[author's note: I have added each song that inspired me to write the scene that follows. You can listen to it before reading/while reading/ignore it completely. Whatever you want to do with it.]

 

I roll the window down

And then begin to breathe in

The darkest country road

And the strong scent of evergreen

 

Death Cab For Cutie - Passenger Seat 

| Listen here | 

 

A single ray of sunshine fell upon his tired body, advancing slowly but steadily to envelop his cold limbs, numb with the sensation of lingering frost, in its light.

 

Early morning dew had long since seeped into his skin, his hair, his shirt, leaving him frozen and lifeless, and so the warmth of the rising sun was a welcomed sensation. It cracked the icy layer that had formed on his body, and before long, life came back to him.

 

Breath filled his aching lungs, which felt stingy and raw on the first few inhales. He could hear his own gasps every time his lips parted to in fresh air, and the harder he listened, the more deafening the sounds around him became.

 

It started with birds. He could hear them everywhere, and not just one, but an entire flock of them. Their cawing was shrill and harrowing, overwhelmingly loud after the lingering silence that had surrounded him for what had felt like hours.

 

He opened his eyes to them, lids heavy from disuse, and watched how a dozen of black-winged crows circled in the air above him. They continued to glide through the air for some time, until they scattered all around, settling in the surrounding trees one by one.

 

The sun, which continued to warm him, wasn’t the only deity in the sky. Far from its light and much dimmer, but admittedly just as beautiful, stood the moon. Its pale grey form was almost translucent, but it was still visible to the eye, which revealed how it was a late morning.

 

Framing the clear blue sky in which the sun and moon both hung, were trees. Evergreens, specifically. Most of them were pines, all a lovely green for this time of year, and the remaining cold of night had left what looked like a thin coat of diamonds on its branches.

 

It had been a while since he had seen anything quite this beautiful.

 

His breath came out in tiny puffs that evaporated in front of his eyes before he could really see them. His fingers tangled in the grass beneath him, the strands not having grown too long to break with a single tug yet.

 

Above him, the world kept spinning.

 

With the crows having gone silent, it was eerily quiet there, no other sounds filling the space but those of nature. It made it feel as if this wasn’t real, as if somehow he had ended up in a parallel universe where no one existed but him.

 

Or maybe he was dreaming. Could he be? He didn’t remember going to sleep, but then again, there wasn’t much he could recall anyway.

 

He wasn’t sure how long it took for him to come down enough in order to finally move his limbs, but by the time he did the ache he felt made it seem as if he had been lying still for years.

 

But even with his body sore and breathing rigid, he managed to push himself up on his elbows. So he could see. Really see.

 

A secluded little meadow, that’s where he appeared to be. Lying in a field fit for fairy tales, with tiny flowers scattered across the grass and bees swarming around, jumping from one bud to another to pollinate them.

 

An early spring morning like any other, that much this world had in common with the one he could remember. Though most of those spring mornings he recalled, he had spent inside, nested in a bed with arms around his waist and a leg swung over his hip. With a nose tucked against the nape of his neck.

 

The brief but powerful memory of those lovely early mornings hit him abruptly, like a swift punch to the gut, and it left him reeling with a feeling of longing so severe that he couldn’t describe it as anything other than paralyzing.

 

Lying on his elbows, the loss of those arms around him was as stabbing as a knife between the ribs. However, this pain, it sat much higher in his chest than a knife would do, and although he couldn’t fathom why he felt it, his body seemed to be responding to something his mind hadn’t caught up on yet.

 

Panicked by the lack of air suddenly in his lungs, he rolled over and sat himself up, gasping dryly in a desperate attempt to fill them. The world came into focus as he did, the soft edges now hardening like the corners of the stones his gaze fell upon, becoming as clear as crystal within the seconds it took for the world to arrange itself again.

 

It showed him how this, this place he had thought belonged in a fairytale, wasn’t as mythical as he had deemed it to be. As a matter of fact, it felt more like a nightmare now that he had laid eyes on those stones, and not even the warmth of the sun could shield him from the biting cold he could feel in his bones.  

 

The pines he had thought to see all around, only lined one side of the meadow. On the other side they thinned out, until they were replaced entirely by cypress- and mulberry trees.

 

They separated the moss-covered stones that stood tall in the grass, a stark contrast against the vibrant colours of nature. It was almost ridiculous how well the cold and lifeless grey represented his exact feelings in that moment.

 

Because beneath the strange tranquility he felt, like the calm, dark green of those trees, there were small bursts of terror bursting in his chest, that he couldn’t yet place. Small explosions of anxiety that blossomed and withered before they could take over his mind.

 

Whenever he was about to panic and feel the darkness take over his heart and his vision... it washed away again. As if it wasn’t meant to be powerful enough to pull him under, only existing to make him conscious of its presence.

 

While he tried to cope with those conflicting emotions, switching back and forth between them, he took a moment to look down at his bare feet against the ground. At the white pants and shirt he was wearing that had, miraculously, stayed white even though he had been lying in the wet grass.

 

It gave him all the more reason to believe this place had to be imaginary. Whether he was dreaming or had drunk too much, or hadn’t slept enough. Whatever the reason, this wasn’t the reality that he knew. He’d never sleep outside, he’d never wear clothes like these, and these feelings pushing down on him… “Ah!”

 

Out of nowhere, an invisible pull propelled him forward, feet tripping over themselves as he almost crashed into the ground, but he caught himself just in time.

 

He was walking. Without a destination in mind, without realising where he was going, he had started wandering.

 

But even without knowing where to go, he felt a sense of direction that guided him as his feet carried him further. And so he walked past stone after stone, leaving behind the quietness and beauty of the meadow.

 

 

 

𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨

𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳

𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘱𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴

𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦

 

Fleurie - Hurts like Hell 

| Listen here | 

 

 

 

He was trying so desperately to make sense of what was happening to him, of where he was taking himself and why, but with every step he took, his mind got cloudier. Thoughts became less and less easy to grasp, and eventually he simply gave up trying.

Like the haze he was sauntering through, the fog in his mind clogged up, until he stopped questioning himself and just followed wherever his heart was taking him. Down another path, towards a clearing near a hypnotizingly beautiful weeping willow.

 

Its leaves sung with the wind and its twigs appeared to be dancing around the group of people that had gathered there, standing closely together and holding onto each other, tightly. He didn’t stop to admire the view, though. His feet carried on.

 

Unlike him, this group of strangers was dressed in all black. Men in suits, women in dresses, as if they had expected to end up at a fancy dinner party rather than out here.

 

The looks on their faces fit that idea of disappointment, as their mouths were nothing but thin lines, their eyes hollow and dark. Some were crying, some had closed off every way to show emotion, shielding their pain from the world, and even through the fog in his head, he could sense the sadness.

 

This should be making sense to him, he knew it was supposed to, and yet he didn’t realise what exactly he was watching up until the moment he stopped walking, ending up right at the back of the group and watching their hunched shoulders from behind.

 

He didn’t realise up until the moment his eyes found the satin-covered coffin they were staring at, and the large, framed picture on top of it. Because that picture, showing the image of a young man with bright brown eyes and full cheeks, toothy grin big enough to make his eyes disappear slightly, that man was him.

 

And like that, after seeing that picture, the fog lifted, and every emotion that had been kept at bay came rushing in at once. Anguish, grief, heartache, despair. All of it at once.

 

Baekhyun fell to his knees.

 

The wailing of the people around him pierced through the air, their sorrow too much to bear for his sudden shattered heart, but there was no way to escape them. And though he was already humbly kneeling on solid ground, unable to physically collapse any further, the heaviness that was dragging him down was trying to get him that much smaller.

 

The ache in his bones that he had felt, the mossy stones that had brought on the troubled feeling, they all started to make sense to him. Because this wasn’t a fairytale meadow and it wasn’t a dream either. No matter how desperately he was praying for it to be, seeing as reality was grim and wretched. It was none of that.

 

This was his own funeral he was attending, watching from whichever afterlife there was. This gathering, it was his last stop, his final goodbye, and he was watching his family mourn right in front of him.

 

This was a graveyard, the crows and trees and flowers had all been warning signs, omens as to speak, that Baekhyun had been to blind to. They had tried to tell him something, they could have alerted him of what he was to find, but now it was too late to run away.

 

For now that he realised where he was and why, the faces of the crowd became familiar to him, and the pressing feeling in his chest grew bigger and bigger with every person he recognised.

 

He saw his aunt and uncle at the back of the group, their two youngest sons standing next to them. Their faces were cast downwards, eyes on the ground beneath their feet. There was a sadness written in their eyes, but no tears were spilled. They hadn’t been close enough to Baekhyun to really feel the loss.

 

Close to them, he saw his co-worker Yixing, the man’s hands respectfully folded in front of him, chin up proud though his eyes were wet and droopy. The arm around his waist belonged to his long-time boyfriend Junmyeon, who stood watching Yixing more than the grave before them.

 

His college best friends Minseok and Jongdae, who would have needed to travel quite a bit to get here, stood nearby along with Baekhyun’s ex-boyfriend Kyungsoo, whom he had stayed good friends with against all odds... they were all there to send him off on his last journey, destination unknown.

 

Another wave of hurt washed over Baekhyun at the sight of all these people standing in silence, mourning him in their own ways. His hurt however, could in no way be compared to theirs.

 

Baekhyun knew what it felt like to lose someone close to him and mourn them, and it wasn’t in any way similar to how he felt in that very moment. Because this time around it was him that was gone, and there would be no way for him to return either. No way to move on from this pain with the passing of time.

 

The more his eyes trailed, inching farther up to the front of the group, the more painful it became to watch. Each and every one of them had an upturned smile, eyes full of emotions Baekhyun didn’t want them to feel, but there was nothing he could do about it.

 

These were the people he had loved, the ones he had watched growing up, and that’s what made it excruciating.

 

His family was there too, his mom and dad on the very front row, his brother there with them, all standing with their arms tightly wrapped around each other’s sagging shoulders. His mother stood in between her husband and son, holding in her hand a handkerchief that hung lifelessly from her fingertips.

 

Her nose was red, her eyes smudged with makeup and her lips swollen from all the crying. She looked so much smaller than Baekhyun remembered her being. It must be hard to lose a son, incredibly so, and it showed on her. She looked like she had aged a decade since he had last seen her. How long exactly had that been?

 

His father was fighting back tears, it was so easy to tell from the way he kept blinking steadily, trying to will them away. Baekhyun knew he was doing it to be strong for his family, to be the one that kept them all together, but he wished his the man would just let go for once.

 

Next to his brother, who stood leaning his head against their mother’s, stood the man Baekhyun’s gaze came to rest on. The one he refused to look away from after he found him, no matter how cruel the heartache would be.

 

The tallest of the bunch and the only one there that was crying uncontrollably, the ugly sound piercing right through Baekhyun’s soul. The only person in this group that would come anywhere close to experiencing the pain Baekhyun was feeling in that moment.

 

He was as beautiful as they day they had met.

 

Chanyeol.

 

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳

𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘯

𝘚𝘰 𝘐'𝘮 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦

 

Sleeping at last - already gone

| Listen here | 

 

 

| 3 years before |

“Is this seat taken?” a voice asked from right over Baekhyun’s shoulder, startling him enough to jump in his seat.

 

It earned a laugh from whoever it was that was standing behind him, the cute sound sending a shiver down Baekhyun’s spine, and when he turned to look, his breath stocked in his throat altogether.

 

Standing at the chair next to his was who Baekhyun could deem as, undoubtedly, the most handsome man he had ever seen in his life. Dressed in black slacks and a white dress shirt, the tie missing and first two buttons undone, Baekhyun had a hard time not thinking he had been graced by the presence of an angel.  

 

The stranger was tall, clearly strong too - judging by those broad shoulders, with a stunning smile and cute, curly brown hair. He had the most amazing almond-shaped eyes that left Baekhyun unable to speak, and so he shook his head to communicate his answer.

 

A little shocked by the immediate blush he could feel creeping up in his cheeks in response to the blinding smile that was sent his way, Baekhyun averted his gaze and looked away as the handsome stranger sat down in the seat next to him.

 

Really, all he needed was a moment to compose himself, to pull it together and appear as suave as he would have done with anyone else, but the man wasn’t going to give him that time.

 

A hand popped into Baekhyun’s field of vision, ending right underneath his nose, which forced him to look up. With cheeks red and a face that would probably give away just how attractive he thought the other was, he met those gorgeous eyes up close. And like that, he lost the ability to speak once again.

 

“Hi, I’m Chanyeol. one of Jongin’s best men. I saw you across from me on Sehun’s side, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around before,” there was a real interest there, and rightfully so too, because after all it was Baekhyun’s first time back in the country since he had left a  year prior. They hadn’t met before.

 

It was a simple question, too, nothing that told Baekhyun that similar thoughts to his were all that were on Chanyeol’s mind. Maybe the guy had genuinely only come over to ask who he was and why he had never seen him before, but to Baekhyun it was enough to spark something.

 

The fact that a guy this handsome had noticed him, but Baekhyun had been too caught up in the whole wedding to notice him in return, left him speechless for another moment. How could he have missed someone like Chanyeol? How was such a thing possible?

 

As he shook himself out of it both mentally as well as physically, Baekhyun tried to smile and introduce himself in return, “yes, that’s right. I’m Baekhyun, Sehun’s bestie from high school. We kind of grew apart when I left the country to study in Australia, but we never lost touch. I- uh, I actually just returned, haven’t even found myself an apartment yet, but of course I wouldn’t want to miss his wedding so I came back early.”

 

He laughed, the giggle coming naturally, but then bit his lip as he realised how the obnoxious sound wouldn’t do him much good. It didn’t occur every day that he got to talk to an incredibly hot guy, and the last thing he wanted to do was scare him off with crazy laughter and weird faces, something he knew he did when he got nervous.

 

“Ah, that makes sense,” mister handsome replied with a smile, “I work with Jongin, but we only met like... nine months ago? I see why you weren’t around to hang out with, then. So Australia? What did you study?”

 

Chanyeol’s expression was open, and he wasn’t hiding his interest in the boy whatsoever, but to Baekhyun that interest could still be taken either way. It could be so innocent, and he didn’t want to ruin this with unnecessary flirting in that case.

 

“I studied a music major. I really want to do something with singing or producing, and if I want to go international then speaking English helps a lot so that’s why I went to Australia,” he rambled, feeling like it was the most boring thing to talk about, but Chanyeol still seemed interested.

 

“Also, trust me, I’m kind of disappointed Sehun failed to mention your name, too,” Baekhyun added then, which caused him to feel embarrassed immediately because it sounded so much like flirting that he hated himself for it.

 

In an attempt to save himself he turned to look at his best friend, who was staring at Jongin with the biggest smile on his face as he held out a hand for him to take, “but who could blame him? He only has eyes for one man.”

 

Chanyeol chuckled - whatever that meant - and turned his gaze to the dancefloor, where said couple was now getting ready for their first dance. The two of them went silent in order to watch as Sehun and Jongin twirled across the dancefloor, switching between leading and following, laughing in a way only couples in love could. Baekhyun was only slightly jealous.

 

“They are a good fit,” Chanyeol agreed once it was appropriate to speak again, but Baekhyun was still watching them dance just so he wouldn’t ogle Chanyeol with his heart-eyes, “they taught me how sometimes, it doesn’t take much to realise you have found the one. Actually, sometimes all it takes... is a glance.”

 

Baekhyun’s body froze completely at the tone of those words, while on the inside his heart seemed to be exploding, like firecrackers that were being lit inside his chest. Chanyeol couldn’t be talking about this… could he?

 

When the smaller turned his head to look at him, Chanyeol was staring at him with this look that told Baekhyun it was exactly that. It was smooth, the words likely meant as a simple flirting technique, but then why did he want to agree on the very spot?

 

When Baekhyun didn’t reply and when the staring became too much to bear, Chanyeol stood up and held out his hand, “dance with me, Baekhyun. I’m not that great of a dancer, but I would really like to see.”

 

“Like to see what?” Baekhyun blinked dumbfoundedly, already feeling how it was a stupid question to ask because with every word, with every answer that he gave, Chanyeol stole his heart a little more.

 

“I want to see whether you can look at me the way Sehun looks at Jongin,” he confessed, voice calm and collected, as if he was talking about the weather, “and whether you can feel me looking at you the way Jongin looks at him in return.”

 

Suddenly the outstretched hand was an invitation to more than just a dance. It was an invitation to everything Chanyeol could offer, to find out if love at first sight was a thing or whether attraction was the only thing meant to be. This could be life-altering.

 

Baekhyun accepted, curious to find out whether he was right, and went in with no hopes of actually falling in love. But as they floated across the room, occasionally stepping on each other’s toes, laughing about everything and nothing at once, he slowly came to the realisation that he was doomed.

 

For as the night progressed, hands moved from the safe spots of shoulder and waist to more intimate parts. Until he stood with his arms around Chanyeol’s neck and Chanyeol’s arms around his hips, their bodies flushed together. Until they stole a kiss, or two. Or more.

 

And when the night came to an end, guests long since having retreated to their homes, Baekhyun didn’t go back to his hotel. He ended up not just in a different bed, but in love. With fingers tickling in all the right places, with lips always attached to him in some place, as he made love and lost his heart for good.

 

Because from that night on, Baekhyun had been home.

 

𝘈𝘯𝘥, 𝘐 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵 𝘢 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦

𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶

𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦

 

𝘜𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘪𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥

𝘍𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘦

𝘍𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘸, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘶𝘴𝘵

 

The Cinematic Orchestra, Patrick Watson - To Build A Home 

| Listen here | 

 

Park Chanyeol, the love of Baekhyun’s life, both in the figurative and literal sense it now turned out to be… The one Baekhyun had spent almost three years loving, the one he had wanted to grow even older with would fate not have decided to cut his life short.

 

His boyfriend’s cheeks were shimmering in the soft sunlight, the rays sparkling against the wet patches his tears had left behind. The drops of salty water continued to gather at his chin, but they never got a chance to fall, for a folded handkerchief much like Baekhyun’s mother’s dabbed them away before they could.

 

Chanyeol was being bodily held up by two strong pairs of arms, Jongin’s and Sehun’s, the married couple that had brought them together in the first place and who now kept checking in on Baekhyun’s lover worriedly, every few seconds or so.

 

From the fingers digging deeply into Chanyeol’s upper arm, Baekhyun could tell the two boys were really trying to keep his slumping body upright, as if they knew what would happen if they didn’t do so.

 

Baekhyun knew it too, knew that Chanyeol would fall to the floor much in the same way he had done the moment he had realised what had happened to him.

 

He closed his eyes to the world for a second, hoping against hope that this wasn’t real, that against all odds this was all a dream... If not for him then for Chanyeol, the man he would give up everything for.

 

Chanyeol was his person, he was the one, and the fact that he was suffering so much did more to Baekhyun than the knowledge that he had passed away. For him, he would give up anything to take the pain away, to carry all the burden on his own shoulders without ever regretting making that decision.

 

Maybe he could.

 

The wish to take Chanyeol’s pain away was the one thing that made Baekhyun get back up on shaky feet. Despite the emotions heavy in his chest and despite knowing that going up to them would make Chanyeol’s pain that much more striking to the eye, that much harder to watch. He had to try.

 

Walking his way around his relatives, Baekhyun tried to tune in to what was being said about him by the woman in black that stood facing the group. He could see her lips were moving, but the words weren’t distinguishable no matter how hard he tried to hear them. And he didn’t really try to begin with, seeing as his entire heart was gravitating towards Chanyeol.

 

No one moved an inch as he walked past them, and he didn’t stop to look at anyone else anyway. His eyes never left that gorgeous face, the one he wanted to kiss and hold more than anything in this entire world. One final time, what he would give to have this one final time…

 

What he wanted the very most, however, was for Chanyeol to just look at him and take his hands, tell him: ‘this is just some sick joke, we played you, I love you, let’s go home now’. He didn’t want them to be over, he didn’t want to have to say goodbye forever. Just thinking about it was tearing him apart.  

 

When he finally came to a stop in front of the sobbing man, when he could finally look up into those eyes and see exactly what Chanyeol was feeling inside, Baekhyun felt how every single piece of him that had been whole still, broke instantaneously.

 

All of him, his entire being, was shattering. Like glass cutting through his skin, like razor blades inside his throat, the immeasurable pain of seeing the one his heart belonged to being this crushed, it ended him.

 

He could feel himself crying, hot tears streaming down his face so quickly that he didn’t notice them until his body heaved the first sob and broke down completely.

 

With a hand pressed to his mouth he bawled his eyes out, vision going fuzzy and blurring the lines of Chanyeol’s face until it almost looked as if he could be smiling. Almost.

 

“It’s okay, Yeol, let it all out,” Jongin whispered as he rubbed Chanyeol’s back, although Baekhyun saw none of it through the tears. The words didn’t help, because all Chanyeol did was get louder, cry harder.

 

Why had this happened to them? Why? Why was it that Baekhyun was there, dead, with Chanyeol right in front of him, falling apart just as badly? Where had things gone wrong? How had he even died?

 

“He’s gone. Gone. Baekhyun… Baek... Baek…” the words came out through tiny, breathless gasps and ended in another burst of heavy sobs that were so gut-wrenching that Baekhyun ended up trembling all over, a mauled sound breaking free from his own throat.

 

“I’m here! I’m right here, Yeol,” his weakened voice, which he hadn’t used until now, echoed all around him. It bounced off the trees and returned to him, just as loud and clear as it had been when he had uttered the words.

 

He couldn’t be heard by anyone, he knew that. There was no one but him on this side, he was entirely alone here, but it didn’t stop him from speaking words he would have said if someone could have heard him, “I won’t ever leave you, please remember. Never, okay? I love you, I love you so, so much. Please Chanyeol.”

 

Having blinked the wetness from his eyes, Baekhyun wiped at his cheeks so he could properly look at at his lover again. He needed to, because his words needed to get through to him, and if he couldn’t hear them then he should feel them. Baekhyun hoped he could feel them.

 

His boyfriend’s empty gaze was still fixed on the coffin, on Baekhyun’s picture that stood there facing them, and even though there weren’t as many tears running down his lover’s face anymore, it wasn’t any less painful to watch.

 

Because this, the conclusion to him breaking down, meant he had gotten to a worse stage than the crying had been. It was the stage of giving up, of allowing the pain to swallow you whole and eat away at you until there was nothing left of you to dispose of.

 

Baekhyun knew what that was like, knew because he was experiencing the exact same thing in that very moment, but he had wanted Chanyeol to be stronger. He wanted him not to hurt. Easy to say, of course.

 

Jongin and Sehun struggled, Jongin almost slipping in his hold on the man, and he warned his husband right as things went amiss. “Watch it, Hun,” their friend groaned as Chanyeol dropped his head between his shoulders, chin to his chest, and let it hang there in surrender.

 

Defeated, he looked absolutely defeated, and Baekhyun’s heart ached more than ever before with a pain that he had never in his lifetime encountered.

 

There were no words to properly describe it, because words like those didn’t exist. No one had come back to share what it was like to watch your own funeral, to express how they felt knowing they would never be able to return ever again. That the ship of life had sailed and that there was no way, no possibility, to turn back time and do it all over.

 

The only words that came even remotely close to describing that pain were those of despair and misery. It was a pain which was inconsolable, one that he’d never move on from no matter what his future held now. Whether there was a crossover or whether this was where he stayed, this feeling wouldn’t recede.

 

𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶

𝘊𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘮𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶?

 

Florence & the machine - The End Of Love 

| Listen here | 

 

 

“Chanyeol!” Sehun’s voice snapped him out of it, right in time to have Baekhyun see how his boyfriend momentarily lost consciousness. Eyes dropping shut, breath coming out in a single puff, torment vanishing from his expression as he slipped under.

 

The moment was fleeting, but in those seconds his body turned to lead and became too heavy for the two friends to hold all by themselves. And so Baekhyun did the only thing he knew to do: he stepped in.

 

His palms pressed against Chanyeol’s chest and caught some of the weight, at the same time as his boyfriend opened his eyes to the world again.

 

Chanyeol groaned, his eyes rolling in their sockets as he came back to them, their two friends immediately fussing about him while Baekhyun could only revel in the closeness between them. How could it be that he was able to touch him?

 

With Chanyeol no longer being dead weight, Jongin and Sehun helped straighten him while Baekhyun pushed at his chest too, not letting go until he was positive his boyfriend would remain standing on his own without the help needed.

 

When he did finally step back, Chanyeol released a deep breath, and when Baekhyun looked up at him to see if he was alright, he found his boyfriend’s gorgeous almond eyes boring straight into his own. As if he could see Baekhyun now the shorter had touched him.

 

His gaze was fixed right on Baekhyun’s, his eyes lacking any life but meeting his regardless. Could it be that he could see him? Had that simple touch made him visible to the only one he wished could see him one more time?

 

“Yeol,” Baekhyun called out, allowing one hand to fall back on Chanyeol’s shoulder, praying with all his might, “I’m here.”

 

But as he stepped closer to his boyfriend, Chanyeol’s gaze didn’t move along with him. He was still watching the same spot, the exact spot where Baekhyun had just been, and the smaller’s heart dropped to his feet.

 

The disappointment didn’t make Baekhyun back off, no matter how upset it made him feel. Instead, knowing he was able to actually touch even on this side of life, he stayed pressed up against his boyfriend, two hands on his upper arms, hoping that his presence could at least be felt in some way.

 

Chanyeol swallowed, Baekhyun could hear it from this close, and Jongin and Sehun panicked as the taller began to move between them, shrugging their hold away.

 

“I wish I could have done something,” his boyfriend’s voice trembled and cracked on the words, and Baekhyun immediately began shaking his head as he pulled back to stare at his giant’s face once more.

 

“No, no, whatever it was, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault,” he promised, voice raising in the hopes that somehow, someway they would reach him. That Baekhyun putting all his hope and love in his words, his touches, could somehow be felt.  

 

Chanyeol’s laugh was dry and pained, not an ounce of happiness in it, and Jongin and Sehun finally let go of him as the man reached for his pocket. “I should have at least done this right,” he sighed as he fumbled with whatever he had fished out of his pocket, “he deserved as much.”

 

Baekhyun inclined forward along with his two friends, wanting to take a better look at what lay in Chanyeol’s outstretched palm, and when he saw the sparkling of stones embedded in a delicate-looking golden band, his heart leaped from his chest.

 

“You wanted to ask him to marry you,” Jongin concluded, not even a question, and Chanyeol nodded in confirmation, his eyes glistening with fresh tears, “I did.” It was clearly hard for him to speak, but even so, he still did.

 

“The day before- before he died, we made love and I was about to ask him. He was smiling at me so beautifully and it felt just right, but I was too nervous. Scared that it wouldn’t be special enough, afraid I wouldn’t remember everything that I had wanted to say, and so I postponed it. Now I wish I hadn’t.”

 

Ah. So that was why he had gone so quiet that night. Baekhyun had thought it had been him, that he had done something wrong, but that wasn’t true. Chanyeol had loved him till the very end.

 

Touched beyond words, Baekhyun got on his tiptoes and placed both his hands against Chanyeol’s cheeks, cupping his face in his palms the way he had done so many times before, missing the signature touch of their noses that would follow once Chanyeol would bend his head to meet him halfway.

 

His eyes were rimmed with tears, but he wouldn’t allow them to spill. He wanted to see, needed to look into Chanyeol’s eyes and make him feel the love that was erupting like fireworks in his chest, bursting at the seams because the love of his life had wanted to marry him.

 

He would have said yes, not a single doubt in mind.

 

“Do it now then,” Sehun suggested, sharing a look with Jongin on the other side of him, until his husband nodded and agreed, “yeah. You don’t know what comes after this life, what if he can hear? Tell him now, say what you would have said had you dared to ask him that night.”

 

Chanyeol’s gaze moved up from the ring in his palm, and once again their eyes locked, unknowingly. Baekhyun’s breathing stopped, his heart jumped up high in his throat as those pools of brown stared right through him yet made him feel so much.

 

“I- I would have wrapped him up in my arms first,” Chanyeol started, blinking violently as to not ruin this by crying even more, “I would have wanted him to feel me everywhere so he would know how loved he was, but mostly I would have wanted to see his face when I asked him.”

 

Jongin hummed in support as he quietly wrapped an arm around Chanyeol’s shoulder, listening but there when needed. “He’d laugh at me,” Chanyeol snorted, “and then he’d tell me I was tickling him, which wasn’t fair and would result in getting silent treatment if I wouldn’t stop, which he’d ramble on about until I’d shut him up with a kiss.”

 

True, very true. Baekhyun smiled warmly, able to see the entire thing play out in his head if he closed his eyes. But then Chanyeol continued, and Baekhyun opened them again, “and then I’d start. I’d brush his hair out of his face so I could properly look at his eyes, and I’d say his name… Baekhyun.”

 

Baekhyun hummed in response, so habitual, his thumbs rubbing across his boyfriend’s cheekbones as he waited patiently for him to go on. He could have this moment, even in death, they could have this memory.

 

“Remember how we met at a wedding and how, when I took you home that night, we talked about what we’d want our own weddings to be like?” the corners of Chanyeol’s mouth quivered at the memory, not enough to be a smile but coming close enough. Baekhyun nodded.

 

“I remember everything you told me. How you want to wear white as you will most definitely be the one walking down the aisle. And how the entire backdrop should be green so in the pictures the contrast will be extra beautiful. I even remember the flowers you want,” at this a real laugh spilled from his lips, and Baekhyun knew why.

 

He smiled along, remembering how the very first time Chanyeol had bought him flowers, he had gotten the wrong ones. Not because he didn’t know what Baekhyun’s favourite flower was, but because he didn’t know which flower was which and had ended up buying lilies instead of tulips.

 

“It’s not that I tried to keep track of those things, I really didn’t, but they just stuck with me the same way you did. I think that back then I somehow, unconsciously maybe, already knew that you’d be the one I want to-” at this his voice died, but he only stumbled, picking right back up where he left off, “to grow old with. I think I knew from the very beginning.”

 

Baekhyun his lips, feeling his mouth go dry as he whispered back, “I knew too.” Because he had. He had shared all of those things in the hope that Chanyeol would remember, that one day he could make them reality.

 

They had both been dreaming of the same future. Now there was none.

 

It was hard for his boyfriend to continue talking at that point, Baekhyun could tell from the way he tried to speak a handful of times before his voice actually came out again, and when it did the words were messy and jittery.

 

Chanyeol’s eyes filled with tears once more, and they could be heard in his voice, “I wanted to marry you, so badly. I wanted to love you forever, to make more memories together, and now I can’t. I can’t put this ring on your finger and I can’t- I-”

 

With eyes cast up to the sky, tears returned as swiftly as they had dried up before. it became too much for his boyfriend to go on, but he had said enough, it was enough. His entire body was trembling and it was clear as day how he was thinking about all that had been lost between them.  

 

Baekhyun made a shushing sound, his hands moving from Chanyeol’s cheeks to comb through his hair, “it’s okay,” ran his fingers across his jaw and neck, anything to stop the crying, “yes. A million times yes, I would have said it so many times that you would have wanted to take it back eventually. Yes, Chanyeol, yes.”

 

He slipped his arms around Chanyeol’s neck and hugged him tight, own eyes squeezed shut so he could really breathe in his boyfriend one final time. If only he could have everything one final time, then maybe he would never have to say goodbye.

 

Baekhyun wished he could feel arms around his waist, lips at the crown of his head, just one more time. He wished to dance with him for one more song, wished to love him one more night. He even wished they could have one last fight. Anything, he’d take anything.

 

“Losing you is the most painful thing I have ever gone through,” Chanyeol whispered, the sound so close to Baekhyun’s ear that it almost felt as if he was the only one meant to hear it. “I will never be whole again, I will never be as happy, not without you.”

 

More than anything, Baekhyun wanted to argue that it wasn’t true. He wanted to tell Chanyeol that he should move on, that he should find someone else to be happy with and that he would be whole again, but he couldn’t.

 

After all, he felt the exact same way, and whether it would stay this way for his love forever, or whether he really would move on, only time could tell. But there was one promise he could make, and he made it as he stepped back to look at his boyfriend, “I’ll wait for you, Chanyeol. That alone shows your words are untrue. You will find me again.”

 

Chanyeol couldn’t hear him, though, and he talked right through Baekhyun’s promise, “but we had good moments, didn’t we? We were perfect, like an inferno that burnt brighter and bigger than anything around us,” the smile on his face was sad, more of a grimace, “until the oxygen to its blaze was cut off by nothing but a few stabs of a knife.”

 

A knife? What did a knife have to do with this?

 

Baekhyun was about to open his mouth and ask, no matter how pointless it was, when an overwhelming physical pain fell over him, starting in his abdomen and stretching to his chest, as if Chanyeol’s words had awoken it.

 

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥,

𝘐'𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘎𝘰𝘥,

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐'𝘥 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘸𝘢𝘱 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘴

 

Placebo - Running Up That Hill 

| Listen here | 

 

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Baekhyun said as he shrugged on his coat, stopping at the couch to kiss Chanyeol’s lips and smile down at him, his usual goodbye.

 

“Where are you going?” his boyfriend asked, clearly surprised to see he was about to step out when they had been planning to watch a movie together. He had been waiting too, Baekhyun knew, but an emergency was an emergency.

 

Baekhyun checked to see if he had enough money on him while he explained, “well if we want pancakes in bed tomorrow then we need milk. Also, I forgot to buy food for Toben last time I was at the shop and we just ran out of the last can.”

 

With a pout, Chanyeol grabbed his boyfriend’s wrist and gave him puppy eyes, “why can’t you do this tomorrow then? We can even go together. We can have something else for breakfast...”

 

“And poor Toben should just starve?” Baekhyun raised his eyebrows but caved enough to lean in for at least another kiss, “I’ll be right back, you know the shop is just across the street. Besides, maybe, if you let me go now, I will bring along a bottle of chocolate sauce that we can use somewhere that isn’t the kitchen.”

 

After wiggling his eyebrows and sparking a laugh from Chanyeol’s body, he got permission to leave. His boyfriend did however, pinch his thigh as he walked by, and he chuckled brightly as he sing-songed, “I love you, you dork.”

 

“Says the biggest dork on this entire planet,” Baekhyun threw back over his shoulder as he walked to the door of their shared apartment. The one Baekhyun had entered three years prior and had never left, “love you too. I’ll be right back.”

 

He jumped down the steps of the stairs all the way from the second floor and skipped across the pavement once he left their building. In all honesty, he hadn’t wanted to leave either, so he’d better make this quick so he could go back home and snuggle up in Chanyeol’s arms.

 

It was late, late enough to have an empty street and hardly any traffic around, especially in their neighbourhood, and so it was easy to cross the road. He checked both sides before he hopped off the pavement and bounced to the other side.

 

The bell of the small convenience store rang as Baekhyun opened the door, and when the lady in the back looked up to see who it was, she smiled at him. “Good evening misses Lee,” he greeted her before he ambled into the aisle he was supposed to be.

 

“Ah, good evening Baekhyun, forgot some things? It’s awfully late,” he could hear misses Lee speak. She had lost her husband four months earlier and now ran the shop on her own, which was why Baekhyun went by a little more often and purposefully ‘forgot’ some things at the larger supermarket chains.

 

“Yeah, can’t let the dog starve, and Chanyeol wants pancakes in the morning, so I had two reasons to go out,” Baekhyun hummed as he scanned the shelves, hearing misses Lee’s laughter bounce around the shop.

 

It didn’t take long to gather his things, not with how small the shop was. Two cans of dog food, a carton of milk, a bottle of chocolate sauce and a pack of strawberry-flavoured string candy that he loved to munch on.

 

He rang them all up with misses Lee, who wouldn’t let him leave until he had promised to say hello to Chanyeol too, and only then he found himself back outside.

 

Again, he hopped off the curb and ran across the road, his groceries swinging back and forth in the bag he had brought along. He was smiling, humming along to the stupidly catchy song that was playing in his head, and the excitement of getting back to his boyfriend soon made it he missed the hooded figure walking up to him.

 

Until it was too late.

 

He hadn’t even been able to get out an apologetic ‘sorry’ for walking into the man before the man’s fingers were wrapped tightly around his throat. The hold on him was strong and painful, which was why Baekhyun tried to scream out in discomfort, but trying to make sound only made breathing more difficult.

 

His windpipe was being squeezed shut awfully hard and as he gasped for air, Baekhyun dropped the bag of groceries. He could hear the cans rolling down the pavement, but they were the least of his worries as he was facing glaring eyes and a simple white mask that covered the hooded figure’s mouth.

 

Baekhyun’s fingers came up to grasp at the ones around his neck, trying to peel them off, all the while he spluttered for air, “p-please.” His vision started to swim, the lack of oxygen getting to his brain, and yet the stranger only stared at him.

 

He kicked his feet, trying to break free that way, but he shouldn’t have. He should have just let the man choke him until he had passed out, should have let him steal the little bit of money left in his pocket. Fighting back was the worst thing he could have done.

 

“You little ing f-” the stranger hissed from behind the mask, slamming Baekhyun;s body into the wall of the building they were standing near, and the smaller groaned in pain as his lungs had to deal with yet another blow. “I know you live on this street with your little er boyfriend. You dirty faggots. You should go to hell.”

 

The words had barely properly reached him, they hadn’t even really registered yet before a sharp, punching pain in his stomach startled him. It made him gasp and then hold his breath - the little he could still draw.

 

Was he being beaten up for being gay? It seemed that way, felt that way too, at least up until the man retreated his hand, which brought on a more intense pain and the feeling of hot liquid running across his skin.

 

Blood, Baekhyun realised as his ears started to ring.

 

He wasn’t being punched, he was being stabbed. The shiny silver blade shone in the light of the night before it disappeared just as fast into his heaving body..

 

Again the jabbing feeling returned, now further up his stomach and leaving a lot quicker too. And again, up higher still, right next to where his heart would be. And again. And again.

 

It felt like a waterfall, that was the only way he could describe the feeling, a waterfall of red that washed down his body and pooled at his feet. Until the man cursed under his breath and let go of his throat, after which Baekhyun collapsed to the ground.

 

The pain of the fall didn’t even register, the cutting ache that ran all the way through him was that much more excruciating, like fire at his veins. He wanted to scream for help or reach out for his phone, but his voice wouldn’t work and his pockets were empty.

 

He cried like that, praying to God that someone would walk by and find him. Please, someone find him, Chanyeol was waiting for him.

 

The ground was wet and sticky but Baekhyun dragged himself across it until he no longer could, bringing up red-stained hands that only made him cry harder. Someone had to find him now, why was it taking so long?

 

The world was spinning, his own shallow breathing an ear-splitting sound and he had started to lose feeling in his fingertips. Screaming for help became impossible as his chest tightened, his lungs feeling restricted, and the black came in faster. It enveloped everything, until the world faded from view.

 

He never woke again.

 

 

 

𝘓𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘱𝘪𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘨𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘴

𝘛𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬

𝘗𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳

𝘈𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥

 

Fall Out Boy - Bishops Knife Trick

| Listen here |   

 

“Hey, at least they caught the man that did it,” Jongin futilely pointed out, which earned him a glare from Sehun, who knew that the words wouldn’t help make things better. And they didn’t, Chanyeol didn’t even respond to them.

 

In front of him, Baekhyun stood crying once more, his shoulders shaking on every other whimper that left his throat. With one hand slung across his stomach, the other pressed to his mouth, he tried to forget the images his brain had brought back to him.

 

Enough.

 

He had had enough. There was nothing left of him by now anyway, his soul had been crushed and crumbled, the only emotion he knew was pain, and so he started clawing at his own skin in a careless attempt to just make it all stop.

 

“End this!” He screamed vehemently as he turned in a full circle, nails digging deeply into his chest as he was trying to rip himself apart completely. The physical pain he was inflicting upon himself only somewhat helped to dull the emotional pain, but alongside that, it kept his heart racing and mind focused.

 

“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t,” he wailed loudly, wishing for someone, anyone, to hear him and fulfill his prayer. Was life after death supposed to be lonely? Wasn’t there either supposed to be a God or nothing at all, not this state of in between, like a purgatory that felt more like hell than heaven?

 

“Please,” he begged, his lips trembling as he fell to his knees at Chanyeol’s feet, fingers finally having torn through his shirt, “take me already. Take me away. Enough.” He scratched at his skin until it was raw, trying to peel everything away so he could finally cease to exist, but it was pointless. He was cursed, meant to go through this torture for some reason.

 

He cast his eyes up to the sky in a broken surrender, folding his hands together in a silent plea that he knew would result in nothing. Could he wish for something as dire as having never been born? Could he wish away his entire existence?

 

If it were granted, none of these people would be here to mourn him. Chanyeol wouldn’t be here to say goodbye to him, because they would never have met. Baekhyun might be willing to pay that price if it meant he didn’t have to see those beautiful, sorrowful eyes any longer.

 

Around him, he realised, the group of people had thinned out, leaving only his closest family still there, but when Jongin and Sehun took their leave, right as Baekhyun was praying in silence, Chanyeol let go of their arms.

 

They watched him with pitiful looks, clearly wondering if he’d be alright out here on his own, but Chanyeol shook his head in determination and told them, “I’m staying a little while longer.”

 

Their two friends nodded in understanding before they turned to each other, and Baekhyun watched as their hands entwined, fingers gripping tightly as if they appreciated having each other in their lives that much more. Good, because they should... it could all be over in a flash.

 

Chanyeol stood in silence a little while longer, his gaze on the rest of Baekhyun’s family that was still huddled together on the other side of the grave. Baekhyun watched his boyfriend send a warm smile to his mother, as if to reassure her he was doing okay.

 

A quick glance over his shoulder told Baekhyun that Baekbeom had left already, and only his father stood with his arms wrapped around his still-teary-eyed wife.

 

“Chanyeol, do you want to come with us? There might be a few of B- of his belongings that you might like to have,” Baekhyun’s father asked quietly, speaking for both him and his wife, who nodded to confirm his words.

 

“Thank you, but maybe some other time. I- I want to stay here just a little bit longer,” his boyfriend replied, which seemed to mean something to his father as the man gave a single nod of his head before he started guiding Baekhyun’s mother away from the grave.

 

They had been the only ones left, and although they were Baekhyun’s family, they still gave the very last moment to say goodbye to Chanyeol. They must have known how much Baekhyun loved him, how much they had loved each other, and he appreciated that.

 

With no one else around anymore, Chanyeol slowly slinked to the ground where he sat with his legs folded underneath himself, right in front of Baekhyun’s kneeling form. His fingers went to the grass in front of him and he tugged on the strands until they snapped, as if he was trying to find the courage to say more.

 

Baekhyun unfolded his hands from his lap and scooted closer, until his legs were almost touching Chanyeol’s, before he touched his boyfriend’s knees to show him he was there. The contact made Chanyeol inhale sharply and then exhale shakily, his eyes falling shut, which made Baekhyun’s heart thump in his chest.

 

“I- Baek?” his lover spoke, the tone so uncertain, “I know this is probably stupid, but I can’t help but feel like you’re here with me right now.” There was laughter, as if he really thought it was that ridiculous while Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel relieved.

 

“I am. You can’t hear me but you can feel, don’t you?” he asked right as his boyfriend placed his hands right on top of Baekhyun’s, at the end of his thighs. Chanyeol probably couldn’t feel it, Baekhyun told himself, but he did. He felt the warmth, the heaviness of those palms on top of his knuckles, and he whimpered quietly at the sensation.

 

“Or maybe I’m just going crazy. I haven’t had a wink of sleep since the night- since I found you out there. You were already gone by then, your pulse so faint… but I keep reliving the moment you died, the way I was holding you as you took your last breath. I know I should be happy that I was there, that in a way I had my goodbye, but I would give everything to unsee it.”

 

His lover sniffled quietly and brought up one hand to wipe at fresh tears, luckily fewer than he had cried before, “but I hope you felt it... That you felt me when you left this world, because if you did then all of this will at least have been worth it.”

 

Baekhyun swallowed hard, his skin on fire again as he was aching to make everything come to a standstill. He wanted to make the world around them fade, wanted to take Chanyeol in his arms and be there for him until everything else ceased to exist.

 

“I keep asking myself what I could have done differently. If maybe we should have moved sooner, if I should have begged harder for you to stay inside, but I know none of that matters now. I will only hate myself more if I keep thinking about ‘what if’s, about all the ways in which I could have saved you.”

 

“No, Chanyeol, don’t you dare hate yourself. Don’t you ing dare. You are the most perfect-” Baekhyun’s rant was interrupted by Chanyeol’s voice once more, his words spoken with such clarity and honesty that it left goosebumps on the back of his neck, his arms.

 

“If I could, I would take your place. Actually, I’ve thought about joining you… more than once.”

 

Baekhyun started shaking his head fervently, hands squeezing Chanyeol’s knees, “no you would not. I wouldn’t let you, I won’t let you. Chanyeol, I swear to god- or whatever -,” he heaved, “if you hurt yourself, I swear I will kill you.”

 

Chanyeol laughed, head tilted back slightly so he could look at the beautifully coloured clouds above their heads, “I bet if you were here right now you would have told me you would kill me for doing such a thing.”

 

It took away the tension in the air, made Baekhyun stop and pause so he could really look at Chanyeol and see him for what he was right now: a pained man in love. The way he smiled, the way he ached, it all showed how much he loved Baekhyun, and that was what brought peace to him.

 

The desperation, the agony of feeling so much at once, all of it was washed away to make place for the one emotion that had made his life as bright as it had been. Love.

 

Love had been his pillar, his oxygen. Having been Chanyeol’s, no matter how short their time together had been, had been the peak of his life. Both of their lives, it seemed.

 

“I don’t want to say goodbye, because you became my everything so quickly. You became sunshine, you became music, laughter and everything right in life. Dancing with you, singing with you, making love to you, talking… even the mundane things became special with you around. And now they just won’t be.”

 

Chanyeol sighed, eyes cast down, “doing dishes will just be dull without you to blow bubbles at me, and doing laundry will be a bore now I won’t find your coloured socks in with the whites. It’s- it’s difficult to see how much the tiniest things can mean, until you lose them completely.”

 

Baekhyun’s smile turned sad, the memories bringing him joy but also leaving him melancholic. He got exactly what Chanyeol was saying, what he was trying to make clear to him. He understood.

 

“But I will treasure those things forever, because you’ll be in my heart forever, you realise that, right? Giving up is not an option, I know that’s what you’d say, and although it’s hard for me to keep on living right now, I will. I’ll do it all for you, just like I know how strong you’ll be for me.”

 

Baekhyun’s lower lip trembled, the guilt and embarrassment at how he had lost his mind only minutes ago falling on him like a blanket, “you’re wrong, Yeol. I’m not that strong at all, not when it comes to you.”

 

“I know because you’re my Baekhyunee, only mine,” Chanyeol swallowed visibly before he smiled his teeth bare, eyes squeezing together but lacking the happiness that Baekhyun was used to seeing in them. He was trying, though, and Baekhyun had to be thankful for that.

 

It was the reason he got up on his knees, stretching out far enough so he could be face to face with his lover, even if those eyes wouldn’t be looking into his the way he was used to. Still, it was the only thing Baekhyun had left.

 

He brushed their noses together, hoping Chanyeol could feel the spark brought on by the touch in the same way he could. He allowed his eyes to slip shut as he tipped his chin up, breathlessly waiting for their lips to meet for the very last time.

 

The kiss was soft, unresponsive on Chanyeol’s side, but that was okay, because Baekhyun got to kiss his love, his everything, into the other’s mouth once more. It was why he tried to keep them locked for as long as he could, savouring this moment knowing it would be their last.

 

After this, Chanyeol would walk away like all the others had done and go back to his life. He’d mourn, Baekhyun knew that, but it was a process and so Chanyeol would move on eventually. The thought was strange yet soothing, and enough for Baekhyun to finally let go.

 

As he sat back he kept his eyes closed a little bit longer, holding on to the soft tingling left in his lips. He sat that way until his hands fell from Chanyeol’s knee, as his boyfriend got up and brushed the dirt off his pants.

 

Baekhyun watched him as he stepped up towards the coffin, only just walking past him, and bent down there again. The damping sound of metal against the satin-covered wood could be heard in the silence around them, and Baekhyun gulped as he realised it was the ring which he had put there.

 

They rose to their feet at the same time, Baekhyun turning to face Chanyeol’s back as his boyfriend stood facing the coffin that held his body.

 

“Thank you Baek, for your love. For everything you gave me,” Chanyeol whispered, the words sincere and proud, so unlike the tears from before. He was saying goodbye, for real now.

 

Overwhelmed with the sudden realisation that he’d have to let him go, Baekhyun took a step and closed the distance behind them so he could drop his head to Chanyeol’s shoulder and stay there for whatever time there was left for them.

 

“Thank you,” he whispered back, setting his jaw so he wouldn’t start crying like before. This was a beautiful ending, more than he could have asked for, and so he wasn’t allowed to cry any longer. Crying wouldn’t bring him back to life, it would only ruin the moments he had left with his love.

 

They spent the rest of their time standing there together, with Baekhyun resting his forehead against Chanyeol’s shoulder while his boyfriend looked down at his grave. Until the first drops of rain hit, soaking their shirts and hair almost immediately.

 

Baekhyun could hear them splatter against the grass one by one, could feel the way Chanyeol tensed and moved away when he realised, looking up at the sky to see it cry. It weeped the way Baekhyun’s heart was doing when he felt his boyfriend step aside.

 

The support he had had disappeared, forewarning him of the last goodbye to come as Chanyeol turned away from the coffin. His forehead was glistening with rain, his eyebrows furrowed together, and Baekhyun reached out to touch his arm, to make him stay. Five more minutes, all he wanted was just five more minutes.

 

But his hold did nothing, and Chanyeol walked. With large strides, shoulders hunched and head low, he walked away from Baekhyun. And Baekhyun watched him go, watched his walk turn into a sprint, the tall man running as if his life depended on it, hand wiping across his cheeks on every footfall.

 

Baekhyun stayed behind, feeling more hollow and colder with every second that passed as the love of his life got further and further away from him.

 

The sky opened up above him, unleashing a downpour that matched the heaviness of Baekhyun’s heart as he ended up falling to the ground, all alone. Goodbyes were hard, but they were even harder when they were final, and this one was. He knew it was.

 

Tired and worn-out by emotions, Baekhyun draped himself over his casket and closed his eyes. The rain washed over him, feeling just like the waterfall of blood that had run down his body right before death had claimed him.

 

Mindlessly his fingers trailed across the coffin, until they had found the ring that Chanyeol had put on there. He stared at it from where he was lying, at the tiny diamonds and how delicate the band was, noticing how much thought Chanyeol must have put into it, into what Baekhyun would have liked.  

 

He sighed forlornly as the gold caught on his finger, needing some wriggling to get into place, but once it sat, Baekhyun’s breath caught in his throat at the sight. The ring fit perfectly and looked dazzling on his slender finger as he held out his hand to look at it.

 

In another world, Baekhyun would actually get to wear it. In another life, he’d be able to say it. “I do.”

 

But here, in this reality, Baekhyun only got to imagine. With eyes closed he tried to paint the picture of him walking down the aisle, with Chanyeol waiting for him at the end with the most beautiful smile on his face.

 

He imagined their first kiss as a married couple, cutting the cake and, of course, their first dance together. Maybe the love in their eyes would have sparked two strangers to dance too, and maybe they would fall for each other much in the same way he and Chanyeol had done, making history repeat itself.

 

Baekhyun could almost feel Chanyeol’s arms around his waist, like they had been that first night, their cheeks pressed together as they swayed to the notes of their favourite song to dance to. He could almost hear the whispering sounds of his lover talking in his ear before he pressed a kiss to his jaw.

 

It felt so real, so perfect and warm, that Baekhyun’s breathing evened out and his body went numb in the same way it had done right before he had died. Death was a lot like falling in love, the feeling of it final, but the emotion behind it so different.

 

As he opened his eyes again, body still unmoving but mind now panicking slightly, his vision swam in white. Like a thick fog in front of his eyes, making the ring and the world around him fade, going soft and blurry, and Baekhyun held on to his coffin as everything began to spin.

 

The memory of his death returned, the feeling of losing control much the same, but unlike then his world became brighter and brighter, as white as snow instead of pitch black.

 

His ears were back to ringing, his lungs unable to inhale, but through it all he felt the weight of the ring on his finger and he thought back to everything Chanyeol had told him. Every word of love he had been left with.

 

And even though no one could see him there and Chanyeol was long gone, he folded his hands and prayed one last time, wishing that those last thoughts would make it back to his lover, one way or another.

 

I love you, now and forever.  

 

 

[author's note: I'm posting the alternative happy ending tomorrow (Baek's bday) so if u want that u know]