I watched as she maneuvered her bike to the school parking lot.
I love seeing her bright smile as she rode on with the wind, her hair flying behind her.
I watched on as she carried her bag and locked her bike.

Clenching and unclenching my fists nervously, I would have wanted to approach her, ask her if she needs help with those books.

If she could help me stop myself from falling further...

But once again, I stayed on my usual spot.
Just watching. All my fantasies, my daydreams, they would have to stay into oblivion for another day.

Today is exactly the sixth month since I first spotted her.
Waiting...just waiting...

Hoping for a chance I can't seem to grab.
But then, I'll get the courage soon.

I will, I promise.

--

I had only one class with her.
Just one. Our elective class.

It turns out, we were both into photography.

She wasn't with her friends in this one and I wasn't with mine.
It would've been my ticket to knowing her.
Like a coward though, like a fool even, I never got the courage to approach her.

"Okay, class. Today, we'll work in partners. To keep it neat and fast, I've partnered you by surname."
My heart beat fast.
My last name is Shin.
Hers is Shim.

Could fate be working its way into my--our supposedly--destiny now?

I waited, almost breathless, as the professor read off the names, the first two automatically pairing up, then the next two, then the next...
"Shim, Kara." I smiled nervously waiting for my name next.

"Shin..." I half stood up, almost bravely meeting her eyes.

"Dong Ho."

I felt my heart dropped.

Shin, Dong Ho? I forgot about him!
It totally slipped my mind that we shared the same last name!

I saw her eyes lit up as she smiled.
I felt like dying again.
Is she actually smiling at me?

I saw her waving enthusiastically and I hesitated, is she really, truly waving at me?

Am I that lucky?

As I was going to lift my own arm to wave back, I saw Dong Ho standing up to make his way towards her.
I felt my arm drop with my heart.

Of course it wasn't me she was smiling and waving at.
Of course...

The stars haven't showered me with enough dust yet.

I looked at them.
Saw the way she laughed with whatever Dong Ho said.
Saw the way her eyes sparkled.
Or the way she tucked her long hair behind one ear.

How I long to be just so close to her, to make her smile like that, to get to touch her beautiful hair.

A guy can dream, right?

--

I felt the rest of the school year whizzing by.
Like someone who had no control over anything anymore, I watched myself almost in fast forward motions...

waiting for her to go out of her house on her way to school then following after her.
We were neighbors, but I never got the nerve to ring their bell ever since they first moved in to ask her mom :

do you happen to have a perfectly beautiful teenage daughter I could fall inlove with?

After which, I would wait in my spot, arguing with myself again and again to go on and approach her, to ask to carry her books, to open up any conversation at all.
She was a very nice girl, I was a hundred and one percent certain that she wouldn't be rude and not talk to me back.

So why couldn't I get the courage to even smile?

I would wait for my elective class, always looking forward to Wednesday because that's the only time I'm in the same room with her.
When the professor would ask us to just go ahead and photograph what we think is the most magical, the most breathtaking, the most dazzling of all, it would take all my willpower not to snap shots of her continuously, to use up all my films on her knowing it would be worth it.
The only thing stopping me was that we were supposed to present to everyone in class our work.

How would I explain to them--to her--why she's the subject of my photographs?

It was something so unexplainable, something that would have made me shrink back in fear whenever it comes to things concerning her.

I had to content myself into photographing other things, things that I think represented her but not much likely because she's incomparable.

They didn't know how bittersweet it was all for me.

How I felt when I saw that star, how I didn't wish anymore as would have been the normal doing of someone who saw such beauty.
How could I wish?

  
Don't they know that stars fall because technically, they're dead already?

That the gas they were holding which marks their temperature, their color, it had all run out leaving them to fall here amongst us.  

With that hopelessness inside of you, knowing that nothing will keep you afloat anymore, that there will be nothing to catch you beneath everything,

Would you still burden it with a wish?

In a way, I felt like that star, continuously falling after losing what was supposed to keep me afloat to her, hoping that something...someone will catch me underneath it all.

Too bad, the fall isn't over yet.

--

I watched hopeless, as she said yes to someone else for prom night.
I silently discard the flowers and the two page letter I spent a week writing.

They have no use to me now.

--

I ended up coming to the prom, alone.

Well, not really alone.

My dongsaeng, Chan, had pleaded and begged for me to go, that he needed me nearby because this was the night he was going to confess to that girl he had liked for a long time and he needed emotional support.

I couldn't say no, I was much too struck by the fact that this younger boy is much more of a man than me to be able to gather enough courage to talk to the girl who owns his heart and had even managed to invite the same girl to the prom.

Why couldn't I have at least a quarter of my brother's courage? It would probably do me the world of good.

I was having a pretty nice time with my friends who have all promised me that they'd let me dance with their dates tonight even though I didn't ask.
Chan was the only one who didn't want to share, but that was fine with me too as I had just laughed their offers off.

Until she arrived, that was the time I didn't get the strength to smile anymore or to do anything at all.
The way she looked so perfect, so beautiful that it ached seeing her like that.
The way she seemed to defy the realms of all possibilities with the way she looked tonight.

Once again, I felt like that falling star, dropping into the second phase of nothingness as I saw her beautiful hands I long to hold ever since I laid my eyes on her, holding on to someone else.
That was also the moment everyone started to pair off, dancing to soft ballads, holding their partners close, whispering sweet nothings and promises to each other's ear. I have wished for so long I could do all those things at once with her.

Instead though, I had to watch someone else do it all for me.

I walked off to take more punch, maybe just drinking juice and eating these little pastries will help not letting my mood go down so much.
Maybe it will help me float up again.

Absently, someone bumped into me, making some of my punch land on my tux.
"Sorry, bro!" He called out as he whizzed by.

"It's fine." I mumbled even though he can't hear me anymore.
I blindly fumbled for a handkerchief in my pockets.

"Here." Someone said and I froze, almost not believing that such a melodious voice I've only been dreaming to hear was so close to me now.
I looked up.
Make no mistake, it's her.

Her.

"U-uhm...thank you." I answered after a while and took her handkerchief.
I didn't want to dab it into my dirty tux though.

"Go ahead. It's fine." She said, after she noticed my hesitation and gave me a reassuring smile.
I was certain I'm now falling into another level of my oblivion phase.
But one that was now filled with a little of light, a little bit of hope.

I finished dabbing immediately, almost regretting that our first conversation would be like this when I had a variety of other possibilities in my mind.
"Thank--"

"Keep it!" She said hurriedly, smiling at me, as I watched her being led away by her friends to dance to a fast song.

"Keep it?" I murmured, staring at the little treasure in my hands.

Can't it be you that I'll be allowed to keep instead?

I saw Chan smiling widely as he and his, I'm guessing, now official girlfriend, continued to dance cheesily slow to the fast song.

Chan got his girl.
I got to have my first exchange of words with her.

Maybe, things are finally looking up.

--

Or are they?
All throughout the school year, I have waited to give it back to her, almost half rejoicing and half sad whenever I failed to do so.
Sad because I didn't get to have a follow up to our first conversation.
Happy because I get to keep the handkerchief for another day.

Come to think of it, this will probably be the only thing I can hold on to when it comesto her.
A small part of the hope that I pray will catch me at the end of my fall.

Maybe, I thought as I clutched the handkerchief firmer, I should hold on to it a little more longer.

--

The handkerchief stayed with me for a little while.
A little while which turned to graduation.

Yes, it was graduation already.

And I've never even talked to her, never even got to ring her doorbell, never even found out if she even knew I exist, never even got to ask if she needed help carrying her books, never let her be the subject of my photographs, never got to hold her hand or see her smile at me again.

I never even got to tell her I love her.

--

The next few months were silent, my feelings never changed even though my attention was focused on my upcoming going away to the university.

My friends distracted me enough with all the gatherings, the parties, the boys night out to make up for me and Jinyoung going away for awhile.
But they don't know that every smile and laugh I let loose in my lips, there laid more sadness.

Sadness that I was forever hopeless. Forever mum to my feelings for her.
Forever a coward that I couldn't even greet her.

It felt so much like a curse, this personality of mine, that I just let things happen, not fighting for what I want, not being a man enough.

I have watched as she got locked in a relationship in our freshman year, that apparently I wasn't the only one she caught with her bright smiles.
I watched as the guy went off to migrate to another country, and how I let that chance slipped by because another guy was more brave.

I didn't forgive myself every night.

Even until she became single again, I have never made a move.
Maybe I was meant to love her from afar.
Or maybe...I just didn't know how to yell stop as everything progressed, to how I was given many chances but I failed to even grab one.

Is there any cure for this?

--

I went on to study at the university.

I didn't have any news about her so much, but maybe that was better.
It keeps me from being distracted from my feelings, my love for her, it kept me focused on my studies making me excel and for the first time, I looked forward to school because I wanted to learn and not because I'd see her park her bike.

Gongchan wrote to me a few times, updating me with what's happening with the school, the neighborhood, his life.
How the school installed a new cafeteria, that our principal and his secretary ended up together, that Chan and his girl were still together and staying strong, I felt in his letter his passionate love for her, it was beautiful in a way, that through these letters, it was like seeing him grow up, our lovely maknae, who was once our baby.

He mentioned that people moved in and out of the neighborhood,

that we now had a different neighbor...

Her family moved out, apparently, Chan didn't know where.
If he had known that I loved our nextdoor neighbor, I'm sure Chan would have asked for their new address for my sake but then...he didn't know.

No one knew.

I had accepted the fact that any possible communication we could have had, or any connection at all which was as thin as a thread, is now long gone.

I laid awake most nights, wondering how she is.
Where was she studying now?
Is she with someone else again?
Did she remember sometimes about the guy she lent her handkerchief to?

Somehow, I regret the fact that I didn't leave her with anything that could be my representation, that even if she didn't know me well, I could have even a little guarantee that I was going to cross her mind.

I would often succumb to the temptation to search for her online, that she could be in any social networking site, but she wasn't unfortunately.

I would stare at her only picture that I had secretly shot, it was my favorite picture of all my creations yet, not because it was her but because I captured her in the moment she was herself.

Her smile, her bright, sparkling eyes, her hair flying with the wind...

If my professor saw this, it would have made the hall of fame, it would have put to shame every other photograph displayed.
Every night, I would talk to the picture as if it was her, as if she could actually hear every word I'm saying, I didn't mind if I seemed crazy...
It's just that this would be the only time that I would have her attention...

that she would finally hear me.

--

After graduating, I slowly tried to let her go, I landed a high profile job thanks to me graduating with honors, I provided my family with a better home, better things, everything.

I stayed friends with Jinyoung and the others, we would see each other occasionally.

I saw Jinyoung got married early because he and his girlfriend really was very much inlove.
Sandeul and Baro got engaged with their respective girlfriends, Chan was just getting there.

And me?
I finally gave love a chance.

I tried to make things work out with this friend of mine from college whose personality somehow jived with mine.
I loved her, I honestly did.

But in the back of my mind, it would always be that girl.
It would always be her.

That I couldn't bring myself to lie, to force myself, and most of all, I couldn't bring myself to lead her on, when I so clearly cannot give her the love she truly deserves.

So I had to let her go.

My friends called me stupid, my parents were confused.
But how do I explain it? How would I even tell them?
How would they even understand?

That I'm still that star...

That after eight years, I'm still falling.

--

I walked to the park, observing everything, holding my niece's small hand against my own, I finally felt relaxed after a whole day of playing with her, in the swings, in the seesaw, playing tag, and just running around.
Which was quite hard for me, I now get tired easily.

"Ahjussi..." She panted and I laughed, carrying her in my lap.

"What is it?"

"What time is appa going back to pick me up?"

"Hmm..." I pretended to look at my watch in my left wrist.
"Chan Appa said he'll be back after I treat you to...ice cream!" I said happily while tickling her.

She giggled loudly and jumped around.
"YAY!!! ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!!" She smacked my cheek and I laughed at how cute Chan's seven year old princess is.
Only Chan can have such pretty daughters, I thought as I tickled her again.

"You're my favorite, CNU ahjussi! Baro ahjussi only gives me keychains." She made a face.

I laughed again."He never knew you're the ice cream princess, huh?"

She shook her head and pouted. "No."

"Don't worry. That's why CNU Ahjussi is here. I'll be your ice cream provider."

She giggled again. "Yaaayyy!"

After playing and teasing around again and her running around once more to play with other kids, she went back to my side again.
"CNU ahjussi..." She said as she tilted her head and ran her small, light hand across my face.

"Hmmm?"

"What are these lines across your face?" She asked innocently.

I smiled. "They're called wrinkles. They come with age...and wisdom."

"Do...seven year old girls get them too?"

"No. Not yet. Once you turn eight, probably." I kidded.

Her eyes grew wide.
"and...and...those white hairs? I'll get them when I'm eight too?" She panicked.

"Maybe when you're nine." I said seriously.
She looked bothered and I laughed at her, how adorable.
"I'm just kidding, princess. You'll get them once you're as old as me."

She looked relieved. "Oh. Good. Appa said you're a hundred years old! It will take me..." She counted off her fingers.
"12...13..." She bit her lip.
"Uhm...It'll take me probably a thousand years!" She declared.

"Sure." I agreed.

"Hey ahjussi," She asked again as she leaned against me.

"What? You want your ice cream now?"

She shook her head.
"This boy...I don't know his name. But he said he loves me."

I furrowed my brows. "So quickly? Do you guys know each other?"

She shook her head."Only today. When I gave him my handkerchief to cover up the wound in his knee! He tripped and injured himself."

I blinked. "Your hanky, huh?"

"Yes. Is that why he loves me?"

I didn't answer for awhile.
"Maybe..." I answered softly.
"Hankies are powerful, you know." I smiled a little wistfully but meaning every word.

She looked surprised.
"Really??"

I smiled. "Yeah. When...you gave it to the right guy."

"Oh. So...he's the right guy?"

"Don't think about such things yet. You're much too young." I smiled gently.

She smiled sheepishly.
"And...you, ahjussi? Have you ever been in love?"

I looked away and took a deep breath.
That one simple question brought everything back.
"I..." I closed my eyes.
"I've been in love. Yes, very much inlove." I said softly, almost in a whisper.

"Really?" My niece looked surprised.
Yes. So inlove...The kind of love that not even any of my friends have experienced.

"I've..." I felt all the emotions coming back.
"I've been inlove with the same girl..."

I held my niece's hand and looked up at the skies.
"for 42 years."

"Wow!" She looked amazed.
"That's even longer than umma and appa!"

I looked away. That was the thing. It is a long time.

"I think it's beautiful, ahjussi."
She touched my cheek and I smiled without humor, my heart breaking as I watched her go off and run around to play again with her friends.

"It would have been beautiful..." I whispered to the wind, hoping it will carry the message I've been holding in my heart for so long, feeling sad at the same time.

"If she actually knew about it."

Hello guys! ;) I hope you enjoyed this oneshot~ I worked on this for two hours at least. Keke :)

It goes against valentines, I know. It's just that I decided to do something different.
It is still about love...a different kind that is.

Not everyone is happy during valentine's, right? :/

Anyway~ this shot was inspired by Christina Perri's A Thousand Years so I recommend listening to it while reading. Lol.

This would have been an Onew shot, but I decided I've already done enough Onew Sad Shots and I've always been promising to my sister (who's a huge bana) that I'd create a B1A4 shot/story, sooo...this is it, I guess.

Thank you so much for reading!

Happy Valentines!<33