Since two weeks ago, three (or sometimes four) days of my week I’ve been spending for being a babysitter in one of my neighbor’s house. I didn’t really need the money (even though I like receiving money) but rather than that, I feel like I need to spend my time with more activities.

Mrs. Jung is kind enough to let me babysit her 4 years old son. She runs a family restaurant in the city center and decides to spare some time to supervise it while her husband is working overseas. Despite my lack of basic babysitter ability, Mrs. Jung is comprehend and let me learn a little by little. Also, his son is quiet easy to handle. I can only amaze at how Mrs. Jung raises her son well.

“I will be here at 10,” Mrs. Jung informs as she wears her coat. I help bringing her purse to the door. “The earliest,” she rolls her eyes.

I giggle, “It’s okay, I’ll be just right here until someone comes home and made sure everything is under control,” I smile, calming her down and she seems relieved to hear that.

She bumps her cheeks to mine while saying goodbye and then I am watching her car go further from home.

I was watching The Knight and Day when I heard the door was unlock from the outside. I stand up immediately to see if it the owner of the house or not. I find the body of the man who unlocked the door before, sitting on the floor, trying to take off his shoes and puts them on the rack.

“Oh, hey, Jaehyun,” parts of me relieve it was just Jung Jaehyun, the second child of Jung’s family. The other part of me is nervous because I can feel the awkwardness from both of us every time we saw each other outside school.

He only waves and roams, passing me. He walks to the kitchen and unknowingly I just follow along.

“Uhm hey, since you’re here, I know I should’ve just leave but can I ask for your permission to stay?” I ask, already forgetting the nervous system on my nerves.

He was drinking a bottle of water from the fridge when I came to him uninvited. He gives me look as if asking me, Why the hell do I need to stay at his house?

“There’s a movie I really like, playing on the TV. It’s already run for almost a half and I guess I wouldn’t make it home right before it ends later,” I inform.

He’s thinking for a sec and just comes out with, “I don’t see why you can’t,” and shrugs at me.

“Ah,” I awkwardly smile, “Well, thanks then,” I turn and walk back to the couch in the living room. Only this time, I properly sit and not laying on it like before, now that the owner of the house is already home.

I could hear Jaehyun walks toward the other side of the house and two times hearing the sound of door clicking, before later I hear the sound of water falls. I guess he’s taking a shower then.

Jaehyun and I was former school mates in middle school. Just like me and a little number of friends, we attended the same high school. I’ve known him from the kindergarten though but as the years passing by, we became more and more distant to each other.

I remembered we never go to the same class since middle school until now. If we ever bump to each other in cafeteria or corridor we just silently nod if our eyes met accidentally but most of the time we just walked like nothing’s happened.

Only when I started to take this job, I remember the past when we used to play together as a child. He used to be  a cute little bear because of how chubby he was. Did I say cute? Well, he was. Right now, he’s just like the typical high school boys.

I was focusing on how Tom Cruise ran through the roofs of Paris and escaped by jumping to the river when Jaehyun’s voice surprised me.

“Have you eaten?” he shortly asks. I turn to see he’s walking towards the couch with some leftover pizza on his hand. I give him a nod and realize he decides to join me in the couch.

Instinctively, I distant myself even though we’re sitting on the different side of the couch, leaving an enough space for two people sit between us.

“Pizza,” he says as he puts it down on the table in front of us, “It’s cold, by the way,” he explains. He just take it from the fridge without even bothering to reheat it. I stares at him confused but he seems like he’s enjoying his cold pizza with a can of cola on another hand.

Gross, silently I mutter and decide to focus back on the movie. We’re spending our time quietly and I’m aware of how awkward it is to be present with another person in a room without even talking to each other.

I take a chance to look at Jaehyun who is now completely comfort in his white oversized tee and a pair of big size basketball pants.

“Uh, why do you have to train in the evening?” trying to break the ice, I completely dare myself to take the initiative. It’s not like I didn’t know him in the first place.

Jaehyun shows sign of being astonished by me who suddenly ask him out of nowhere. “Are you talking about the basketball team?” he asks back which I reply with a nod.

He shrugs, “I don’t know, the coach told us to. I guess because it’s empty in the evening and quieter so you can focus more,” he takes another pizza from the table.

“I see,” looking away from him, I watch how Cameron Diaz was trying to fool the villains only for her to kidnapped by them. I see it doesn’t work, trying to melt the situation with Jaehyun. Also I have feeling he doesn’t really want to talk to me. He just sit there for politeness.

“Why are you taking the job?” after a moment, Jaehyun finally speaks up to me which startled me as well. “Are you, uhm sorry, sort of..” he tries to find a right word but I decline right away.

“It’s not about the money,” Quickly I explain and his mouth forms a big A while he nods at the same time.

Since I’m not coming with further explanation, Jaehyun infers to ask more. “So why?”

Looking back at him, I shrug the way he shrugged at me before. “Just because I want to,” I can see he’s unsatisfied with my answer but seems like he understands enough not to go far.

We don’t bother to continue the conversation. I watch as Tom Cruise wakes up in a bed at hospital and realizes it might be not long enough for him to stay alive, Cameron Diaz in disguise as a nurse come to rescue him.

“Some time I wonder if anyone would come to me, drug me, and just take me to Cape Horn,” I says, don’t mean to spoil the end of the movie.

“Huh?” Jaehyun turns to me with confused face.

“Have you ever thought to escape?” I asks. He replies shortly, “From what?”

“I don’t know. Life?”

Jaehyun stares at me blankly and then he just looks at me in more concerned manner. “Don’t tell me you’re suicidal,”

I shakes my head, “No. Not to that extent,”

“Sometimes I just want to run somewhere, to another place that I’ve never been before. Meet people I’ve never known,” I lean back to the chair, “Find somewhere I can fit in easily,”

“Yo, I don’t know what happen but looks like you're face to face with a lot of burdens in life. I’m here to say I’m not the right person to be with in this kind of moment,” Jaehyun states and I dryly laugh.

“Talking to professionals or at least, your friends might help,” he adds.

I nod but then I shake my head, “No, I don’t think my friends will understand,” I murmur quietly but Jaehyun still can catch it though.

“Why do you think they can’t help? Didn’t friends understand each other?”

I sneer, “Not if you the only person who is different,”

“Haah.. why am I talking to you?” I try to end the conversation that way and stand to then pack my stuff.

While I’m silently roll up charger cable, Jaehyun suddenly says, “Don’t compare your life to others,”

I look at him, frown and is disagree with him. “It’s not about comparing my life to others,” I reply.

“In some parts of the time, you realized as much as the efforts you try to catch up with other and try to fit in, you just can’t,” I put my books and laptop in my bag pack. “I’m sick to hear people say not to compare your life with others while in fact, you have no choice but to do it,”

“No, you don’t,” Jaehyun retorts.

I snort, “Yes, we do. Have you ever take a shower, sing, and imagine like you’re the rock star on stage? Or may be some kind of basketball player who wins every game or something?”

“Like I’m not asking to be born this way and not that I’m complaining but why can’t I be like, at least, like my friends? I want to be the one who experience things and tells them story, not the one who listens or pretends to play on my phones when I feel left out,” I take a moment to breathe. Suddenly I feel so tensed up and already in the edge  to explode.

I stare at my bag pack longer than necessary and aware I might spill too much than I should. But I can take my words back.

“Why did you even feel like an outcast between friends? What story you cannot tell?” I know he’s just oblivious but the ignorance in his words only irks me more. He makes it likes I was the only person who feel that way.

Putting the bag on my back, I reply, “I don’t know. Story like how’s your first kiss or something,” I walk nonchalantly towards the front door. Not only I missed the ending of my favorite movie, I also had to deal with unintended mood swing while walking home. Why did I try to talk anyway? It’s only hurting me in the end.

“So, is this all just for a stupid kissing story?”

I can hear Jaehyun growls in the back and I cannot help but feeling to point more argument to him.

“No, you don’t understand, it’s not about th-”

I wasn’t expecting anything while talking to him before. I should have realized I wasn’t in my right mind and I should have stopped before I spilled so much.

I blink and my mind is still processing about what just happened when my words got cut off before.

“Go tell your friends about it,” Jaehyun says but I still cannot fully process. He left me gaping at the front door of his house and internally screaming in horror.

Oh my god, I just had my first kiss.