December xx 2020

Snow...

Snow is everywhere…

So winter has already come.

2.5 years have past since I entered produce 48 and met you.

But that incident only happen 1 year ago 

Another year has ended yet nothing has changed.

The empty and forceful smiles I usually shared to the other Izone members are still there.

The loneliness buried in my heart, the pain remaining in my vulnerable soul never disappearing.

And it’s all your fault.

I have become who I am now because of you.

Why did I ever want to meet you?

Why did I join Produce 48 from the beginning?   

Why did I want to talk to you, and end up falling for you?

“Eunbi  Unnie!”

Why did you always call my name but never actually looked at me?

Yes, it is you, who I cared and loved so much since the first time we met. You, the dancing queen of Izone, were always famous and popular among both  J-line and K-line. Even though you’re younger then me, you seem to always take care of the members like your own children. You’re not the leader of Izone, yet you always encouraged the members and restored their spirits before any performance, just like any real leader. You were just 19 yrs old but you already had everyone looking up to you even your unnies. The members loved you, admired you, wanted to be with you and even fangirl over you whenever you’re dancing (a/n ahem not naming an names; Minju) seeing that, you spent most of your time with the other members, rather than be by yourself.

But let me ask you this. Except for the times that we were on a tv show, photoshoots and filming for a mv, have you ever talked to me like a real friend?

Most of the times I saw you, you were either talking with a member of Izone or practicing dancing even though you’re already perfect at it; “I’m still not that good at dancing yet, practice makes perfect, right unnie?” If only you could see what I see then you what I see then you would know you’re already perfect. Even though you’re busy practicing and taking care of your dorm, you would still find time to fool around with the other members. But when I approach you, you would always reply with “sorry unnie, let talk another time, I’m busy now” and with that you ran away. You knew you were neglecting me, didn’t you?

When you were bored, you went to Yena and both of you fool around or disturb Hyekura’s time by having skinship with Sakura. You ended up getting the foods in your dorm eaten by a sulking Hyewon. When you were in a good mood, you would take the Mint-Choco Dan group out for some mint-chocolate ice cream or take the maknae line and Yena somewhere and return with food that got Hyewon excited. When you were lonely, you would choose to either, cling on to Sakura, hang out with Minju or chat with another member. And when you were sad or upset, you went to Sakura from your dorm or Minju from our dorm, for comfort. The only other time you talk to me was when you called me ‘innocent grumpy bunny’ when you were with Yena and fooling around. Tell me, was there anytime then that you wanted to spend that time with me, besides working?

Remember the time when you injured your foot during one of Violeta practice session? (A/N I made that up) When everyone in Izone including myself, saw that, we were so worried that all of us took you to the nearest hospital even though you would refuse and say it’s fine when it’s obviously not. Soon we were able to go into the room, with your bandaged foot shown to us, you greeted us cheerfully. Your smile formed on your pale lips and you let out your famous feather laugh. My heart ached when I saw how hard you tried to get up from your bed, just to show us that you were fine. But no, you were not fine. Sweat on your forehead and furrowed eyebrows formed whenever you moved, telling me that your injury was far worse than it looked. You could feel the pain clearly yet you still chose to smile and to chat happily with the others. The members gathered around your bed, asking about your health while I just stood near the door, watching you smiling at every question you received.

You were simply amazing, you know that? I could never compare to you, no matter how hard I tried. You rarely cried in front of someone, just so you wouldn’t botherthem. You would bear the pain so no one would worry about you. You would stress yourself with a lot of work and dance practice , for the sake of Izone after all you would still say you’re not ‘perfect yet’. But let me ask you, who is?

You had done so much for Izone already, that you deserved a long break. But look at what you chose. You chose to work again, even though your foot had not recovered yet. “But unnie, Izone Is not going to last forever, I need to make use of the time we have left”

I found you crying alone in the backstage several times, after the performances, holding your swollen foot. Each time I approached you and offered to take you to the hospital, you would always shake it off and tell me that everything was fine, giving me your famous feather laugh. Tears were rolling down your cheeks yet your smile and laugh never faded away. I just wished that one day you would stop being so stubborn and let everyone help you. You knew you would have to pay for your stubbornness after that, didn’t you?

Just not too long after your first injury, you hurt your foot again. It was the same injury, but this time, it was worse. The doctor told you to stop dancing for