next to her, Chaewon carefully laid out her predicament to the younger.

 

“So… You want to know what this song means, is that it?”

 

“Yeah. Your own understanding of it.” Chaewon says with a small nod, handing Hitomi the lyrics sheet. “Eunbi unnie advised that singing the song based on how first love is conveyed through the lyrics can help me sing it with much more emotion. I’ve already got the translations of it, but I’m still not able to pull out the right emotions.”

 

Humming in response, the younger girl proceeds to look at the lyrics sheet. With how often she would hear Chaewon practice the past few days, Hitomi already knew what the song was. A famous Japanese song titled First Love. 

 

Hitomi scanned the lyrics quietly for good measure. Indeed it is a popular song, but she still wanted to be thorough. Seeing how the older girl has been working so hard, she wanted to be of help and she didn’t want to mess things up or be half-hearted about it. 

 

It’s for her Chaewon unnie after all.

 

Yet the more she understood the song, the more Hitomi was able to empathize with it. With every few lines she reads, she couldn’t help but glance at the person sitting in front of her as she also tried her best to push back the feelings that were starting to overwhelm her. 

 

Her feelings for her Chaewon unnie.

 

Her feelings that the song perfectly conveys.

 

After a moment of internally collecting herself back together, Hitomi shifts her attention back to the still fidgeting older girl. The younger girl breathes in and flashes Chaewon a small smile.

 

“Rather than how some people might think that this is about regrets over a failed first love or how first loves don't always work out, for me it’s different.”  The younger’s lips might be smiling, but her eyes were quick to look away again, not landing on the person she’s talking to, as if she’s trying to hide something. And it certainly didn’t go unnoticed by Chaewon.

 

“I think the song speaks about how your first love will always have a special place in your heart, even if your love failed, even if you already have someone new… 

 

… even after years had passed. Because it’s that person that made you understand what love feels like. Because you learned how to love from them.”  

 

Hitomi’s smile was still there by the end of her remark. It did waver, but it was still there. The younger girl’s eyes however now settled on Chaewon, and the older girl hopes that she’s just imagining things, because she doesn’t want the hint of sadness that she’s now seeing in Hitomi’s eyes to be real. Shel felt how Hitomi’s words carried so much weight in them, and it pains her to think that it might be because what the younger girl had said was a personal experience of hers.

 

That Hitomi might’ve had a lover in the past.

 

That whoever that person is, they still hold a special place in Hitomi’s heart.

 

Chaewon felt a tight grip on her heart. There was a bitter taste at the back of that she so badly want to just swallow back. But in the end she wasn’t able to.

 

“Have you ever been in love?” Her voice almost faltered. Almost.

 

Surprise flashed on Hitomi’s face, but also quickly disappeared. The younger girl smiled once more before she looked down. 

 

Chaewon was ready to take Hitomi’s silence as a yes, but before she could even change the topic, Hitomi threw her an unexpected question.

 

“How about you unnie?” 

 

She wanted to say yes. Chaewon wanted to let the younger girl know that it’s her. She wanted to just blurt it out so bad. Yet, the older girl didn’t. She couldn’t find her voice to say it. The pink-haired girl opens to say something, but nothing came out, making her hung her head low. 

 

“It’s fine Chaewon unnie. You don’t have to answer.” Hitomi genuinely says, looking at Chaewon.

 

“I just thought that singing this song for the person you had as your first love might help. If you have that person in mind while singing, wouldn’t the right emotions follow?”

 

It took a moment before Chaewon was hit with a realization because of the younger girl’s words. Slowly, her gaze went back up…

 

Sing the song while thinking about my first love.

 

 … and it automatically landed on a smiling Hitomi.

 

Chaewon’s first love.  

 

---

 

“Ready?” 

 

The staff’s question grabbed Chaewon’s attention back to reality.

 

Right. I’m almost up.

 

“Yes.” The brunette says with a small nod and a smile. Nodding back at her, the staff gives Chaewon her mic, steps back and starts to signal a countdown with his hand.

 

3,

 

Chaewon closes her eyes...

 

2,

 

… She breathes in deeply before slowly opening them again.

 

1.

 

The lift goes up and now Chaewon is standing on an unlit stage. She could hear feet shuffling about, probably the staff moving the couch that Eunbi used before her turn. After taking a step forward, she closes her eyes once again.

 

Sing the song while thinking about my first love.

 

Music slowly started to play in her in-ear monitor, and she could sense the spotlight on her. Very loud cheers were heard after.

 

Hitomi.

 

“Saigo no kisu wa tabako no flavor ga a

Nigakute setsunai kaori”

 

Opening her eyes, Chaewon flashes a bittersweet smile. In front of her are tons of people. Their attention is solely on her. Yet all that Chaewon’s mind could think of at that moment was Hitomi. The girl could still vividly remember how she confessed her feelings to the younger girl after their 1st Japan fan meeting. 

 

How nervous she was, thinking that Hitomi might avoid her after.

 

How she was ready to be rejected.

 

The most unforgettable feeling, however, was when the younger girl told her that she feels the same way. Chaewon felt like she was on cloud nine. 

 

But of course, it’s rare for feelings to last forever.

 

“Aa no imagoro ni wa

Anata wa doko ni irundarou

Dare wo omotterundarou”

 

Every time Hitomi graces her mind, Chaewon couldn’t help but wonder how the younger girl is doing. 

 

“Unnie, after we… disband, what will happen to us?”

 

Chaewon swallows a lump that formed in because of Hitomi’s question. She feared that dreaded day. Feared that once they separate, the love that they share would never be the same. That their feelings might also grow apart and eventually fade. What will happen to them?

 

“We’ll still be the same Hii. I don’t want to pressure you. We’ll continue to be just like this. And if you ever find someone who you’ll love more than me, someone who could fight for you, then I’d still be happ-”

 

“Stop saying that.” Hitomi cuts her off and snuggles closer to her. The pout on her face was unnoticed but Chaewon knows that tone very well. “Will you please trust me when I say I’d still love you and only you, even if we’re miles apart. I promise.”

 

There was warmth and reassurance in the younger’s words, making Chaewon smile. Planting a kiss on Hitomi’s forehead, she hugs her tighter before replying,

 

“Okay, I will.”

 

“You are always gonna be my love

Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo

I'll remember to love you taught me how

 

The memories she had with Hitomi started to uncontrollably flood her mind and heart, to the point that she almost felt like she would cry. 

 

“You are always gonna be the one

Ima wa mada kanashii love song

Atarashi uta utaeru made”

 

It’s been 2 years.

 

2 years since IZ*ONE’s disbandment. 2 years since she last physically saw Hitomi, since Hitomi promised her that she would come back and watch when Chaewon and Eunbi would have their first concert with their new group. 

 

“You will always be inside my heart

Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara

I hope that I have a place in your heart too”

 

2 years since Chaewon also promised to sing this song for Hitomi once she comes back...

 

… And the sad goodbye that they shared that fated day.

 

“Now and forever you are still the one

Ima wa mada kanashii love song

Atarashii uta utaeru made”

 

“Ch-Chaewon unnie I-I…” Hitomi was sobbing uncontrollably hard while being held tightly by Chaewon. “I-I I’m gonna m-mi-miss you so much. I-I d-don’t know how I’ll b-be without y-you by my side! I-”

 

“Breathe Hitom-ah. Calm down and breathe with me yeah?” Chaewon gives the younger comforting pats on her back. “Don’t cry… I’ll miss you too. So, so, so much...

 

… I also don’t know how I’ll be without you by my side.”

 

“You are always gonna be my love

Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo

I'll remember to love you taught me how”

 

The relationship they shared when they were in IZ*ONE was one that both of them didn’t want to put a label on, even when their members are very supportive. They were both in one group that they treasure and they both have dreams they still wanted to achieve. Chaewon and Hitomi knew that even though they both have feelings for each other, being in a committed relationship isn’t something they could afford yet. So they settled for what matters most at the time. That they love each other.

 

“You are always gonna be the one

Mada kanashii love song”

 

Now, it’s all just a memory for Chaewon. A memory that holds a special place in her heart. 

 

But nevertheless, Chaewon would always love Hitomi... 

 

“... Now and forever.”

 

As the music slowly started to fade out, Chaewon is now able to fully take in her surroundings. Loud cheers from their fans pierced through her in-ear monitor and the lightsticks each person in the crowd held made it seem like there is a blanket of stars laid in front of her. Chaewon felt so overwhelmed with emotions. With a bittersweet smile, Chaewon scans the crowd, wanting to absorb everything in before she goes backstage. A few tears that she didn’t know she was holding escaped from her eyes, rendering Chaewon surprised as she quickly tried to dry them. 

 

Chaewon couldn’t help but be so grateful that she’s able to receive a lot of love from their fans and the people around her… Yet she couldn’t help but still yearn for the love that she lost.

 

She’s very happy that she was able to make her dream become a reality… Yet it cost her the person she loved the most.

 

 

-----------------------

Hi everyone! 

 

Sorry for the delay, and thank you for understanding...

 

Also, thank you very much to those who subscribed. Let me know what you think about the story in the comments. I love reading your thoughts about the stories that I write so it's highly appreciated. :)

 

Love y'all.

Author out,

peace. :)