AGE FOUR TO SIX

 

Heejin’s parents enroll her at the local Catholic private school to strengthen her faith and to cultivate her sense of religion, belonging, and morality. There, Heejin learns about the principles of Catholicism, sings songs about God and the Bible, with cute and memorable choreography to go with it. Every Friday she attends church with her schoolmates and celebrates the paschal mystery of Christ. It doesn’t mean much to her—all that matters to her is that her friends would sit next to her so that they could occupy each other during the mundane hour. (It isn’t until she is in second grade does she see the importance of paying attention during mass. And plus, the priest gives out prizes for students who could answer his questions about the gospel during his homily.)

 

(Scarily like Pavlov’s Dogs study, the conditioning it takes to be a good practicing Catholic is the gradual relationship between behavior and reward. Starting young, it’s dollar bills for being an active participant. Getting older, it’s avoiding eternal damnation.)

 

The real fun is the hour before recess where she watches Veggie Tales with Hyunjin and they sing along to the theme song and watch vegetables act out the scriptures found in the Bible.

 

The first time she meets Hyunjin, Heejin is embarking on her first year of schooling and being away from her mother’s care. At pre-school, Hyunjin is the person to wipe her tears away when her mother turns away from her to leave. Hyunjin’s mother had already dropped her off and assured her that she would be back to get her. Even as a child, Hyunjin had been calm and had an incredible sense of individuality, so, when her mother leaves, she doesn’t feel the fear of abandonment or the scary threat of being away from her. Beside her, however, it is clear that the girl next to her is very much attached to her mother. With tears rolling down her cheeks, Hyunjin doesn’t like how her lips are dragged down by her sadness or how snot is starting to run. In the innocence of being young and selflessly concerned about others, Hyunjin tugs at the girl’s shirt to get her attention.

 

“Don’t cry; your momma’s not leaving you. She’ll come back. Like mine will.”

 

Her little hands wipe away at the wet tear tracks on the girl’s cheeks and uses the bottom of her shirt to clean the snot away.

 

Before they walk to the teacher that was welcoming students in, wordlessly, Heejin grasps for Hyunjin’s hand as if it were her anchor to keep her from crying again.

 

Hyunjin doesn’t question it, doesn’t take her hand away from her.

 

It’s comforting, and at four, it’s what they need to feel less alone.

 

And her mom does come back.

 

From there, Heejin starts trusting Hyunjin as if she were her lifeline.

 

Since then, Heejin has never been alone. Hyunjin has been following her through her school days, playing with her on the swings, playing House with her (Heejin would be the mother, Hyunjin would alternate between the father or the dog, depending on who else would play with them), coloring in the pages of coloring books with her (Heejin liked colored pencils so Hyunjin would use the dull crayons), eating lunch with her (where they would trade their snacks with each other), and working on reading their little books together.

 

One of the times Hyunjin is assigned to sit next to her in kindergarten, she only then notices the dot by Heejin’s eyes and on her cheek. (Back at pre-school, there was so much to be fascinated and distracted by. The moles on her friend’s face never made itself obvious until her wonder had died down.) Grazing her cheek with the pad of her thumb to wipe away the black dot, Heejin is confused as to why her classmate was rubbing at her cheek.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“You have stuff on your cheek. It’s not coming off though.”

 

When Hyunjin her thumb and proceeds with cleaning her friend’s cheek, Heejin tilts her head away to avoid her grooming.

 

“They won’t come off! Momma said that I was born with these!”

 

“Oh! Like the one I have!”

 

And true to her word, there at the corner of Hyunjin’s eye, is a birthmark.

 

“They match!”

 

Before they could rattle off into more conversation, the teacher calls for clean-up time and the two (and their table mates) scramble to clear off their desks the quickest to achieve table points. (At the end of the week, whichever table had the most points had the prize of reaching into the Treasure Box for little goodies or candies. Heejin initially hadn’t been so competitive, but, Hyunjin had and it seemed that that trait had rubbed off on her. It works out for them because their group mates are as equally well-behaved as they are speedy to heed to their teacher’s directions. Their table has been the consecutive winner for the month.)

 

~

 

AGE SEVEN

 

She receives the sacrament of Holy Communion in second grade and it’s the first time she sees Jesus’ sacrifice as the epitome of selflessness and holiness. From there, she grows in Catholicism. She attends mass with her school on Friday’s, goes again on Sunday’s with her family, regularly practices Reconciliation and asks for penance, and strictly lives by her faith.

 

(All of the while, Hyunjin is there with her. Dressed in a pretty white dress like she is for Holy Communion, her seatmate during mass (it was fun during the Our Father—Hyunjin and Heejin would play a game of who could squeeze the tightest and then the pair would share handshakes with others with small crescents on their hands from their fingernails that dug into their skin), and her partner for reading Scripture aloud when it came time for her class to lead the mass with the priest and deacon.)

 

Beside Heejin, her parents are enthused that their daughter is becoming just as consumed by Catholicism as they were. Her mother would read the readings of the day to her every night while she tucked her into bed and her father would teach her psalms and songs that the congregation would sing during mass.

 

Soon enough, at the core of her being, God is there. Indubitably.

 

~

 

AGE ELEVEN

 

In sixth grade, Hyunjin invites Heejin over for a sleepover.

 

Mistaking Hyunjin’s sister’s room as her friend’s, she barges into Hyunjin’s older sister kissing her girl friend on her bed. (Or at least, that was how she introduced her to Heejin. Heejin knows she would never kiss her friends. Hyunjin is a girl after all. And plus, girls kissing girls is wrong. Maybe Hansol, but, he is always awfully awkward around her and a mess of long limbs unproportionate to his height.)

 

It’s the first time Heejin sees gay people in her life. Sure, she had known of people like that, knows how the church frowns upon them. She comes to paint quite the image of them. Unworthy of the sanctity of marriage and active destroyers in the tradition of family and living, she deemed that people like that were people to be avoided.

 

Once finding Hyunjin’s room, Heejin sits on her friend’s bed and smooths out the wrinkles at the foot of it, “I didn’t know that- that your sister was a lesbian.”

 

Hyunjin, who is putting away the clothes that was on her bed, shrugs.

 

“I didn’t think I needed to tell you. And plus, she’s bi.”

 

(Even more grey was the idea of biualism. All Heejin knew was that being so was unnatural.)

 

“Do you think you are? Gay?”

 

Hyunjin shrugs again, “I don’t think I am, but, I don’t know.”

 

(A lie. She thinks she is.)

 

Heejin lies down on Hyunjin’s bed and stares at the popcorn ceiling, “You better not be; I don’t think I could be friends with one!”

 

It sounds like a joke, what with how Heejin laughs after saying it, but, they both know there is truth in her admission.

 

(It terrifies Hyunjin because she doesn’t want to lose Heejin. Sometimes she would find her breathtakingly pretty and no matter how much she tried to ignore it, she has had dreams that implied that they could be more than friends. She wakes up in bliss, thinking that maybe they could work. But now, in this moment, Hyunjin feels in her heart that Heejin would rather the world ending before even considering her in such a way.)

 

(Who could blame Heejin for being raised by her faith and her active participation in church? She could only think of what she knows.)

 

~

 

AGE FOURTEEN

 

Stubbornly, or if Chaewon's speaking, stupidly, Hyunjin finds herself celebrating her tenth friendaversary with Heejin.

 

Fourteen and childishly in love Heejin, Hyunjin would rather spend her time with the girl instead of telling her the truth and having Heejin think she was disgusting. (She doesn’t understand how being around her kills her self-esteem. Chaewon sees it, but, she could only do so much.)

 

In ninth grade, after Hyunjin tells Heejin about her sister’s fourth year anniversary with her girlfriend, Heejin has more structured and pointed views on gay people.

 

“Doesn’t it disgust you? Gay people?”

 

Hyunjin furrows her eyebrows. She could never be disgusted by her sister and her happiness. By love.

 

“No? They’re in love and they make each other happy.”

 

“No, they’re dykes and meaningless to the world.”

 

“Heekkie, don’t talk about them like that. Like my sister, she’s good. She listens to my mom, she does what is right, and she’s not meaningless.”

 

“I don’t get how you’re okay with it. What your sister does is nasty and I hate it.”

 

Hyunjin’s patience and tolerance to getting angry is normally like a snail moving towards its next destination, but, when it concerned the ones she loves, she is much like a ticking time bomb. Heejin is no exception to staying safe from what comes.

 

“I can’t be around you if you’re going to talk like this, Heejin! That’s my family you’re talking about and I won’t tolerate it! She doesn’t deserve it!”

 

It only escalates. A girl with her beliefs and a girl with filial piety come to meet the face of conflict.

 

“You know I’m right, Hyunjin! The Bible said that it’s an abomination for women to lie with another! It’s wrong, Hyunjin!”

 

“The Bible has said a lot of bull, Heejin. That doesn’t mean it’s right!”

 

The rising anger reaches its ceiling and it blows over.

 

(It’s not easy being confronted by the idea that the core of her belief and behavior could be wrong. It’s not easy being stuck between her best friend and her sense of identity.)

 

“Why would my parents lie to me then? What does my faith get out of lying to me? Nothing! They have nothing to gain!”

 

“Then what do I have to gain if I were to tell you that I was? All I can think of is what I’m losing. Do you think it’s fun for me to torture myself with doubt and repression? For me to have actually come close to hating myself?”

 

“You- you’re gay?”

 

The way Heejin looks at her unnerves her. The spite that was in her eyes dies. Instead, concern takes its place. Hearing those words from Heejin makes everything feel more real. Hyunjin can feel how her heart pounds against her chest and how it echoes through her ears. She realizes that her hands are curled into fists, nails digging into her palm to channel the stress she feels knotting up anywhere else. Her stomach is on the floor and Hyunjin wasn’t ready to confront this yet—she only barely got to accepting herself.

 

She feels like she might throw up.

 

Looking at Heejin, Hyunjin thinks about lying and proposing hypotheticals. The coward’s way out looked pretty, but, Hyunjin couldn’t lie—not to Heejin. She knows her too well to see anything but the truth. (And plus, Hyunjin owes it to herself to tell the truth. Her sister has been telling her daily that she’s more than what she thinks, that she deserves more than what she thinks she should. And Hyunjin thinks she deserves this—to be true to herself in front of the person she wanted to be with most.)

 

It’s as if her tongue is stuck in knots, the projection of her voice unwilling to climb the laborious way up . Croaking and quiet and absolutely suffocating in anxiety, Hyunjin barely gets her answer out.

 

“Yes. I am.”

 

Heejin is silent. She takes a deep breath to center herself.

 

She had been taught that homouality was bad and that people who were should be avoided, but, this was Hyunjin. She’s the girl who stuck everything out with her. She defended her from the boy that would tease Heejin by taking away her juice box during lunch time when she was younger, watched all of the dumb princess movies with her that no one ever cared for, stayed awake with her on the phone when Heejin watched a scary movie with Hansol on her first date with him. Hyunjin wasn’t bad. She didn’t need to be taught that; she had learned that all on her own. And she didn’t want to avoid her. If anything, she wanted to keep her in her life.

 

(Heejin doesn’t want to choose between Hyunjin and God. Losing either terrified her.)

 

Taking a timid step towards Hyunjin, the hand that she offers is equally as shy.

 

Hyunjin hadn’t been expecting the olive branch Heejin extends.

 

“If you think you’ll lose me, I need to do a better job at showing you that you won’t. I’m sorry that I said all of those things, but, I can’t help what I believe and what I’ve been taught. And I’m sorry that I’m so confused because all of my life I’ve been taught this one thing, and now, it’s the first time for me to see that it’s wrong and I don’t- I’m scared of accepting the reality that everything I know is wrong.”

 

Holding the hand that was offered to her like an anchor, it’s reflective how the two rely on each other to find comfort and to stay grounded amidst the fear.

 

Heejin pulls her friend into a hug and everything feels okay.

 

(It’s the calm before the storm.)

 

~

 

Throughout the year, Heejin spends copious hours at Hyunjin’s house. Whether it be studying or hanging out, with her time she spends there, Heejin also becomes closer to Hyunjin’s sister and her girlfriend.

 

(At first, she was too unnerved to see her as more than a homoual. Now, she sees that Sooyoung is selflessly caring and protective of Hyunjin, dedicated to fulfilling their mother’s expectations, and a loving and attentive girlfriend to Jinsol.)

 

The longest relationship Heejin knew of outside of her parents and her friends’ parents, Heejin comes to see that Sooyoung and Jinsol are it. Together since their second year of high school, the two are now sophomores in college and while four years doesn’t seem like a lot, her peers could barely stay together for a month. There has to be testament in their commitment.

 

Slowly, Heejin begins to learn that being gay isn’t bad, that uality is uncontrollable and natural.

 

She feels herself become more okay with accepting that and accepting her faith all of the same.

 

(Feelings, as strong as they are, can never be concrete. Perception and feeling are haze-inducing pills to take.)

 

Still, she goes to church every Sunday with her family, but, every Saturday, she spends the time with Hyunjin’s family and Jinsol. (Often, Jinsol would bring along her little sister who adored Sooyoung. Then, her little sister would bring along her friend who was attached to her the way Heejin is with Hyunjin. Hyejoo, coming along with Chaewon, brings her Nintendo Switch, and often, the six would alternate their turns playing Super Smash Bros, Mario Kart, or Overcooked. When Heejin catches Sooyoung giving Jinsol a kiss after winning the prix in Mario Kart, she doesn’t find herself disgusted the way she was three years ago. In fact, she thinks it’s quite cute to see how big Jinsol smiles after it.)

 

So, when Heejin starts feeling a flurry of nerves when Hyunjin tells her she’s pretty for no reason at all, Heejin isn’t terrified at the thought of being gay.

 

(And Hyunjin, she wasn’t discreet nor obvious about her feelings for Heejin. However she was around her was who she was and Hyunjin caring for her and wiping the excess sauce from her lips away is normal. Hyunjin making her laugh when she is feeling down and holding her when she cries later on is normal. Hyunjin kissing her cheek to cheer her up is normal. And the way her heart starts beating for Heejin feels normal. Liking Heejin, Hyunjin thinks, without the circumstances, is the greatest feeling she could ever feel. The circumstances, frankly, are terrifying. Carefully treading the lines of falling for her best friend, liking a girl who was in conflict with her tightly-held religion, and liking her even if she knew Heejin could very well treat her like a stranger after knowing so is a hazardous line to travel.

 

(Hyunjin doesn’t want to be a stranger to Heejin. She couldn’t bear to watch the person closest to her mind her as if was just a passing fad. Because Heejin is anything but that to her. She feels a lot like the one thing Hyunjin wants permanent.)

 

(But, she can’t help liking her. If she could, she would have stopped all of those years ago.)

 

~

 

It’s April and it’s raining cats and dogs. Hyunjin normally waits for her parents to pick her up, but, the condition had been so bad that Heejin begged her mother to call Hyunjin’s to let her know that they would be taking her home.

 

When Heejin stares out of the car window coming home (with her pinky finger linked with Hyunjin’s), she remembers how the two used to play in the rain, unafraid of getting sick.

 

It had been raining enough for water to flood the drain outside in Hyunjin’s backyard. In the eyes of six-year-olds, it’s a glorified massive puddle to jump into. With Hyunjin’s mother’s permission, the two step out barefoot to have their fun in the water.

 

Heejin doesn’t remember much, but, she knows that she was happy, that seeing Hyunjin’s toothy smile was the best part of jumping around in the water.

 

“Remember when your mom let us go outside to jump in water when we were younger?”

 

“And you got sick and your mom grounded you from coming over for two weeks?”

 

The two laugh fondly at the memory. Heejin had gotten a mild cold the next day, but, still she compromises at the fair trade off. (And even though not hanging out with Hyunjin after school put a damper to her mood for the next two weeks, being able to share the memory with her friend is enough.)

 

This time around, feeling like dignified fourteen-year-olds, the pair don’t frolic about in puddles. (Mostly because water doesn’t flood enough in Heejin’s backyard for a small pool to form). Instead, the two are resting in Heejin’s room, watching some teen rom-com. It’s too cheesy for Hyunjin’s liking, but, Heejin loves the fantasy of it. Turning her head that was propped on her hands that supported the back of it, Hyunjin focuses her attention to the girl with stars in her eyes.

 

“Have you had your first kiss?”

 

Realizing Hyunjin’s attention was on her, Heejin tears her eyes away from the screen.

 

“I’d have told you if I got my first kiss.”

 

“Hansol didn’t kiss you?”

 

Heejin shrugs nonchalantly, “I didn’t want to kiss him.”

 

“Is that why he broke up with you?”

 

(Heejin hadn’t told Hyunjin why when it had happened and she never got around to explaining later—Hansol just wasn’t worth their time.)

 

“I think so. He said that it was him and not me, but, I heard from his friends that he got bored.”

 

Hyunjin frowns. Getting bored of Heejin is one of the things Hyunjin could never fathom. That girl is full of wonder and stories and amusement. (Hansol just didn’t appreciate her the way Hyunjin does. But then again, there’s not many people out there that appreciate her the way she does.)

 

“You’re not boring though? I think you’re plenty of fun.”

 

Heejin shrugs and casts her eyes back to the screen.

 

“I guess there’s more definitions for fun than just one.”

 

(Heejin would never say it, but, she worries incessantly if she truly is boring.)

 

(Fourteen is such a fragile age that isn’t treated with the gentleness it deserves.)

 

Unsatisfied with her friend’s dismissal, Hyunjin unravels her arms to tug at Heejin’s shirt. Annoying her until she got her attention, Hyunjin focuses her pretty and attentive eyes to her.

 

“It doesn’t matter whatever the definitions that exist. What matters is that he didn’t deserve to take your first kiss if he didn’t appreciate you. It’s supposed to be with someone special and someone you trust—someone who you know will keep you safe after.”

 

With the lights off, the main characters of the movie kissing each other in the rain at the end of the football game after an iconic one-liner, and with how Hyunjin’s look at her, Heejin’s heart thrums in her chest and she doesn’t have the will to stop the words that come from her.

 

(Heejin didn’t have to think twice about it. Hyunjin appreciated, respected, and cherished her enough for Heejin to feel valued and special.)

 

“S- someone like you?”

 

(Heejin doesn’t know when she started liking Hyunjin, but, she realizes she likes her during their first homecoming dance. Hyunjin asks her to dance with her when Heejin sees that Hansol had asked some girl from another grade to dance with him. While everyone danced with their toes far apart from each other, the two danced close enough for Heejin to smell the faint scent of the vanilla perfume Hyunjin had put on. The Holy Spirit, as it seems for them, slimmed down because the supervising teachers don’t tell them to make space for it. (Little did they know.) All Heejin remembers is thinking about how pretty she looks, even with how dim the lights are. She remembers how sweaty her hands are when she wraps her arms around Hyunjin’s neck.

 

It’s the thundering thump of her heart that tells her.

 

If only Fifth Grade Heejin could see her now. Heejin thinks Past Her would be having an existential crisis had Heejin not learned to accept the idea of being gay.)

 

(If only Present Heejin could see and accept how her heart wrestles at the fight between herself and her religion. Ignorance could only grasp at loose strands for so long.)

 

Hyunjin isn’t normally nervous around Heejin—she had gotten over that in eighth grade. Sometimes, Heejin had her moments where she could make her blush, but, Hyunjin became accustomed to how she gets around her friend.

 

This is one of those moments where her heart goes haywire and her mind gets tossed into a mess of nerves and scrambled words. Hyunjin feels something great on the horizon, like any of the words she can choose to say will determine the outcome of a larger future. Her heart is knocking at her chest and adrenaline starts rushing through her veins. Hyunjin thinks that this could be it for her—for them.

 

“Exactly- exactly someone like me.”

 

At this point, their faces are already edging closer and closer. Their noses are proximate enough for Hyunjin to feel the whistle of air that blows through Heejin’s. Scared still, Hyunjin’s hands are iced to the bed, grasping at the blankets, trying to find anything to anchor her to the corporeal world. It isn’t until Heejin’s hands come to hold hers to relax hers does Hyunjin feel her chest exhaling—she didn’t even know she had stopped breathing.

 

“You’re special to me. And I trust you. With everything in me.”

 

“Are you sure you want me as your first kiss?”

 

(It would leave her absolutely distraught if Heejin kisses her and regrets it after. Hyunjin thinks that that would shatter any resolve she had left.)

 

But, it doesn’t seem like Heejin would regret it because the girl’s other hand runs through Hyunjin’s hair.

 

(That always calmed her down.)

 

“I don’t want it to be anyone else, Hyunjin. I want it to be you.”

 

And so, with the air around them pulling them into intimacy, under the hazy influence of falling in love on the silver screen, they press their lips together and it’s awkward and short. It’s timid and full of nerves. But, it’s b with care and affection. Heejin kisses her again and it’s a little longer—not as messy—their lips coming together again to find the right rhythm.

 

(Heejin thinks she needs to work on her stamina and increasing her lungs’ capacity because she gets out of breath much sooner than she would like.)

 

Pulling away, Hyunjin giggles and Heejin knows that it’s not ill-intentioned. Instead, it feels like playing in the rain, blowing the furs of dandelions away to carry their wishes, picking at grass blades to trace words on Hyunjin’s skin with them. Hyunjin pulls her into her arms and buries her face into her neck and it feels safe in her arms, like nothing could ever pop their bubble of comfort and security.

 

But, that doesn’t make feelings concrete because Heejin’s mother pulls at her door and if Heejin hadn’t just spent the last minute kissing Hyunjin, she wouldn’t have abruptly pushed Hyunjin away, wouldn’t feel a creeping shame plaguing her.

 

“Heejin, it’s so dark in your room! How can you see anything?”

 

(It reassures her like no other to know that her mother didn’t catch Hyunjin snuggling into her. Still, there is a lingering feeling of something bad tainting her mood.)

 

“Um- we were watching a movie so we didn’t need them on! I’m all about saving energy!”

 

A little weirded out, her mother frowns at her before telling the two that dinner is ready downstairs.

 

Hyunjin thinks that while she shared her first kiss with someone special, someone she trusted, she can’t help but to think that Heejin won’t stay to keep her safe.

 

(Hyunjin knows the tight grasp fear has on her.)

 

(Hyunjin never said it, and probably never will, but, her heart needs safekeeping too.)

 

She expects to hear the worst, to have Heejin push her away. But, it’s the exact opposite. The girl opens her arms and her eyes are kind.

 

(She wants to keep her safe.)

 

“I’m sorry I pushed you away like that. My mom just scared me.”

 

“She has caught us snuggling before? We’ve always snuggled each other to sleep.”

 

“Yeah she’s caught us snuggling before, but, never did we kiss before snuggling. And, I guess, a part of me is still adjusting because I felt so...scared in that moment. For me, for you. For us. I don’t want them to separate us. Because they will. If they knew, Hyunjin, if they knew I liked you, I don’t think I’d ever see you again.”

 

Hyunjin had only ever dreamt of Heejin saying the words that would tell her that her heart reciprocated hers. It feels a lot like a nightmare when Heejin says them now. The circumstances warp her dream into a grim and terrible nightmare called reality and Hyunjin wishes she could bathe in how good it feels to know Heejin liked her back, but, the fear of her being taken away from her, simply because of how they felt, is enough to shock her back to reality.

 

“We’ll just have to be more careful next time, Hyunjin.”

 

The idea of a “next time” is charming. Kissing Heejin for a next time is the thought that Hyunjin falls asleep to, and with Heejin’s arms around her, everything feels as it should.

 

~

 

For the next two months during their sleepovers, Hyunjin falls asleep with the taste of Heejin’s chapstick on her tongue and the warm satisfaction of having the girl she likes holding her to sleep.

 

Dreams could never compare to how good it feels to have Heejin in real life. Hyunjin thinks nothing could ever compare to how comforting it is to have her.

 

But, the realities of life don’t shield her away from the harsh tragedies of truth the way dreams do. The shrouding glow of their hazy dream is shattered in the span of thirty minutes.

 

(The storm arrives after the calm and the destruction is absolutely devastating.)

 

The first night of summer break, it starts with Hyunjin going home with Heejin to sleepover and it moves to the pair retiring to Heejin’s room to watch a television show (which just turns into kissing in between the advertisements—and then kissing during the episode). There isn’t necessarily a label tying them together, but, there was no doubt that they were the only ones on each other’s minds.

 

(Something about the official nature of calling Hyunjin her girlfriend ravages at Heejin, terrifies her. The words of Leviticus ruminate around in her mind every time when Hyunjin falls asleep for the night, “If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act.”

 

And Heejin wants to be good—doesn’t want to sin or lie, doesn’t want to face the fury of damnation. The last time she went to confession, she lied to the priest when she confessed and hid Hyunjin like a dirty secret. How could she face her greatest fear while confessing to the man who is supposed to be talking with the power of God in him? She couldn’t even accept herself, why would God?

 

As much as she didn’t want to believe it—didn’t want to accept it—so much of her heart turned black at the presence of the truth. She was, is, an abomination. And facing the truth that some of the greatest people she knew were purposely living a life of sin, of being gay, toyed with her and put her into the winding tangled mess of conflict.

 

Because Sooyoung is so compassionate, Jinsol is equally caring, and Hyunjin is everything good and beautiful about life. But, at the same time, for intentionally committing to the unnatural lifestyle that they have, an overwhelming part of her remembers the Word of the Bible.

 

Heejin wants to be good.

 

(She wants to be okay and to accept who she was, but, the weight of the world holds her back.)

 

Splintered by the way she feels and her faith, all Heejin wants to do is curl into herself and hide away from the world. Running away wouldn’t solve her problems, but, certainly, they wouldn’t be keeping her awake at night. Sometimes, it feels like she can escape when she’s with Hyunjin. Yet, as soon as the girl is lulled to sleep by Heejin’s steady breathing, the other girl can’t help the turmoil that knots within her.

 

If she didn’t have to choose—if she could comfortably be herself and have her faith—Heejin thinks that she would be the happiest she could ever imagine being. She aches for the day when she learns to loves herself again.)

 

(That was another difference between Fifth Grade Heejin and Ninth Grade Heejin. Fifth Grade Heejin actually loved herself.)

 

Kissing Hyunjin is nice. It’s warm and comfortable and she makes her feel safe and precious. It’s a dream being with her. But, their dream is bombed by the sudden opening of Heejin’s door. The shrapnels of it are blown away and its pieces litter the floor of her room, rattle against her walls, and pierce and twist through Heejin and Hyunjin’s hearts.

 

(There’s no returning from the scars it will leave behind.)

 

Heejin didn’t know if being gay was her worst fear or if being found out was worse. When her mother looks at her with shock in her eyes and a tint of hatred tinging them, Heejin thinks that having her mother looking at her in such disappointment is a formidable opponent against the two. When her mother kicks Hyunjin out, the other girl can barely reach for her phone on Heejin’s bedside table. When Hyunjin looks behind her as she leaves, she only catches Heejin’s downcast eyes, her body painfully stiff and tense.

 

(Hyunjin knows that this changes everything. Walking out of her house and texting her mother to pick her up, Hyunjin cries sitting on the curb in front of Heejin’s house.

 

She doesn’t know if she’s crying because of fear for Heejin and herself or if she’s mourning the loss of Heejin’s shining presence in her life.)

 

(It’s both because she knows that when the next day comes, Heejin will only be a shell of herself and that she’ll be further away from her than the next galaxy to the Milky Way. Heejin might have fooled herself, thinking that she was okay with being gay, but, Hyunjin knew better. She saw the fear in her eyes when Heejin talked to her mother, the quick trepidation that flashed whenever Sooyoung and Jinsol greeted her, the anxiety that weighed on her every night that they were together. It’s selfish, but, Hyunjin never had the strength to lift the weight away. She was too consumed in the pleasure of having her heart’s feelings being returned and she clawed and pleaded for her dream to stay.

 

She knows she should have done something.

 

She should have kept Heejin safe.)

 

When Hyunjin’s mother picks her up, she chooses not to question the tear tracks on her daughter’s cheeks and only offers a tissue and a reminder on her open arms.

 

(Hyunjin cries into them at two in the morning and it’s like she can feel the stray pieces of shrapnel lodged into Hyunjin’s heart. It pains her, achingly and devastatingly. But, what could she do? Hyunjin wouldn’t tell her what happened, would never disclose the details of her pain and anger. She had the habit of wanting to be strong and ignoring the moments where she was anything else. Parenthood is the hardest thing she has ever had to endure, but, she would do it all over again because her daughters are her treasure, her heart.)

 

Being in Heejin’s room with her mother scrutinizing her, it feels as if the girl had been blasted to another realm of living. It’s cold and isolated and lonely and she hates how weak it makes her feel.

 

Heejin’s mother closes her door and her voice is low and quiet—a telltale sign of anger.

 

“Look at me, Heejin.”

 

Heejin would rather look in the eyes of Medusa before she looks into her mother’s, but, rough hands tug at her chin and force her face up, and with how Heejin turns to stone, her mother might as well have been the Greek Gorgon monster.

 

Her voice is like metal and pelts at her like bullets.

 

“I am disappointed in you, Heejin. You know that homouality is a sin.”

 

“I’m- I’m sorry, mom.”

 

“You shouldn’t be apologizing to me, Heejin! God has given you life, died for your sins! And you repay Him like this! It’s disgraceful! We raised you better than this!”

 

Heejin can’t help the tears that start to blur her vision, “I can’t help it, mom! I didn’t want to like- I didn’t want to like girls. I know it’s wrong; I know that it’s a sin.”

 

“It’s an abomination, Heejin.”

 

When Heejin raises her voice, it cracks under the strain of fear and panic and crying, “I know that I’m a up, mom! I know that I’m revolting!”

 

Watching her daughter cry unnerves her mother. At least Heejin knew the truth. She could change. She can be different—holy again. And as her mother, it was her responsibility to fix her. For her duty and loyalty to God and the Bible, her daughter will be better again. She will return her to her faith and she won’t accept anything else.

 

“I won’t tell your father about this; I will make something up. We can fix you, Heejin. There’s places that can make you pure again.”

 

Being gay can’t be fixed, Heejin knows this. But, God, she wants to believe that she can be. And faith has taken her everywhere. With her mother by her side and Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and God guiding her, she forces herself to think that she will become someone her mother will be proud of again, someone who she’ll love again.

 

Heejin packs her bags the same night caught in a whirlwind of pain dulled into a nagging tug at her heart. Hyunjin texts her to check up on her.

 

Aeongie ＾ ▽ ＾ : heekkie, i’m here for you if you need me

 

(Normally, that would calm her heart’s stress and put her to ease, but, the mere thought of her makes Heejin want to vomit.)

 

She hovers over the red text that pops up, thinks about how blocking Hyunjin feels a lot like cutting the tie that tethers them together.

 

It scares Heejin how much she wants to snip it and annex the girl from her life.

 

(It scares her even more when she considers how her life would have turned out without Hyunjin. Certainly, there would be less grief and pain and confusion. But, a part of her wonders if she would have been as happy as Hyunjin made her, wonders if she would have felt lonely without her by her side throughout all of her days.)

 

(Her heart’s pain is too great to see the gleaming silver lining in having Hyunjin in her life.)

 

Tapping at it, there is a startling peace that comes with knowing Hyunjin couldn’t contact her anymore.

 

(Heejin doesn’t know if it’s to protect herself or the girl that she almost came to love.)

 

All Heejin thinks of is how she will become clean again and renewed of her sins. The all-forgiving God will accept her repentance and penance, and maybe, she will come to forgive herself.

 

(If only Heejin could accept that she couldn’t be forced to change.)

 

~

 

Heejin reads the pamphlet that her mother hands to her. Written in white and boarded by the purple colors of Lent, “Straighten Up: Fixing the Imperfections!,” titles the program that she waits for. It’s obvious to her that the pamphlet targets people her age, if the fun text and sad attempt to humor was any indication. Frankly, she is too tired to care about the tacky design of the pamphlet and only focuses on getting better.

 

When Heejin looks at her phone, she thinks of the good morning text Hyunjin would have already sent to her by now. (Hyunjin never missed a day and it has been three years).

 

But, receiving a text from a blocked number would be hard to accomplish. And plus, her mother had deleted Hyunjin’s number off of it in the morning and made sure to cut off any connections with her, treating Hyunjin like an infection that had crept its way to her daughter’s heart. (She was only ensuring that the impurity wouldn’t stain more than it already has.)

 

Arriving at the building, its walls are white with quotes from the Scripture written in cursive at the top of the doorway that welcomes them in.

 

Meeting with the counselor there, Heejin sets the goals she wants to have for herself.

 

“I don’t want to like girls anymore. I don’t want to like my friend anymore. I don’t want to sin anymore. I want to be good again.”

 

For the next month, it feels a lot like summer camp. Singing around the fire, bunking with other teenagers going through her same problem, and playing around by the lake, the nightly therapy sessions are the only things reminding her of her goal—as if she could ever forget her fears and her desperate need to fix herself.

 

Somehow, at the end of the two months, Hyunjin is nothing but a stranger to her, a passing face to forget. Heejin feels better. She didn’t miss Hyunjin’s arms around her, nonetheless, ache to feel her lips on hers. In fact, she was content with moving on without ever seeing her again. It’s eventual how her counselor gets her to distance herself from her ex-best friend. It starts with dissociating memories and the past with the present. It ends at getting her to only see Hyunjin for her uality and her lack of motivation to better herself.

 

She’s able to fall asleep at night, the silver cross hanging off of her neck resting against her chest.

 

She’s come to love herself again, just as God has come to forgive her.

 

~

 

AGE FIFTEEN

 

When Heejin steps into high school for the first time as a sophomore, it’s just as underwhelming as it was her freshman year. Nothing like how movies show, everything is mundane and casual. Unlike her first day of preschool, she isn’t crying when her mother drops her off. She also doesn’t have Hyunjin beside her to hold her hand. Heejin grasps the cross layered over her top and lets the edges of it dig into her palm. She shouldn’t be thinking of her. Her counselor had told her that that’s the first step to recession.

 

Heejin wants to move forward. Forward and away from Hyunjin.

 

Heejin’s disappearance from Hyunjin’s life is sudden and all at once. It doesn’t ween off the way a smoker quits cigarettes. It’s cold turkey and it’s absolutely just as difficult living without her as it is quitting everything completely. When Hyunjin sees her walking through the halls, presumably to get to her locker, it’s just her luck that Heejin stops at the one across from hers. Hyunjin doesn’t know if it’s bravery or the desperation of missing her that gets her to make her way to Heejin’s locker.

 

Leaning against the wall of lockers, Hyunjin puts on the smile that she knows Heejin loves. (She had told her that their third night together in between the pauses of kissing her.)

 

“Hi Heekkie! I missed you all summer! How are you doing?”

 

(Heejin wishes she didn’t know that veiled underneath Hyunjin’s cheery disposition is her overbearing concern to make sure that she was okay. How Hyunjin could just ask how the day is treating her for Heejin to know that she was asking if she needed comfort used to make Heejin feel safe and protected.)

 

Slinging h