Minghao is staring at the ceiling as if it would give him comfort and support. He's pillow is wet again from crying. He really tried to be silent and he marveled how he got so good at doing it. Oh yeah, it's because no one cares about him.

Crying is therapeutic in a way that makes him feel. He sometimes cut but no one really cares so he usually does it.  Cutting has this thrill that once you do it you'll crave it. The pain he feels after the cut reminds him that he is still alive. 

He's really tired. He hates that he gets so attached to a person that he doesn't know how to function without them if they decide to ignore him one day. See, where his trust issues came from? He doesn't want to be alone and he thought to find people who would be there for him will ease this ache but he should really learn from the past. Summers without talking to "friends", not getting invites to hangouts, not knowing the latest issues, not coming to your birthday party, being the last resort for group members, and the list goes on yet he's still hoping that maybe he just met the wrong people and maybe he could find people who will like him for him .

Maybe there's something wrong with him that no one would really like him. He's tired and he just wants it to end. He often begs God to take him already. He knows he is being selfish but he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't have the will anymore. It's like he's swimming under the Marianas trench, he can't seem to take the pressure of this world and he's drowning already. He thought that if he does those meetups he could be better but it seems to just leave him with a heavier load than he can carry. They always say that he could talk to them but how can he when they don't know him or will judge him? He's not even doing anything before but exists why can't he be better?

 He tried and they kept on expecting him to be this way or that. He always wonders if he was a mistake or he's made defective. He also asks the heavens: Why can't somebody like him ?????!!! Is he that horrible???!! Is he that ugly???! Stupid!!??? They would say that he fine but where are they now? Leaving him like he was never part of their lives he guesses he's just here to just be a background to someone else's story.

The classmate that they know but don't really know. The student who listens but don't really excel in anything. The athlete who completes the team but can't score. The singer who never shines. The roommate who is always there just fill up the vacant space. The group member who is there to be seen but not heard. He's just there but no one really cares and if they do they would eventually see the defect in him that keeps people away and will forget him. 

He's used to being ignored by his family so much that he does not know how to be affectionate and communicate. He tries but he's always been discarded like someone insignificant. He often wonders if he did something wrong in his past life that he is miserable and unhappy.

He already tried thinking positively and trying to feel happy in small things but he always finds it forced and he feels numb doing anything. He also tried sports but after the adrenaline rush, he's just tired. He really does try to make himself better and not result in crying and begging to God but he can't.

He doesn't want to die with his own hands because that would be an issue for the people he would leave behind so he results to begging God every night to take him and just make him a plant in the next life. He can't really deal with these emotions anymore. 

If only God would grant his wish, it would really end his misery and would let him rest from this demanding world we live in.