One.

'Unnie, sorry I won't be able to go. I have a last-minute schedule. We have to retake some scenes. Please take care of yourself, okay. I love you.'

Two.

'Sorry, unnie. As much as I want to go, I can't. It's EXIT victory party tonight. Why don't you come over? Madam Go Doo-shim is really fond of you. I bet she'll be happy to meet you!'

Three.

'Can't. My flight's scheduled tomorrow. I'll head there immediately once I arrive. Watch Netflix while waiting for me. Try Money Heist. So freaking good.'

Four.

'You should have come with me here in Thailand, Taeng. I bet you would have enjoyed it here. I'll call you tonight, though. Don't miss me that much. I ordered pizza for you just now, by the way.'

Five.

'Haven't learned to split myself up yet. LOL. Just kidding. DJ schedule. Sorry, unniiieeeee~'

Six.

'I wouldn't be able to make it! Recording stuff. Will take til night. I'm sorry, Tae Tae! I promise I will make it up to you. Let's have a whole day date tomorrow, okay? You are mine tomorrow~ Love you, hubby!~'

Seven.

'Shoot. I forgot. Taeng, I am so sorry. My boyfriend already locked my whole day. I'll call immediately if he agrees we could move our trip tonight. I love you!'

Eight.

 

…

…

…

Right. I miscounted again. There's no eight.

 

I guess it would just be me and Zero then. At least you are here, my Zero.

Today is the day that if I ever have a choice to erase in this world, it would be this day. Yet, today is the day, I want to be with them. My girls. My eig--- seven girls. It never had happened in the past few years, though. Whenever this day comes, no one is available.

I guess I am the only one feeling this way among us ni-- eight. They seemed to have already erased this day in their minds and in their hearts. Me? As much as I want to, I could not. The ing stupidity and regret are killing me so bad.

I failed as a leader. I ing failed to lead my group.

I ing at it. For twelve years, there's not a single thing that I remember I did right for my group. I always rely on my members to firefight several matters which have happened over the years.

We were supposed to be together forever. Despite the distance. Despite we all have parted ways. That was the original plan before we decide to embark on our own career pathways. Unfortunately, everyone snooped their noses in and messed us, though. I failed to control it.

I… I failed to hold my group together.

I was ing mad at myself. I couldn't control it. I hate it when everyone wants to meddle on something they're not even concerned about. I ing hate those condescending and narcissistic people. They got into my head. I got mad. I was enraged. I think everyone was in rage including Her. But, as a leader, I was not able to control it when I am supposed to.

And here we are. Yes. . ing . It has been five years and it is still ing .

Why? Tell me, why me? Why did it have to be me? Because I am the eldest? We're all on the same year, anyway. I am just a month older than Her. The leader is supposed to be the one that could lead. That knows what to do every time.

Tiffany. Sooyoung. Or... Or Her. I don't know. I think they would have been better leaders than me. It really did not make any sense why me.

See? Now, they reap what they sow. They chose me as the leader, they lost buttloads of money because I failed at it. Karma's a ing , I guess?

I ordered online dozens of beer. To kill time, I have tried the series Sooyoung has suggested. The pizza Yuri has ordered arrived on time as well. It is me again. Hello, couch potato Kim Taeyeon. All alone. What's new, anyway?

I sighed as I started to watch. I hate watching with subtitles on. I couldn't make my mind focus on the TV, though. I felt a sudden eagerness.

I pulled out my phone to check out some news. She has released a song again. I am glad she's back in the scene. As usual, she's always good, really good. I've been listening on it on loop for the past few days.

I have one too coming up and so is Tiffany. I am not that ready yet to cross paths with Her in the music scene but still, my heart would want that to happen. I want to see her in person again. Like, wave our hands at each other, at least. Say hi or hello. Have a little chat and ask how are you doing.

Would it even be possible if the bridge was so much burned?

I chuckled bitterly from the thought. There is no more bridge. It has been completely burned, turned to ashes and afterward dissolved in the water. All the possibility left is just looking from far away.

I logged into my anonymous account in my favorite social media app. I browsed her account. She has become so pretty for over the years.

Do you believe in girl crush? What is it? It is what a girl feels on another girl but platonically speaking.

I do have that on her. I have a girl crush on her ever since I met her during training days. For me, she's prettier than Yoona. For me, she's even a better singer than me, in contrast to what they all say. For me, she's the iest in the group. She's too balanced and perfect in everything.

But most of all that has triggered my crush is the fact that she understood me. It's like she knows me completely. She knows how to deal with me. She knows how I feel all the time and knows what to do to cheer me up.

I guess that was have been missing for over the past years.

Tiffany understands me as well. She knows how I feel. But not most of the time. It's always been Je--

Jessica.

I always feel a lump in my throat even with just saying her name.

I continued to swipe down for her recent photos. She looked so happy and fulfilled. I guess it turned out for the better.

Do you…?

Do you feel the same way now?

Do you miss us?

Have we ever crossed your mind?

A tear fell from my left eye. I quickly wiped it away. It didn't help, though. I burst in tears. I sobbed so hard like a little kid. The feeling of loneliness has overwhelmed me again.

I began to drink. I wanted to drown myself with liquor. Still, I am feeling sober. It's like I could really never escape this day.

I looked into the contact list of my phone and swiped as I arrived at her name.

Sooyeon Jung.

Is she still using the same phone number?

I never tried calling her for the past five years.

Well… there's no harm to try now. I bet she has changed it, anyway. Or she could have deleted my number. At least, she won't get to know it's me if ever.

A ring.

Then, another ring.

The third ring stopped halfway. My call was answered.

"Hello?" she said. It was her voice. I could never forget her distinctive voice.

I felt my heart skipped. Then, the beating raced and became louder. I couldn't respond right away.

"Taeyeon?" she called.

Tears have accumulated in my eyes. I tried my hardest to calm myself down. I took a deep breath then responded, "Hello."

"Hey."

"Hey."

It was another silence. I… I didn't know what to say. I am still caught off guard.

"W-why did y-you call?" she asked in a stutter.

"I… I uhhmmm… nothing. I… I just…" Why did I call?

"Do you need anything?"

"Y-yeah. Uhhmm… Remember you created my account in Weibo, right? Do you still remember my password?" I lied.

"Oh. S-sorry. I already forgot about it. It has been…" she paused. "It has been years."

I faked a chuckle, "Right. You're right. Silly me."

"Why uhmm-- why thought of getting into Weibo again?"

"N-nothing. I just felt Instagram has been so crowded, I guess."

"I see…"

"I uhmm… I heard your latest song, by the way. Great job."

"Thanks. I uhmm… I saw some of your clips in Begin Again. You did a great job too."

That had me smiled, "Thanks."

"And your magazine shots."

"Are you stalking me?"

She laughed loudly, "No. Fans keep on tagging your photos to my account. Couldn't help but see."

"I see… I saw yours too. You copied my tattoo."

"I did not." She chuckled again. She then asked back, "Are you stalking me?"

"Just a few minutes ago?"

She laughed again, "Silly."

It feels so good to hear her laugh again. I couldn't help but shed a tear from it too. I breathed deeply again before I asked, "How are you?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm good too." Better now.

"How are the kids?"

I laughed. It has always been our internal joke for the two of us. I am the father and she's the mother of seven silly girls. "They're doing okay."

"Have you been looking after them well?"

"Of course. I've always been a good father to them." I answered proudly. "See how I trained our Yoona in acting? I'm a good mentor, right?"

She laughed, "So, it's all thanks to you that our baby Yoona did great?"

"Who else?"

"Could be me, you know. She missed me a lot. She did her best."

I faked a sigh, "Fine. It's you, then."

"Yup. And our Joohyun dear?"

"Doing fine. She stopped entertaining guys now. She's focused on her acting career."

"That's great. And the other girls?"

"Well, do we really think about the older ones?"

"Nope. They're on their own." she said. We both shared a laugh.

It was another silence. For me, I cherished the moment. Just knowing she's on the other line. Having a light conversation like this with her again. It felt so warm. It felt so nice.

"Taeyeon," she said and I heard a little sob.

"Yes?"

"Are you taking care of yourself?" 

"I think so..." I sobbed lightly. "You? Are you taking care of yourself too?"

"Yes."

"Great. That's great."

"Eat more healthy food, okay?"

"You too."

"Are you still having headaches?"

"Not lately. My head's good now. Don't worry much about it."

"Good. Don't…"

"…"

"Don't be sad that much, alright?"

Tears have dripped down to my cheeks. I covered my mouth with my hand to stop myself from letting out a sob.

"I always see you sad… Don't be hard on yourself."

"…"

"I…"

"I miss you." I finally said. I broke down in tears.

"I know," she said with her voice cracking up. "I miss you much more."

"Will there be a chance…? Someday…?"

"I hope too…"

"Stay safe."

"Stay safe too."

"Bye, Jessica."

"Bye..."

I love you. Don't ever forget that. That won't ever change.

 

 

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