Coda: Be Happy (Even More than Me)

The sky is golden and so is the clear water. It’s as if the world is made of crystal and water and even the sand feels like liquid gold under his feet. Taemin inhales the sea air, the salty scent of it that’s not abrasive when the water is calm like this, and tries to remember what he was thinking about before being distracted by the beauty of the world.

He was searching. Is searching.

What could he be looking for here, Taemin wonders.

Not something, someone.

He’s looking for someone.

Kibum.

That’s right, Taemin remembers abruptly, he was with Kibum. Kibum must have gone ahead while he lost himself and now he needs to find him.

But when he tries to move, his limbs are heavy and reluctant; as if his body is rebelling against the idea of leaving. It’s always like this. Taemin hates having to fight with himself to move. Kibum is getting further and further away, and might possibly get lost, while he trudges treacle-slow away from a view he can see every day.

The sun is bright in the sky as Taemin forces his limbs to move. Kibum can’t have gone far, he doesn’t like the sun very much. Though, the moment that thought crosses Taemin’s mind, he wonders where it came from; Kibum has never complained about the sun or being outdoors. Did he make an assumption based on Kibum’s fair skin?

There, in the distance, he sees Kibum.

But instead of relief, he just feels a dread he can’t understand.

Kibum is standing in the water, his face turned up towards the sun. He’s got his shoes in one hand and his jeans rolled up, the way Taemin can never remember to. He looks calm, peaceful.

Taemin wants to call out to him, but his lungs, his mouth, his throat, none of them work.

The longer Kibum stands in the sun, the more crystalline he appears; as if he’s made of the same cosmic stuff as the sun and the sea. Perhaps that’s why Taemin loves him so much.

It takes all of his strength to make his voice audible, to say just one word. “Kibum!”

At the sound of his name, Kibum turns away from the sun and looks at him. His eyes are warm and kind and so full of sorrow that Taemin can drown in them. His heart is sinking, breaking. He knows then that this is the end, that Kibum is saying goodbye to him, that no matter what he says he’ll lose him too.

The ice cold water over his feet.

*

Taemin wakes with a jolt.

The shock dissipates quickly, leaving only weariness. He’s dreamt this dream before.

*

“Taemin-kun! Taemin!”

Taemin opens his bleary eyes, annoyed. Toriko is standing over him, his hand still tapping Taemin’s shoulder even though he’s already awake. The house better be on fire, Taemin thinks uncharitably; he got back from the dance studio at 4am and slithered his exhausted body straight into bed and nothing less than a fire is getting him out.

“What?”

“You were dreaming.”

“What?”

“Are you okay, Taemin-kun?”

This is far too confusing far too early in the morning. Why wouldn’t he be okay? Why has Toriko woken him up? “What are you talking about?”

“It’s just… you were crying.”

There’s a denial on Taemin’s tongue – he dreamt of his favourite things, why would he be crying – but he rubs his eyes and it’s true, they’re wet. He must have been loud too, if Toriko could hear him from his room. “Sorry.”

*

His fingers find wetness under his eyes.

Taemin sighs and wipes the remnants of his tears away. He hopes he didn’t wake Kibum; it’s a little ridiculous to be dreaming of him like this when he’s right there in the same bed. He reaches out in the dark, feeling for Kibum, but his fingers only reach sheets that have lost their residue of human warmth.

With a sigh, Taemin gives up on the idea of sleep. His body is still tired and pleasantly achy from last night, though he doesn’t feel particularly well-rested; the thick curtains don’t let any light in, but he suspects it’ll be dark even if they were open. This is only his second time in Kibum’s room, in Kibum’s apartment, but he’s already able to tell – from the light, from the ambient sounds – that it’s early morning. But more importantly, where is Kibum?

He wraps the blanket around himself as he gets out of bed. Kibum probably wouldn’t approve of the way the edges trail on the floor and pick up dog fur, but he shouldn’t have left Taemin alone and cold like this. As his eyes adjust to the dim light, he notices that the bedroom is just slightly ajar. He pushes it open just a little more and peeps out.

There he is.

Kibum is standing by the largest window of his living room, wrapped in a robe and sipping a cup of coffee. His hair is slightly tousled and he’s not wearing any make-up; his back is ever so slightly curved and his shoulder blades are two visible ridges through the robe.

He’s beautiful.

Taemin stays hidden in the shadows of the bedroom.

Kibum looks just like he did in Taemin’s dream; calm and peaceful. This time, the sight doesn’t bring dread to Taemin’s heart, only fondness. He doesn’t know much about Kibum, about his past relationships or the struggles he faces, but he sees their effects. There is always a distance to Kibum, a wall that he’s never lowered as far as Taemin has seen.

He’s smart and witty and sharp in a way Taemin isn’t; he’s clever with his hands and stronger than he seems. He’s good at navigating and great at cooking and he can make people like him as easily as a cat lands on all fours. He’s a talented writer, he has a way with words even though he claims that words don’t come as easily to him as photography does. He’s kind, even though he pretends he isn’t, and Taemin has never felt as drawn to a person as much as he does to Kibum.

He just wishes that Kibum could see himself through his eyes; maybe then he wouldn’t feel the need to keep parts of himself hidden away. Maybe then he’d let Taemin see him just being himself the way he is now.

Kibum’s puppy, Comme des, comes toddling to Kibum’s side dragging a toy that’s bigger than him.

“Is that for Appa?” Kibum asks, nudging the toy with his foot. “Did you bring a present for Appa? Where is your brother?”

Taemin opens the door a little wider, looking for the black pup named Garcons, and the it creaks loudly.

“Oh, Taemin-ah?” Kibum’s voice for him is the same one he uses for the pups, Taemin realises. “Did we wake you up?”

Taemin shakes his head, having to come out of hiding now that he’s been discovered. “Can I have coffee too?”

“Sure, have a seat and I’ll bring it over.”

Kibum disappears into the kitchen and Taemin flops onto Kibum’s couch. His eyes are still tired and he wants to close them for a moment, but Comme des brings his toy to him now. He looks exactly like Eve did as a puppy and for a moment Taemin remembers being eleven years old, playing with his new puppy on Christmas morning as the scent of his mother’s coffee filled the air.

“Come here,” Taemin says, patting his lap. Comme des doesn’t seem to understand; he pushes the toy on Taemin’s foot and barks at him.

“Yah, don’t make noise,” Kibum says sharply. He walks towards the couch, a cup of coffee in each hand, with Garcons following him and nipping at trailing belt of his robe.

“He’s a baby,” Taemin says in Comme des’ defence.

“You have to train them when they’re young,” Kibum replies, handing Taemin his coffee and sitting down beside him. More than the coffee, Taemin is glad for Kibum’s presence; he takes the opportunity immediately, laying his head on Kibum’s shoulder. Kibum huffs, but Taemin speaks Kibum well enough now to know that this is a pleased huff. “Did you sleep well?”

“Mmmm,” Taemin replies, non-committal.

“So… you said you had nothing planned for the day, right?”

“Mmm.”

“I don’t have anything planned either, so I thought we could take a drive down to Sokcho.”

That’s unexpected. “Sokcho?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’ll be too cold to get in the water, but if we bundle up we still walk on the beach. And it’s not the same as being in Okinawa, but you can still see the sea, I guess?”

Oh.

Taemin’s heart aches, surging with nameless feelings for Kibum. It is true, he had spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with his family, and yesterday with Kibum, and he’s starting to feel that edge that comes with being away from the sea, but it was something he was willing to endure to spend another day with Kibum; though, he’s come to realise, being with Kibum dulls the knife-edge of that need to something far more bearable.

Perhaps someday he’ll tell Kibum about his hyung, the hyung whose memories fill every corner of Seoul that Taemin knows and whose shadow falls over Taemin whenever he goes, sees, does something familiar that he’ll never do with him again. He can’t breathe in Seoul because he can’t escape these memories – and it feels wrong to even want to escape them – but it’s easier to breathe with Kibum because his Seoul is different from Taemin’s. There are no memories in the places Kibum takes him other than the ones they make together.

One day, when he finds the words, he’ll tell Kibum.

And maybe by then, Kibum will find the words to tell him the things he keeps hidden too.

“Okay,” Taemin says. He would have been happy just to stay indoors all day with Kibum, eating and ing and sleeping, but he’s willing to follow Kibum wherever he wants to go.

“There’s this restaurant that’s just outside of Sokcho, it does traditional Korean food like herbal soup and stewed crab, and it’s bleeding expensive, but it’s my treat since I didn’t get you anything for Christmas.”

Kibum had turned red when Taemin had given him a YSL sweater for Christmas. Taemin still hasn’t told him that it’s a fan gift passed to him by one of the DreamCT members; but that’s okay, he’ll let Kibum buy them lunch and insist on paying for dinner later on and they’ll be square.

“Okay,” he agrees, nuzzling into Kibum’s shoulder. “But let’s stay like this for a while.”

“Don’t fall asleep on me,” Kibum warns, but when Taemin closes his eyes he feels Kibum’s lips press a kiss on top of his head.

XXXXX

Merry Christmas!

here's a little gift from me for the season! I hope you like it :) 

and if you want to give me a wee gift in return, well, the comments are always open ;p

love, 

sherleigh