By now it's safe to say he is your best friend.

You met on the first day of freshman year and have studied, crammed reports, failed tests and aced tests ever since.

Now it's the night before graduation and by some miracle, you've managed to convince Hanbin to go to a party.

“I’m so proud of you! Not like I was going to let you graduate without going to at least one party, but the fact that you volunteered and I didn’t have to bribe you into going is amazing.”
“Hey, I’ve been to many parties.”
“Waiting at the front door to pick me up doesn’t count as going to a party.”
“It should. I might as well have been your Plus One since you always drink for two anyway.”

It was true. Hanbin’s gotten you out of many a sticky situation after one too many mystery shots and cans of beer. And through all of those, bless his heart, he never once complained.
It wasn’t like you were some sort of wayward party girl, just that parties were always the way to meet boys and to get over them. And you’ve had quite the few very dramatic relationships throughout your life at uni.

First there was Kim Jiwon the senior when you were a freshman, who broke up with you at his graduation and whom you never quite got over, if you’re being honest.

Then there was Yunhyeong. Poor, sweet Yunhyeong who didn’t stand a chance the moment he took a chance with you. He was too kind-hearted and you were too heartbroken. He wanted you to be happy but you didn’t know how to be happy and it broke him. You always say you had no choice but to give away the heartbreak you received, but you’ll always be sorry to him.

Then there was Junhoe of the Jiu-Jitsu team. Well, he was hoping to get a scholarship to be in your university’s Jiu-Jitsu team, but when you met him, he was still the captain of his high school Jiu-Jitsu team. You don’t know how you managed to snag a boyfriend from giving high school seniors a tour of your uni, yet there you were, suddenly with a crush on a tall, lanky boy who always had a stupid smile on his face but knew he was attractive anyway.

You were so worried to tell Hanbin who you were dating then. “So who’s the new guy?” he asked after watching you smiling to your phone when you two were supposed to be studying for Calculus finals. He made that face you knew all too well, the one he always made when he was trying to be patient with you. His eyes always looked a little sad when he disapproved of your actions or your choices.

You told him then that Junhoe was part of the Jiu-Jitsu team and a senior – both true. He was part of a Jiu Jitsu team (and they were ranked first in the east coast high school boys division) and he was a senior (in high school).

Okay, both technically true.

If Hanbin knew you were lying then, he didn’t get angry nor confront you about it.

You did end up having to tell him the truth eventually, when you found out Junhoe was actually a jerk who was dating you and their school’s head cheerleader simultaneously. Typical high school drama you were too old to be a part of. And yet it still stung, your feelings hurt and your ego bruised.

Thankfully there was a party at a sorority house that night, so you drank the heartbreak away. And when you had no other choice but to call Hanbin to pick you up and take you back to the dorms, it only took his concerned look and the question “Are you okay?” for your alcohol-addled brain to tell him the whole, entire truth: that you, a respectable junior from a prestigious university, was dating a high school boy.

“No more boyfriends come senior year,” you had sworn then, with Hanbin as your witness. “No more boyfriends till I graduate.” And surprisingly, you made do with your promise, staying happily single and drama-free for the entire senior year.

Without boyfriends or parties your nights were suddenly free, and you could attend Hanbin’s recitals or hang out with him at the College of Music’s recording studio. On really lazy days, you just hung out with him at his apartment.

So yeah, you’re definitely best friends.

You say as much when Pre-Med Hunk asks about Hanbin and your relationship status. The party is surprisingly chill and allowed for decent conversation above the noisy chatter and music.

“So you’re just best friends? For real?”
“For real. Since freshman year.”
“Damn. I used to see you two around campus a lot and really thought you guys were a thing. If I had known you weren’t together I would’ve asked you out or something.”

Pre-Med Hunk’s name is Donghyuk, number one in his class and the ultimate campus crush. If you were going to break your senior year singlehood vow for anyone, you would do it for him.

“What did I miss?” Hanbin comes back with a non-alcoholic ginger beer in one hand and a Paulaner in the other. He hands you the Paulaner and chugs his drink.
“Nothing, I was just informed that you are not in fact her boyfriend,” Donghyuk tells him, watching him drink the ginger beer with an amused expression. “That’s a great drink of choice you got there.”
Hanbin smiles, if a little shyly. “I can’t hold down a drink,” he says, a blush on his cheeks.
“Well one of us has to stay sober at these parties and it’s usually him.” You clink your beer bottle to his. “He’s taken care of me in my many drunken days since freshman year. He’s the best friend a girl could ever have.”
“But you don’t need a best friend to care for you, baby. I mean, you can always have me.” Donghyuk inches closer and puts his arm around you, and you let him. He’s a nice guy, smart, charming, super attractive. What’s not to like?

Except from the corner of your eye, you can see Hanbin watching the two of you with that look again, the one you can never tell if it meant he was hurt or disappointed.

Maybe it’s both.

But why would he be?

You’re only best friends.

Suddenly the lights at the house dim, the volume is turned up and dance music starts playing.

“May I have this dance, my lady?” Donghyuk asks you before he turns to Hanbin. “You don’t mind, do you?”

For a split second you lock eyes with Hanbin, and for the first time since you’ve known him, you see it in his face: he looks at you like he wants to tell you something, like he doesn’t want you to go with Donghyuk, like he’d rather you stay with him.

But he doesn’t say anything, and soon enough, Donghyuk is whisking you away to the dancefloor.

For the rest of the night, you try to have fun and try not to think about Hanbin. But then you spot him leaving the party in a rush and you follow after him.

“Hanbin, wait!”

He doesn’t look back, even though you know he heard you.

“Hanbin, seriously, wait for me!”

If anything, he seems to quicken his pace.

“Hanbin, WAIT!”

He finally stops in his tracks once you’re both out of the house. You run to catch up to him.

“Where are you going?”

“What do you want?” The edge in his voice and his rough reply catch you off guard.

“Nothing. I just – I wanted to know where you’re going. I told you to wait but you ignored me.”

“I didn’t hear you.” You know he’s lying because he can’t look you in the eye. You decide to let it go. “Fine. So where are you going?”

“Back to the apartment.”

“Why? We just got here.”

“We just got here and I’m already over it. Maybe I’m just not good at parties.”

“But you won’t know until you give it a chance.”

“I’ve given it a chance. It’s not my thing.”

“You’ve barely given it a chance. Come on, stay. For me?”

Hanbin looks at you then, incredulous. “For you?”

“Yeah. It’s the night before graduation. I wanna spend it with my best friend.”

Hanbin looks upset, like he’s trying to keep his frustration at bay. “Really? Because it looked like you wanted to spend it with Mr. Perfect over there.”

You look back and see Donghyuk waiting for you by the front door.

Hanbin sighs loudly. “Look, just call me when you’re ready to go home, okay? And take this.” He shrugs off his jacket and hands it to you. “Don’t catch a cold.”

You take the jacket from him and your fingers briefly touch. When you look up at him, his eyes are the saddest you’ve ever seen them.

Still he says nothing, turns around and walks away.

For the rest of the night, you can’t stop thinking about the way Hanbin looked at you with those sad eyes. It doesn’t take long until you want to leave.

You start walking back to your dorm. It’s a good thing Hanbin gave you his jacket – it’s late and it’s getting pretty cold. You tuck your hands inside the pockets of the jacket to keep them warm.

That’s when your fingers feel something. Out of one pocket, you pull out a piece of paper, folded neatly.

It has your name on it in Hanbin’s writing.

 

You won’t know how many times I’ve tried to tell you this in the last four years.

Honestly, I was okay with you not knowing. I was okay with you never knowing.

Because I’m okay being the person you lean on from time to time, if that’s all I’ll ever be.

I’m fine with that.

But it’s the last night before graduation. And this might be my last chance.

And if I don’t say something, it will be my last regret.

So I guess I’m doing this. I’m saying it.

I like you. Have liked you since the day we met freshman year.

I like the way you smile when you listen to my cheesy lyrics. I like the way you try not to laugh when my voice breaks in the demos I make.

I like how confident you are, how smart you are.

I like the way you love – wholeheartedly, unconditionally. Even if it means you lose love the same way – with all of your heart broken into tiny little pieces.

I don’t mind putting you back together again, over and over again.

You’ll think I’m saying this because I’m your best friend.

But I have to let you know you’re more than just a best friend to me.

You are everything.

You’re the only person I want to spend my days with.

You are the only person I’ll ever need.

 

But please don’t feel burdened by this.

It might not seem like it, but being your best friend is more than enough for me.

I’m okay being the person you lean on from time to time, if that’s all I’ll ever be.

So don’t take this the wrong way.

Please.

- Hanbin

 

You don’t realize you’ve stopped walking, the note in your hands bringing you to tears.

It all comes back to you: all the times you’ve taken him for granted, all the times he must’ve tried to tell you how he felt, but you were too concerned with your own feelings about someone else to ever notice.

All those years you wasted on other boys when Hanbin has always been right there by your side, patiently waiting.

You hear a voice say your name and you look up to find Hanbin standing there.

“You—you found it. You weren’t supposed to find it, I wasn’t going to give it to you, I’m sorry.” His eyes are downcast and he looks flustered, in a panic.

“Why won’t you give it to me? Don’t you mean it? The things in the letter?”

“Of course I mean it! Everything I wrote in there is true. It’s just that I…” He hesitates, and you get anxious, impatient.

“What? What is it, then?”

Hanbin takes a deep breath. “I know you don’t feel the same way, and I don’t wanna lose you as a friend.” He closes his eyes as if resigned to his fate. “Even if it means you don’t ever find out how I feel, I won’t mind, as long as I can still be your best friend. So please forget I wrote anything. Just please forget what you read.”

You walk towards him in slow, measured steps, and he watches you come closer. You stop only when you’re mere inches away from him, your faces so close you’re enveloped by his scent, like you’re surrounded by his entire being and all you know and all you see, all you feel is him.

“I don’t want you to be my best friend,” you tell him, voice calm, tone level.

His eyes widen in surprise before pain flashes through them. “You don’t mean that,” he says, though the crack in his voice betrays him.

“I mean it. I don’t want us to be best friends.”

You keep his gaze, your face serious until you can’t help it anymore and you break into a smile.

“I want us to be something else.”

Standing there in the middle of a cold night, on a random street on your last night at campus before you graduate, before you set off into the real world, you stand on your tip toes and as he leans in for your last first kiss.

 

Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night
Kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright
Three times 'cause I waited my whole life

 

*****
Three years later, you’re packing up your stuff to get ready to move out of your apartment. It’s been fun living on your own in the city, but both you and Hanbin have decided it’s time to take a big step forward in your relationship: you decide it’s finally time to move in together.

It made perfect sense to do so: you were practically living in his apartment anyway with the amount of time you spend there. This way, you get to save on rent.

Moving out of your apartment also meant needing to get rid of all the stuff you didn’t need anymore. And after a long day of going through all the stuff you have in your closet, you find something you haven’t seen in years, though it hasn’t lost its meaning.

Hanbin’s jacket from that night.

Somehow it still smelled like him. You keep the note he wrote somewhere safe, but somehow forgot about the jacket that once held it.

It hits you then: you moving in with Hanbin, then finding his old jacket – it’s such impeccable timing. It’s the sign you’ve been waiting for, the sign you’ve been expecting.

You grab a pen, a piece of paper, and start writing.

 

I like shiny things,

But I'd marry you with paper rings

I hate accidents,

Except when we went from friends to this

You’re the one I want, Kim Hanbin

Will you marry me?