s u c k s  t o  b e  m e ; 

“We wouldn’t be here if not for your stupid obsession with vacuum cleaners.”

*** ***

Perhaps Donghae had gotten carried away. It was his first day of owning such a slender, state of the art technological device—in other words, a fancy Dyson vacuum cleaner—and he wanted this special day all to himself. Well, kinda. “y,” he’d said as he made payment at the cashier, only a decibel loud enough for himself to hear. He had invited Hyukjae over to bask in the dignified glory of his new purchase with him after, but much to his dismay, Hyukjae couldn’t have cared less. He only came over because Donghae had promised him tteokbokki and a bottle of soju.

Backtrack three hours. Donghae was sitting alone at home, unpacking his new purchase with so much glee, anyone would think he’d won the lottery. And maybe he did win the lottery, if the lottery meant buying himself something that would make house chores less of a hassle. He pulled the long, bubble-wrapped contraption out of its box and laid it on the ground next to him, humming a tune as he chucked the empty box aside.

“Alright, let’s see this baby in action.” Donghae mumbled to himself. He plugged the vacuum cleaner into an unused socket and sighed contentedly at the click, flipping a switch that kicked the vacuum cleaner, which he decided to so affectionately call Rouge because of its deep red coating, into full gear. It made a low humming noise that Donghae swore put him on cloud nine. Just then, the doorbell rang.

“I can’t believe I’m here because of that,” Hyukjae said as he wagged a finger in Rouge’s direction. He closed the door behind him and lounged on the couch, legs outstretched.

“No, you’re here because I promised you food, you prick.” Donghae corrected, louder than he should be because of the noise Rouge made. He dragged Rouge back and forth across the marble flooring, pleased at how specks of dust disappeared under its beater bar.

Donghae began to fiddle with the array of buttons on Rouge’s body, pressing and turning and flipping away. Rouge made all sorts of whirring noises and they, for lack of better phrase, turned him on.

“It’s just a vacuum cleaner, Donghae.” Hyukjae reminded.

“To you,” Donghae replied, mildly annoyed. He’d invited Hyukjae over for one reason; it being him thinking his best friend would appreciate and celebrate his buy with him. Perhaps he was wrong.

Hyukjae straightened up, sighing audibly.

“Alright, alright, no need to get your in a bunch, Lee Donghaek.” Hyukjae said as he stood up and stretched. “I think I’m going to need to take a shower. Dance practice got me all icky and gross. Can I use your bathroom?”

Donghae flipped the switch and instantly Rouge went silent. “Why do you even bother asking, Hyukjae? It’s not like I can say no, and even if I do I’d find you half- dashing towards the bathroom door anyway.”

“God, you’re so touchy today,” Hyukjae said lamentingly as he pulled his muscle tank above his ears. “Maybe a shower would do you good too. Wanna join me?”

“Only if you let me kill you after,” Donghae deadpanned. Hyukjae wasn’t sure if he meant it. “Get going before I you into my vacuum cleaner.”

“I could use a .”

“I’m gonna count to three. One—”

Hyukjae dashed out of the living room, leaving a trail of his clothes behind. The room was silent once again, and Donghae decided he might as well begin cleaning the floor with his fancy red contraption again. He picked up Hyukjae’s stinky clothes and tossed them onto the couch, gliding Rouge back and forth across every nook and cranny of the living room floor.

A whole hour passed before Donghae could declare that Hyukjae had been gone too long. He was never the type to take more than ten minutes in the shower.

“Hyukjae, are you okay?”

No answer. Could Hyukjae have fallen asleep on the toilet seat? Did he slip? Was he even conscious? Donghae began to bang on the door impatiently, praying that his best friend was fine.

“Hyukjae, quit scaring me.”

The door slammed open and out stepped a dripping wet Lee Hyukjae. . Fully and vulnerable, but mostly . Donghae peered through his fingers.

“Why aren’t you covered up, ?!”

“Forgot my towel,” Hyukjae said simply, prancing towards the bedroom for some fabric to clothe himself. At that very moment, Donghae thought it’d be a good idea to mess with Hyukjae, so he flipped the switch on Rouge and followed Hyukjae into the bedroom.

“Here’s that you asked for!” Donghae exclaimed as he picked up his vacuum cleaner and aimed it at a very flustered Hyukjae. Hyukjae drew his hands together in self-defence, groaning irritably as Lee Dumb—Donghae pushed the vacuum cleaner in his face.

“Lee Dong—what the hell are you—Lee Donghae!”

But Donghae didn’t stop. He moved Rouge up and down Hyukjae’s bare body, when all of a sudden.. Plonk. Something had choked up Rouge’s beater bar. Something….long. Maybe slender even.

“LEE DONGHAE!” Hyukjae screamed. “LEE DONGHAE GET MY OUT NOW IT HURTS IT HURTS IT ING HURTS!”

Donghae turned Rouge off and panicked. He knew he couldn’t let go of Rouge because it could possibly break Hyukjae’s in two (three even if the angle was right). He darted his eyes in search of a solution, but to no avail.

“, I’m sorry, Hyukjae, I didn’t mean—”

“I don’t care what you mean, get my out your dumb vacuum cleaner!”

“I can’t!” Donghae cried out. “It’s stuck!”

“ . What do we do?!”

“I don’t know!”

“Think of something!”

Donghae paused, pensive. “We have to go to the ER.”

“What? Like this?! Me with a vacuum cleaner hanging off my crotch?!” Hyukjae screamed, horrified. Going to the ER in full ness was one thing. Having to explain what had happened to the doctor was another. Hyukjae couldn’t bear the embarrassment.

“We have no other choice! Can you think of any better ideas?”

“Oh I don’t know, Lee Donghae, perhaps this wouldn’t have happened if you, y’know, kept your damn vacuum cleaner out of sight while I was changing!”

Donghae rolled his eyes. “Just shut up. I’ll help you put on some clothes, then I’ll drive you to the ER.”

“How the am I supposed to fit in a car with your fancy Dyson vacuum cleaner biting down my ?”

“I don’t know, Hyukjae, I don’t know! We’ll make it work somehow!”

Donghae pulled a T-shirt over Hyukjae’s head and helped him pull his arms through the sleeves. He kept one hand on the vacuum cleaner of course, and used his other arm to reach out for a pair of clean boxers and shorts.

“Ow, Jesus—don’t let go of the stupid vacuum cleaner, you idiot! My ’s about to fall off!”

“I’m trying, I’m trying!”

Donghae helped Hyukjae step into the boxers and then shorts, pulling them up to Hyukjae’s waist. He couldn’t zip the shorts up for obvious reasons, and for once he really did feel stupid for what he’d done, amongst other stupid things.

Donghae decided to wrap a towel around Hyukjae’s groin in a sorry attempt to make things less embarrassing for his friend. He helped Hyukjae into the back of his car and drove hastily towards the nearest hospital.

“Hi sir, how may I help you?” asked a receptionist at the ER. Donghae nodded towards Hyukjae, stifling a smile.

“My, er, my friend—” Donghae pointed behind him, where a rather distraught Hyukjae was standing with his head bowed. “—it’s an emergency. He got his pee pee stuck in my vacuum cleaner.”

The receptionist did a double take and tried her hardest not to laugh. She handed Donghae a cue number and gestured towards the seats in the waiting area.

“Take a seat and wait for your cue number, Mr…”

“Donghae. Just Donghae.”

The receptionist nodded in acknowledgment, sending Donghae and Hyukjae off on their way. Once the pair had arrived at the waiting area, Hyukjae growled at Donghae.

“We wouldn’t be here if not for your stupid obsession with vacuum cleaners,” Hyukjae seethed, loosening his grip on Rouge’s body.

Donghae wanted to laugh, but he decided against it considering his friend was in as much distress as rightfully so. Not a single soul passed by without sniggering at Hyukjae’s plight.

“Well, at least we know the vacuum cleaner works just fine,” Donghae remarked, smiling evilly.

“I will kill you. We will get this thing off my and then I will kill you.”

“Sorry, I can tell how much this situation is stressing you out, Hyukjae,” Donghae began. “It must kinda…...”

“I’m going to kill you!”