MyungSoo spinned around in his revolving chair and got up only to fall onto the bed. His (and Sungyeol’s) favourite game was of no fun at the moment as his head was full of the strangest thoughts. He keeps his hands under his head while he chews on his mouth, pondering.

Thoughts about SungYeol has refused to give him a break since yesterday. He sighs.

Yesterday.

SungYeol.

His best friend.

No, it must have been another of his lame jokes.

MyungSoo shifts on the bed - he didn’t sleep well last night. Actually, he didn’t sleep a wink.

But there was something in SungYeol’s face that told him that maybe it wasn’t a joke at all.

He shifts onto his back and bites on his fist thinking deeply.

SungYeol hasn’t contacted him since then. Is it still part of his joke? Or was that all for reals…??

.

.

.

It felt strange to get into the bath fully clothed.

The water wasn’t cold, it was just warm enough. It’ll get colder before he makes up his mind anyways so for the time being he won’t feel the uncomfortable cold.

A resigned smile appeared on his face as he thinks about his best friend.

MyungSoo.

I thought you knew me like the back of your hand.

You’ve always claimed to see through me, that I was like an open book for you…

Yet you weren’t able to sense the most important thing.

„Or maaybe you knew it perfectly well but just chose to ignore it”

He sighs deeply, and that made him uncomfortable because now, it takes no effort to breathe as opposed to how it’s going to be hard in a moment.

Will that hurt….?

You could have anyone you wanted. Why would you need me anyways? How would I even be so selfish to think I could have you for myself? A lanky, stupid, worth-for-nothing SungYeol who only knows how to play and have fun.

But there is one thing Sungyeol’s good at.

Being persistent.

Unfortunately for him, he tends to be selective in being persistent.

He lowered himself so that only his nose was inches above the surface of water and closed his eyes. He felt his chest expanding as if his body was instinctively getting ready.

His mouth closed, it was already hard to breathe.

It’s funny how the water had no smell at all.

Long fingers clench at the edges of the bath as if looking for strength. His muscles tense up as if begging him not to do what he’s about to. But it’s already been decided. He has no intention of spending the rest of his life next to MyungSoo after he had confessed and was rejected.

.

.

.

It was so sudden.

It actually startled him.

SungYeol knew him well, he could have noticed, he isn’t stupid at all, on the contrary, he’s more observant than MyungSoo and he can deduct and interpret people’s behaviour well.

MyungSoo’s mother always repeats that one can try and lie as much as they want to and that they can put on a show but their eyes cannot lie.

At one moment in time Sungyeol must have noticed that too. In Myungsoos’ eyes. If MyungSoo’s eyes cannot lie about trivial things, it’s just given that they gave him up when it came to such a big thing as love.

Knowing that MyungSoo would probably never find courage to take things into his hands, the tall man decided to take it upon himself to take the first step.

If MyungSoo really didn't have any clue about reading peoples's intentions well, then this time he big.

.

.

.

They were almost inseparable. They didn’t need words to communicate. It was as if they were connected in an unexplainable way. MyungSoo liked it, it was special. SungYeol is special. Did he develop a crush on him because he is special or is it the fact that he’s special that MyungSoo developed a crush on him? Or maybe it’s one and the same?

So what’s the possibility that your best friend who becomes your crush also falls for you??

Is it even possible?

SungYeol has always been a prankster, maybe he worked out MyungSoo’s feelings and wanted to take advantage of it?

But the way his face expression changed immediately after MyungSoo tells him to get out….But he was surprised, he had no idea what’s going on.

„Why are you such a coward” Myungsoo asks himself at one point

.

.

.

…56….57….58….

He’ll try and breathe in only when he won’t be able to hold his breath anymore.

59….60…

His eyes shut tightly, his heart pounding in fear for what’s about to come, because he knew he won’t be able to make it much longer; the amount of co2 in his blood was rising and that would soon call for a breath in.

And then it happens.

His nose stings as the liquid barges into the airway. It hurts because it shouldn’t get in there. The pain hits his skull - it feels as if his head is about to explode. He desperately wants to breathe it out, he needs to breathe it out but he’s out of breath so he swallows even more water as if that would be of any help. Maybe he should resurface and take just one little tiny breath for the last time?

No.

He’ll just drown without swallowing any more water by holding his breath.

But the need to breathe in is stronger. It makes him inhale even more water into his lungs.

The adrenaline hits his limbs to the point that his fingertips burn. His body struggles to move over the surface but his fingers only clench harder on the cold surface of the bath and he persistently pushes himself lower.

After all, he’s persistent, isn’t he?

He wants it to be over as the desire for air is getting insurmountable. He needs air. How wonderful it feels when you can freely fill up your lungs with life-giving oxygen – does he even remember the feeling?

It hurts.

But does it hurt more than Myungsoo’s reaction?

His lungs are burning, his head feels like it’s about to explode, fingers clenching on the bath turn white from the pressure on the acrylic edges but it’s ok, it’s ok, the pain will go away soon. It’s better to feel it for a moment now than to drown bit by bit every day because of an unrequited love.

He didn’t panic, he was calm, it was a conscious decision

.

There was a big clown jumping out of his wardrobe and startling him to death making him fall on the floor and cry. Next moment he was in a warm embrace of his mother’s and the clown takes off his nose to reveal his true identity of his father who’s all troubled, as if he couldn’t grasp the situation on how could his son not like the prank he had prepared for him. But next moment, the new shiny remote-controlled helicopter he got for a birthday present made him forget about the unpleasant surprise.

.

The girl with long hair was smiling at him. Her face was shining because of the tears.

He had a crush on her in junior high school and it was the day she and her parents were moving out – only three days after they went for their first date. The green car was getting smaller and smaller until it disappeared behind the horizon.

.

He jumps and scores three points for his college basketball team just before the final whistle. He wants to fly, his throat hurts from screaming, his body hurts from being confined in countless embraces of his teammates after he leads the savoury thunders to their first victory after eleven years.

.

So what if it’s a joke?

Be a man, MyungSoo! After you told him to off and pushed him out of the room you at least owe him an apology.

At the very least.

But the truth is, you should tell him how you really feel regardless of the fact whether SungYeol’s confession was a joke or not.

If it hadn’t been for your pessimism MyungSoo, now, you could be spending the evening with your crush – you’ve never been g…gay but the feeling towards him just grew naturally, if that was the case for you, why couldn’t it also be the same for Yeol?

If his confession was for real, and you still treated him like that, you should already be on your knees in front of his door and begging him to believe you when you say that you feel the same.

Would he believe it now?

.

.

He curses in the game room after he and his virtual partner lost their troops in the final battle. Somewhere deep in the dark room somebody curses and flips the keyboard which causes the staff to reprimand him.

„We’ve been building our position for months, you don’t understand”

„But that’s not the reason to ruin the public facility”

„I know but aaargh frickin-flipin-shoot”

And then Sungyeol's heart jumped and so did his body at the strange response he heard, so he immediately tried to pierce the darkness with his eyes.

„L? Is that you?”

There was only one person he knew who would say that, and the person was his gaming buddy whom neither he had seen before nor they spoke about their homtowns and he was sure L was from America.

„Who’s calling me at this dark hour of my life?” the voice asked from the darkness of the gaming room.

And SungYeol actually laughed because indeed it was dark in this room and their loss was making their life kind of dark too but in a metaphorical way.

„It’s me, OwlYeol”

„No , man”

Mybe they lost the game but they earned something much more beautiful at that time.

.

.

Then first party with MyungSoo, running away from the police, teaching him basketball because he wanted to impress some girl, joy rides at midnight after he got his driving licence, screaming from the top of the hill, holding his head while MyungSoo vomits his insides out because the girl was a , promising each other that they won’t date anyone without the other’s approval, MyungSoo performing his first real-flesh stitching on SungYeol who tried acting all cool even though it hurt like hell, all because MyungSoo was dead-scared while stitching the cut on SungYeol’s calf.

.

.

.

Myungsoo’s fighting with his thoughts as he’s standing in front of the door to his best freind’s flat (well, after yesterday he might have lost the best friend and the love of his life).

He’s about to enter the code but hesitantly curls his finger before it touches the cold surface of the intercom.

He has no idea how their meeting may end after he enters the flat.

SungYeol might tell him to leave him alone, he might not want to see him, what if he doesn’t want to see MyungSoo ever again?

He swallowed a thick lump forming in his throat.

Come on MyungSoo, you fricking coward. He encourages himself.

He takes one deep breath and enters the code.

„SungYeol?”

Nobody responded, but it’s understandable. He might be feeling down after what he heard from MyungSoo.

Or maybe he’s just playing with him.

Because…

Is MyungSoo even worth his feelings? SungYeol deserves much more, that’s why he couldn’t have believed it, why would sungyeol, that beautiful and warm person, a great friend and an amazing partner in everything MyungSoo does in life, want him, when he’s nothing special??

He pushes the door to SungYeol’s bedroom, but it’s empty.

He sighs. And closes the door.

The whole flat is dark, maybe he left to his hometown?

Then he heard the drop of water falling in the bathroom. Suddenly he remembers how SungYeol always complained about the leaking tap but never repaired it anyways. He always claimed to be moving out soon and that he’s  in the process of looking for a bigger place where they both could live together and turn their flat into a 24h party club.

MyungSoo cracks up a smile at the thought of SungYeol’s face whenever he said that. And sometimes he even followed and they planned what their life would look like if they lived together but MyungSoo’s always taken it with a pinch of salt, well, of course he wanted to live with SungYeol, but he was afraid that it might be too painful to see Sungyeol every day, to spend almost all time with him but it all would not be the exact way how he would dream to spend time with Sungyeol.

He turns to the bathroom to turn the tap so that it stops leaking, still thinking deeply and wondering where Sungyeol could be now.

Maybe he should call him.

He turns on the bathroom light and nearly gets a heart attack.

„SungYeol!”

The only thing that was louder than his desperate scream was the sound of his heart breaking into million pieces.

Next seconds felt like hours.

He jumped into the bath to grab the flabby body and pulled it up and out of the bath constantly calling SungYeol’s name. He was so shocked he didn’t have time to think about anything.

He slapped the white face a few times while dialling 911.

„SungYeol! What have I done!? What have I done, please you can’t leave me!”

How long has he been under water??

Myungsoo’s being given the instructions via the phone although he knows perfectly well what he should do.

Mouth-to-mouth respiration.

He looks at the bluish lips and everything inside him rages because this is not the ing way their lips should meet for the first time.

And it’s all his fault!

It’s all him and his damn awkwardness!

Why do people have to suffer because he doesn’t know how to behave or how to deal with his ing emotions!?

He blows the air into SungYeol’s mouth. It’s cold but fleshy and the structure feels just like he had imagined it thousand times.

„Dammit” his fist hits the floor tiles but there’s no time to waste.

With a prayer on his lips he performs the CPR; the chest pressing and the lip to lip again; small drops of sweat appear on his face but he’s not tired, he’s terrified – what if SungYeol won’t open his eyes…?
 

The flow of water spills from his larynx and SungYeol coughs and desperately fights for air then coughs again.

MyungSoo doesn’t grasp the whole situation, instinctively, he helps the other man to turn to the side to let the water come out of his mouth easier.

SungYeol hits his chest with a feeble arm, the painful expression on his face hurts MyungSoo so much. It’s all his fault.

He waits until SungYeol comes round and takes advantage of the moment to wipe the tears off his face.

„I’m sorry MyungSoo” he grunts in between coughing and breathing deeply. „Can we go back to what we were earlier?”

„You!” MyungSoo grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer. The fear that reflected in SungYeol’s eyes immediately made him leave the wet cloth which made SungYeol hit the floor again.

„And how do you imagine that?!Look, I know you tend to be a dreamer but honestly, this time, even you yourself  don't believe it, admit you better admit it!"

„MyungSoo” SungYeol pushed himself up to rest on his arms but failed „I will make it up, nothing is going to change, I promise, let’s just forget about what I said yesterday, please, we’re good, aren’t we? Come on” he coughed some more and his back, his eyes closed.

„A moment ago you wanted to kill yourself because of what you said …and probably my reaction added to your idiotic decision… hey do you really want to live like that? Look at yourself”

„I can make it-„

„Just look at yourself! Who are you trying to fool? One moment you almost took your life away because of it and now you’re trying to tell me that you’re going to make it! Due to what miracle, you ?!”

„What do you want me to say?” The colour was slowly returning to Sungyeol’s face. „Do you think I asked for it? Do you think I took all nighters to plot how to develop a crush on you?!”

A crush on you.

A crush on you.

A crush on you.

It roamed in MyungSoo’s head for a moment and then something exploded in his stomach and the wave of heat hit his face.

The sight of SungYeol being obviously embarrassed but trying with all his might to cover it up (he could try! He could try with other people but not with MyungSoo who knew him like the back of his hand). The sight of wet strands on SungYeol’s flushed face made MyungSoo’s stomach flip.

The silence in which MyungSoo was admiring Sungyeol seemed so long now.

„Well, that sounds just like you” MyungSoo laughed.

„Yay! After a gazillion years MyungSoo was able to come up with a riposte!”

„You will come today, too” the bluntness of his own words surprised him no less than Sungyeol.