Dear Diary: 30th December

I never knew falling in love could be this hard… If I knew, I swore that I don’t want to be human.

I know him since the first day in college.  Along many boys registered that day, I don’t know why my eyes caught the glance of him. His smile is the perfect smile I ever see. It makes me want to know more about him. Luck was on my side when he is taking the same major with me. I knew I will meet him for our first class. That is when I started to become his stalker (but in a good way).

I like his name… Lee JinKi.. I think his personality suit his name. How did I know him name? We (I mean me) actually have this awkward situation. Our professor making the ‘breaking the ice’ for his class in unique way. He asked us to introduce friend that sit right behind us.  It was awkward, when I remembered it. I slightly turn myself and surprised to see that boy I just saw that day. The boy with the perfect smile. I was startled and could not talk.

“Hi, what is your name,” he asked.

“My name is JangMi,” I tried to calm down.

“JangMi? Your mother must be like roses so much,” he tried to make a conversation.

“Yeah, I like roses too,” I smiled.

We both silent and after that I asked him what is his name and he answered it.

“Lee JinKi? You got a unique name,” I said.

“Really? Thanks,”

And, that is how we become friends… Okay, I lied. We did not. But still, he knows my name and I know his name, right?

Days by days…  I grew a feeling for him. It was unexpected because I already swore to myself that I will not fall in love until I got my degree. But I guess I can’t lie to my own feeling. Today, it’s been 3 years and 6 months since I fell for him.

My roommate says that I’m pathetic. I don’t blame her. Who will stalk someone for 3 years and never said anything to him. My roommate, Yoo Rin always encourages me to confess to JinKi. I tried! I really did! I even practice it but of course it failed. I don’t have confidence that high. It’s easy for Yoo Rin to say. She is pretty and everyone loves her. Me, right here looks like a monster just got up from long hibernation.  Looking ugly and very fat.

I rarely look into the mirror. I hate seeing my own reflection. I feel so pathetic when I saw myself. My inner mind also laughs at me. It’s often mocking me by saying with face like me, I don’t deserve to love him.  It was sad right when even your inner mind mocking you.

The major that I’m taking is not helping me boost my confidence too. I think I made a mistake enrolled in Art College. Most of the students are so pretty, handsome, petite and lovable. I wish I listened to my mother and registered to that nursing school. But, other than my low self esteem, I do enjoy being here. It’s my passion. I like to act, sing and write. Well, dancing is part of it but I badly. But still, I had fun.

There this one time we were rehearsing a play written by me. It’s about a boy who regrets he did not show his love to his mother and then his mother died. Everyone compliment me about that play and the most exciting part is JinKi is playing a role in that play. Well, he is not the main character but still, he acted in my play.  I love seeing him practicing with his buddies. Minho was the main character and JinKi was his brother in that play. They both have a good potential to become a good actor. Ah… Did I say that JinKi also has a really nice soothing voice? No wonder he is friend with Jonghyun. And what surprised me is that he can dance too. I sometimes saw him dancing with Kibum and Jinki’s younger brother, Taemin. Even his younger brother is cute.

Okay.. Okay.. I know I sound biased but it’s my diary right. Who would read this? The only person who read this is me so I better be pouring my heart into my diary. Actually, the reason I writing this diary today (after a long time neglected it) because I want… to confess to him. So, I feel like I should write this historic event of my life.

How am I going to confess? Tomorrow we will celebrating New Year’s Eve and I was invited to go out with JinKi’s friend , thanks to Yoo Rin. She is dating Minho and she said she will bring a friend and that friend is me. I really glad that I have friend like Yoo Rin. Though she is pretty but she is very humble and down to earth.

Oh my, it’s getting late! I have to sleep early because I have classes. I can’t wait for tomorrow’s night to come. I will finally confessed to him after 3 years, 6 months, 18 days, and 2 hours. I hope everything going to be alright.

 

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JangMi and Yoo Rin waiting inside of a café. It’s snowing out there. There is many couple are inside the café. The café looks plain but yet it has many customers. ‘Just Café’ is popular among the student of the Art College. They said this café will make you found your true love. ‘Strangers in the night’ is playing over the radio.

Strangers in the night exchanging glances

Wondering in the night

What were the chances we'd be sharing love

Before the night was through

Then,  the bell above the main door dings. JinKi, Minho, and Taemin are enteringthe cafe and walk toward JangMi’s and Yoo Rin’s table. Yoo Rin smiles when she sees Minho and they both kissing on the cheeks with each other.  JinKi and Taemin sit across JangMi.

“Well, I think everyone is here. Wait.. where is Jonghyun and Kibum?” Yoo Rin asked.

“They said they will wait us at the resort,” Minho replied.

“Oh, you guys know JangMi right?” Yoo Rin pats JangMi’s shoulder.

“Er.. Hi,” JangMi’s finally mutters a word.

“Of course we do, Yoo Rin. We are in the same class,”

JangMi tries to smile and she accidentally sees a glance of Jinki. He was smiling at her and it’s making her blushes madly.

“So, should we go now?” Minho asked.

Everyone get up and Yoo Rin quickly grabs Minho’s arm and walk with him. JangMi walks alone right behind them.

“Do you feel excited about this trip?” JinKi suddenly asked JangMi.

“Er… Yeah-Yes,” she tries to answer though she stutters.

JinKi smiles again. They all walk and reach their cars.

“So, who wanna ride with me?” Minho opened his car’s door.

Yoo Rin is already sitting inside the car. JangMi was left alone again.

“It’s okay, JangMi will ride my car. We will give extra times for you guys to be alone,” JinKi winked at Minho.

JinKi opens the car’s door for JangMi. She looks at JinKi’s face whether to see he was joking but he looks serious. JangMi do not have other choice than to be seated next to him.  Few minutes later, they all start to go to their destination.

“Are you okay? You don’t talk much,” JinKi finally broke the silent.

“Huh? Me? I’m good…” JangMi awkwardly replied back.

That were the only thing they spoke along the journey. Taemin is busy listening music with his iPod.  JinKi sometimes humming the songs from the radio and JangMi sits in the car just like a statue.

Few hours later, they arrive at the resort. Jonghyun and Kibum are waiting for them. They pick up their luggage and put it in the room.

“So, anyone want go skiing?” Jonghyun asked his friends.

“Of course! What the point coming here if not for the ski?” Minho said.

JangMi looks reluctant and looks at Yoo Rin. JangMi does not know how to ski and she does not want to embarrass herself in front of JinKi.

“Er, I think I could not join.. I have a cold. You guys have fun okay,” JangMi suddenly speaks.

“You sure, Noona?” Taemin asked.

“Yeah, it’s okay,” JangMi tried to avoid further question.

“Well, if that’s the case, we will going now. Call us if you need anything, okay?” Yoo Rin said to JangMi. JangMi nods.

“Wait, I think I will stay here with JangMi,” JangMi is so surprised when she heard JinKi said it.

“No, you don’t have too, JinKi. I’m okay,”

“No, It’s fine. I just don’t feel like to ski today,” JinKi smiled.

JangMi and JinKi watch five of them walking to the ski park. They both stay silent and for JangMi, it was the longest 30 seconds ever in her life.

“Would like for a walk to the near café?” JinKi asked JangMi.

“Yeah-Yes.. sure..sure,”

They both start walking and JangMi’s mind racing to think of an appropriate thing to talk about. She already planned this day on her mind but somehow she just so nervous, she forgot it all.

“You like animals?” JangMi finally said something and regret it right after.

JinKi chuckles. That is the most soothing melody JangMi ever heard in her life. Of course she being exaggerates but who does not when they are in love?

“Hurm.. Well, I like penguins,” Jinki said.

“Penguins?”

“Yeah, aren’t they cute?” He smiles.

JangMi once again startled by his smile. That smile that change her world. JangMi knows this is the perfect time for her to confess her feelings. She will never get a better chance than right now. Besides, JinKi must be sort of comfortable with her because he decided to stay with JangMi. JangMi looks at JinKi’s face and she grips her hand tight.

“JinKi…”

“Yes?”

“I… think.. I like you,” the ‘you’ part was almost mute.

“What?I could not hear you clearly?” JinKi stopped walking.

“I…. I like you, JinKi… but I think ‘like’ is not the best word. I.. LOVE YOU, JinKi” JangMi could not bear to look at his face.

“Wow, really? I never knew it….” JinKi was almost speechless too.

“Did you hate me? For confessing? Are we going to be strangers?” JangMi somehow regretting confessing her feeling. She does not want end up become a stranger to JinKi. Though he does not accept her love, she still wants to be friends with him.

“Hurm…. It’s quite hard if we be strangers… because I like you too,”

“I know… I was hoping we just can be frie-.. WHAT?”

JinKi chuckles again. He leans toward JangMi making her heartbeat racing fast.

“I like you, Shin JangMi…” JinKi slowly leans toward JangMi’s face and their lips meet each other.

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5 of them already back from skiing. JangMi stays in her room waiting for Yoo Rin. She was to dumbfounded of what just happen an hour ago. She finally confessed to the person she loves and fthank God, he loves her back. JangMi’s never imagine this day could happen. She never pray that JinKi will likes her because she knows she been asking for too much. The smile never fades away from JangMi’s face when she remembered the kiss. His soft lips touch her lips. His breath is like a drug for and his touches like a warm blanket that she needs every night. JangMi can’t wait to tell Yoo Rin about this good news. She looks at the clock. Yoo Rin is late. She was supposed to be back right now and they all will be prepare to go out. JangMi starts to worry and decide to find Yoo Rin herself.

JangMi goes to the ski park but she does not found them. Then, she tries to find them at the resort lobby but still, they are not there. JangMi walks to the café and she heard Yoo Rin’s voice.

“You really say that, JinKi?” Yoo Rin asked.

“Yeah, like we bet….” JinKi answered back. His voice sound casual.

“No! That’s mean we have to buy you dinner!” Minho smacks his forehead.

“Darn it! I should bet he will say it,” JangMi heard Kibum’s voice.

“Wow…. I never think you will really said it, hyung. What if she really takes it seriously?” Taemin asked his brother.

“Of course she will take it seriously! She’s been in love with Jinki since 3 years, 6 months, 19 days,” Yoo Rin looks at her wristwatch “…and 6 hours ago! There, even I remembered it! Ughhh… Please let me out from sharing a room with her. I’m tired. I have to pretend to care and acting like I listen to all her problems. Please.. I’m human! I have my limit too!

“I never like her. When I auditioning for that play, she insisted that JinKi suit for that role! So biased!” Jonghyun smacks his hand on the table.

“I don’t need her for that role, Jonghyun. I know I’m better than you,” JinKi still with his casual voice.  He does not sound mad or happy.

“Tch, whatever dude.” Jonghyun smirks.

“So, what did you do actually?” Minho curious.

“Just like we bet that day, I tell her that I love her and I… kissed her,”

“You kissed her? That must be awful!” The boys grunting and some of them make a puke sound.

JangMi still leans on the wall outside the cafe. Tears running down on her cheeks. She could not believe what she heard just now. She understands if the boys hate her but Yoo Rin? JangMi thought Yoo Rin is her best friend. JangMi could not let herself being make fun by them. She walks in the café.

“Is it so amusing? Making fun of me?” JangMi tries to calm her voice while her tears streaming down fast.

They are shock when they see JangMi is beside them. Yoo Rin could not speak anything. She could not meet JangMi’s eyes.

“Yoo Rin, why? I thought… we are friend?!”

“…. I’m tired JangMi. I’m tired. I don’t want to hear you talking nonsense anymore. Could you see that JinKi is not interested in you? You should look yourself on the mirror!”

“Yeah, look at yourself before you even interested in anyone,” Minho smirks.

JangMi could not say anything back. She is so hurt, especially from Yoo Rin and JinKi.

“So, what you say to me is all lies? All lies, JinKi??!” JangMi yelling at JinKi. JinKi still not looking at her.

“Yeah, it’s all lies. I make a bet with them. They forced me to say that I love you and they will buy me dinner,”

“Buy you dinner? That’s all? That is how much my dignity cost? That is how much your dignity cost too?? That’s all?”

JinKi does not say anything. Jonghyun stands up from his seat, looking annoyed.

“Just go, Ugly Fatty! You are making a scene here. Get out!” Jonghyun points at the outside.

“Thanks… Thanks for giving me this unforgettable memory,” JangMi walks out from the café and never turn back.

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Dear Diary: 1^st January

Happy New Year… Happy New Year… The fireworks are beautifully exploded outside my window but I don’t a feeling to watch it…. Diary, finally… I confessed today. I confessed to JinKi. It was… sweet. He said he loves me too and kissed me. He kissed me. But… he lied! HE LIED!!! IT WAS A BET! AND GUESS WITH WHO HE WAS BETTING? WITH YOO RIN! WHY? WHY??? WHY DID SHE DO THAT? WHY DID I DO WRONG? She said she was tired with me… but why she never really talks about it? Am I really bad? AM I REALLY A BAD FRIEND?

Oh no! I heard the voices again!! NO! I DON’T WANT TO TAKE THOSE PILLS! IT MAKES ME DROWSY AND I HAVE A LOT TO TELL!

YOU ARE UGLY!

SHUT UP!

YOU ARE UGLY FAT AND HE HATES YOU!

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE NOT REAL! YOU JUST THE INNER VOICE IN MY HEAD! YOU ARE NOT REAL!!

YES, I’M YOUR INNER VOICE IN YOUR HEAD. I AM YOU…. AND YOU ARE ME…

I AM YOU…. AND YOU ARE ME?

YES…. NOW LISTEN TO ME….

NO!!!!!!

JINKI HATES YOU, YOO RIN HATES YOU TOO. SO, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE YOU LIVING? EVERYONE HATES YOU JANGMI. EVERYONE HATES YOU. YOU THINK FINALLY SOMEONE WILL LOVE YOU? YOU ARE UGLY. NOBODY LIKES YOU. NOW, DO AS I SAY. END THIS. END ALL THIS HUMILIATION YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALL YOUR LIFE. YOU HAVE BEEN MOCKED, BULLIED, TORTURED SINCE YOU WERE BORN. THIS IS THE RIGHT TIME TO END THIS. EITHER YOU END THEIRS OR YOURS. LISTEN TO ME JANGMI… END THIS AND YOU WILL BE FREE…. YOU WILL BE FREE

I WILL BE FREE?

YES… FREE. IS THAT WHAT YOU ALWAYS WANT? FREE FROM THOSE PEOPLE?

YES..

THEN, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? DO IT. NOW.

BUT… I’M SCARED.

DON’T WORRY. I WILL BE WITH YOU…

PROMISE?

PROMISE…

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A loud screams wake all the students in the dormitory. Mrs. Park, the warden climbs the stairs quickly and finds where the scream comes. On the second floor, she saw a girl screaming and pointing inside a room. Mrs. Park quickly runs to that girl.

“What happen? Why are you screaming?” Mrs.Park tries to help that girl standing up.

“Blood! Blood!”

Mrs. Park quickly goes inside the room. She hears the water tap running from the bathroom. She walks slowly until she saw bloody water flooding the bathroom.  There is a girl lying inside the bathtub, pale and lifeless. Mrs. Park sees both of the girl’s wrists were cut badly.

“JANGMI!” she screams.

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JinKi, Minho, Jonghyun, Kibum, Taemin and Yoo Rin are just coming back from clubbing. JinKi is driving his car. Taemin sits beside him and Jonghyun and Kibum are at the back. Minho is driving his car with Yoo Rin behind them. They are all wasted and intoxicated. Drinking too much. They are all laughing happily, feeling that they succeed on their mission.

“I should record what happen at the café! I wanna see her face again! Haha” Jonghyun drinks beer.

JinKi smirks. His vision is blurry but he still continues driving. Until, JinKi saw a girl waving at them from far. JinKi speeds and sees the girl is JangMi. JangMi wears white dress but the white dress soaked with blood. JinKi see JangMi’s hand and bloods still flowing. JangMi looks straight at JinKi’s eyes. JinKi was shocked and pulls am emergency brake. Unfortunately, his car was going too fast, it could not stop and it flips. Minho, who busy kissing with Yoo Rin, shrieks when he saw JinKi’s car flips and Minho tries to avoid it. He pulls his steering to the left and hit a tree.

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It was almost a year since the bad accident and JangMi’s death. The Art College was closed down for a week for investigation and also signs of mourning. Students put white roses on the JangMi’s picture along with Yoo Rin’s, Minho’s and Jonghyun’s.

 

Yoo Rin and Minho died on the accident place right away while Jonghyun died when he was on his way to the hospital for losing too much blood. Taemin, Kibum and Jinki are badly injured. Especially Jinki because several pieces of glass hit his eyeballs.  He could go blind but he is lucky because there was a donor to replace his eyeballs.

JinKi is in the hospital since the day he accident. He already healed physically but not mentally. Every night, he will get nightmares. He does not even finish his college. He could not go back there and saw all those images. He keeps seeing JangMi everywhere. He saw JangMi, Minho, JongHyun and Yoo Rin. There was countless night he was crying to sleep. His tears contain his regret and stupidity. JinKi really feel sorry of what he did to JangMi. He could not believe JangMi took her life away and unknowingly took his friend’s life as well. JinKi tries to visit JangMi’s house but they were already moved.

A letter come today. Jinki carefully opens the big envelope. There is a book and a handwritten letter. JinKi reads the letter first.

 

Dear Lee JinKi,

I am Mrs. Shin, JangMi’s mother. The reason I write to you is to give you JangMi’s diary. I could not keep it because I keep crying when I saw it. I think JangMi would be please if you keep it. That way, you will know how she feels about you. Of course when I already read it, I know what you did. That you and her bestfriend broke her poor heart. But, I could not blame you for her death. It was me and her father to blame to. We thought she was fine. She said she was taking the pills and we really thought she was happy there in her college. JangMi is really a nice girl but she had been going through a really hard childhood. She was bullied by her school friends and we do not even know about that. She is really good hiding her emotions and feelings until one day we received a call from the school. JangMi tried to jump from the school rooftop. That was when we know that JangMi need help and she was actually not happy. Please, don’t think she is crazy. She is not. She always kept to herself and rarely shares a secret. I think you should read her diary and then you will know how JangMi actually is.

Once again, please don’t think JangMi is mad and insane. She… been battling with herself for too long and she lost it that night. And I have one more thing to tell you. Remember the day you accident and you almost go blind? You probably could guess it. Your eyes right now was JangMi’s eyes. She was an organ donor. You are lucky because JangMi was been brought to the same hospital same as you. Though at first I was regret signing that paper after I knew you broke her heart, but I know I did the right thing. It’s probably the best thing ever happen to her. You and her finally could share something. Promise me that you will take a good care of the eyes.

I think that’s all I wanted to say. Hopefully you are in good health. Take care.

Sincerely

Mrs.Shin

 

JinKi is crying and crying and he could not stop. He feels so wrong and guilty. If only, if only he can turn back time.  But he can’t and that is the reality.

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JinKi looks down from the hospital’s rooftop. It was very high but JinKi is determined. He climbs at the edge of the building, with arms wide open.

“I’m sorry JangMi. I know sorry is not enough.. so I will be meeting you. Hopefully I will meet you in heaven.  Don’t worry, JangMi. You are not alone now. I’m coming and will meet you…”

JinKi jumps from the 20^th floor building and his body hits the ground....

 

END