He knows he needs to do a lot of things today but he can’t seem to move. He just wants to curl up and vanish and be done with it. They have a new dance routine to practice, songs to practice and record, add to that he still need to rehearse his lines for Excalibur, he also needs to prepare for photo shoots for Seventeen and Excalibur and they have to attend fan meetings. To say he is tired is an understatement. He thought that he can handle it but thinking about all of the things he needs to do is suffocating him.

There was a time that he dreamed of this reality but now that he is facing it, it’s not as happy as he thought it could be. He is always tired that sometimes he can’t sleep or eat. Before when he was still a student he thought that being an idol and into musical is the best dream come true to him but now he can’t help but question his decision. It’s not easy with all the training, financial problems, school, love interest, and social standards. He always gets criticized and he felt smaller and smaller every time. He’s even afraid to say anything because every time he opens his mouth he felt like he said something wrong again. No one really told him but he can see their eyes and reaction to whatever he says. 

It’s easy to act stupid and be happy with the gang. If you act stupid they won’t expect too much from you and he learned that repeating the insults he heard and laughing about it would lessen the sting when they laugh too. He really doesn’t know how he handled it but he grew used to swallowing his feelings. He’s tired already and he cried a few times and now he just felt this cold numbing feeling that fogs your brain. Maybe it’s the signal to stop and rest but how can he do that if there is no stop button? 

He can’t just say that he needs to take a break from the musical when it’s already on tight schedule to accommodate his idol duties and he can’t just say no to practices when he missed a lot already and he doesn’t want everyone to think that he’s prioritizing musical when he’s an idol first. 

He just wants to be happy but now he is crying again and he felt so squeezed with his thoughts. He curled up and covered his whole body he just wants to hide from the world even just for a bit and just breathe but even that seems to be hard for him as he thought of how much things he’s going to do and so many questions to answer. He started hyperventilating so wrapped up with his thoughts that he didn’t notice Joshua carefully unwrapping him out of his comforter. He whispered sweet things to him and wrapped his body around Seokmin. Seokmin calmed down after crying himself horsed. 

“ I don’t think I can do this Josh, I think I made a wrong move,” Seokmin said still sniffling.
“What move?” Joshua asked as he moved some of Seokmin’s hair to the side to cool him off a bit after sweating under the cover. 
“ Doing the musical and being an idol.” He whispered. He can’t look at Joshua as he said that because he can’t handle if he sees disapproval in those eyes.
“But you love Musical and didn’t you enjoy singing with us?” He said as he arranged Seokmin’s head over his lap. 
“I do, but I don’t know.” He comes up short. How do you explain this irrational feeling of anxiety that it seems to make him paralyzed? He won’t understand. So he said, “I’m just tired I guess and needs a good cry.” 
“I’ll tell them to give you some longer day offs. Do you want me to bring you anything?” Joshua said as he leaned down and looked at Seokmin.
“Nah, I’m good.” He answered as he closed his eyes trying not to panic with the thought that everyone will hate him or say that he’s dramatic with asking for more days off. 
“Want me to stay with you?” Joshua asked carefully arranging the pillows beside him. 
“No, I’m fine now. I’m just going to sleep.” He said as he smiled at Joshua.
“Okay, I love you,” Joshua said as he kissed Seokmin in the forehead.
“Love you too” Seokmin answered he closed his eyes and waited for Joshua to leave the room. He opened his drawer and took some sleeping pills out and he swallowed it dry. At least now he can sleep and stop thinking.
Early in the morning, he entered the studio, where they’re going to practice their lines. The practice was long and he really tried his best but he keeps on messing up. He stuttered just reading some lines and he knows that everyone is getting frustrated with him. He apologized for a couple of times and he just wants to cry. After the practice, he thanks everyone and apologized again. He headed for the bathroom to wash off some sweat when he heard. 
“I hope this play will not fail with that stuttering idiot. I don’t even know how he got the part.”  
“Hey, he’s an idol and we need him.” someone answered.
“But clearly if he’s going to mess up we should limit his part.” 
“I heard that the other lead is going to have the most part. So don’t worry.” 

Hearing that he messed up again and disappointed some people crashes him. He felt so squeezed again that he ran outside without looking where he's going that he missed the bus going to his direction. 

He heard ringing in his ears. He can’t seem to move and the pressure in his chest seemed so tight he wants to rub it or shout for someone but he can just stare at the building he had been practicing. He felt panic again when he thought of his failure so he does what he always does he closed his eyes and sleep.