It’s half past seven. She’s late, but not too late. The event page said that the party was starting at 7:00 p.m. but it sounded like there was already a lot of people inside. She’s been standing by the front door for about ten minutes now. Still trying to muster up the courage to finally ring the doorbell. Her hand is gripping tightly at the bottle of wine she brought as a gift, the other holding on with the same amount of anxiety onto her house warming gift. It’s just a party, she thinks to herself. They’re her friends, she’s going to have a fun time, everything is going to be okay.

 

“Seoyeon?” She finally snaps out of her overthinking state and turns to the voice, seeing Jisun walking towards her. She lets out a sigh of relief.

“Hey, Jisun.”

“Is no one answering the door?

“I haven’t really rung the bell.”

“How do you expect to get in, then?”

“I was working my way up to it.”

“Nervous?” Jisun asks.

“Yeah. You?” Seoyeon returns.

“A little.”

 

The truth is, the two were sort of on the same boat. They were both invited to Chaeyoung and Nakyung’s housewarming party. They had recently moved in together after being together for two years. The reasons why Seoyeon and Jisun were so nervous to go in were because Seoyeon used to be with Nakyung and Jisun used to pine for Chaeyoung. Their friend group never wavered despite the onslaught of emotions from their romantic adventures but some of them were better off than others. Though, they were only sort of on the same boat because while Jisun had pined for Chaeyoung for a few months, Seoyeon and Nakyung were in a relationship for four whole years.

“Why don’t I ring the doorbell and you greet first when it opens?” Jisun suggests.

“Okay. Call.”

 

So Jisun’s perfectly manicured fingertip presses against the button. A cheery but muffled tone plays and not long after, the door opens. It’s Nakyung and she greets the two, visibly elated.

“You made it! Did you come together?” She half teases.

Seoyeon rolls her eyes and Jisun just smiles awkwardly. She’s the first to present her gift to Nakyung. A well-seasoned skillet.

“Here. I figured this would be great for your new kitchen.”

“Jisun-ah! I knew I could count on you.” Another voice bellows from inside the apartment and Chaeyoung appears. She wraps her arms around Nakyung’s waist and comfortably rests her chin on the top of Nakyung’s head. Seoyeon can’t help but feel the pit of her stomach churn at the sight.

Seoyeon presents her own gift, handing them a paper bag. Nakyung peeks inside and laughs. She pulls out two towels, each having her and Chaeyoung’s names embroidered on them. Chaeyoung quickly takes the towel with her name on it, touching it and rubbing it against her face.

“These are so soft! Thanks, Seoyeonnie. Come in, you two. Please make yourselves at home.” Chaeyoung takes the gifts from Nakyung’s hands and brings them over to a corner with the rest of the others. Jisun and Seoyeon finally incorporate themselves into the party and Nakyung doesn’t waste time introducing them to people they might not have met yet. The whole gang is at the party. She spots Hayoung, Saerom, and Gyuri enjoying beers together. Saerom was laughing at something Gyuri said and Hayoung was adding to it with her antics. Jiheon was surveying all the food that Chaeyoung and Nakyung had prepared, her plate already having a hill of meat and lettuce on it.

Seoyeon admits, the apartment is quite nice. It’s the perfect size, not too big, not too small. It has one bedroom and an office, one that Seoyeon was sure Chaeyoung would convert into a dance room if Nakyung didn’t stop her. The living room could also comfortably fit a crowd especially since it led to a balcony. Seoyeon walks over to the designated drinks area, pouring herself a glass of whiskey on the rocks. She finds herself nodding along to the music in the apartment. Some R&B track filled the room, coming from a speaker that was strategically placed on a coffee table. This song is definitely Chaeyoung’s style.

She finds herself a spot on the brand new couch in the middle of their living room. She can’t help but feel like time is moving faster than she’d like. She’s 28 now, a mere two years away from hitting her thirties. It feels like everything is changing but she’s still the same. She wishes she could go back to her early twenties. She wishes she could wake up, head to her living room and be alone with her guitar to try and write music again. She’d probably make little to no progress for hours then get a text from an early-twenties Nakyung asking to come over for dinner after work and she’d send back a yes and suggest Chinese takeout. It was simple but peaceful. How she misses the peace she had. Music in one hand, Nakyung’s fingers intertwined with the other.

The cushion next to her sinks and she feels an arm rest itself behind her shoulders. She looks to her right and it’s none other than Jiwon. Jiwon is clearly way ahead of the party and already a little bit tipsy. She unabashedly drops her head on Seoyeon’s shoulder, staring off into the distance.

 

“You drunk already?” Seoyeon jokes.

“They look good together, don’t they?” Jiwon blurts out, her voice loud but slurred.

Seoyeon looks towards the same direction as Jiwon. Her eyes land on Chaeyoung talking animatedly, probably telling a perfectly normal story but blowing it out of proportion to entertain. She was always the life of the party, breezing through conversations with ease and making sure everyone is having a good time. As she’s telling her story, she’s got her arm around Nakyung who’s a bit calmer, simply leaning into Chaeyoung as she tells her tale. Nakyung reaches up and takes Chaeyoung’s hand who reflexively interlocks their fingers in response. Seoyeon feels a lump form in as she watches them because Jiwon is right. They do look good together.

Just then, Chaeyoung jokingly pretends to bite Nakyung’s neck which Nakyung violently protests, using her free hand to push Chaeyoung’s face away. They laugh and so do their two guests in front of them, Sooyoung and Jiwoo. Seoyeon can’t help but wince and Jiwon easily catches her discomfort.

 

“You still not over her?” Jiwon’s words feel like a punch to Seoyeon’s gut. She swallows the lump in before she answers.

 “I don’t know.”

 “Pfft. I know a lovesick when I see one.”

 “Shut up.”

 “I can’t believe you’re still hung up on her. It’s been like, what? Three years since you and Nakko broke up?” Another punch.

 “Mind you, we were together for four.” She states like a matter of fact.

 “So what, you’re supposed to take four years to move on?” A third punch is about all Seoyeon can take.

 “I really don’t want to have this conversation.”

 “Fine. But you better stop moping. It’s annoying to look at.”

 “Then don’t look.”

 

Finally, Jiwon untangles herself from Seoyeon and returns to the party. Again, Seoyeon is alone with her thoughts. She prefers it that way because that’s what she’s used to. At least when she’s alone with her thoughts no one else can hurt her. Jiwon could fall over drunk for all she cared. She just wants to make it through this party alive and without having a breakdown. Seoyeon realizes that her glass is empty and gets back to the drinks area for a refill. While she’s there, she feels a hand on her shoulder and she can’t help but groan.

 “Damn. Is the party that bad?” Chaeyoung jests. Seoyeon laughs nervously and shakes her head. She reassures that she’s having a nice time despite the opposite being the obvious truth.

 “Can I talk to you for a second?” Chaeyoung’s tone is serious and Seoyeon feels her heart drop. This feeling is all too familiar. This was the same tone Chaeyoung had when she asked for Seoyeon’s blessing to confess to Nakyung. Even then, despite how much she wanted to, Seoyeon couldn’t bring herself to hate Chaeyoung.

 Chaeyoung mulled over her feelings for weeks, going over them multiple times and talking about them with those closest to her heart. She didn’t even dare make any advances towards Nakyung. Not until she could speak to Seoyeon first. She never wanted to hurt her because at the end of the day, Seoyeon was her best friend.

 If Chaeyoung could have fought her feelings for Nakyung, she would have. If Seoyeon told her she didn’t want her to be with Nakyung, she probably would have made herself get over it. But she knew she had to at least try and so she asked. She asked with such sincerity and respect that Seoyeon felt like she’d be a terrible person for saying no. So she told Chaeyoung that it was fine. She told Chaeyoung that she can’t help but be sad, but she and Nakyung should be together if it would make them happy. Now here she was, two years later, and it was not fine at all.

 Chaeyoung leads the two of them to the apartment’s sole bedroom. She closes the door behind them and starts pacing in front of Seoyeon. Seoyeon sits at the edge of the bed, clutching her drink with both of her hands. She takes a sip to help brace herself for whatever Chaeyoung needs to tell her.

 

“I want to propose.”

Seoyeon chokes on the whiskey, entering a coughing fit.

 “What?”

 “I know. But I’m sure, Seoyeon. I know I want to be with Nakyung for the rest of my life.”

 

Chaeyoung is looking at her dead in the eyes as she says all this and Seoyeon can’t help but feel the panic surge into her heart. Suddenly her mind is bum rushed by all the thoughts and emotions that she’s been repressing for the last few years. Her brain is screaming at her that she can’t let this happen. She’s still in love with Nakyung. If they get married, there’s no turning back. She can never find the closure that she craves. She can never move on.

 “Are you sure, Chaeyoung? You just moved in together. Aren’t you moving a little too fast?”

 “It doesn’t feel like it, Seoyeon. You know me. I think hard before I make any decision. I talk about what’s going on in my mind. I get second, third, and even fourth opinions. I process everything and I’ve done that for this decision too. I know that Nakyung is the person I want to be marry.”

 “What makes you so sure? Hasn’t it only been two years?” Seoyeon bites back her tongue when she realizes what she just implied. The two remain in an uncomfortable silence for a few moments before Chaeyoung speaks up again.

 “It has. I know that it hasn’t been as long as…” Chaeyoung’s voice trails off. “But I think you know that it’s different. Nakyung is so good to me and for me. I’m also confident enough to say that I’m good for her.”

 

Seoyeon winces but keeps quiet and allows Chaeyoung to go on.

 “Don’t get me wrong, Seoyeon. I’m terrified. Every part of me is shaking right now but when I look at her, everything is okay. She holds me down. If it weren’t for her, I’d probably be halfway across the world by now but I wouldn’t be half as happy. I already know I want this. I always have. But I also know that it’s right. She lights my life up and I want her to know that I want to keep being the person who does that for her too.”

 It’s true. Before Nakyung, Chaeyoung dreamt of moving to somewhere in Europe to dance. She wanted to travel all over the continent and learn from its cultures and to escape. She didn’t know why but Chaeyoung always felt like she needed to get away from Korea. That is, until she fell in love with Nakyung and in turn, fell in love with home. Now she was running her own dance studio in Seoul and was teaching all sorts of people how to dance with the help of her co-teachers. Everything she needed was right here. She just needed Nakyung’s help to see it.

Seoyeon sighs. She hates this. She really does. She hates how determined and intelligent Chaeyoung is. She hates how courageous her giant of a best friend is. She hates it because Chaeyoung is everything she knows she could never be. Chaeyoung is everything Nakyung deserves and more.

Silence fills the air again. It’s a pregnant silence and it’s eating away at the two of them. Seoyeon is in the midst of a war within herself because she desperately wants to be happy for her friends and support them but she also wants to stop feeling so empty without Nakyung in her arms.

 There has never been so much going on in her mind. Seoyeon is so afraid of being alone but she can’t imagine herself with anyone other than Nakyung. All she knows is Nakyung. She wishes she never let go. She wants time to stop. She’s so angry and frustrated but at no one other than herself. Why did she say it was fine two years ago? Why did she keep saying it was fine for the last two years when it was never fine at all? Why didn’t she tell anyone that she was still hurting? Doesn’t she deserve Nakyung? Doesn’t she deserve to be happy too?

 

“Seoyeon?”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s a lot.”

“I think you should do it.”

 

So she does it again. For the last time. She tells herself and Chaeyoung that it’s fine. Despite everything inside her screaming that it’s not.

 “Really?”

 “Yeah. Nakyung is happy. You’re happy. The two of you are happy together.”

 “Thank you, Seoyeon.”

 “Don’t mention it.”

 “Do you want to see the ring?”

 “Sure.”

 

Chaeyoung reaches into her pocket and pulls out a blue velvet box. She opens it for Seoyeon and reveals a tiny golden band. It’s covered in intricate engraving, etched with flower and vine-like design. It’s simple and if Seoyeon were to be honest, a little underwhelming. But it was beautiful.

 “I know it isn’t much-“

 “It’s great, Chaeng.”

 

Chaeyoung’s face breaks out into a smile.

 “You know how Nakko is. She hates it when things are over the top.”

 “True.”

Then Chaeyoung reaches out and envelopes Seoyeon in a hug. Seoyeon staggers for a moment, her face suddenly buried into Chaeyoung’s chest. She awkwardly hugs Chaeyoung back and gives her back a couple of pats.

 

“Chaeng?”

“Thank you, Seoyeon.”

“For what?”

“For always being so supportive. I’m glad that we’re still friends. I want us to always be friends.”

“Me too.”

 

The two pull apart and smile at each other. It calms the storm in Seoyeon’s heart a little. Maybe it really was fine. Even if she couldn’t be with Nakyung, at least she could still have both of her best friends in her life. There’s no way she could ever make it without them. All the hardest parts of growing up, she went through with them. It would be foolish to try and mess with that now.

They get out of the bedroom and rejoin the party. Chaeyoung naturally slips back into the socializing mood and yells at Jiwoo to arm wrestle with her. Seoyeon on the other hand decides that she needs a bit of a break so she steps out of the apartment and stands in the hallway. She allows herself to enjoy the space and lack of interaction. A force of habit, she begins mumbling her own thoughts to herself. This has always been how she made sense of her emotions.

A few moments later, the apartment’s door opens. Out comes a seemingly frazzled Nakyung, who lets out a deep breath. It takes her a few moments to realize that she isn’t alone and jumps at the sight of Seoyeon.

 

“Jeez! You scared me.”

“Sorry. What are you doing out here?”

“Needed some air. You?”

“Needed some air.”

 

The two of them keep shifting their eyes, neither of them able to really look at each other. Seoyeon realizes that this is the first time that they’ve been alone with each other in months. The last time, Seoyeon bolted out of the room before they could exchange any words. The panic sets in again but this time, she isn’t running.

 “Your new apartment is great.”

 “Thank you. Chaeyoung really outdid herself with the furniture.”

 “I think it’s nice. Just enough room for the two of you. Not too much stuff.”

 “She knows I don’t like it when things are-“

 “Over the top. I know. I bet she’s working her way up to letting you turn the office into a studio, though.”

 “As if I’d let her.” Nakyung chuckles and Seoyeon feels her heart skip a beat.

 

They start catching up. Seoyeon doesn’t know how but she actually hasn’t kept up with Nakung that much. She realizes that she’s been so consumed by her feelings that she failed to realize just how much time has passed and how much has changed about Nakyung. Seoyeon looks at her. Really looks at her. Nakyung still has that same unbelievably small face that Seoyeon fell in love with. A bit weathered by age because she’s almost 30 after all, but she’s just as beautiful as she was when they were 21.

Nakyung’s hair is a light shade of brown now, long and draped over her shoulders. Seoyeon remembers when she had two-toned hair, half purple and half pink. It was ridiculous but if anyone could make it work, it was Nakyung. She was a proper videographer now. She’d been working with an advertising firm for the past couple of years. Seoyeon remembers when Nakyung wanted to be a streamer for a living. Combining her love for video games, palatable personality, and adorable face, it made sense. But she gave that dream up a long time ago. Now she was editing videos and making graphics for a living. It wasn’t the same but Nakyung never let go of her love of computers.

Seoyeon on the other hand is still trying to make it happen with music. She still writes songs. She still plays at local bars every now and then. When the money is good, she lets herself play at weddings and birthdays. She’s been lucky enough to be able to release a couple of albums with a label but most of her earnings come from gigs. So she does some jingle writing for ads to help herself get by. Since she’s only providing for herself, it’s easy enough. The years have weathered her too but all in all, not much has changed.

 

“Seoyeon. Can I be honest with you for a second?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“What do you mean?”

 

Nakyung crosses her arms, as if physically trying to hold herself together. Seoyeon starts to feel worried as she sees fear wash over Nakyung’s eyes.

“What’s wrong, Nakko? You can tell me anything.”

“I’m scared. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never moved in with anyone. It feels like such a big decision. What if it’s a mistake? What if I’m a terrible person to live with and Chaeyoung hates me?”

“Nakyung. Chaeyoung would never-“

“Maybe we’re moving too fast. It’s only been two years. It’s been so great, Seoyeon. It really has. This is the happiest I’ve ever been. But what if I mess it all up? I was with you for four years and we didn’t even live together but I messed that up. So much is changing and it’s so so scary. I just don’t want to hurt her. She makes me so happy and I want her to be happy too-”

 

Seoyeon blurts it out.

 

“I still love you.”

 

Nakyung is stunned.

 

“What?”

“I still love you.”

 She blurts it out again. Seoyeon mentally slaps herself.

 “Seoyeon, I don’t think-“

 “Let me finish.”

 Nakyung shuts up and nods.

 

Seoyeon starts gathering all her thoughts and bearings. Everything she’s felt for the past 3 years is threatening to resurface. Everything she’s repressed for years, including tonight. This time around, she’s finally going to let them out. So she stitches her thoughts together and tries the best she can to put them out in a way that makes sense.

“I still love you, Nakyung. I don’t think I ever stopped. Even after the day we finally decided that it was over. I’m letting you know now because I kept it in for so long. I’m letting you know because you deserve to know and I deserve to stop burying these feelings so deeply and suffering as much as I have. But that’s not your fault. You didn’t do this to me. I did this to myself. I did this because I was too scared to do anything. I just kept convincing myself that I was repressing my feelings because you were better off without me but if I were to be honest, it’s because I wasn’t brave enough to try and win you back. There hasn’t been a day that goes by where I don’t think about how much I want you back. But there also hasn’t been a day where I felt brave enough to tell you.”

Seoyeon takes a deep breath. She can feel her knees shaking but she wants to say everything she’s always wanted to say.

“When Chaeyoung told me that she wanted to confess, part of me was distraught but another part of me was relieved. I thought that it would be a way out. Now that you were going to be with her, I had no choice but to finally move on. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I knew that I couldn’t let myself ruin you either. I love the both of you too much to do that. So for the past three years, I’ve been wallowing in all these emotions. In this fixation for you. I think that’s why things couldn’t work between us, Nakko-yah. I’ve always been too scared. I couldn’t even ask you to move in with me after four years because I was too comfortable with what we had from the start. I’m not someone that’s brave enough to deserve you. But Chaeyoung is and I still want you to be happy. I know you’re scared, Nakyung. But I’ve never seen you this happy. Not even when you were with me. So please, trust your gut. Don’t let your doubts get to you. Don’t be afraid like me.”

Seoyeon doesn’t realize that tears started falling down her face while she spoke. Her cheeks and jaw now soaked by this newly broken dam. Her breaths are hitching because her lungs are struggling to function but her shoulders feel the lightest they’ve ever felt in years. She wipes her face with the ends of her sleeves.

 

“I’m sorry, Seoyeon.”

“Don’t be.”

 “I didn’t know.”

 “I know. That’s why. Don’t be sorry.”

Nakyung steps forward and wraps her arms around Seoyeon. Seoyeon releases all the tension in her body and relaxes into Nakyung’s embrace. She gently hugs Nakyung back and for a moment, Seoyeon feels like they’re back to the way they were when she was Nakyung’s and Nakyung was hers.

 

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Just do me a favor and keep Chaeyoung in check, yeah?”

Nakyung laughs into Seoyeon’s neck and a familiar warmth rushes over Seoyeon’s entire being.

“I will. I’m not letting her turn this apartment into the same mess hers used to be.”

“Good.”

They pull away from their hug but Seoyeon cups Nakyung’s face in her hands. She stares into Nakyung’s eyes to tell her again that she loves her without having to say it then plants a soft kiss onto Nakyung’s forehead.

Seoyeon’s phone vibrates. It’s Chaeyoung. She shoots a quick reply and explains that she and Nakyung are outside. Chaeyoung texts again and tells Seoyeon that it’s time. Seoyeon tells Nakyung that they should probably rejoin the party and Nakyung agrees.

As soon as Nakyung opens the door, she’s greeted by Chaeyoung who is already down on one knee. She looks down at her girlfriend, visibly confused. Chaeyoung is looking back up at her with a million-watt smile. All their guests are gathered around the door way, standing behind Chaeyoung with their drinks in their hands. Some of them have their phones out, ready to record the moment. Chaeyoung pulls out the blue velvet box from her pocket again.

“Lee Nakyung. These last two years with you have been the most amazing time of my life. But I’ve known you for so much longer than that. It’s been about a decade now. You’ve been here for more than a third of my life and we’ve been through so much together. Not just you and me but us and our friends, our families. I want to keep growing with you, Nakko. I want to keep supporting your happiness and sharing my happiness with you for the rest of our lives.”

 

Chaeyoung opens the velvet box and reveals the ring. By now, Nakyung’s eyes are welling up with tears.

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes, you idiot! Yes!”

Their guests cheer as Chaeyoung slips the ring onto Nakyung’s finger. She gets up from the floor and easily picks Nakyung up in her arms as she always has. The couple share a chaste kiss and their friends cheer even louder. Seoyeon is still standing by the doorway with a smile on her face.

It’s definitely a pained smile, but a smile nonetheless. Seoyeon is hurting but she knows it’s okay. This time she knows this hurt won’t last because she’s finally let go. This time she knows this hurt isn’t the hurt of wanting Nakyung. This hurt is the kind that lets her know that what’s gone will never come back. This hurt is the kind that lets her know it’s time to move forward.