Alone in the room that is more spacious than usual
It’s over, guess it’s over

I sat down in front of the vanity table, waiting for the make-up artist to finish her job. Today is my wedding day. I should be happy; no I have to feel happy, after all today is the day that we've been waiting for. Yes, we. But today it’s not me and you; it’s me and him. We used to dream about this day too, right? Back when everything‘s fine, felt like nothing could go wrong. Oh how naïve we were; naïve and foolish.

Flashback

We sat down at our usual picnic spot, a hill over-looking the town with lots of flowers around. You said you accidently found this place when you were being a naughty kid and ran away from home. You brought your special lunch box and feed me almost all of it, if not for my threat you would probably forgot to feed yourself. You were just grinning like a dork saying that you already full by just watching me devour the food you’ve made. After we finished eating our lunch, we lie down and just enjoy each other’s presence. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable one, in fact it feels so siren. We don’t need to express our loves for each other using words, even in silence like this I could feel your overwhelming love for me –as cheesy as it might sounds- but that’s true. I felt that you shifted your head to turn at me, instinctively I moved my head in your direction almost in the same time and suddenly my breath got caught by the intense gaze from your eyes.

 I always found your eyes so expressive. Those eyes said what you couldn’t say out loud, those eyes gleaming when you feel satisfied or when you feel the pride of accomplishing something hard. Those eyes sparkled mischievously when you’re on your ‘byuntae’ mode or when you’re going to do something silly with your best friends; Kwon Yuri and Choi Sooyoung. And those eyes which filled with love and tender gaze when you’re looking at me like right now. My heart swelled up with so many emotions and sometimes I asked God why I could be so blessed to have you with me and having your love? My gaze trailed down to your pointed nose and rested on your pink lips, I involuntarily my own lips and soon after I heard you chuckled.

“Enjoying what you see, eh Fany-ah?” I blushed at your witty remarks; I ducked my head down to avoid another embarrassment. I heard you laughed, and decided to shut you up with my lips. We kissed for awhile before parting when oxygen became necessary. You traced my bottom lip with your thumb and I could feel the love that radiating from your eyes.

“I love you, Miyoung-ah. And I will always love you”

You leaned down to softly kiss my lips again and then grinned again. “I can’t get enough of your kisses” I smacked your arm playfully. “Yah! Stupid Byuntae!”

Your laughter echoing in my ears; makes me smile as well. I always love the way you laugh even though some said it’s not so lady-like but it shows that you enjoy your freedom and never really care of what people might said about you.

“Seriously Fany, I love your kisses. And I hope I’ll get much more when we get married” you ended that sentence with a long kiss; sealing our promise to be together forever.

~end of flashback~

I was brought back to the real world when a hand touched my shoulder. I looked up and saw Seohyun’s worried face looking at me. I tried to smile; even now smiling becomes so hard without you here. However I could tell that Seohyun notice my strained smile.

“Unnie…”

“I’m fine Seo.”

“But…”

“No, don’t say anything. I’m completely fine. I was just get overwhelmed by this place. You’ll know it when you’re married later.”

Seohyun didn’t say anything after that. She knows that even if she pressured me to tell her what’s been bothering me; I won’t tell her what’s on my mind. She sighed and I blinked. It’s such a rare scene to see Seohyun sighing.

“You know Unnie, at least when you said you’re fine try to smile a little bit more genuinely… It would be more convincing” I fell silent after her words. Seohyun looked at me for awhile before leaving the room, leaving me alone with my thought as my companion. I tried to smile a bit more genuine as like what Seohyun told me. But I can’t. That genuine smile has disappeared along with you.

The story created by the two of us was also in vain
I can't believe it could crumble so easily

There goes the stinging pain again. I thought I was already got over you when I decided to married him. But I guess spending 5 years together really takes its tools on me. You really got me good. I smiled sadly Even in my wedding day I still thinking about you, damn it! Just get out from my head and leave me at peace! I’m getting married for God’s sake! But then again, I was the one who at fault for causing our relationship ended. I sighed again; I lost count of how many times I sigh today. Supposedly I should have this ridiculous looped-side smile that spread so wide on my face that could even put a horse into shame because my smile is wider. But I just can’t, it’ even seems like I forget how to smile genuinely even with my friends surrounding me. Simple answer, they’re not you. I could feel my tears tries to get their way out from my eyes, but today I would hold it inside much tighter than usual. I’ll play the role of the happy bride who married to the man she loves dearly even though it pains me so much. Although I’m sure it won’t hurt me as much as what I felt the day you walked out of my life.

One mistake, got a one regret
nobody is perfect
Even if I try to say and hear it
the pain won't heal no matter what

Flashback

I barged inside our bedroom, feeling very pissed. I was already in bad mood when I saw you with her; a beautiful blonde girl. You two were chatted happily and you even let her to feed you; the thing that only I should be the one who gets the privilege to do so. Soon I heard the sound of the front door opened and immediately knew that you’re home.

“Fany-ah, I’m back” you called as soon as you enter the house, I was too angry to be bothered to reply. I heard your footsteps getting closer to our room and I tried my best to hold my anger but when I saw your face, the image of you and that girl comes rushing into my mind.

“Where have you been, Kim Taeyeon?” I asked, I guess my voice were really cold judging by the surprised look on your face. “I went to the coffee shop with a friend. I told you about it yesterday”. I scoffed at your answer ‘Yeah right friend whom you allowed to feed you’ I thought.

“Fany-ah, what’s wrong?” seriously you have to ask that? Everything was wrong. You let her to feed you; not me, your girlfriend. You reached out to touch my cheek but I moved a step back, a look of hurt flashed on your eyes.

“She’s a friend huh? Tell me then Kim Taeyeon… Do friends feed each other? Do friends smiling sweetly to each other? Do friends hold hands throughout their so-called friendly meet up? DO THEY?!” I finally lose control of my temper; I can’t believe you would lie to me and go with another girl.

 “Miyoung-ah…”

“DO NOT CALL ME THAT! GIVE ME THE STRAIGHT ANSWER KIM TAEYEON! WHO THE HELL IS SHE? YOUR’S BRAND NEW GIRLFRIEND?” shock plastered on your face when I said the word ‘girlfriend’. “What are you talking about, Mi- Fany-ah? She’s just my friend! My best friend when I was in junior high! She moved to Paris after the graduation and today is the first time I saw her again after long separation!”

Right now, if I could ride a time machine

And go to meet you

I wouldn’t wish for anything else

Before the memories become distant and fleeting...

I need a time machine oh

I need a time machine oh

You scratch your head in stressed manner, you walked to our walk-in closet and brought a huge shopping bag which had my favorite brand’s logo. I stared at it with wide eyes and you just sighed in annoyance as you handed me the shopping bag.

“Take and open it” Your tone was flat as I shook my head in disapproval. You huffed and shoved the bag to my hands. “It was supposed to be your gift for Christmas. Go on and take a look inside it”. I did as what I told and my eyes immediately grew wider as I saw the purse that I recognize is a new winter collection from my favorite brand.

“Her name is Jessica Jung. She’s my best friend… Well, more than best friend actually; I thought her as my sister. When I knew she’s coming back to Seoul, I asked her to buy that purse for you. So I picked her up at the airport before went to coffee shop because she said she wants to sight-seeing around the town. She’s also accompanying me to the jewelry store to pick up this ring” you took out a black box and opened it; presenting a ring with pink diamond on top of it. “It’s custom made, so takes awhile to finish. I was going to propose you on Christmas… But I guess… it’s would be just stay as a wish and dream…” you had a sad smile on your face; making the guilt quickly spreads throughout my heart.

“Tae…”

“Maybe… we should take a break from each other”

Time slows to a crawl when I’m by myself

The punishment for my mistake is severe

I stared at you with mouth hung open and eyes opened wide. I couldn’t believe what you just have said. You hung your head low; your shoulders are shaking as you tried to hold your tears. It pains me a lot to see you like this and it hurts me much more when I realized I’m the one who caused you all of this pain. All because stupid jealousy I felt and didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself. I should’ve known better than accused you right away. You placed the ring box on top of the bed.

“I wish you happiness, Fany-ah.” You said as you left the room also walked out from my life

-End of flashback-

The last words that you left behind

Even now, I can't stop [re-playing] the refrain

My heart still hurts

I closed my eyes as tears starts to brims on the edge of my eyes, threatening to fall down again. I heard a knock and immediately composed myself. I can’t afford to look like a wrecked train on my wedding day, although the turbulence in my heart still keeps going on and on. “Come in” I called out and Jessica peeked her head inside. Yes, the same Jessica Jung who became our source of argument that day. Ironically, now she’s become my best friend.

“Hey Tiff. How do you feel?”

“Oh I feel great! Like I couldn’t stop smiling all the times” Jessie just rolled her eyes.

“You and sarcasm doesn’t really get along well, Tiff” I sighed again

“Sorry Jess…”

“It’s fine. But seriously Tiff… How do you feel?”

“I’m a wreck”

Jessica stays silent after my last words. She was the one who comforted me the most after Taeyeon were gone. I searched her in my desperation to found Taeyeon, with a hope that Tae stayed with her. But no, Tae didn’t even informed Jessica where she’s going to. After I told Jessica what happened she got angry at me; saying that I’m a fool for acting like that and for letting you go after our five years together.

“Tiff… You… Still can’t get over her?”

Just one mistake, just one regret
Even now, I still love you selfishly

“You’re asking the obvious, Jessie…” finally I can’t take it anymore and broke down. I sobbed quietly and felt Jessie pulled me into a hug. She knows my pain and even understands it; that’s what makes us best friend. We both know the pain of losing someone important to us.

“Sshh Tiff…” Jessica said as she my back comfortingly

“I… *sob*… miss… *sob*… her… Jessie… So much… *sob*”

Three years later

I get off from my car and walked to the certain area I’ve memorized with my heart. A small tug on my pants steals my attention for awhile before I smiled and took the hand with my free hand which previously tugged my pants. We walked slowly and I can’t stop a smile that immediately placed upon my face when I reached our destination. I crouched down and cleaned the stone, my finger grazed slowly on the stone’s surface.

“Hey there… How are you doing up there? I bet it would be much better than down here, right? It’s your 29^th birthday today, happy birthday to you” I smiled as I put down the flower. “You love lilies, right? I bring it with me today. If you’re with the angels up there, please don’t give them too much trouble, okay?” I smiled sadly. It’s been 5 years since you’ve been gone leaving this world behind; leaving me behind. A year after our break up, finally I knew your where about because of the news on the TV.

-Flashback-

 I was sitting on the couch in lazy Sunday morning. I flipped through the channel as none of it catches my attention. The pain of losing you still lingering on my heart and my mind; I can’t reach you at all and none of our friends, even your best friends, knows where you are. As I was about to get up from the couch, sudden news catch my attention

‘We’re sorry for cutting up this program. There’s a big accident happened on the southern ring road of Seoul. A fatal car accident was occurred ten minutes ago. Two cargo trucks collided with each other and in turn causing several cars dragged onto it as well. A red Nissan Skyline GTR which were in the middle of the two cargos suffered the destructive damage.’

I suddenly get a very bad feeling when I heard the anchorman said red Nissan Skyline GTR since I remember you drive the exact same car. I was hoping that it would be another person, but my nightmare comes true when he continue with the news

‘According to the data that the police had acquired from the scene, the owner who also the driver of the car is Kim Taeyeon, age 24 years old. She died immediately after suffering internal bleed on her brain and lung due to the impact…’

My mind went blank when I heard your name announced as one of the victimof the accident. My legs gave up on me, making me fall back down to the couch. My eyes wide open and tears keep pouring down. I shook my head; wishing all of it was just a really bad dream, but when my phone ringing I knew that it was no dream. You left me for good. My hand shakily picked the phone up and I immediately heard Yuri’s voice on the line.

“Tiffany did you see the flash news?! Taeyeon… Taeyeon…”

“Yuri-ah… Taetae is… gone…” my vision went black and I couldn’t remember anything else beside Yuri’s yelling voice on the other side of line calling my name.

I slowly opened my eyes and tried to sit up, someone rushed to help me. I turned my attention to my helper and saw Yuri’s concerned face.

“Fany-ah, you okay?”

I was about to nod before all the memories of what just happened comes in full force, reminding me of the fact that you’ve left this world. My tears pouring out of my eyes and I didn’t bother to hold it up anymore. You left me. You left me alone, Taetae. Without giving me a chance to say “I’m sorry and I love you” again.

-End of flashback-

If I'm able to meet you passing through time and space
Even if it's heading to
the same conclusion, I'm sure
there won't be any regrets remaining

I wiped away the tears that just about to roll down to my cheek. I told myself that I’ve had enough of weeping and crying over you, since I’m sure you also wouldn’t want to see me crying that much. I smiled at your tombstone, feeling content just to talk to you like this. A hand placed on mine and I look to my right just to see my 3 years old daughter staring at me.

“Mommy why do you crying? Tae hates to see mommy cries”

“I’m sorry sweetheart, but mommy just missing her best friend.”

“I will never make mommy sad and cry”

“You’re mommy’s source of happiness, Taeyeon”

My little girl grinned at me, showing two of her missing tooth. She then looked at the name on the tomb and looking back at me.

“Mommy… Your best friend has same name like me! Two Taeyeons for mommy!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her remarks, she sometimes indeed reminds me of you. Taeyeon Junior. I like the sound of it. But even so, she’s not you. And I’m sure no one able to replace you from my heart forever, Taetae. ‘I love you so much Tae. I still am and always will’

I hold my daughter’s hand and give it a gentle squeeze. She smiles at me.

“Let’s go back home. Auntie Jessie and Auntie Yul will come over to have dinner with us. We need to prepare” Taeyeon nodded and immediately tried to run straight to the car. I shook my head before turning my head to your tombstone again.

“I have to go now, Taetae. But I’ll be back with little Taeyeon again. I miss you so much… and please wait for me until the time for me to go is coming. Promise me you’ll go to search for me when that time comes, okay?” I flashed my eye-smile for a moment. “I love you Taetae. Good bye for now”

I walked to my car and the rustling of the wind suddenly passed me by and somehow I thought I heard your voice but shrug it off and making my way to my little Taeyeon who stood rather impatiently beside the car.

“Mommy! Hurry up! “

I chuckled and glanced behind for one more time before run a little to my daughter side. We got into the car and drove off.

The wind carried the unheard message for the world to hear.

’I love you too Tiffany. And I’ll be waiting for you up here ‘till the day you’ll join me has come’

Right now, if I could ride a time machine
and go to meet you
I wouldn’t wish for anything else
Before the memories become distant and fleeting...
Yeah, before the memories of us are forgotten...
Gimme a time machine oh
Gimme a time machine oh
Gimme a time machine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Credits:

Song: Time Machine

Artist: Girls' Generation

Lyrics: HIRO
Translation: arghninja, SeraphKY, Kkabbekky @soshified.com/forums