The day Baekhyun got his diagnose was one of the worst days of his life. All the things he hasn’t done. All the things he has endured until this point. None of them matters anymore. First, he was mad. Then, he was sad. Then, he felt betrayed by fate. One of the worst things about dying is that you start rethinking your whole life. That’s when Baekhyun realizes he ed up. He hasn’t done anything he could be proud of. He doesn’t have anyone. Until now he hasn’t realized how lonely he has been his whole time. His grandma died three years ago, followed by his mother two years later. An overdose. He doesn’t even know who his father is. He doesn’t have a partner who loves him longer than one night. But he isn’t blaming them. You get what you give. He doesn’t “love” them either, so why would he expect more?

As he thinks of love, as cheesy as it sounds, only one face appears in his mind. Park Chanyeol. That nerdy boy with his ugly glasses and his big hoodies. Still, Chanyeol looked great with those ugly glasses and those big hoodies. Park Chanyeol was a nerd. But he was Baekhyun’s nerd.

Baekhyun hasn’t thought of Chanyeol for years. He didn’t like to think about his high school time. To be exact, he didn’t like to think about Park Chanyeol. The boy reminds him of his biggest mistakes. Park Chanyeol reminds him of his worst. But as he realized the next months might be his last months in this world, all he could think about was Chanyeol, the one he hurt deadly. Almost.

Then he gets it. It’s karma. He’s getting what he deserves.

He almost took someone’s life. Now karma is after his.

Karma is a , and the isn’t joking.

Baekhyun remembers a story his grandmother told him years ago. He doesn’t remember it word for word. But it was about a young man who loved a woman more than anything. However, she married another man. On her wedding day, he was so heartbroken he cried until his tears dried. When a Buddhist monk passed by, he asked the old man why fate wasn’t on his side. Why wasn’t he allowed to be with her when he loved her so much? To answer, the monk showed him their past life. The woman he loved lay on the street side. Dead. Even though many people passed by, no one did anything. Until he came. He carefully covered her up and paid her respect.

‘I did the right thing, didn’t I? Why were we still not mean for each other?’

‘Patience,’ said the monk. And they waited. Until the next day, a young man passed by. Seeing the woman on the ground, he dug a grave and laid her down with all gentleness. As the sun went down, he prayed for her soul and left.

‘You covered her up, but he buried her. That’s why.’ The monk explained.

“Good things or bad things, they happen for a reason. Do good and good will follow you.” His grandma used to say. He should have listened to her better.

“Do good and good will follow you.”

That implies “Do bad and bad will follow you as well.” Doesn’t it?

Before he dies he needs to apologize. Damn it. It doesn’t matter if Chanyeol will forgive him or not. He just needs Chanyeol to know that he regrets what he did. How could he hurt someone as pure as Chanyeol? Baekhyun realizes that only a monster would do that. He realizes the day he dies there will be one monster less in this world.

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“Mr. Park, there is one more thing." The young receptionist says, and Chanyeol holds in his breath, sensing more bad news to come.

“It was hard not to notice a few things when Mr. Byun sat here for hours every day. Maybe you have noticed him losing weights lately. But you’re always too far away from him, you might not notice him losing his hair. It was barely to see under that cap, was it? Mr. Park, I know it’s none of my business, but I have seen those symptoms before on my father…” She sighed.

“He passed away last year because of liver cancer. I don’t wish to be right but if I am, I think you should know it.”  

Back in his office, finally behind the closed door, Chanyeol gasps for air. The pressure in his chest grows, hindering him from breathing. The memories of Baekhyun waiting for him day by day suddenly appear differently. Baekhyun must have felt terrible the whole time. Why didn’t he say a word? Oh, wait, Chanyeol wouldn’t have listened. Realizing Baekhyun’s condition, Chanyeol can’t help but feel like he was torturing the smaller male all those times. Yes, there were some points in his life this would have been all he wished for. But this is not how he expected it to feel like. The thought of Baekhyun suffering doesn’t give him any satisfaction. In contrast, it feels like a blade that cuts every part of his skin. Considering Chanyeol has first-hand knowledge of the pains a blade could cause. Movies tend to romanticize suicides. But the fact is that the artery is deeper than most people think. Therefore, when you slit your wrist, you won’t lean back and watch it bleeds. No, you’ll be a mess, crying out in pain. Because cutting your wrist hurts like hell. Until today Chanyeol has made sure he’d never forgotten the pain he felt that day. Just so he would never try to do something so stupid again. Yet, what he’s feeling right now is a thousand times worse. Regrets hit him so hard it hurts physically.

“Go to hell, Byun Baekhyun.”

“You can take your apologies and go to hell.”

“I almost gave up my life when it’s you who deserve death.”

“The day you die, you’ll die knowing you’re not forgiven.”

Chanyeol’s hand forms a fist as he throws punches on his own chest. If he knew what Baekhyun was going through, he wouldn’t have said such cruel things. No, he shouldn’t have said it at all. Out of all people, he should have known how much words can hurt.

“I’ll die knowing I tried to make it up to you.” Baekhyun’s voice repeats in his head. He would never forgive himself if Baekhyun di… leaves this world.

If this nightmare is true, then Baekhyun spent his last days waiting for him, only to be rejected. Chanyeol tries his best to remember his last words to Baekhyun.

“You can apologize all you want. Saying sorry can’t undo your sins. I almost gave up my life when it’s you who deserve death.”

Chanyeol can't hold back his tears anymore as his own words play repeatedly in his head.

“It’s you who deserve death.” That can’t be the last thing he said to Baekhyun. He can’t let that happen. He just can’t.

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Chanyeol growls in frustration. He should have hacked Baekhyun’s phone when he got the chance too. It’d make it much easier to find the smaller male. Chanyeol barely sleeps anymore. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Baekhyun crying. After all these years, that’s still his Achilles' heel. Instead of sleeping he stares at that letter. Baekhyun’s letter. Every time Chanyeol rereads it, his heart breaks a little more. Every time, Baekhyun’s words sound more and more like a farewell. Chanyeol imagines how Baekhyun wrote the letter. Did he cry while writing this? Because when Chanyeol reads it, he can hear Baekhyun’s voice. He can see Baekhyun struggling to form the words, with tears in his eyes.

At times like this Chanyeol's just glad he was a wealthy man with great connections. It takes him only two days to find Baekhyun. And yet those two days felt like decades. Looking for Baekhyun, Chanyeol was fearing the worst while hoping for the best. As he finally finds Baekhyun in the university hospital – in the oncology ward, his nightmare is confirmed.

This isn’t the reunion he wanted. As much as he thought he hates the small male, this isn’t what he wishes for. The sight of Baekhyun - lying on that bed motionlessly with an IV line leading to his arm - is killing Chanyeol. Baekhyun hates needles. It must have been a fight to inject that catheter in his arm. And Baekhyun loses weights again, causing him to look smaller than he actually is. The nurse said Baekhyun was just sleeping, but his expression is full of pain. Why couldn’t they give him some medicines that work? At least he should be able to sleep in peace. As Chanyeol comes closer, he notices the yellowing of Baekhyun’s skin. That’s the moment he understands the gravity of the situation.

He’s losing Baekhyun… again.

Funny how the thought of losing this person can immediately put him in tears while not long ago, he just wanted that person to walk out of his life.

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Baekhyun wakes up with a stomachache, barely feeling any energy in his body. How is it possible for him to sleep the whole day and still be so tired? He checks his phone for the time, knowing there won’t be any missed calls or messages.

16:17

As he thought, he slept the whole day. Sitting up, he tries to recall the dream he had. He only remembers hearing Chanyeol’s voice but not what he dreamed. It was one of those dreams you forget right away as soon as you’re awake. Such a shame, Baekhyun assumes it was a beautiful dream. Maybe it was one of their memories back in high school. Before everything collapsed. Before he messed up.

Baekhyun removes the IV line and gathers all his strength to stand up. He wants to go for a walk before the sun sets – even if it’s just the hospital garden. He wants to feel the sunlight on his skin… as long as he still can. Unfortunately, just after one step outside of his room, he bumps into someone so hard, he falls to the ground. He can't blame the other person though. Lately, it has been hard for him to keep balance. The collision probably wasn’t even that hard.

“Oh , sorry. You ok?” His “accident victim” asks full of worries and within a second Baekhyun recognizes that deep voice.

“Chanyeollie?” Baekhyun raises his head. And there he is, Park Chanyeol, the last person Baekhyun expects to see. Is this even real? Maybe he’s high. Did they give him morphine?

“Are you hurt?” Chanyeol asks again as he pulled the smaller male up. The physical contact shows Baekhyun he isn’t hallucinating.

“No,” he replies before asking, “what are you doing here? You aren’t sick, are you?”

“Are you seriously worried about me? When you’re like this?” Chanyeol questions back.

“You know?” Baekhyun asks, lowering his head.

“What the , Byun Baekhyun. You can’t just leave a letter like that and then disappear.” Chanyeol almost yelled, but he remembers they are in a hospital.

“I wanted to say goodbye, but you weren’t ready to listen,” Baekhyun explains.

“Well, here I am, and… I forgive you.” Chanyeol announces straightforwardly.

“Why?” Baekhyun let out a bitter laughter. “Because I have cancer? Because you’re pitying me?”

“I forgive you.” That’s all he has wanted for so long. But it’s nothing when Chanyeol doesn’t mean it.

“It’s no pity, Baekhyun.” Chanyeol corrects his ex.

“Then why are you like this when you’re supposed to be mad?” Baekhyun raised his voice. Chanyeol froze at Baekhyun’s sudden outburst.

“Punch me.” Baekhyun snaps.

“What?” Chanyeol frowns.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never wanted to beat the out of me,” Baekhyun speaks, and he knows he’s right. After all the pains he caused, Chanyeol should finally get his revenge.

“I’m not going to.” Chanyeol states.

“Why not? Don’t you remember what I did to you?” Baekhyun asks in disbelieve. “Because of me, you got bullied in high school. Because of me, you were hurt. Do it. Take your revenge.”

“I’m not going to hit you.”

“Do you think I can’t take it? Because I’m oh so weak?”

“What were you called because of my lies? A ? A ert? A ?” Baekhyun doesn't know why he tries so hard to provoke the tall male. Maybe he wants to be punished. Maybe he can pay back in this life instead of carrying his sins to the next one. What would heaven have in store for a coward who lied about being forced when he was caught making love with his secret boyfriend? Korean isn’t a tolerated country for gay couples now. Imagine how it was eight years ago.  

“Damn it, Chanyeol. Because of me, you’re abandoned by your father. Because of me, you did this.” Baekhyun yells, pulling up Chanyeol’s sleeve to expose the scar on the taller male’s wrist.

“Stop it, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol begs.

“Hit me, you coward,” Baekhyun demands while he’s the one throwing punches on Chanyeol’s shoulders. Losing his temper, Chanyeol grabs Baekhyun’s upper arm, dragging the small one back in the room, and slams the door behind them.

“You want to make it up?” Chanyeol hisses. His hand forms a fist. His chest’s moving up and down with every breath.

Noticing it, Baekhyun provokes again. “Do it. Are you a man or not?”

By that Chanyeol pushes him against the door, letting the smaller male no place to hide and no way to escape.

But Baekhyun didn’t think of escaping.

“Do it,” he whispers. As Chanyeol raises his fist, Baekhyun shuts his eyes. The next second, he flinches at the sudden loud noise right next to ear and Chanyeol’s growling in pain. Immediately he knows Chanyeol punches the door… hardly. Yet, before he could open his eyes, a pair of lips crash his own, and he felt Chanyeol’s both hands on his neck as if they want to hinder him from turning his head away. But he didn’t want to turn away. Instead, Baekhyun parts his lips, allowing Chanyeol to slip in his tongue. Baekhyun realizes Chanyeol has become a great kisser. This Park Chanyeol has changed a lot. As they pull away to catch their breath, Baekhyun asks confusingly. 

“Chanyeol, what …?” Baekhyun tries to figure out the awkward situation he finds himself in, but before he could finish the sentence, Chanyeol interrupts with another passionate kiss.

“You said you want to make it up?” Chanyeol says under his breath. “Then do it.”

“Make it up to me,” the taller male whispered in Baekhyun’s ear while taking off his suit jacket.

“Make it up to me, Byun Baekhyun,” Chanyeol leans in, and Baekhyun can feel his heart races. His breathing speeds up. His shaking hands search for the door lock. And when Chanyeol hears the “click”, he takes it as an agreement.

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As Baekhyun opens his eyes, it’s already the next day and Chanyeol is nowhere to find. Even though he wishes Chanyeol would stay after last night, he isn’t surprised. But hurt he still is. “Chanyeollie,” he whispers into the pillow, allowing the tears to break free. He is all alone… again. There is no one by his side. Thus, there is no reason to hold back tears. No reason to hide his pain. Pulling the cover over his head, Baekhyun cries his heart out.

Then, something touches his shoulder over the blanket and Baekhyun flinches in fear.

“Baekhyunie,” Chanyeol’s gentle voice brings Baekhyun out of the shell he made for himself out of fabrics. Wiping off his tears, Baekhyun sees the worried expression Chanyeol is wearing.

“I’m so sorry,” Chanyeol says, putting the foods on the table. He just went out to get Baekhyun some more eatable foods than the hospital meal. Surely, he didn’t expect this when he comes back.

“What are you apologizing for?” Baekhyun asks in confusion. His voice is still broken.

“I’m sorry about yesterday. I don’t know what got into me. I didn’t want to force you. Really. I was… I don’t know. But it was wrong and I…”

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun interrupts, grabbing Chanyeol’s hand. “I wanted it too.”

“You don’t have to say that. I shouldn’t have used your guilty to make you…”

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun stops Chanyeol one more time. “Stop talking bulls.”

“Baekhyunie, I…”

Baekhyun signals with his fingers, nonverbally asking Chanyeol to come closer. He’s so tired, even moving his fingers requires too much effort. Yet, as slight as his movement was, Chanyeol would always notice it. That’s what Baekhyun loved the most about his ex.

Baekhyun doesn't mean to whisper. Still, the words come out too quietly. “I’m so tired, Chanyeol. I don’t want to repeat it, so listen carefully. I wanted it too, ok?” Baekhyun explains with half-closed eyes. He just wants to go back to sleep. He doesn’t even notice his breathing slows itself.

But Chanyeol does.

Chanyeol notices how Baekhyun’s chest moves slower with every breath. Chanyeol notices how Baekhyun’s grip on his hand loosens. Chanyeol notices Baekhyun is closing his eyes bit by bit.

“Baekhyunie,” Chanyeol calls out as he leans in, one hand on Baekhyun’s face while the other shakes the smaller male’s shoulder.

“Stay with me, Baekhyun.” His voice trembles. “Don’t you dare.”

“The day you die, you’ll die knowing you’re not forgiven,” Chanyeol recalls his own words. He doesn’t want to think of it. He doesn’t want it to feel real. He convinces himself Baekhyun isn’t dying. He isn’t losing his first love.

But what if he is?

“Baekhyun, I forgive you. Do you hear me? You are forgiven.” Chanyeol cries, hoping it isn’t too late, and a small smile appears on Baekhyun’s face before his eyes shut.

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Since that day Baekhyun hasn’t woken up. Since that day Chanyeol has come to the hospital every day, sitting next to his first love, taking Baekhyun’s hand to make sure the small male would know he’s not alone.

“I’ll wait until you wake up,” Chanyeol promises.

The doctor told him Baekhyun was lucky they found a new liver on time. Yet, all Chanyeol takes note of was Baekhyun’s coma.

“He will wake up.” The nurses encourage him, but the day Byun Baekhyun would come back to his life seems unreachable.

He should have forgiven Baekhyun sooner. He should have noticed Baekhyun’s pain sooner. He should have held that lonely human tight and never let go. All the things he should have done, he prays he’ll get the chance to catch up.  

“…you deserve nothing but happiness.” That’s what Baekhyun wrote.

“So do you,” Chanyeol tells the unconscious man. “You deserve happiness too. You deserve better than this.”  

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Bright lights dance on Baekhyun’s eyelids, waking him up. The first thing he felt – even before opening his eyes – was the warm sunlight on his skin. How he missed this feeling. Finally opening his eyes, Baekhyun is taken away by the beauty of the scene he sees. He finds himself in a fairylike bedroom that’s filled with sunlight thank to the giant windows which lead directly to the garden. Everything about this room screams “European royal palace” – its old-fashioned wall, its painted ceiling, its fancy chandelier, and its vintage decorations. This room is exactly how he’s imagined all the palaces he couldn’t visit to be. This place is so beautiful… heavenly beautiful.

“Why is he in heaven and not in hell?” Baekhyun wonders. He can't explain. Maybe he was spared because of that one time he helped that little lost girl finding her mom at the mall. Or maybe it’s that one time he called an ambulance for the homeless man who passed out due to heat . Who knows?

Opened the ridiculous huge window or door, or whatever it was, Baekhyun enters the garden. As pretty as the room is, it’s nothing compared to this piece of nature. Walking barefoot on the grass and taking a deep breath, it amazes Baekhyun how great he feels. He feels alive. How ironic.

Baekhyun narrows his eyes, putting his right hand on his face to cover up his eyes, as he’s dazzled by the light at the end of the path. Baekhyun doesn’t get it. Why is he getting a light when he’s a born Buddhist?

“Death is so confusing,” he thought.

Yet, he should care less. He’s going in there. The light feels so warm and this scene is so lovely. In addition, he is dead. What’s the worst that can happen?

Piece by piece his eyes adjust to the brightness and a smile appears on his lips as he recognizes the person standing in the middle of it, smiling at him.  

“Chanyeollie,” he calls out, heading to his heaven.

THE END