when the alarm sounded it was like the shrill call of a bird instead of the soft chirp that it actually was. his head had its own heart beat, his eyes stung, sounds hurt, his body throbbed and his joints aches. his bruises made themselves present and he groaned in agony. 

 

he was so tired, he sleeps but it’s agonizing. he can’t fall asleep it’s just like seeing black and feel everything. he can still feel pain when he sleeps, ifhe sleeps. he loves s he really does but it’s exhausting to do this everyday. 

 

he wish he could be like taeyong-hyung, a good leader and a perfect role model all the members look up to him. and mark? he couldn’t even lead his dreamies, he was in 3 sub-units and he still couldn’t do anything right. how pathetic really. you would think after all of this time he could be just a decentleader but no. 

 

mark was just pathetic. he couldn’t rap well enough, honestly he still couldn’t figure out how he made it at all. he complains about how hard it is but taeyong has to deal with all of them. all 18 of them. and here he was whiny about his ‘struggles’. pathetic. 

 

he groaned as he reluctantly rolled out of bed and put some clothes on. bruises littered his body, he looked abused. he laughed a little at that, ‘take better care of yourself before you make people start to worry about you. you don’t deserve it.’ he chided himself. ‘do you need attention every second of the day?’

 

“-hyung”

 

he heard through the door way of his room. he sighed, great just what he needed right now. another person to ask him if he’s ok. stupidstupidstupid. not good enough. if only he was better at something. anything. pathetic. 

 

“mark-hyung? do we have practice?” he heard someone, maybe chenle? say through the door. he didn’t know (he should know by know he was their leader for gods sake and he didn’t know)and he wallowed in self-hate again. he opened the door for chenle to see, he offered a small smiled. “yeah we do, can you do me a favor and get the other members from dream so we can go?” 

 

‘of course, make someone younger than you do your damn bidding. what to lazy to get up and get your own members? some leader you are.’ voices chided him from inside his head. he watched chenle nod and walk away before he raked a hand through his hair and gripping it. a terrible leader. stupid! stupid!stupid!

 

————

he was so tired. so so tired his body hurt so bad. all he wanted to do was go back to the dorms and cry in a ball and then complain to johnny so it was someone else’s problem, not his anymore. pathetic really, he knew. he wanted to scream. he looked back over to the dreamie’s to get a hold of himself. 

 

“let’s run through the da-dance once more time,” he stuttered out. since when was the room spinning so suddenly. he staggered a little in place trying to regain his balance, and trying to make it less obvious that their leader nearly face planted in the middle of dance practice. 

 

“m-maybe we should take a break yeah? we are all a little tired,” jeno said, but all mark heard was ‘you nearly passed out and we aren’t even halfway through practice. i’ll just give us all an excuse to give you a break.’ how weak can one be. he so useless he swears, they deserve so much better. he’s dragging the team down, and he can feel it is the worst part. 

 

“n-no lets just do this one part before w-we do. okay?” he said. words were so hard, everything sounds muddled in his mind but really loud in his ears. his head is throbbing, and his vision looks like someone used the blur colors on photoshop. his head hurts, like bad. 

 

they finish the dance, and he doesn’t pass out so he gets a gold star for that but the floor is tilting and colors are mixing together and he’s blinking trying to clear his vision and it’s not working. and he may or not be panicking. at all. or maybe allot.  but he’s fine. he’s their leader, he can do this. 

 

his body makes a plop sound when he slides down the wall and ‘sits’, while downing water. he knows that he shouldn’t drink to much because he’s already dizzy but he wanted to. it felt so good sliding down his throat. so good, like cold heaven. the younger members are drinking water and he can hear some of them exhale in exhaustion. they are tired, he’s just being petty. 

 

his head is spiking with pain now. it’s no longer pulsing, or pounding. it hurts so bad, like a knife is lodged between his skull and his brain. but he’s fine. he’s squinting against the light a little bit, he’s trying not to let it show to much. he feels bad, like really bad. like he’s about to pass out spots are already dancing across his vision. his body is tilting. he’s gonna fall he can feel it, and he’s sitting so he’s not really sure how that will work. 

 

“hyung, you really don’t look good, nobody will judge you if you want to go home. you really look sick,” he heard someone say. he shook his head because he’s so smart and that was really going to help. “i’m fine don’t worry, let’s just get-get back to the dan-d-dance. okay?” 

 

korean is hard, it’s getting harder to see straight in front of him but he has to look at something to keep him grounded so he’s staring into space. he feels like he’s about to throw up on the spot, he’s puffing his cheeks and exhaling really loudly trying to fight off the nausea, and also trying not to let his other members see him break down. 

 

sweat is tricking down his forehead and it’s basically the last straw, saliva is flooding his mouth and he’s about to throw up. when his stomach lurches he swallows it quickly before practically yelling at them to keep practicing while he goes to the bathroom and his words are rushed. he has no idea what language he’s speaking, but his running down the hallway. 

 

it’s sad really he’s about 5 feet in front of the bathroom and he’s throwing up all over the floor, hand pressed on his stomach as he’s retching hard and he’s lurching forward as he does so. sickening splash fills the hallway and he’s groaning because now he’s sure everyone in ‘dream’ can hear him throwing up’ but it’s not food really, it’s mostly water and bile that stings his throat. 

 

he hears an “it’s okay hyung,” and now he’s trying not to throw up because it’s embarrassing enough that he’s thrown up all over the floor but now his dongsaengs are out here witnessing it. he’s never been so disgusted in all his life. he can feel his nose running and now he’s officially crying. what a great leader. he wants johnny so much right now. he just wants to sleep. 

 

“h-hyung?”

 

that’s chenle. 

 

“h-hyu-ung,” a deep breathe. “y-your nose is bleeding.” 

 

“johnny”he groaned out in english. “i just wanna go home,please get johnny,” and then his world went black. 

——————

 

when he woke up he was at the dorms and wrapped in blankets. he was shaking an freezing and yet still sweating. how he was mark didn’t understand but apparent that’s how the body works. his body was vibrating with how cold he was. he shuffled to the door way listening to his other member taking to another. 

 

“how would he have gotten sick so fast? he has a good immune system and he eats well?” that was taeyong. great he’s making him worry again. he’s a bad leader and a bad dongsaeng. 

 

“i don’t know hyung seemed pretty sick, i think he’s really tired and he probably hasn’t eaten. he’s under allot of stress especially now that we are all in promotions,” he heard chenle say. he wanted to roll his eyes. scream. throw something. they didn’t need to worry about him he was fine. 

 

“baby what are you doing up?” he heard johnny say in english. 

 

“you guys d-don’t have to worry about me. i’m f-fine. it’s just a bad cold and you guys are blowing this out of proportion.” he said lower his head and let his bangs cover his eyes. he was so embarrassed and his stomach still felt weird like he was gonna throw up again. 

 

“yeah, sorry babe but this is not what okay looks like. if your stressed you can come and tell us. if you feel  bad you don’t need to hide it from us until you get so sick. it’s okay. you’re ok and i’m always here for you ok?” johnny said. 

 

mark nodded. “i know, but it just feels like i’m not god enough. like, look at me. i just let down my members because i was sick and i couldn’t t-take care of myself. i m-made my whole unit look b-bad because of how w-weak i am! how does that make us look?!”

 

he leaned forward until his head is on Johnny shoulder again, he’s crying now, it’s not helping his head but he feels somewhat better, it’s loud obnoxious sobs and gasps for air. but it helps. all he feels now is warmth and johnny hands in his hair, massaging his scalp. 

 

“hey, none of that now. you are a great leader, your other members do look up to you but you put so much pressure on yourself and you don’t have to. we are here for you. we love you-hell I LOVE YOU! you trust me, yeah? tell me when you don’t feel well, tell taeyong. you don’t burden anyone because you don’t feel well. it’s ok, mark,” johnny said. “now get some sleep”.