Robin, look at this! He excitedly exclaimed, as we visited the biggest album store in town for his 13^th birthday. He always did love to listen to metal and rock, if he ever had time out of soccer practice...Neither one of us had the money to buy a legit album or even a shiny new soccer ball, but his eyes shined every time he just looked around, which was just enough for me. Now, though, I wish I could’ve bought him a million of those…

Robin, I dare you to try that out! “What!? No!” I vehemently exclaimed, when he pointed at an incredibly tacky wardrobe in our favorite vintage mall to wear. Seeing him laugh so hard, though, my cheeks burned as I lightly slapped him to stop...Back then, I didn’t know how precious that one sound would be.

Robin...I need to tell you something. “What is it? Tell me,” I immediately answered, but to no avail. I guess I couldn’t reach out to him as well as I should have, as well as I wanted. It was over the phone anyways, when I was in that one damn church service...Even when I texted him later, though, like I did nearly 24/7, he never brought it up again, and instead piled up lots of superficial conversation topics in my inbox...Sure we had fun but...nothing will replace that...

Robin...I can trust you right? As soon as he asked me that, the brown orbs of his eyes gleaming from some unknown source of inner pain, I casually nodded and gave him a hug, not knowing how much that meant to him.

Robin...I'm going to miss you.

What do you mean oppa? I'm not going anywhere, and...neither are you, right?

...I guess...

“I guess...”

His weak answer reverberated inside my worn out head for the millionth time as my tears mingled with my blood-splattered shoes, the strong afternoon sun burning the shoulders sheltered by my black sweater dress. It's uncanny how even my clothes knew death was approaching; I didn’t even plan this attire while I rushed through the early morning, grabbing anything within reach...

At this time, I would please ask all students to proceed to an emergency evacuation. There has been a breaking, serious event that has just occurred, so if you would please exit in an orderly fashion...

The people bustling around me in confusion, some laughing, brushing it off as a joke...Others worried, for nothing like this has ever happened in the middle of the school day...And still, others grumpy because they couldn’t reach their locker or eat lunch properly...

As for me, I was just searching for Dae-Hyun oppa, who really was my only special friend here in this lonely school of CVHS. Having moved here as a transfer student from all the way on the other side of the world, but at the same time coming too late to be accepted into the close knit of F.O.B.’s, it was only Dae-ppa that filled up my leaking heart.

Ever since we met on that day he caught me eating alone and joined me, telling me that he was also alone but shrugging it off [as if it was so easy to], we’ve been inseparable.

Whether it was because of how broken we both were, how left out, how similar...

He loved soccer, and I loved to watch it. So, no matter what the condition, I always went to every single game and cheered the loudest I could even if other people would stare.

He loved to listen to rock or metal, so nearly every day I would try to scrap up any money I could to take him to a concert someday. Of course, I didn’t tell him this, since even if he was a bit scrawny and weak, he always scolded me for being way too underweight...

“Robin! Here, have my lunch; you’re too skinny for a girl you know that? Even the skinniest cheerleader won’t compete against you...”

“Stop worrying about me, Dae-ppa; you have enough going for you...”

“I know, but this isn’t about me, Robin Suh; it’s about you.”

“Not always, Dae-hyun oppa.”

Because secretly I knew that inside all of his somewhat baggy clothing and everyday skinny jeans, resided harsh bruises from unknown sources. I dared not acknowledge his painful secret to him right up front, but right when I made up my mind to, it was too late...

"Why didn’t you let me help you?" I croaked out, staying rooted in my spot even if the stupid security guards tried to pry me away from the fresh, bloody corpse that was Min Dae-hyun. My black sweater dress and raggedy old white tennis shoes were never fully clean anymore, but I never gave a crap as my hand trembled over his various bruises and cuts, some fresh, some not...Frantically digging through his pockets and looking into his wallet, I saw that all his money was gone too, along with the one photo he had of me and him...

Honestly, I had no idea how he managed to get up to the roof of the highest building of the school...Nor did I know what drove him to do it.

And most of all...Just how could he let me see?

How could he tell me that my efforts went to waste this much?

How could he reveal his innermost secrets now, in the face of his one love and many enemies...right when there’s nothing else anybody can do to help him anymore, even if they wanted to?

How could he give up without even trying?

“OPPA!” I screamed out, hot tears already sliding down my face as I saw his quick running figure come closer, closer, closer to the rim of the huge cement building –

“KYAHHHH!” girls around me shrieked, scattering away from the sight as he landed, as limp as an old rag doll thrown to the floor, to the pavement now freshly splashed with what once used to beat from his heart…

Everybody moved. Only I didn’t.

Everybody stayed away. Only I didn’t. Instead, I made sure that nobody did anything bad to him, and even scrambled myself up to the ambulance, despite the adults constantly pushing me back like a little kid.

Everybody murmured their condolences. I held his dead hand until the end.

Nobody bothered to read his will or check out his room for the last time, or shift through some memorable photos of the times before corruption stirred others to hurt his heart, before his body suffered other people’s stress, before he paid the price for other people’s foolishness and stupidity...

And before death became a welcoming soul to greet in his life.

But you know what?

Despite how hot it was, despite how in the end the adults won and I couldn’t be with him anymore, despite how I would draw upon pitiful stares and people would probably roll their eyes at me for being such a crybaby...

I was one of the few who cared.

I mean, it is nice that some people cared and were struck by a loner’s death, even if they didn’t know him.

But the school’s Queenkas and Kingkas made sure not to...My blood boiled just seeing Park Jiyeon, Lee Ji-Eun, Song Qian, Lee Kikwang, Lee Joon, Kim Jonghyun, and Kim HyunA all huddled in a group together, laughing, calling their friends, or sleeping under the sun during the evacuation drill without a care in the world.

Is this what he expected what would happen?

Or did he just painstakingly wish that, for once, more people could be like me?

That answer, I will never know...

Even if I attended his funeral with the rest of his family, all of them familiar to me due to the constant visits to Dae-hyun oppa’s house...

Even if their parents allowed me to help them clean up his room and occasionally get lost from the memories given off of each precious item...

It wasn’t until exactly a year later, when I got a perfect score on my S.A.T.’s and got a new Lexus Sedan from a rich, brand new relative...

...that I laid my hands upon his sad will, suddenly remembering everything as if it happened just yesterday, and drowning again from some returning, flaming hot tears…somehow, he was gone all over again.

Reading his slightly slanted handwriting over and over again on the old, yellow paper, most of it directed to his enemies, his words screaming out all the pain and torture and anger stuffed inside him…just how in the world did he put up such a happy front all the time...?

Was I really that untrustworthy?

Did he strive to make other people happy just to escape his own pain?

Or just to be accepted by anyone, since – as I found out a few weeks after the suicide – Kikwang and his stupid gang kept stealing his money, threatening to blackmail him, beat him up, used him to drag innocent unwilling girls into their dangerous love game, and more made him outcast from everyone else without any permission?

Or...Was that just a way to leave a trace upon me before he left, just like he planned – according to his will – more than three years ago?

I’ll never know.

I’ll never know anything about him anymore.

I’ll never know what he wanted to be, I’ll never be able to celebrate his first girlfriend, his marriage, his graduation, a job promotion, or even another birthday with him.

I’ll never be able to pray for him and his bruises, congratulate him for a victorious soccer game, go through being an all-nighter hosting our own personal concert, help each other study by talking and snacking on bars of chocolate...

Or even just looking at him and talking to him is impossible now, because some careless, y people thought it would be funny to lead their brother-in-Christ closer to death…and eventually right into their arms.

How filthy.

How despicable.

How shameful, and irreversible.

We knew each other for only a year and a half, yet it’s been a different life, this and now...

Now, I have more things than I used to, but he has nothing.

We used to have everything, or so I thought.

All our memories now are put drastically to a halt, when neither of us have ever intended it.

Someone’s carelessness can truly go a long way, hmm?

Now all I can see is...Fragments of your life, floating away, away into the bright, pale, but see-through blue sky, as for the thousandth time my eyes get blurry as my heart mourns for you over your grave, a location I promised to visit every day. My old little black sweater dress and white tennis shoes still have your blood on it, but I’ll never wash them off. At first I tried my best, but how could I do that to you? You were the best friend and oppa I ever had.

Nothing will ever replace that, even if a few people did take that away from me.

At least, though, they can’t take my memories of you away.

And even if they try, I will never let them do that.

‘Cause even if to the world you’re just another person...To another person you may be the world.

And in my case...That person is me.

...Was I that world for you too, oppa?

The answer...I will never know.

~*

My will – 2/9/12

Will anyone care reading this?

I already know Robin will care, and I already know that my parents will read it, but they have to, don’t they? Since they’re parents...

To Robin, I leave everything in your possession. No joke. You didn’t have to stay with me for as long as you did, and even if you did fall for my happy front, occasionally you did try to dig in deeper. I know I pushed you out and I know that in the end I did nothing but cause pain.

I’m so sorry...I just wasted your time, Suh Jae-hwa.

And I never got to hug you, hold your hand...Or even kiss you, as I occasionally dreamed of doing, if only to keep you by my side…

To mom and dad, I know you hate me, but long story short, it wasn’t your fault at all. Please believe me.

And...Kim Jonghyun? Lee Kikwang? Kim HyunA? Song Qian? Park Jiyeon? Lee Joon? Lee Ji-Eun? ...Are you guys really that despicable?

That insecure?

That desperate to feel overpowering over people?

Why me? Why in’ me?

Do you even care...?

Don’t you even care about anyone but yourselves!?

I know that people will see, ‘cause I will time it exactly right. I know that there will be news broadcasts, because this is the only high school of this town and it’s been tomb silent for so long. I know that you will see and hear about me dying, and hopefully you’ll see Robin crying, crying her heart out…it’s sad I have to hurt myself too to make a point about how much you tortured me and, through me, lots of other innocent people, but this is all your fault. Make sure to never forget that.

And of course, nothing will go to anyone like you, or just anyone in general. Just Robin, and just my parents.

I’ll miss you guys...You were the best.

Hopefully I’ll see all of you in the skies and clouds soon...

Robin, you said it was full of peace and tranquility there, right? Hopefully there’ll be free soccer games and all the music I want up there so that we can both be happy together up there...

Robin? Can you stay happy? Please?

And prosperous?

And have a great future? That’s all I ask…because for so long, you weren’t able to do anything because of me...right?

I’ll miss you, Robin Jae-hwa Suh, and mom, and dad...

I wish I didn’t have to resort to this, I really didn’t.

But…now, it seems the only way to make a point not only to me...But to everyone else around me.

Please make sure I’ll be remembered.

Sincerely,

Min Dae-hyun

2/9/12

~*

[A/N: First of all, thank you for reading this; it really enlightens me to know that people read through this and hopefully gained a slight insight into how terrible bullying can be...Even if neither you nor I even saw Drew Ferarro leaping off of the three-story building...Hopefully this can help you feel the anguish the CVHS falcons felt that afternoon, of February 10th, 2012...

If you want a more in-depth insight into Drew Ferarro’s death, look at this link and article; it covers most of what happened.

http://lacanadaflintridge.patch.com/articles/cv-high-student-reportedly-falls-to-death ]

R.I.P. Drew Ferarro...

You will always be remembered.