The audition is the easiest thing to go through, compared to everything that comes next.

Jongwoon isn’t even remotely prepared to sing in front of an entire panel of talent recruiters.

It was his mom’s idea, of course. She has lured him in with a big lie: she knew he would’ve found her plan absolutely ridiculous and would’ve said no straight away. She said she was going to Seoul to meet some friends, and had asked him to accompany her. There was no reason for him not to go, since it was the weekend and he had no school.

Thinking back to it, Jongwoon realized only a naïve guy like him would believe there was nothing weird behind that sudden invitation. Truth be told, even if he knew from the start where his mother wanted to take him, he would’ve been unable to say no to her.

He just can’t deny anything to his mother.

When he enters the building of SM entertainment, he obediently gets in line for the audition. His mother is waiting in the hall; she has bid him good luck with hopeful eyes and a comforting smile. He’s sure he’s not going to make it. Still, he gives his best and sings his heart out, just for her.

A few weeks later, he receives a phone call from a bored male voice. The guy tells him he’s been chosen to become a trainee with a few other dozens people, among thousands of candidates. It’s when he puts the phone down that he’s gripped by a fear he has never felt before.

~ ~ ~

Everything turns out to be just so bloody exhausting and fear-inducing. The whole process of being screened by coaches, having to meet teachers, producers and choreographers every single day. And the training: hours of dance and music lessons and practice, all day every day after he’s finished with school.

He travels back and forth from his hometown to attend training and comes home past dinner time, the soup gone cold on the kitchen table and his homework still untouched.

He doesn’t get to know the other trainees much. There’s always tension between them and they don’t care to waste their time with useless talk. All they do is exchange awkward smiles at most. A few groups start forming, yet Jongwoon is in none of them. He doesn’t see the point in pretending to make friends with people he’s competing against.

Some of the trainees are around his age, but the rest are younger. It makes him feel out of place. He feels a pressure, like an invisible clock ticking fast behind his ears, always reminding him he has little time to prove he’s worthy of debuting.

~ ~ ~

Jongwoon is intimidated by the other trainees. He can see something he doesn’t have in each one of them. He sees a lot of self-confidence in Heechul. He envies the boundless intelligence and humour in Donghee. He sees amazing dancing skills and charisma in Hyukjae, and he wishes he could borrow some, because his feet seem to not respond to his mental instructions most of the times, and every choreo is so ridiculously hard to learn.

But the person he fears the most is Siwon. He’s tall, built and incredibly handsome for any beauty standard. He’s well-off, highly educated, elegant and mannered. And Jongwoon feels like he’s neither of those, and he’s supposed to just hate the guy for it.

Still, when Siwon’s eyes randomly meet with his, the taller boy always smiles at him widely and Jongwoon doesn’t know what to do.

~ ~ ~

Jongwoon is trying to follow the choreography and reproduce each movement properly because damn it if they haven’t been doing this for the past two hours, and he just wants to get over with it.

His eyes are flipping back and forth from the dance teacher to his own reflection in the mirror to check if he’s doing well. He doesn’t want to be scolded again for moving to the wrong direction.

He doesn’t even realize it when he places his foot on a damp spot on the floor – someone has been laying down there during the break, recklessly leaving a huge puddle of sweat on the wooden tiles – and a second later he’s falling backwards.

The loud thump his head makes with the floor warns everyone as they turn around, and Jongwoon sees black for a few seconds.

“Jongwoon-ssi? Jongwoon-ssi!”

Someone is softly patting his cheeks as he hears his name and slowly opens his eyes, drifting back into consciousness.

He’s expecting to see his dance teacher in front of him, but a young, innocent face fills his entire view. Choi Siwon is studying him intently, his brows furrowed in a worried expression as he asks “Are you alright?”. Jongwoon’s head hurts, and he doesn’t find the strength to reply immediately, so he just moves his head around.

He can hear the whispers from the other trainees, the looks of pity and scorn boring into his skin. I’m wasting their time, I should leave this place at once and never come back.

He tries not to look, but Siwon is still staring at him, and he’s so close. Jongwoon can’t breathe properly. A booming voice comes from his left, “Jongwoon-ah, you alright? Are you hurt?”

Jongwoon awkwardly raises his head and looks at the dance coach. The lights on the ceiling are way too bright and he cannot keep his eyes open.

“I’m ok, teacher. I’m so sorry I- I think I stepped on wet floor…” I didn’t mean it, I messed up again, I am trying, I really am. He tries to stand up but a stabbing pain on the back of his head makes him flinch visibly.

"Teacher, I think he might be slightly concussed. Maybe he should get checked." Siwon says, a note of concern in his voice.

"I'm fine, just give me a minute-" Jongwoon is about to try and stand up again, and he doesn't expect Siwon to grab his arm and swing it on his shoulders. He’s frozen in place but Siwon doesn’t notice; he’s so focused on helping him up, his masculine features a mixture of worry and determination.

"Jongwoon-ah, go home. You're done for today. We'll rehearse the choreo again tomorrow. Siwon, help him out, will you?" the teacher orders.

Siwon nods, bows politely and helps Jongwoon walk out of the dance room, his arm still holding him on the back. He lets Jongwoon sit on a bench right outside the practice room and starts checking the back of his head.

"Wh-what are you doing? … ow!" Jongwoon says as Siwon prods at his head with long fingers.

"I knew you hurt your head. I'm sure it's just a scratch, but I can take you to the sickroom if you want." he shows his hand to Jongwoon and there's a tiny spot of blood on the tip of his index finger.

Jongwoon explores his scalp until he finds a damp spot which hurts to the touch. He really doesn't like the sight of blood so he just stares at his feet as he shakes his head.

"I'm fine, don't worry. I'll just put some ice on it when I get home. I can go alone from here." he doesn't dare to look at Siwon in the face as he stands up clumsily, but Siwon is adamant and places a hand on his shoulder.

"I don’t think that’s a good idea. Let me take you home at least. Where do you live?" he says in a firm tone.

"Um. Cheonan…" Jongwoon looks up just in time to see Siwon form an o-shape with his mouth.

"Cheonan? You travel here all the way from Cheonan?" Siwon sounds just as shocked as he looks.

"Well...you get used to it after a while."

"Ok, I'll walk with you to the bus stop then!" Siwon's tone is sure and his smile is just so genuine that Jongwoon simply cannot bring himself to say no. He just nods weakly and they are soon walking outside.

The walk to the bus stop is silent. Jongwoon realizes it’s the first time he actually does anything with another trainee. He’s supposed to keep a distance with them. They’re all against each other, in a sense.

Only one out of a hundred will make it into debut. That’s what they were told. Why put effort into making friends with the other trainees, when one day any of them could go in while he’s kicked out? It’s just a waste of time.

Whenever he turns around, Siwon looks at him and smiles like it’s the most normal thing to do.  Jongwoon feels bad for having such heartless thoughts.

Why is he being so nice to me?

Jongwoon smiles back lamely. Suddenly it’s not easy to breathe and he cannot wait to finally be alone because he doesn’t know what to do. After a couple of minutes, they reach the bus stop but Siwon doesn’t plan to go anywhere until Jongwoon’s ride has arrived.

Siwon stands there in the cold next to him, like they’ve been friends since forever, and Jongwoon feels like he has to say something or he will regret it later.

“Um. Thank you so much for…this.” he says, fumbling with his hands.

“Don’t mention it! I couldn’t leave you alone after you hit your head. You must be really tired.”

“I’m too clumsy for my own good, actually. I slipped on a big stain of sweat on the floor. I blame that Changmin guy… he always sweats so much during practice, and he prances around wearing almost nothing.” Jongwoon tries to joke around and he’s surprised to see Siwon’s amused reaction. The young boy giggles and a myriad of dimples appear on his face all at once.

"I know him," Siwon replies, "I shall tell him he owes you a drink to make up for that cut on your head!" Siwon says with a chuckle, and Jongwoon laughs back.

The bus arrives just then and Jongwoon makes his way to get in line.

“Bye!” he says and he’s still smiling.

Siwon waves at him and he doesn’t take his eyes off Jongwoon until he’s seated on the bus.

The next day, everything resumes normally and Jongwoon tries his best to pretend nothing happened.  He has singing lessons first: those are his favourites, that’s what he’s there for. He’s always the first to arrive and the last to leave.

Two hours pass in the blink of an eye and he has to attend dance practice. He spots Siwon on the other side of the room; their eyes meet for a moment. Siwon waves at him just a few seconds before the music starts, signalling them to take their position.

After two more exhausting hours of dancing, Jongwoon is ready to retrieve his backpack and leave, when he hears a voice behind him.

“How are you feeling today?” Siwon is studying him intently, his eyes staring at the top of his head.

“I’m alright… I forgot I had a bruise on my head until I washed my hair this morning. That was painful.”

Siwon is laughing and Jongwoon is mesmerized once again by his dimples. How many does he have?

Siwon’s expression suddenly turns serious. “I should apologize, Jongwoon-ssi. But I don’t remember ever introducing myself. I’m Siwon.”

“Ah that’s ok. Actually, I think I know the names of almost every other trainee here, even if we never introduced to each other.”

“You must have a really good memory! I don’t recall everyone’s names. But I saw you at music lessons often and I also heard about you. Youngjin sunbaenim often calls you to demonstrate during singing lessons. You’re training to become a singer, right? You have a really good voice.”

“I’m afraid you mistook me for someone else then.” Jongwoon doesn’t mean to say it so bitterly, but that’s how it comes out.

“Oh. You didn’t happen to sing a cover of Kangta’s Polaris at practice lately, did you?” Siwon looks confused.

“I- I did…” Jongwoon was assigned that song to practice a couple of weeks earlier.

“See?” Siwon’s sporting a satisfied smile. “Oh. I-I swear I wasn’t stalking you. I just happened to walk by the vocal practice room that day.” He chuckles softly to hide his embarrassment, then stops to think before speaking again. “Your voice is truly impressive, Jongwoon-ssi! I hope you become a successful singer.” His eyes are soft as he speaks.

Jongwoon feels like he’s just been slapped in the face. He never received such a praise from someone who wasn’t his mother. Even when he goes to singing lessons and doesn’t miss a single note, his vocal coaches nod at him in approval, at most.

“You can call me hyung.” he suddenly blurts out. But see, we cannot be friends.

Siwon grins and bows his head a little. “I will see you around tomorrow then, hyung!” he says in a happy tone before leaving.

For the first time in weeks, Jongwoon heads home with a genuine smile plastered on his face.

~ ~ ~

Jongwoon and Siwon start to chat and spend their breaks together whenever they can. Jongwoon learns that Siwon is mainly training to become an actor, and that’s why he often doesn’t show up at dance or singing practice. Yet, the company has many things in store for him, so he attends all the classes he can.

Siwon is always the first to approach him, though. Not only Jongwoon is too awkward, but a tiny voice at the back of his brain keeps telling him he shouldn’t talk to anyone. Especially Choi Siwon, the most handsome trainee in SM, who will most likely succeed and take your place in the next boygroup to debut, because he has everything you will never have.

Still, something in Jongwoon’s chest tells him he deserves a good company. Siwon always smiles at him and Jongwoon is becoming addicted to it.

~ ~ ~

Some days are just way worse than others. Jongwoon really tries to do everything he’s told without causing trouble. But no matter how much he practises, dance classes are always so hard for him. At one point he just gives up trying to follow the rhythm and ends up messing too many movements at once. He just hopes that his sloppy performance doesn’t get too much attention.

When practice is over though, he realizes he has been watched the whole time.

“Kim Jongwoon, come here.” The dance coach instructs him in a flat tone. Jongwoon automatically drags his tired feet towards his senior while most of the other trainees are leaving the room.

“What do you want to do with your life?”

Jongwoon looks at the dance teacher in disbelief.

“I-“

“I’ll tell you what I see.”, the coach interrupts him. “I see a kid who thinks he’s here just to be told how good he is at singing. You may have entered this company as a trainee, but you have to earn your place. Let me tell you: aside from singing, you’re not left with much. You have a lot to work on. Get it in your thick head, Kim Jongwoon.”

The words sting and make Jongwoon’s skin prickle. He cannot bear to look at the teacher in the eyes, so he just resorts to keeping his stare fixed on the tip of his feet.

“Don’t think you will debut as a solo singer, because you don’t have it in you. You’re just the average boy with a pretty good voice. You’ll do just fine in a group, that’s it. So stop slacking and wasting my time here. Alright?” says the dance coach, and his annoyance is so tangible it just weighs on Jongwoon’s shoulders.

Jongwoon barely has the strength to reply with a feeble “Yes, teacher. I am sorry.”

He bows and when he turns to leave he realizes a few trainees are still in the room and have been listening to the coach’s rant. It’s embarrassing enough to make him bolt for the door without looking at anyone.

Someone calls him on the corridor.

“Hey, hyung!” Siwon is outside and looks like he has been waiting for him.

“Not now, Siwon-ah.” he grunts, and he just takes huge leaps so he can get out of there as soon as possible and go straight home.

Almost two hours later, Jongwoon is home and he gives a random excuse to his mom about not feeling too well so he can skip dinner. He can’t stand to answer her questions about training; he can’t stand her hopeful smiles either.

That night, Jongwoon stares at the ceiling and repeats the teacher’s words in his head and convinces himself it’s the bare truth.

~ ~ ~

It’s easy to give up and convince oneself that something is impossible. Jongwoon is so ready to do it. To just say it all, leave training, finish school like a normal guy, enlist to the military and hopefully find a mediocre job somewhere.

But he can’t do it. Not when his mom puts a box wrapped in cheap striped paper in his hands, and says it’s an early birthday gift.

“It’s a new model! The man from the shop promised me the sound is so much better.” she says in a trilling voice, and her smile reaches her eyes as Jongwoon looks at her with a puzzled expression.

He opens the box and finds a cassette player inside. His father confiscated the one he had a few months ago, saying that music was “distracting him from studying”. It was technically true, but music was Jongwoon’s only distraction, and his mom knew why.

He can’t give up now.

~ ~ ~

Jongwoon has been avoiding Siwon for two full weeks. He always finds him waiting for him outside of the training hall, but he’s been making up dumb excuses to leave immediately and evade his company. He just feels inadequate and out of place all the time. Even his singing lessons have become dull, as he keeps repeating the dance coach’s words in his head, acrid and sharp. He doesn’t want to contaminate Siwon with his negativity and foul mood.

He decides he needs to put a stop to his petty behaviour after receiving his mom's gift. It’s the sudden realization he needs to work hard to get what he wants, or he will be a quitter all his life.

There’s still a lingering thought at the back of his mind, the idea he’s never going to be enough, that he wasn’t born with the right skills and looks. That no matter how much he succeeds, there will always be tons of people better than him.

Siwon still looks for him among the crowd, but there’s uncertainty in his eyes when he finds him at the other end of the corridor. He turns his body towards him as if he wants to walk to him, but he stays where he is, his feet fidgetingc. Jongwoon wants to punch himself in the face, because he understands he’s hurt Siwon and made him think he doesn’t want his company anymore.

He hardly registers the movement of his own legs; he’s running to him, never breaking eye contact. He stops right in front of him and crouches down for a few seconds, his hands on his knees and his breath coming out in quick pants. He’s been to dance practice for two hours and he suddenly feels so tired, but he cannot avoid him any longer.

Siwon is looking at him with a soft smile which quickly gives space to a worried expression.

“Hyung, are you alright? You’ve been unwell too often as of late…” Siwon breaks the silence.

Jongwoon lifts up after regaining his breath. He takes note of Siwon’s furrowed brows and soft stare, and he hates himself for treating him with such indifference for the past days.

“I’m ok Siwon, just very tired. It’s been so busy lately. I’m so sorry I wasn’t around much.” Please don’t hate me. Please.

Siwon looks at him intently for what feels like a lifetime. Jongwoon is ready to get scolded or see him turn his back and leave for good, when Siwon suddenly cracks one of his huge, dimpled smiles and pats his shoulder.

“Don’t worry, hyung. I understand. Just don’t make me worry anymore… promise me?” he places his arm on Jongwoon’s shoulders as he speaks, and turns them both towards the exit.

Jongwoon looks up and stares at his face as they start walking. He doesn’t realize he’s mirroring Siwon’s smile as he says “I won't. Perhaps...are you up for some spicy rice cakes before I take the bus? My treat.”

He’s so afraid Siwon might reject him, even though Siwon has proved to want and seek his company many times.

“I’d love that, hyung! Besides, we can talk more. Actually, you can talk, I’ll do the eating.” he cracks a cheeky grin and Jongwoon can’t stop the ungraceful cackle coming from his throat.

“I’ve missed you.” the words slip out of Jongwoon’s mouth on their own accord and he wishes he could eat them back into his mouth. He wants to crawl in a hole in the ground, why did I even say that? He quickly looks up at Siwon and is ready to be embarrassed and avert his eyes.

But Siwon simply blushes a pretty shade of red, stares at the ground for a second, then looks back at him with a gentle smile.

“I missed you too, hyung.” he replies, and Jongwoon feels as light as a feather.

They talk a lot while they’re walking among the street food stands, and keep chatting even with their mouths full of hot, comforting food. They update each other about their practice lessons, about their future schedules, and Jongwoon feels normal and in his place for once.

Siwon always looks at him in the eyes when he’s talking. He gives him advice with a serious look, and a minute later he’s cracking a joke and laughing with him while they make fun of the substitute vocal coach from last week. He always looks at him with a sincerity he has rarely seen before, as if they’ve known each other for a lifetime.

If I have to suffer through training, I might as well have a friend next to me.

~ ~ ~

Every month unfolds before Jongwoon with new surprises, both great and awful. Once he realizes he needs to study, sing and dance until his head hurts, until he cannot feel his legs anymore, to get what he wants, everything has a purpose.

Some days are harder to withstand. Every six months, all trainees receive an assessment and some are given a last warning to improve their grades, unless they want to be kicked out by the end of the year.  Everyone’s mood is made sour before the end of the training year.

The months pass, but the coaches never tell Jongwoon anything about what’s in store for him in the future. He knows training can take up years, but he expects to be given some hope to debut, at least after the third year of training.

What’s really unbearable is the resigned look on his father’s face when he asks how things are going, and Jongwoon doesn’t know how to answer. The hopeful smile his mother puts up for him when he returns home every night, sweaty and exhausted, black circles turning bigger under his eyes. Yet, his parents never complain about their twelve-hour shifts at work, even if they’re getting too old for that. They never miss a day of work, even when they’re sick.

An actual glint of hope arrives when he’s grouped with other trainees for a project. They’re told they might debut soon, if they prove they can master singing, dancing and being on stage. To Jongwoon’s great surprise, Siwon is in the same group, and it’s comforting to have him there, even though Siwon looks more tired than ever, as he’s been taking up small acting parts to pursue an individual career.

Jongwoon slowly starts getting to know the other trainees, and becomes close to some of them in particular - especially Kangin, another tall, good-looking guy with an extrovert personality, scouted by SM because of his pretty face.  Siwon is still the person he clings to the most, even when they’re so absorbed in their work they barely have time to talk.

~ ~ ~

After five years, they debut as Super Junior 05. Jongwoon can’t believe it’s happening. He’s been given an idol name, Yesung. It sounds so weird to his ears, but it gives him a little sense of pride to be labelled like that and have everyone recognize his singing talent. The producers and composers gave him enough recognition for his vocal ability and even assigned most of the adlibs in the debut album to him. He still needs to get accustomed to the little sense of pride swelling inside his chest.

But everything crumbles after their TV debut. At home, in front of the TV screen, he watches the performance for the first time and realizes the cameras haven’t zoomed on him once, not even while he was singing his parts. He can barely hear his mom’s voice behind him, “Where are you, Jongwoon-ah? I can’t see you…” she asks with a small, questioning tone.

He hardly manages to hide the tears pooling in his eyes as he gets up and storms to his room. He cries himself to sleep that night.

~ ~ ~

The schedule is packed during their debut month, and Jongwoon diligently goes through every TV show, every radio interview and photoshoot, but he sees how things are turning, as most of the attention is directed towards other members, the handsome ones, the outgoing ones, the funny ones.

He desperately wants to blend in, but he doesn’t know how to be like them. He just wants to be accepted but the public doesn’t really care whether he’s an outstanding singer or not.

His younger fellow Ryeowook seems to share the same issue, his shy and small figure always hiding behind everyone else. They exchange understanding looks with one another while the interviewer of the TV show they’re at flirts with Siwon and he cracks one of his blinding smiles while a gentle blush spreads on his face.

Jongwoon has moved into the dorm together with the other members, but he’s been avoiding everyone lately. He hasn’t talked to Siwon much since their debut, but he fears it might not matter anymore, now that the latter has gained the recognition he worked for.

He’s always surrounded by so many people but he’s rarely felt so lonely.

~ ~ ~

He’s listening to his favorite Boyz II Men song in the tiny room he shares with Ryeowook, when he hears a muffled knocking sound over his headphones. He gets up to open the door and, surprisingly, he finds Siwon behind it. Siwon usually doesn’t sleep in the dorm with them, but only stops by from time to time. He’s wearing an apologetic look on his face which leaves Jongwoon confused.

“Hyung, how are you?” Siwon asks, his voice just above a whisper.

“I’m fine. What are you doing here?” Jongwoon asks quickly. He wonders if the other members have planned a group dinner he wasn’t informed of.

“I wanted to check on you. You seem a bit off lately…” Siwon says while checking the room behind Jongwoon. When he understands Ryeowook isn’t there, he continues. “Hyung, did something happen? You know you can tell me.”

Jongwoon stares at Siwon’s face but he finds it hard to speak. “No. Nothing happened, why?” is all he can blurt out, a slightly annoyed tone in his voice.

Siwon frowns imperceptibly. “Hyung, you don’t have to lie to me. You’ve been avoiding me for weeks. Did I do something wrong? Why won’t you talk to me anymore?”

“What is there to talk about??” Jongwoon is raising his voice, but he doesn’t care. “Nothing happened, and that’s the problem! I’m still the delusional boy I was when I entered this bloody company, and just when I thought things were getting better for me, they treat me like I don’t even exist in the damn group, that’s what happened!!” he shouts. His hands are trembling.

Siwon is looking at him in disbelief, not uttering a word, so he continues. “All I wanted was to have a place to be. I was given one in this stupid group, but people don’t even know my name! Do you think I haven’t noticed how they always put me in the back? How fans never scream for me when we perform.”, Siwon is looking down, and it makes Jongwoon even angrier.

“You don’t understand, do you. You’re always at the centre of attention. You’re handsome, you’re talented and you have everything you need. I have nothing.” Jongwoon splutters. His own words are making him physically sick, their harshness shaking his body as he utters them loudly. He’d normally hate himself for being so hateful.

“Hyung, it’s not like this… you speak too lowly of yourself.” Siwon tries to interrupt him.

“I don’t need your pity, Siwon. I know who I am.” Jongwoon spits back.

“I don’t think you do. Hyung, listen. I admire you so much.” Siwon says softly, and he reaches out to grab Jongwoon’s arms.

Jongwoon moves to turn away, he’s about to cry and he doesn’t want to embarrass himself any further.

But Siwon isn’t having it, and he grips his forearms tight. “Listen to me. You’re so talented, don’t you see? You can do everything the other members do, and more. You sing beautifully, you can dance just fine, even if you hate it more than anything else in the world. And you make us laugh all the time, but you’re too shy on camera to show it. You always take care of us, just like Leeteuk hyung. That week when you were sick with the flu, we were lost without you, you know that? We were rehearsing the songs and we kept messing up and pissing our manager off, it was a disaster. Hyukjae was so frustrated he wanted to call you and tell you to come here to lead. Hyung, please look at me.” Siwon pleads.

Siwon shakes Jongwoon’s arms softly, and stares into his face. “You’re the main vocal of the group. Our songs wouldn’t be the same without you. Every issue you’re having, you can overcome it. And I’ll be here with you.”

Jongwoon fails to hold his tears as he looks up at Siwon. He can only nod in acceptance. He’s still trying to let the words sink in. He finds it so hard to love himself, but Siwon wants him to.

“Hyung, please promise me you’ll come to me if you need help. We’re here for each other, remember? We’ve gone through all these training years, we can do everything. And the other members care for you. They won’t tell you, but they truly do. They’re just scared of your bad temper.” Siwon continues, a low chuckle accompanying his last words.

His right hand comes up to wipe a big tear rolling on Jongwoon’s cheek, before closing his arms around him in a soothing hug.

Jongwoon leans into Siwon’s solid figure, a choked sob shaking out of him. It’s not the first time Siwon has praised him with sincerity and admiration in his words. Jongwoon’s insecurity makes him shy away from similar comments, but he knows he can always trust the man in front of him.

“I’m sorry… for what I said. I didn’t mean it. I just envy you, but I know you also had it tough. I’m sorry I ran away.” is all he can come up with, his head still on Siwon’s shoulder.

Siwon’s firm hands slip from Jongwoon’s back and grip his shoulders, moving him back to look at him in the face. His eyes are filled with affection and understanding. “There’s nothing to be sorry for, hyung. Just promise me from now on, we’ll be in this together.”

Jongwoon gives him a shy smile and finally nods.

“I promise.”

~ ~ ~

Becoming a successful idol wasn’t easy. Not even a year after debut. Not after the group had gone through line-up changes, sudden enlistments, and after surpassing the so much dreaded five-year disbandment curse. But Jongwoon worked hard and all his tears, all his sweat was repaid, slowly but surely.

There was nothing more rewarding than seeing his family live happily thanks to his efforts. Daesangs and tv show rewards were huge accomplishments, but the true gift was receiving love from fans and being appreciated and respected by people.

Five years after debut, he’s finally standing on stage to sing his first solo song. An OST ballad for a famous tv drama.

The digital song release was a huge success. The feelings of pride and accomplishment are filling up his chest and he fears he might explode. The members are standing on the side of the stage, cheering for him and holding paper cheering fans with his face printed on them, mimicking their actual fans.

When he starts singing the chorus, he hears the fans’ unstable voices slowly raising to sing together, their hands gently waving the blue lightsticks in sync with the notes. He’s surprised to hear their shy chants; he can hear the tone-deaf voices over the rest, and his years of vocal training make him want to laugh, but that would be rude so he just smiles wider. He can get used to the feeling.

All the disappointment and sadness in his life is suddenly smothered by this moment, like a fine layer of soft white snow covering the road.

When the song is over, he bows to the crowd and reluctantly leaves the stage. The first person he meets backstage is Siwon, and he can’t be more grateful. He still hasn’t changed from his performance clothes from before, his black leather trousers and mesh shirt clinging to his skin with a fine layer of sweat. His eyes are glinting with something Jongwoon cannot decipher.

There is no need for words, as the two stare at each other and a smile starts forming on both faces. Siwon grabs Jongwoon in a tight embrace and holds him there for a long time.

Jongwoon wraps his small arms around him and he can’t suppress a few sobs, feelings of anxiety, fear and tiredness finally leaving his body.

His tears soak through Siwon’s shirt as the taller man pats his back softly. Only this time, these are tears of joy.