Now I stand here, alone. There is diffuse darkness around me. I close my eyes, a lonely tear rolls silently over my cheek and bursts on my clenched hand. It's cold, damn cold. A bitter smile creeps on my dry, torn lips. How fitting. I lean against the still colder railing of the bridge. My eyes sweep over the dark, unfathomable water under my feet. Jumping would be a solution. My teeth sink into my lips, only when I taste the metallic taste, the pressure eases on the tongue. No optimal solution. I would be a coward if I jumped. Even if the thought leaves a bitter sweet taste.

 

The feeling of freedom, even if it lasts only a moment. Instead of pain for the first time a spark of longing. I drive over my arms, goosebumps. How would it be if I fell? When my body sinks into the impulsive waves and is torn with the current towards salvation? Maybe I would finally be home. A gust of wind seizes me, brown strands are pulled along, longingly extend into the distance. Grasping for salvation. What else does this life bring me? I grew up. I sink less and less in dreams.

 

My wishes are not fulfilled. The love for you overshadows everything else. I am no longer clinging to the hope of being loved by you. However. My love will not fade, no matter how poorly you treat me, Sehun. No, even now she is growing, burying her treacherous roots in my heart. And that hurts both mentally and physically.

 

In the evening I lie in my cold bed and roll myself into a fetus, while seizing the cramps. Five years ago you returned, without a doubt the most beautiful day of my life. At that time I was so gullible. I actually believed that I just could crack your hard shell. Silly me. Your cold looks, your mean words, your behavior towards me have pushed me more and more towards abyss. And now I am standing here. Pitifully, small, weak, helpless.

 

I realize that you were right. That's me. No matter how much I fight your point  of view remains the same. Why change if you don’t see it? And now it starts raining too. Is Heaven weeping? For a meaningless, messed up life? Congratulations Oh you did it. You have turned me into a nerve bundle. There is no room for positive thoughts in my head. I raise my shaky hands and clap. Give yourself the due applause. You really deserve that. My clothes hang on me like a second skin, my hair forms an unhealthy contrast to my pale complexion.

 

I haven’t done freezing for a long time. What for? I lower my hands and clench the railing tighter until my knuckles are white. Wherever I am, I see your face, it's almost as if you're following me. Absurd. Sighing, I give myself one last time to my fantasies. Stand with you, together. Smooth over your silky, disheveled hair. Sink into your sight. Now and then, when the pain wins and the abyss opens, I paint your face on paper.

 

Something I can cling to when your cruelty turns to me again. In my pictures you are different. Your face is the same, flawless and dark, raw beauty. But in your eyes flashes a spark, your full lips are drawn to a crooked smile, you look happier. You rarely smile, much too rarely. Your smile makes you even more beautiful.

 

You used to smile a lot, what happened in the time you were away? What drew you so? Did she devour all the light that once lived in you? In other circumstances, I would regret you. But I don’t do it anymore! Your way to me has changed me. I now know that you don’t want my regret.

 

With empty eyes, I face you day by day and endure your mocking, hurtful words. I don’t know when I started believing in these words. A sound leaves my lips, dies away in the humble silence. And I don’t know when I lost the ground under my feet. The only thing I want is to be with you, to be accepted by you again.

 

I don’t understand why you hate me so much. You treat everyone else differently. With respect. Yes, you are even friendly to them. Not to me. What have I done that you hate me so much? Yes, it's a fig to jump, but I just can’t. I don’t want to pretend that I can endure all this. This morning you gave me the rest, you didn’t know that I was behind you when you said the worst words yet, of my puny life to Chanyeol.

 

»He'd do us a favor if he finally disappears and leaves me alone.« At that moment, something in me broke down. My heart has shattered under your feet. Chanyeol had been astonished, your words had shocked him.

 

They had robbed me of the last spark of hope. Now everything seems strangely clear, everything fits together. My existence prevents you from becoming happy. Suddenly it's easy, I climb over the waist-high railing. The water rushes under me, can you hear it? It's calling for me. My feet are safe on the small gallery, the blood rushes in my ears. For the first time in years, I feel Alive, heated excitement buzzing in my inner life. Like an angel, I raise my arms, enjoy the cold wind that dances around me. Then I let my arms sink again, sit down on the cold rock beneath me, my feet dangle.

 

A movement and I would fall. No, fly! Attentively my dark brown eyes, the impressions of my environment. One last time I allow myself to revel in happy memories, back when everything was so easy. But the only thing I see is your face. All the time. And now I hear your voice how beautiful it sounds. Do you know that your voice could settle wars? Cheesy? No in my eyes it’s a fact. As soon as you speak, silence returns, everyone listens to you as if spellbound.

 

Listen to the sound of your words. Dreamily, I lean back, even if you insult me, I feel the butterflies in my stomach, they perform a wild dance. And all because your voice is so wonderful.

 

You are the negative pole and I the positive pole. Inevitably, I feel attracted and can’t help it. Your voice sharpens my senses, making the oppressive silence bearable around me. Was I going crazy too? Do I want you so much that my imagination fools your voice? Or is this the last chance I am granted before being into the depths of the river? Get lost forever in the dark.

 

»Damn it! ! Are you completely crazy?!« I smile blissfully, even now you  offend me. If that desperation was only real in your voice, now I can   smell your exquisite scent. Unmistakable, unique, breathtaking. If your         fragrance was a perfume I would bathe in it. A second tear rolls over my     cheek, ades, swirls in the air and lands in the roaring river under my     feet.     A little shaky, I straighten up, ready to follow my tear.

 

»What the hell, Baekhyun, !« A smile flits across my face, warm, real and honest. Now I even hear his energetic steps. How nice that was granted to    me once again. Then I let the wind carry me, towards salvation, to make you     happy. But what is it? Am I hanging tight? A firm pressure, someone clasps     my arm. Was that what I imagined?

 

Startled, I open my eyes and look over my shoulders. There you stand. In your brilliant beauty. Dangerous, wicked, like a dark knight. Oh, see you. I gasp for breath, my legs give way under me, but you are hindering me. Why? Wasn’t it your wish that I go? No word leaves my lips. You look so angry, if I didn’t know better, i could say that even worry is reflected in your features. Then you cover my hip and carry me to the safe side. The rain whips around us. But we don’t notice it. I feel your warmth under my fingertips, smell your scent, your hair tickles my cheek. Am I dreaming? As soon as we are standing, you shaking me.

 

Your fingers dig into the hem of my T-shirt. »What the Baekhyun? Are you abandoned by all good spirits? You could have died! Damn!« I watch your outburst without expression. What do you care if I die or not? Even if it hurts, I release myself from your firm grip and turn away from you, looking boldly into the distance.

 

»That was my goal, too.« You gasp. For the first time in years, I robbed you of from words. After all, your hands are resting on my shoulder and certainly turn me in your direction. Now we are facing each other directly. Your hair is drenched as well as your clothes. In your eyes a fight rages, your jaw is hardened. I return your intense gaze questioningly. »Why?« Whispers you. Despite the thunderous wind, I hear you.

 

»Without me you can finally be happy.« Bewilderment in your face. You stagger. I put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t sob, tears dripping from my eyes. The rain washes them away.

 

You touch your forehead. »You wanted to kill yourself because me? Do I understand that correctly?« I nod timidly, I have nothing left to lose. Then the unbelievable happens. In the one moment we are still facing each other and the next moment you have torn me, in your arms and now clinging to me. This reaction almost takes my breath away. Please don’t let me wake up.

 

»I wouldn’t have expected something stupid as this from you, Baek!« I'm still dizzy from your closeness, the pressure of your hands on me. Under the fabric of my clothes my skin tingles, longing breaks through the dam of suffering. Flood my soul with love. And then I do it, my hands are caught in the fabric of your T-shirt, uncontrolled sobs pave the way to freedom. My face is resting on the crook of your neck.

 

»Baekhyun.« you whisper. The woeful sound in your voice silences me.

»Listen and say nothing.« I stiffen in your arms and listen to your voice. Each of your words brings back a piece of old, carefree, happy Baekhyun. I thought I had lost him forever.

 

»Please never do that again. If I hadn’t sought out this bridge out of a sudden instinct, by God you would be dead now. Don’t you know that I can’t live without you? You're a part of me! I never wanted to tell you, wanted you to hate me, believe me it's better for you, that I'm doing something like that I did not think. I'm not adorable Baekhyun, but it's you! I hate my feelings for you, soiling your purity. So listen, I will say it not again, I love you! And damn it, I can’t be strong anymore. I don’t want to live without you anymore!«

 

Incredulous, I lift my face and look at your face. Then tears stream down my cheek. »I dream! It can only be a dream.« You laugh, an honest, warm laugh. Banned, I look at your features. How much it changes your too-serious face. You look boyish, carefree.

 

»Shall I prove the opposite to you?« You ask. Unable to think clearly, I nod. Let me carry my feelings. You come closer, gently your warm breath over my cheek. Standstill. It's like the world isn’t turning anymore. Your lips touch mine. An explosion in my body. Sensory impressions rush down on me. Heat, heat everywhere. Finally, I put my arms around you and pull you closer to my lips.

 

If this is really a dream I want to enjoy it. Enjoy everything that is offered to me. And do everything in my power to pull this dream into eternity. Peppermint and a touch of your own fragrance hangs on your lips. Even an apocalypse wouldn’t be able to separate me from you. Desperate, I cling to you so that you don’t dissolve in the air and leave me behind.

 

You lift me into your arms without releasing you from my lips. My entire body tingles excited. I float on a cloud. Hang tight between unbelief and the stuff dreams are made of. Your lips are soft and yet hard. Tasty, but sweet.I have to correct myself, this is the best day of my life. For a moment, our lips part. Our eyes intersect. My heart beats faster than any car can drive. Passion and warmth burn in your eyes. A wry grin makes your face shine.

 

Make up the saving light in the dark. We catch our breath. Several minutes, hours after we are there, on the bridge. Closely entwined. Two lovers. Like drowning we cling to each other. »Sehun?« I asked softly into the silence.

 

»Hm?«

 

»Don’t ever let me go, will you?«

 

»No way!«

 

Our lips meet again. Sinking in a deep, passionate kiss.

 

 

 

_

 

 

 

 

I look up to the stars. Tonight they shine in a different light, I have the strange feeling that they only sparkle for me. Magic. That's the way to call it. I'm still amazed at how fast life can change. For two days everything was hopeless, lost and one-sided. And now the darkness is around me, not so overwhelming and cold as before. I see lights, hear the nature, the gentle sound of breaking waves. Can that be true? One moment has decided my fate. For many years, when you have appeared, a glimmer of hope has risen in me, that hope has grown into a great flood when you have acknowledged your love for me.

 

The feared frustration that has lasted for five years no longer exists, my suffering heart is now pumped full of love. As if there had never been suffering and grief. I close my eyes and lean against the railing. Nothing but warm, woolly, pleasant warmth. Perfect. You can’t say otherwise. I could cry with happiness, even if I have already done enough. You're still pretty cool and unpredictable, that will not change that fast. For that you have lived far too long in your isolated world. However, for me it’s more than I ever dreamed of!

 

No matter how much you hurt me, you have always been the one for me. And it will stay that way. I could never imagine another boy by my side. It doesn’t matter to me how hard it will be to go this uneven way with you. Together! I'm tasting that huge word on my tongue. It tastes great. The prospect that one day you can properly "live" makes all the suffering of the world sustainable. An exciting, colorful, not so one-sided time, is approaching me. I drive over my stomach, feel the pressure of countless butterflies. A laugh slips over my lips, glistening bright and natural. Breathe. Live.

 

Then I deliberately touch my lips, they are swollen. Because of you. Our countless kisses have left a mark. Delighted I rejoice in the night. Make a leap of joy and reach my fist into the sky. My life finally has a meaning. The excitement of the last night has still not died away. As I look into the horizon with shining eyes, images patter down on me. Pictures in which my white, slender hands shaky, sink into your raven hair, in which my body according to your addiction, in which we find each other and become one.

 

A huge barrage of concentrated emotions hits my heart and makes it beat faster. I press my lips together and put my head back. Whisper over and over again »Thank you.« Silently knowing that the stars hear me. My hair my back, shaking my skin. Your scent is everywhere on me. I am branded like. I don’t long for anything more than to carry your scent. Forever.

 

I remember your touch. Tender as a feather. Unbelief in your eyes. Knowledge, fascination. So many emotions have gone into your face. I couldn’t look away. This morning, for the first time, we appeared together during training. I will never forget the faces of our friends. Even Suho worked as if the eighth wonder of the world had occurred. Somehow that's it too! That you and I could become a couple, nobody thought. Not even me, and yet we are.

 

The very thought of it is so indescribable that I can’t believe it. It's like the world is moving in a different rhythm. Colors are fuller, sounds more intense, impressions more precise. Laughing, I push myself away from the railing of the bridge from which I wanted to jump for a few days. I turn in a circle, my feet dance. It's like light shining out of me. The whole world is dazzling. Giggling, I gasp. Immediately my heart leaps out of my chest. I brush my hair back and smile sheepishly. This outburst of my emotions will probably visit me more often, in the near future.

 

Soon enough, countless pictures of you and me will hang in my room. Fill the bare walls with memories. Full of energy, I’m already preparing myself for my time. I will do everything in my power to banish the dark from your heart. To finally heal your broken, scratched soul. A tear cheats into freedom. Now I'm crying. Because I'm so happy. My life has changed on this bridge. For me, this place has now become a magical, mysterious and unique place. From here I just have to walk a few steps and then I'm with you.

 

Which is why I’m here tonight. Secretly, I stole me from your warm, comfortable bed and came here. To tell the stars about my happiness, to thank and cheer me. And what it looks like crying too. Tears of joy! »Baekhyun!« I look over my shoulder and meet your angry, sleepy eyes.

 

One of your black eyebrows shoots up. My cheeks are getting warm, my heart is beating faster and my head is missing. Your sight should be banned. So much beauty in a person is unhealthy for a heart like mine. 

 

unkempt, your hair looks even more attractive. Your face looks softer when you are tired. My dark knight. He just seems a little angry! Quickly I smooth my clothes and bite my lower lip. »What are you doing here again?!« You walk towards me supple, your scent swings towards me, your radiation should actually unsettle me, but achieves the opposite effect.

 

I’m excited, fascinated and in love with you. My voice sounds shaky and squeaky when I answer you. »I wanted to think.« You're standing right in front of me. So huge and muscular. The years of training have paid off.

 

Growling, you lift me into your arms as if I were light as a feather. My eyes have assumed the size of saucers. Immediately I put my hands on your broad shoulders. I look like a small, vulnerable child in your arms. Your breath sweeps over my skin, making me tremble in your hands.

 

»Next time you take me with you. I will not let you alone here alone!« You sound possessive. My pulse rings fast and fast. »Promised.« The hardness in your face disappears and allows a bit of light. For Two days, you've done everything so that I hate you. Now you finally allow me to love you.

 

New tears wet my skin. Rau your thumb over my cheek, wiping away the tears. »Stop looking at me like I'm about to turn into a monster. These times are over!« I grin and cuddle closer into your arms. Bliss extends over our heads. Meilenweit.

 

»We're going home now, and this time you're staying in bed. I do not want to worry all the time about you Baekhyun.« Alone the 'we' was enough to let my body ride a roller coaster. I raise my head, looking for your soft, perfect lips. You grant it to me. Slowly, we merge into a heady, sweet kiss. Then we start moving, still in your arms, looking back over your shoulder. On the cookie that was an end and at the same time a fresh start. I look into the starry sky and nod to them gratefully.

 

You push me tighter in your arms and kissed my forehead. A little later, I lie in your bed and sleep peacefully in your arms. With the knowledge in mind, this is the first step towards the future. Our future!

 

 

The End!