Berlin, Germany

Taeyeon sighed as she nervously scanned the small crowd forming around their busking set-up. She has been in the idol business for twelve years, is in a girl group, two sub-units and also a solo artist but she has never felt more nervous in her entire career. Somehow, the few people getting ready to watch her perform felt more intimate, more personal than professional environments she was used to in Seoul.

She looks around the audience and her eyes caught a group of girls laughing and taking photos of each other—she smiled as she remembered her bandmates, her sisters. They were also young once, like them. She missed the girls together. They were her second home.

Home.

She lost hers five years ago.

Jessica was home—she still is to Taeyeon.

She is the reason why Taeyeon still sings, in hopes of sending out messages through her songs and hoping that she listens. She badly wants her to listen.

She closed her eyes as she heard her companion asking the audience if they’re ready to listen to her. She opened her eyes and introduced herself to the crowd.

“Hi everyone, my name is Taeyeon. I am here to sing a song that means a lot to me, personally. I hope you like it." She shyly grins as the crowd clapped.

-----

Everybody loves the things you do / From the way you talk / To the way you move

She thinks about Jessica.

Her Sooyeon.

Everybody here is watching you / Cause you feel like home / You’re like a dream come true

It was 2004 when Taeyeon first met Jessica. 2004 was the year it all started.

Taeyeon was the new trainee, the quiet girl with the beautiful voice, the siren. She wanted to prove to everyone that she was more than just a girl raised away from the city, and she did.

Jessica was the golden girl, the hardworking one, the top trainee. She knows what her dreams are, and she’s not afraid to reach it, with her feet still touching the ground.

They were eventually paired together during singing lessons and they immediately clicked. Maybe, just maybe, fifteen year old Taeyeon’s heart skipped a beat when Jessica smiled at her for the first time.

-----

Taeyeon loves deeply, feels every single emotion yet capable of not showing it to the world. Jessica loves easily, yet rarely opens up herself to do so.

The two of them together were dangerous, yet strangely compatible.

-----

But if by chance you’re here alone / Can I have a moment / Before I go?

“Taengoo? You know I lo—“ Sooyeon, just please take care of yourself. I will be watching you from afar. Please continue singing, you know I am and will always be your number one supporter.

Jessica rarely opens herself up to love, but maybe the kind of love she craves is the kind that breaks her heart.

-----

Cause I’ve been by myself all night long / Hoping you’re someone I used to know

It’s easy not to cry during their Into the New World ballad performance at Tokyo Dome. Although the wounds that are still fresh in her heart and in her soul felt like it would never heal, she pours out her emotion through singing.

Sunny cries with her first line and the others were all crying by the end of the song.

Taeyeon doesn’t.

It’s easy to play pretend, she’s good at it. Pretending like you didn’t and still don’t have deep feelings for your ex-bandmate and bestfriend was a skill she trained herself to be good at. It’s easy to pretend when you’ve been doing it for the past few months, crying yourself to sleep and waking up to practiced smiles in the bathroom mirror.

She pretends that she doesn’t see the maknaes desperately begging for their manager to talk to the company to bring her back.

She pretends that she doesn’t see Sunny and Tiffany drinking heavy liquor almost every day since the incident.

She pretends that she doesn’t know about Hyoyeon, Yuri and Sooyoung’s clubbing habit as an attempt to distract themselves from her departure.

Pretending that she doesn’t exist was hard, but it’s what Taeyeon has to be good at. She has to be.

-----

You look like a movie / You sound like a song / My god this reminds me of when we were young

Taeyeon stays up until midnight to wait for the release of Jessica’s solo debut music video.

She still is the most beautiful girl Taeyeon has ever laid eyes on.

She listens to the lyrics. Hopeful. A fresh start.

Reach for your dreams, Taeyeon heard Jessica sing. Twelve years since she met her and Jessica still knows what her dreams are, and still isn’t afraid to reach it. Both feet still planted on the ground.

Taeyeon cries herself to sleep.

-----

Today marks the 10^th year since their debut stage.

Back then, they were nine. Now, they were eight. Tomorrow, they’ll be five.

Sunny sends a cryptic message that is obviously about her and Taeyeon wishes she had the guts to do it, too.

-----

When we were young / When we were young

(2008)

“Can I kiss you, Tae?”

“Kiss me so hard you don’t even have to ask.”

-----

It’s hard to admit that everything just takes me back / To when you were there

It’s been five years and Taeyeon still felt the pain like it just happened the moment she woke up today. Every single thing still reminds her of Jessica.

Taeyeon felt a little pathetic for hanging onto old memories. Perhaps, she couldn’t move on because she doesn’t want to. For Taeyeon, Jessica was her first everything. From first kiss to first ual experience— Jessica was marked all over her thoughts and memories.

Ever since she was gone, Taeyeon wanted to reach out a couple of times. She was a coward for not taking a step forward to rekindle their relationship—friendship at the least. Maybe this was for the better.

Jessica looked happy with Irene, anyway. Not that Taeyeon stalks their instagram, or anything.

-----

And a part of me keeps holding on / Just in case it hasn’t gone / I guess I still care / Do you still care?

Taeyeon bumps into the f(x) members at SMTOWN backstage.

Amber loudly says hello and Luna hugs her.

Sooju- Krystal. She was there. Years of managing not to meet each other despite the small industry and she sees her for the first time since the incident as well.

Krystal stares at her and Taeyeon stares right back. She didn’t know how to react. Especially since the girl’s cold demeanor reminded her of Jessica’s ice princess title back when they were younger. Taeyeon wanted to smile and greet her, but she was frozen in her place. The smallest drop of Jung Jessica was standing right in front of her- in the form of her baby sister who looked just like her.

She needs to lie down.

She was snapped away from her own thoughts when Amber started shaking her. “Are you okay?” she says, sympathy evident in her voice.

“I’m okay.” Taeyeon replies, lies masked by a small smile.

Amber smiles back a little, clearly knowing the truth. “Soojungie told me that she asked about you.”

Taeyeon laughs, “Amber, I know you missed your girlfriend but please stop having auditory hallucinations and listen to what she’s actually saying.”

Amber puts a hand on her shoulder, “You should talk to her. She’d like that.”

Taeyeon stops laughing and looks at Amber in the eyes, trying to see if she’s being genuine and truthful. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Sometimes actions speak louder than words. You two know that better than anyone.”

Taeyeon looked like she was in deep thought before replying, “Should I bring zero as a peace offering gift?”

-----

Let me photograph you in this light / In case it is the last time / That we might be exactly like we were

Taeyeon loves taking photos of Jessica.

Jessica sleeping in her bed happened so often she had a whole album in her phone.

The last photo she had of her was three nights before the incident, Jessica fell asleep on her shoulder while they were in the middle of watching a movie in the Jung residence.

Taeyeon wishes they had more time.

-----

She asks the company to give her a month. Just one month. It’s the least they could do to their respectable senior artist anyway. 15 years of being under them. It’s one small favour.

She tells the girls she’s going to sing in the streets of Europe as an attempt to re-discover herself.

Find herself again. Find the reason why she still sings.

Tiffany, currently in Los Angeles asks her about her full schedule in Europe. She wanted to ask why but she thinks that this is just Tiffany’s inner Manager Hwang talking. She’d be alone in another continent anyway, so best to have at least one person know about her whereabouts.

She doesn’t think much about it.

-----

 

Taeyeon sings the last line of the song as she hears applause from the crowd.

Her eyes scanned the small crowd and she saw couples holding hands, some people were crying and some were smiling at her with tears in their eyes.

Her decision of singing that song in public was her own way of purging her emotional feelings she had of the past, and the present. Is it enough? No. But it felt good. She hopes Jessica would be able to get her message, they were good at sending messages throughout their songs anyway, Taeyeon assumes.

Or maybe bringing zero to Jessica’s apartment as an offering would still be a great idea?

Taeyeon bows and thanks everyone as the crowd left one by one. She sighs in relief and checks her phone.

A text from two people, one from Tiffany saying she hopes she liked the surprise with a winking emoji. What surprise? Taeyeon thinks Tiffany’s been drinking again in California.

She opens the one with the unknown number.

“You did great, Taengoo. I’m at your apartment here in Berlin. I brought wine. –J”

Taeyeon wanted to cry.

A fresh start for the both of them in Berlin.

"It was for you. I'll be right there. (:" 

-

5 years ago, she lost her home.

5 years later, she's here to get it back.

It's time to come back to her home.

 

 

 

 

Author’s note

Just a little something because Taeng singing When we were young got me all up in my feelings last night. I hope you liked it, and apologies if it seemed a little rushed.

I especially put Jessica bringing wine into Taeyeon’s apartment in Berlin because it reminded me of Taeng posting pictures of her drinking wine in Prague recently. In my head, Jessica was the one who influenced her to love wine, hahaha.

I'd love to hear your thoughts my fellow taengsic shippers. Comment down below if you want to 🙈