She glances over to the clock on her bedside table as the minutes hand slowly inches. Once the clock strikes 12, she lets out a sigh, another year of life. To most, a birthday is a special, happy occasion. To some, they dread it as they come to terms with their own mortality. And to others, a birthday is just another passing day. To Sooyoung, this particular birthday is unwanted.

Ask her any time before, she wouldn’t mind birthdays, especially because she could spend it with her loved ones. Sure, she wasn’t that excited about it, but every year a certain blonde would make her look forward to this day more than anything else. This year, however, there was no Jinsoul.

Sitting up as she felt her phone vibrating, the influx of happy birthdays coming in from her friends, she didn’t bother to even look at them, because none of them were from her. A familiar pain creeped into her chest as she stared blankly at the wall in front of her. No matter how many months have passed, she still couldn’t get over the hurt she felt. She couldn’t get over the memories. She couldn’t get over the love of her life.

Feeling the sting in her eyes, she felt what better time than now to torture herself, and walked over to her desk in the room. Pulling out the top drawer she longingly glances at the stack of light blue construction paper, there’s about 12 sheets, and grabs the top sheet, closing the drawer with her hips as she plops onto her chair. Why Jinsoul used blue construction paper instead of regular paper, which would be easier to write one, is beyond her, but it was her thing, and she could never judge the girl’s antics. Plus, she loves her.

She looks over and reads what’s on the paper, eyes welling up even more as she remembers how the blonde would scribble away on it throughout the year, but refused to let her see it. The little hearts and random animals drawn on it brings her to put on a small smile, even if it’s sad. It's almost childlike, but it was her charm. The innocence of the blonde that made her heart swell.

Every year, since they first met, Jinsoul would write her a birthday letter and a “Fun things we’ll do while you’re __ years old” list. It was adorable, and every year, like clockwork, Jinsoul would show up at her house at 12am just to give it to her. In the latter years, Jinsoul would wrap her arms around her and give her a soft peck as she handed Sooyoung the paper. The feeling Sooyoung would get seeing Jinsoul’s glimmering eyes as she read it was by far the best she’ll ever feel. No other gift could compare to just having Jinsoul be in her life. But this year, there was no new letter, there was no to-do list. There was no Jinsoul.

Not realizing that her tears have escaped, Sooyoung continues reading the list, knowing that they never got to finish all that was on it. For Sooyoung’s 22nd birthday, Jinsoul wanted to visit Japan with her, she wanted to go scuba diving even though Jinsoul was afraid of the water. She wanted them to finally get puppy, that one was very close to happening. There were trivial things like “Make Sooyoung eat 22 watermelons for the heck of it.” and “Spend 22 days telling Sooyoung I love her 22 times per day.” It seemed like every year Jinsoul would add more and more things to do, even though she would’ve definitely run out of space. Every new bullet point was like a spear into her heart as she knew they would never get to do the things on this list.

She will never get to finish the list. She will never get a new list. She will never get to be with Jinsoul again. Leaning back, she allowed the tears to fall unbothered, no sense in wiping them away if they’re just going to continue streaming down her face. She finds it quite ironic actually. Jinsoul would be the one making sure they completed everything before getting a new one. Jinsoul was the one who told her that no matter what, they’ll finish everything and start a new one every year. Yet, it’s because of Jinsoul that this will never happen.

But she can’t blame her, obviously. She can’t blame anyone, not that she would. No, all she could do was curse the world for taking away the best thing in her life. She’d trade everything, anything, to just have Jinsoul back in her life. To just have Jinsoul in her arms again. But life is cruel, and no matter how many birthday wishes she makes, Jinsoul isn't coming back.

This year, for Sooyoung this birthday is unwanted. Because this year, Jinsoul wasn’t here.