Notice: It gets kinda emotional at the end.

"Lee Changsub!" Sungjae's loud whisper rang inside that made-of parachute yellowish shelter. "I told you to not sleep, didn't I?" Sungjae said, rather lowly, not wanting to wake up his other troop mates sleeping next to Changsub.

He shook Changsub's narrow shoulder kinda slightly. The boy who didn't seem to give any signs of waking up shows only steady breath as an answer. And Sungjae thought maybe it was finally the time that he could do what he already witnessed from that puffy cubicle device he always watched every Saturday morning; about that scene from a parental-guidance-required comedy program.

Bringing his hand near to Changsub’s face, a thin curvy line painted between Sungjae's little lips. His fingertip finally landed on that round nose. Ah, how could it be this soft! He thought. Then after three and four, his smile grew wider as he pinched that soft nose with his thumb and index finger, covering the holes.

Changsub's eyebrows went down, frowning. His head turned to the left and right, and his mouth gaping narrow for air. Sungjae tried his best to suppress his laughter. And when Changsub's eyes fluttered, it was the time to let go. Sungjae was not going to make him die, of course.

"Lee Changsub," he called once again.

Changsub opened his eyes under his frowning brows, blinking a few times to adjust even with the dim light.

"You said you wanna see firefly. Now is the time," Sungjae said, trying to pull Changsub’s arm to drag him outside impatiently.

Firefly

      "Do we really have to spend a night here? It's getting chilly these days, you know!" Changsub says as he examines his surroundings.

      Sungjae sighs, glancing at Changsub who sits on top of a log, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Turning his eyes back on the almost built up tent, Sungjae mutters, "At least be quiet if you don’t wanna help!"

      "Hey, you said we were just gonna go fishing but what's with that stuff?" Changsub remarks, still not believing that he has been tricked by Yook Sungjae. Note to self, Lee Changsub. Listen well to your head next time, especially when you see Sungjae asking you out on a date while his car is packed with suspicious bags and baskets.

      "The last time we camped out was when we were in elementary school. It's hard to set a schedule now since weekend doesn't feel like weekend anymore," Sungjae replies.

      "Exactly. I have a PPT to work on due to Monday!"

      "You can do that tomorrow when we go back to Seoul," Sungjae dusts his pants after finishing the shelter. Stepping back, he brings his hands in front of his eyes to form a square with his fingers, measuring the building. “Not bad,” he breathed.

      "At least tell me in advance so I could prepare extra clothes to bring," Changsub complains once again about how he comes unprepared to only wear a piece of his favorite grey hoodie on his body.

      Sungjae then approaches him, "Then you will also bring your computer, printer, and… I don’t know, your whole working space, I predict. I knew you too well."

      "You’re just making things up! You took me here unplanned and you dare saying you knew me so w-- w...what are you doing?" Changsub shrieks, widely eyeing the blade Sungjae shoves in front of him.

      "You gather the firewoods. Why so terrified?" Sungjae asks with a mischievous smile on his face like a psychopath.

      What kind of person is Yook Sungjae? Changsub wonders. The more Changsub spends time with him, the more he can't understand him. His whole life of knowing and befriending –having a romantic relationship– with a guy named Sungjae feels like nothing but a headache. For him, Sungjae is like a box of a gift, wrapped in multiple layers of papers in which you will find another layer after you finish tearing one. It's annoying. Maybe it's not a perfect metaphor, but Changsub is more than one hundred percent sure about the annoying part.

      Turning his head in the other's direction, Changsub looks at him from afar. Sungjae is preparing his fishing equipment with a foolish face. Maybe not foolish, in fact, the other is the best-looking guy among people Changsub knows. It's just that he always has those sparkly eyes and smiles with him, like a kid. Changsub still remembered clearly how they resemble the ones during his younger days. Even now at the end of his twenties, that face never changed and the bright spirit never leaves him. It is Yook Sungjae who, in Changsub's opinion, refuses to grow up.

      Nevertheless, Changsub chooses to enjoy this sudden camp-out as much as he can. As if spending the night in the woods with only Yook Sungjae is not enough to boost his anxiety up. No, he trusts him. He believes that Sungjae is reliable enough to keep them both away from danger. Changsub himself can't tell the indescribable emotion or whatever it is inside his chest that makes his heart uneasy. Maybe because the other always has a crazy idea to suggest and to do. Sungjae is a bank of ideas. Well, another metaphor.

      "Here, should I light it up too?" Changsub asks when the firewood he collected has piled up in front of their camping tent.

      "Uh," Sungjae shortly replies, turning his head slightly to check on Changsub's work. He smiles.

      Sungjae had been thinking a lot about this trip for weeks. It was late summer when his car stopped right beside a school bus before the crosswalk. Children screaming their lungs out in a familiar happy trip song was what made him turn his head. Looking at their light brown uniforms and cute berets on their heads, Sungjae suddenly came out with such an idea.

      It is because it has been tiring weeks for both himself and the ‘same-door’ guy. The other gradually losing the smile on his face, Sungjae notices.

      Sungjae doesn't know since when but he believes it has been a long time ago when Changsub knew nowhere but his house and office, constantly forgetting meals and sleep if there were no one reminding, and focusing on that bright square screen and filling up his coffee cup. In addition, it was also when Sungjae only got a 'hmm' instead of 'good morning', and when their weekly date was replaced by an alcohol party by Changsub himself on their shared apartment dining table. Making Sungjae wonders, who is this guy who can only complain all the time when all he does after work is drunk himself alone? Sungjae means, Changsub has him at least as a ‘companion’ for the whole night and to make him smile by the morning. Changsub became a not-funny-anymore kind of person. Or in a simple sentence, Changsub changed.

      “Got any fish attracted to your lures?” Sungjae could hear Changsub’s voice approaching from his side. Turning his head a bit, he finds Changsub tightly wrapped in Sungjae’s white padding and walking like a giant caterpillar in that slightly oversized outerwear. It’s not even that cold, Lee Changsub. Or are you actually trying to be cute?

      “This stream doesn’t look convincing, though.” Changsub continues, positioning himself beside the other.

      “It’s not only about fish and water, Changsub-ah. Fishing is about letting the bait go to gain something you eagerly want in exchange. Even when you gain nothing, then it might be telling you to try again or to move on. Isn’t that how life works?” Sungjae explains. His eyes seem distant to the woods on the other side of the river.

      “Err, but you use lures.”

      Silence.

      “Still. I lost them sometimes.”

      Changsub turns his gaze to nowhere. His face is almost zero expression. There is always a time a day for him to spend just to think about how dumb the other is. No, Sungjae cannot be trying to be funny. It is pure… pure stupidity at least from Changsub viewpoint.

      “Don’t just stand still! I put yours inside that box, prepare it yourself!” Sungjae says, pointing with his jaw a metal box of fishing equipment he brought. Changsub shifts his gaze together with him, only then he hisses at the other once again.

      “At least you have to do it for me since it is you who brings me here.”

      “You won’t stop complaining, I see.”

      “So what?”

      “Then no fish for you to eat,” Sungjae replies, feeling satisfied and proud of himself until he remembers that he brought a box of food inside his car. “And if you think I bring some food, then you are wrong. There is no way a box of cup noodles and sausage would exist here. Oh! And yogurt, too. Do you think I will die for not having a cup a day? Haha, no way!”

      Changsub lets out a shaky sigh and shuts his eyes tightly. He presses his eyebrows with his fingers, while both ends of his lips go upwards.

      “You laugh? You are laughing!” Sungjae shouts, looking amazed. “Wah, the last time I see you laughing was two days ago, you know! Two days ago.”

      “Do I look that depressed to you?”

      “No, you look ugly,” Sungjae says only to receive a kick on his back legs from Changsub.

***

      “I was actually waiting for you to talk about this place.” It is Sungjae who first opens the talk as both are busy munching the grilled fish Sungjae had caught earlier this afternoon.

      “Eh? It’s nice. There are trees, the air is clean, and the river serves us well with this food,” Changsub does not expect that question actually. Even until the day turned dark, he had no time to observe the place to give Sungjae a better answer. He had allocated most of his time to complain and to grumble inside his head at his boyfriend.

      “Seriously. It is that place!” Sungjae says, giving Changsub a stare.

      “What place?” Changsub stares back at him, jumping slightly at the sudden rising tone from the other.

      “Wah, this is unbelievable! I didn’t spend weeks to do my research, plan, and reservation only for a meaningless vacation.”

      “What? Is it that place people have been talking about a lot on the internet?” Changsub says, although not very sure if it is what Sungjae wants to hear.

      Hearing that, Sungjae shakes his head at the other, showing a more this-is-unbelievable face. “We went here together twelve years ago!”

      “Twelve years? How am I supposed to remember that?” Changsub scoffs, thinking how ridiculous the words he just heard.

      Sungjae falls into silence for who-knows he’s thinking about at the moment. Only after 30 seconds or so does he open his mouth again. “That’s right. A tree grows quite fast both in height and diameters. It’s hard to recognize this place only by its scenery after twelve years passed, even for me. There are too many changes here.”

      Now, it’s Changsub who shakes his head at the too out-loud thought of Sungjae.

      “But still, there’s a signboard you can read at the entrance!” He debates once again.

      “Why you sound angry, suddenly?” Changsub is confused for a moment.

      Changsub, who has been through this kind of situation, chooses to stay calm. He has too many unpleasant experiences whenever he tries to make a counter-attack. In addition, he doesn’t want this another bicker to turn into a fight. “Okay, so it is that place. So what are you trying to show me here? You said it can’t be a meaningless vacation, so there might be something you want to show me, right?” He remarks as carefully as possible.

      But it is a mistake to quote in the air at the “meaningless vacation”.

      “Look at how little of sense you have there! Is being here doesn’t give a… Err I don’t know, feeling nostalgic?”

      Changsub should have known that.

      “Changsub-ah. Do you know how long I’ve been enduring this? I don’t know for how many times I did try to ask you and reverted back whenever I saw your depleted self every after-work dinner. What changes you? What changes us to become like this? Ah, you might not notice something changes between us, don’t you?”

      Changsub really does not know that, in fact.

      Someone says that the one who changes might never be aware of how they change and what they turn out to be. And now, he confirms that saying is true. Changsub always focuses on the other –on how Sungjae cannot forget his childhood days and try to live in them even in his twenties. Changsub blames him for being that way and he is really sorry for that.

      But still, Changsub has his own pride. Change is inevitable. One needs to change for whatever reasons that make them; for the need for survival or due to a very small thing like exhaustion.

      “Sungjae-ya, we live in line with time. It sometimes not a good thing to dwell in the past. People can change, just like this place.” Changsub says, just like a mom reassuring her very sensitive little son who bawls his eyes out for new toys.

      “What changes are you talking about right now?”

      Changsub admits that he is scared seeing that sudden cold tone and expression. It might be because he has never seen that face in such a very long time or maybe because of how serious this topic develops.

      “If it is about how I can’t recognize it, even though I know it is that place simply by its name and presence, then…” Sungjae continues only to stop halfway.

       Changsub’s pupils shake at those words. Something he does not want to feel clouding his chest. He can’t help but falls into the realization of what the other trying to convey by bringing him here. And he lowers his gaze at that realization.

      Sungjae is the type of guy who will do a total effort for almost everything. And Changsub cannot imagine how hard Sungjae had tried to make him the Changsub he used to know.

      Tuk!

      It was a small twig they use as a skewer stick for the fish they catch. It is now thrown on the ground. That sound is soon followed by several foot steps and Changsub does not need to raise his head to know who it belongs to and where it heads to. Sungjae is no longer standing in front of him.

***

      Where Sungjae goes is toward the car they parked a little distance from where they build the camp tent. His heavy steps tell him not to leave the other alone there. But Sungjae needs some time alone, Changsub probably needs the same. The digital clock on his car dashboard shows that it is 8 in the evening. Sungjae doesn’t know when will he comes back or… does he need to come back? He thinks it won’t be bad to follow his ego for once. Sungjae, too, is tired.

      Someone might not understand his exhaustion. By the means someone is Changsub. Is being together for a long time contributes to this? They met when they were in primary school. Although they came to different schools during middle school years, they met once again at the same high school. That meeting was repeated every day ever since. They woke up seeing each other’s faces and went to bed greetings each other a good night. Destiny? Changsub probably will laugh at Sungjae for having this kind of thought.

      Sungjae is lost in thought that he does not realize the small drizzles hitting the car window.

      Am I being too sensitive right now? He contemplates. It sounds like a rhetoric question. He does not know the answer. He will refuse the answer if there is any, after all. Despite that, he knows one sure thing. He cannot break up with Changsub. He cannot afford to think about that.

      His head shake finally brings him back to earth and he notices the current situation.

      8:26 PM.  Why Changsub hasn’t come to the car yet? Sungjae immediately jumps out of the car, not caring about the rain.

      Changsub hates getting soaked in the rain. Changsub hates cold too. Sungjae recited that repeatedly inside his head like it is a sacred verse. What if Changsub catches hypothermia? Is he okay? That tent seems to be a no near to perfect shelter to dwell in. Besides, Sungjae cannot trust his ability in pitching a camp tent.

      When he finally reaches the place, he notices the dead bonfire and puddles here and there. There is a single light coming from the yellow tent, projecting an abstract shadow on its damp wall. Changsub might be crouching down inside the white padding he always wears since the afternoon, shivering in cold.

      “Changsub-ah,” Sungjae shouts before opening the tent. There he finds his imagination true. The other does not raise his head despite Sungjae’s voice calling him.

      “Yah! Why do you keep staying here? You stupid, it’s dangerous!” He says raising the other’s head kinda forcefully. Sungjae meets a pair of eyes and feels relief. Every other part of Changsub's body and clothes are dry. Everything but his face. And Sungjae buries it in his arms.

      Changsub always cries in silence. He waits until he is completely alone to release tears. He sets his own standard of showing any sentiment as minimum as he can no matter how hard it is to endure. He never seeks help. More precisely, he doesn’t know-how. He lives his whole life in a stereotype that tears are a sign of weakness, and he is ashamed of being weak in front of others. Crying or showing his weakness requires him to hide.

      But Yook Sungjae always finds him at the very right time and the very exact place like he always knows. Yook Sungjae makes him admit his weakness, stay on the right track, and rise to face a better, happier version of reality. If he can make another metaphor, he would say Sungjae is like a firefly. A firefly who guides him in the dark with its light. A firefly whom he fails to recognize at first, but never once it leaves him alone lost in the darkness.

      “I’m sorry.” That comes out between countless sobs Changsub fails to endure.

      Sungjae only gives him a tighter hug as a response. He really doesn’t know what to reply to that sorry. Maybe he is at fault too for failing to accept Changsub who can’t help but drowning in the exhausting daily life that turns him into a not-funny-anymore kind of person. Sungjae chooses to rebel against that fact instead of embracing him.

      They stay like that until they lose track of time. Changsub’s shaking body is gradually calming down on every single caress Sungjae gives on his head. The rain outside, too, finally shows no presence of continuing. By that time, Sungjae finally breaks the silence.

      “You okay?”

      Changsub nods inside Sungjae’s palms. Those fluffy cheeks find the warmth back thanks to those big hands.

      “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left you here,” Sungjae says once more.

      Changsub rubs his red nose before speaking in a croaked voice, “Are we okay?”

      It’s time for Sungjae to nods. Changsub might have spent time worrying so much about what Sungjae said earlier before the rain. Sungjae smiles, messaging the other that “we are okay, don’t worry.” And with that Changsub pulls the other back into a tight embrace. Both Changsub and Sungjae come to a silent agreement, that they would work hard together not to leave each other and to understand each other better.

Yo he ho! Took me a year to update lol. Been quite overwhelmed by uni life.

And thank you to everyone who has subscribed and voted for this! Hope you guys enjoy the update.