i f  o n l y  y o u  k n e w ; 

SLAM.

The coffee table flips over. Vases break, empty soju bottles shatter, and even the ornaments lining the fireplace aren’t spared. There’s almost nothing in the living room left untouched, evident by the amount of glass shards scattered across the marble floor. It’s a ruinous mess, and what’s funny is that Hyukjae isn’t even half-done ravaging the place. It’s not an everyday occurrence, y’know, for Hyukjae to be acting this way. It almost never happens at all. On a typical day, Hyukjae is a soft, sweet man who looks out for others and strives to make the ones he loves happy. He’s cheeky, and often spends his time teasing his friends and family—he’s basically the life of the party, the mood-maker, and a source of merriment and laughter. His friends and family describe him as someone who is gentle, patient and kind. They’re not wrong, of course. You can see it in his eyes and the way he goes about being himself. He has always been someone who remains true to himself, never trying hard to fit in or be like someone else, and that’s something everyone loves about him.

However, today is not your typical day. Today, Hyukjae is livid.

“Mother, ing, LEE DONGHAE!” Hyukjae yells vehemently as he flings a remote control straight into the screen of his plasma TV with all his might, causing a crack to ripple outwards from its center. It’s not like he cares though. In fact, he could turn the whole house upside down in a fit of anger and still be too enraged to give a . Hyukjae continues to destroy everything within his line of sight, flipping the couch over, throwing the house phone across the room and what not. He’s never been this angry before, but now that the beast has been unleashed, he finds it too difficult for him to get his together.

“I hate you, I hate you, I ing HATE you, Lee Donghae!”

Hyukjae walks over to his bedroom, pushing miscellaneous items off the surface of his desk. He hurls all the photo frames on his shelf at the windowpane before turning to the dressing mirror next to the closet, glancing at the man who is staring back at him. He scrutinises his features; his eyes are red and puffy from all the crying, his flushed cheeks are stained with streaks of tears and his hair is a complete mess from ruffling it out of fury. Simply said, he looks like absolute , which is befitting because that’s exactly how he’s feeling: like absolute ing . Hyukjae balls his right fist, pulls it back and punches the mirror square in the center, screaming at the top of his lungs. The mirror shatters and scatters around his feet. His knuckles are white and bleeding, but he can barely feel them, falling to his knees miserably as the tears continue to flow.

Just then, he hears the sound of the front door’s keypad lock being punched. The familiar ding of the lock follows, echoing throughout the hallway and not long after, he hears the shuffling of shoes, a brief silence, and then a loud gasp. Hyukjae balls his hands into fists and angrily wipes away his tears, mentally preparing himself before stepping out of his bedroom, trying his hardest to calm down.

But what he sees throws him into a fit of rage more than he was in before.

“Get the out of my house, Lee Donghae.”

Donghae gulps, darting his eyes all over the room. To say he’s shocked at the state of the house would be an absolute understatement. His heart races at the sight of the living room, and he briefly wonders what made his best friend act like this, not that he's oblivious. He knows. He quickly returns his attention to Hyukjae, glancing at him from head to toe nervously. He notices that Hyukjae’s hands are bleeding and that a mixture of blood and tears marks his cheeks, but he dares not comment. Instead, he stares back at Hyukjae with eyes twice their size, trembling.

“H-hyukjae—”

“Are you deaf?” Hyukjae interjected. “I told you to get the out of my house.”

Donghae shakes his head, willing himself to take a step forward.

“I’m not leaving.” He says firmly, taking another step towards Hyukjae.

Hyukjae presses a hand against his head, massaging his temples.

“Please, Donghae, please! Just leave me alone! Let me have this! Just let me get rid of all the ed up I’m feeling inside! Please!”

“No, I’m not leaving. The house is a hole, you’re injured, and you’re like this because of me. I’m staying with you—”

Hyukjae laughs. The corners of his lips are pulled wide-open, revealing two rows of teeth and gums. This is the smile that tugs at Donghae’s heart, the one he finds endearing, the one that reminds him of how much he adores his best friend. But this smile… This smile, paired with that hysterical laughter right now, is a ghost of what makes his heart swell. They’re hollow, almost void of emotion, except Donghae knows what fuels them. Anger. Hatred. It’s all because of him.

“Oh, amazing, you know you’re at fault,” Hyukjae laughs again, ironically, clapping his hands as if to applaud Donghae for his discovery. “Wonderful, isn’t it? To hurt your, what do you call it, ‘best friend’ like this. You love it, don’t you?”

Donghae exhales deeply, frowning. “Hyukjae, stop it. Please stop it, I’m begging you.”

“Why should I?” Hyukjae asks, forcing himself to smirk. “You wanted to hurt me, didn’t you? Well guess what? Mission accomplished, Lee ing Donghae. Now get out of my face before I ing kill you.”

“Hyukjae,” Donghae calls out, his voice beginning to quiver. He stares at the floor and blinks back tears before looking at Hyukjae. “Please don’t do this to me, Hyuk. You’re overreacting. You know it.”

“I’M NOT OVERREACTING!” Hyukjae lashes out, shouting through gritted teeth. “How dare you ing say I’m overreacting, Lee Donghae. Why don’t you try being in my shoes, huh Donghae? Why don’t you be the one to have your heart torn like this? WHY DON’T YOU?”

Donghae steps forward gingerly, once, twice, thrice until he’s face-to-face with his best friend. He raises his hands and runs his fingers along his jawline, swallowing as tears threaten to spill over his lower lids. He rubs his thumbs over Hyukjae’s bloodstained cheeks and begins to cry silently. Hyukjae doesn’t flinch; he doesn’t move at all. He stares straight through Donghae, like he’s an apparition, like he isn’t actually there.

“Don’t believe what people tell you, Hyukjae,” Donghae says softly, trembling. “Don’t believe what people tell you about me unless it comes from me.”

Hyukjae chuckles, smiling. “How could I? How could I believe you when it’s all over the net, when I hear it coming directly from Heechul’s mouth? Is that not enough? Who am I supposed to believe?”

Lightning strikes, flashing through the curtains. It begins to rain.

“Believe me, Hyukjae. Believe me.”

“I don’t.” Hyukjae says flatly. “I’ve believed you one too many times, but not anymore. Y’know, I thought I meant more to you than this. We were lovers, Donghae. Were. We’re best friends now, yes, but this doesn’t make it hurt any less. It hurts. It hurts so badly. I can't do this anymore.”

Donghae reaches for Hyukjae’s hand, but Hyukjae pulls it back, wincing. Donghae doesn't know what to do. He stands there, silenced, thinking. He doesn't want to lose his best friend, ever, and definitely not like this. He can't lose him.

“She’s no one to me, Hyukjae.”

“She’s my ex-ing-girlfriend, Donghae! You left me for MY ex-girlfriend! How the am I supposed to feel?”

Donghae sighs. His lips begin to tremble. “Why won’t you believe me…”

“Oh I’ve believed you, so so so many times, only to be proven wrong. You lied about us to the others. You told me that you go to church to hide the fact that we’re together, to cover up the truth when in reality, everyone told me you did it to repent. You're ashamed of me and you know it, so we decided to stay friends, but—”

“Hyukjae please—”

“I’m not done. After we decided to stay friends, there were so many, SO MANY rumours of you dating one girl after another, and it hurt because you denied all of them. You denied all of them, but you lied, and what hurt was that you never told me, your best friend, firsthand. Every single time went down, I had to find out things about you through the tabloids, or someone else. And then now, you date my ex-girlfriend? What the hell is wrong with you?”

Donghae grabs Hyukjae by the shoulders and shakes him. “It’s not true, Hyukjae!”

“You say that every single time surfaces, so quit lying, Donghae! I’m tired! I’m seriously tired!” Hyukjae begins to cry again, his body shaking with every sob. The rain has gotten heavier now, almost drowning out the sound of his voice. It's almost like the rain knows.

“Heechul even told me you wrote a song about her,” Hyukjae says quietly, grimacing. “You wrote a song about the who cheated on me and now I have to rap to it. I have to pretend everything’s okay and be onstage to sing a song about someone who hurt me; someone my best friend learned to love.”

“Hyukjae, I’m sorry for hurting you, but it isn’t true! None of it is true! I’m begging you, please, believe me! We’ve known each other for so long, Hyukjae, and even if we can’t be together, we love each other! You know that, don’t you?”

“You don’t mean it.” Hyukjae deadpans, staring at Donghae. “You never meant it.”

Hyukjae looks over Donghae’s shoulder and sees the door left wide-open. He struggles out of Donghae’s grip and makes a run for it, disappearing.

Donghae turns around and stares at the trail of bloody footprints that lead to the door.

“, Hyukjae! Lee Hyukjae!” He yells, running after him. He runs down the stairs two steps at a time, paying little to no attention to his frantic breathing. He has to get to Hyukjae. He has to fix things. He’s never seen Hyukjae this anguished and it rips his heart to shreds seeing him bleeding and crying, all because of him. It’s his fault. He should’ve been the first one to deny whatever bull Hyukjae read online. He should’ve always been truthful to him. He should’ve treated Hyukjae well if he loves him as much as he claims. Hyukjae deserves better. He really does. Still, Donghae doesn’t think it’s too late. He can salvage whatever that's left of them. He repeats it over and over again in his head like a broken record, a vinyl malfunctioning on its player.

“Hyukjae!” Donghae calls out once he reaches the ground floor. “Hyukjae, where are you?”

The rain is pelting down heavily. Donghae’s vision is clouded, but he decides to brave the rain, believing that Hyukjae must’ve ran towards the dorms. He’ll probably look for Jungsoo. Yeah, Donghae says in a bid to convince himself, he's safe. He’s okay. We’re okay. We will be okay.

Just then, the painful screeching of tyres fills the air, followed by a loud crash. Donghae squints his eyes, pacing gingerly towards the street, gradually quickening his footsteps. His heart is racing, racing like never before. An unsettling feeling makes a home out of his chest, but he tries to ignore it, failing miserably. No. It better not be. He pushes past a crowd of passers-by with their big umbrellas sees a wrecked car, and the body of a man lying in a pool of blood. He screams.

“No,” he mumbles, “no no no, Lee Hyukjae, no!”

Donghae steps off the curb and kneels next to the body of a man—a man in a beige-coloured sweater and brown pants, whose cheeks and knuckles are bloodied and bruised, brown hair disheveled, mouth agape. There’s thick red blood flowing out his slightly parted lips and head, and he isn’t moving, not anymore. And his eyes.... His eyes are wide-open, glassy, unfocused. Lifeless. Donghae slides his arms underneath him and lifts him, cradling his limp body in his arms. He rocks back and forth, looking out for the rise and fall of his chest, but there is none. No rising, no falling. He doesn’t even react to Donghae’s touches. Not anymore.

“, Lee Hyukjae! Why?” Donghae cries out, staring into the eyes of his best friend, eyes that have lost their glint. “Why, Hyukjae, why? You can’t leave me like this, Hyukjae, god, please! Wake up, Hyukjae, wake up!”

Donghae lifts Hyukjae’s lifeless body upwards and begins to press light kisses onto his cheek, one after another, never stopping. Just like he used to.

“I love you, Hyukjae. God, I love you, Hyukjae. I love you so much, so please, I beg you, wake up. I need you. I ing need you. I'll always need you!”

Donghae is drenched, but he doesn’t give a . He continues to peck Hyukjae’s cheek desperately, praying that it’d somehow bring him back to life. Of course it doesn't. He keeps rocking back and forth, akin to a mother holding her baby, losing control of his sanity. He takes in his features as he presses his lips onto Hyukjae's cheeks. There right in front of him is the face of a man he has loved for more than a decade. His skin is soft, Donghae notes to himself. He remembers all the times he'd kissed those cheeks. He should've done that more than he did. He should've never stopped. He runs his fingers along his jawline, and it reminds him of the way it moves whenever Hyukjae smiles or laughs, leaving him drunk in love. Back then he'd sworn to himself that he'd never be able to go a day without that smile, that laughter, but somewhere along the way he'd taken it for granted and he hates himself for it. And as he continues to kiss the man in his hold, he makes sure to breathe in his scent. It's a scent that comforts him even on the worst of days. It's a scent that he loves, that he's used to. It's a scent that reminds him he's home. Hyukjae feels like home. He always has.

“I’m so sorry, Hyukjae. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I want you to forgive me, damnit. I want you to wake up and forgive me! Please!”

Donghae cries hysterically, his shoulders shaking, trembling, dying inside. Something in his chest caves in, and it takes all of his strength with it. Suddenly he can't remember what it's like to breathe, or how to live. What's the point of living if the one you love is gone?

“I love you, Hyukjae, I love you so much. I need you to wake up. You can’t go like this, Lee Hyukjae, you can’t! You have to wake up. I want to fix whatever made you sad. I want to go places with you, to be the one that makes you happy, always. I want to see you smile and hear you laugh. God, I need to!”

Donghae continues to press kisses onto Hyukjae’s cheek, watching as the rain washes the blood away. Unfortunately, the pain remains unwashed, a harsh reminder of everything, everything Donghae regrets, everything he should've done right but didn't.

“I’m so sorry, Hyukjae. It’s my fault. Everything is my fault!”

Kneeling in the heavy rain, Donghae pulls Hyukjae closer to his chest; closer to his heart. He wishes Hyukjae could hear it beating, but he can’t. He’ll never hear Donghae’s heartbeat ever again. What’s worse is Donghae will never hear his.

“I wrote it for you, Hyukjae,” he whispered, hot tears streaming down his face as he wails aloud, completely unaware of how the people around them are staring at him, worried, anxious. It feels like a ing nightmare, and Donghae begs to be woken up from it, but no. He begins to hum a tune, one Hyukjae would've been familiar with in the weeks to follow, but not anymore. Donghae has lost it. He's lost his mind. He's lost his heart, and everything that's taught him love. He's lost Hyukjae. “One More Chance is about you, Hyukjae. I swear, I wrote it about you, for you. Only you. Please know that. I love you. I love you so much, you have no idea. Now please, please wake up, Lee Hyukjae. Do it for me, god, please! Hyukjae, wake up for me. Wake up so I can show you how much I love you. Wake up so I can prove to you I'll never hurt you again. I promise I'll never hurt you ever again, so please, please wake up, Hyukjae. Please?”

But he's gone. Hyukjae doesn’t wake up.

He never will.

*****

Even though I was in the rain, I liked it
Because there were traces you left behind
Because longing is a beautiful pain
I thought I could endure
I had many mistakes, many scars
Actually, I’m so scared, I just wanna end it all
Rain falls and dries and disappears
You can’t just go like that, please

A/N: so how was it? how was it reading an angsty eunhae fic on eunhae day skdhejshsh. if you listen to omc from now on and this fic comes to mind then woohoo !! ^^ mission accomplished. i was feeling particularly frustrated when i wrote this and idk i just felt like writing about enraged hyukjae (since i rarely read about it/hyukjae isn't exactly like this in real life (but you never know)). i had fun writing this. yes i'm a sadist. yes i was influenced by those sketchbook videos of hyukjae being pissed at donghae. angst angst

(also i know i always make hyukjae the victim. guess it's because i often read about donghae being the soft, innocent one so)

thank you for reading!! i'd really appreciate it if you give an upvote/comment telling me how much you want to kill me for this shdjdhd till next time!! :-)