She shouldn’t be here.

Not when she detests everything about this place. From the smell of coffee that makes her nauseous to the taste too bitter that can easily ache her stomach when consumed. In addition, their green tea latte — or, the only thing she finds drinkable at coffee shops — is too bland for her liking. Coffee shop surely has to be on her list of ten places that she absolutely hates; along with shady streets, crowded train stations, noisy bars, and that one gay club Yerim somehow managed to get the both of them in (despite the fact that the latter was — at that time — underage. But that’s a story for another day).

To sum up, Joohyun dislikes everything about this coffee shop.

So why am I here again?

“Because there’s a really cute barista and you have been staring at her for at least two hours now,” Sooyoung says without diverting her eyes from the Organic Chemistry homework that they should be working on together.

“What—”

“You’re thinking out loud again, unnie” replies the girl with little to no emotion.

Oh.

Scratch that, Joohyun dislikes everything about this coffee shop, except for the cute (really really cute) barista.

Her name is Seungwan. She found out from Sooyoung after their fifth visit to the place. Unlike Joohyun, the girl actually looks at other things — and in this case, a name tag — beside Seungwan’s face when ordering. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Joohyun had never found beauty in names before, but everything about Seungwan screams pretty so her name will not be an exception.

Joohyun has been visiting the coffee shop every single day for the last three weeks now, ever since that one time she thought she saw an angel outside of the place as Seungwan was watering the plants. She had never believed in what they called love-at-first-sight but damn did she just fall hard and deep right there. Every time, Joohyun aways remembers to drag Yerim or Sooyoung or sometimes, both, along.

“For companionship,” Joohyun reasons every time Sooyoung asks why the hell they have to come here to work on homework when it always ends up with the older stealing glances — staring — at the girl behind the counter.

“It’s because she doesn’t want the cute barista to think of her as a creepy loner,” Yerim backfires and Joohyun doesn’t even bother denying. Well, she’s not wrong.

~~~~~

Today is the twenty-third time she’s come here and yet there’s still no progress in making a move on Seungwan except for her mustered up “H-hi” which is soon followed by a “I’d like one green tea latte please.”

“Really, unnie, you’ve got to do something about this crush of yours.” Sooyoung whines, “Going here every goddamn day is gonna burn a hold in my wallet.”

“Yeah, why don’t you just confess to her already?” Followed by Yerim, “Any of the gays would not dare to turn you down.”

“That’s the point!” Joohyun raises her voice frustratedly and continues with a long sigh, “I don’t even know if she’s into girls.”

Sooyoung calmly chimes in, “Why don’t you start on courting her?” Unlike Yerim, Sooyoung has no interest in her little crush. Instead, the girl is more focused on her piles of homework and deadlines coming up. “Anyway, you need to stop it. Both the staring and the thinking out loud. They’ll get you in trouble someday.”

“You definitely need to make a move. I mean, it’s been weeks now but she hasn’t noticed you staring. She’s probably too oblivious to ever notice. So you can’t just pray that she somehow knows and approaches you first. The waiting game is not going to work here.”

Yerim’s right. But the thing is, for now, she’s absolutely fine with being a little admirer (“stalker,” Sooyoung scoffs) and not having any progress because she’s fully content with merely looking at Seungwan everyday from afar. This way, she wouldn’t have to risk being rejected nor having her heart broken.

So Joohyun concludes, this is absolutely enough.

~~~~~

Scratch that. This is not enough.

Because to her dislike, there’s something else she has to see during the course of looking at the person she’s totally infatuated with. And that’s the flirting.

Joohyun should have expected this. Of course she isn’t the only one who finds the barista attractive. There’re this college kid with hideous blue hair, a high school boy with cheesy pick up lines —who she hopes made a fool out of himself—, and a girl who looks very familiar.

(Wait! That’s Kang Seulgi from English class! Why the heck is she flirting with—? This — She makes a note to glare at the said girl the next time they meet in class.)

There are certainly more than just the three of them but Joohyun stops counting after Seulgi because doing so would make her blood boil more than it already does. Joohyun thinks their flirting is absolutely embarrassing but they somehow always managed to put a smile on Seungwan’s face.

Yerim’s voice runs in her head, “You definitely need to make a move.”

~~~~~

Yerim’s laugh is piercing through the silence of the library before Joohyun could put a hand to so that they wouldn’t be kicked out of the place again. Sooyoung, on the other hand, is dumbfounded and only manages to blurt out a question.

“So you decided to dye your hair pink to out do Blue haired boy? Practice smiling to strangers to beat that Seulgi girl? And look up goddam pick up lines to flirt?”

Sooyoung emphasizes at the “flirt,” wondering how on earth does Joohyun think that flirting is the right way to get to her crush; when they have surely talked about making a move that involves small but sincere talks and something about taking the effort to know each other better. “No way, unnie. The hair has already been done, you look quite good by the way, the smiling sounds great but hell no are you going to flirt.”

“But that’s what they all do!” Joohyun defends, “and Seungwan looks very happy when they do.” Burying her face at her palms, Joohyun’s tired at the thoughts of wooing the barista. This is so not-Joohyun. She never has to do this before.

“That’s why you have to be different” Yerim finally decomposes herself after a good laugh, hands on her belly to stop the ache from laughing so much. While Joohyun just wants to dig a hole and burry herself there so she won’t have to face the embarrassment and potential heartbreak that would come with “making-a-move.”

~~~~~

Now that pick up lines are out of the window, Joohyun tries other things. She contemplates writing Seungwan letter, even a poem but that’s also out of the window because why the heck is there no word that rhymes with Seungwan.

So she settles with something Yerim and Sooyoung make her memories that goes basically “I think you’re cute and I want to know you better so would you like to go out for lunch with me sometimes?”

She agrees this does sound better than her two-pages long letter or abandoned poem. “But first,” Yerim says, “small talks.”

~~~~~

Small talks with Seungwan are just as terrifying as public speaking. When public speaking makes you want to drop whatever you’re rambling and run out the door, talking with Seungwan and seeing that beautiful smile of hers make your legs numb and Joohyun thinks she’s going to melt right here on the other side of the counter from where the girl’s at.

But once the moment passes, she can’t help but rewind the whole scene in her head over and over again because according to Yerim’s cheer, “she’s made it!”

(Seungwan greets her the moment she walks up to the counter and plashes her usual shinny smile.

“Good morning Joohyun! The usual?”

Any other day, Joohyun would shyly say “Yes, please” and move to the other side to wait for her tasteless green tea latte. But today Joohyun is determined to talk to the girl for more than five seconds so she throws out the window the only order she could drink in this horrible coffee shop.

“No- not really, I didn’t get any sleep yesterday. You know, Bio test and all. So I need something to get me through the day. Uhm... any recommendations?” Joohyun silently praises herself for not stumbling — well, not that much — or giving up mid-sentence.

“We do have expresso” Seungwan replies with her perfect English pronunciation and beams with happiness (how on earth is the girl always filled with so much energy?). “That’s what students usually get when they’re running for deadlines.”

Totally clueless about coffee or anything related to it, Joohyun goes with es-per-res-what(?) and finishes her order. “I’ll have that, please.”

Es-per-res-something is horrible. The color is too black for her liking and she has to gulp down a bottle of water to get rid of that bitter aftertaste lingering on her tongue. She pushes the cup to Sooyoung, who drinks it without a change in expression (how—?). The slight ache in her stomach comes during lunch and she blames it all on her stupid heart — not on Seungwan, the girl’s an angel. But at the end of the day, all she knows is this time, she manages to say more than one sentence to the barista and this is definitely a good start.)

~~~~~

From the next daily small talk, Joohyun finds out that Seungwan is one year younger than her and that they go to the same university. Joohyun cheers at the possibility that they could hang out between classes or go on quick dates if things happen the way she hopes they would.

In the next few days, she finds out that Seungwan has a double major in Math and Music theory because the girl’s just that smart. While Joohyun majors in the boring but secured Biology. There goes her hopes of them taking the same classes.

After another two weeks of small talks, Joohyun finds out that Seungwan — unlike what she had assumed — doesn’t enjoy pick up lines nor flirting. She silently thanks Sooyoung and Yerim and makes a note to buy them rolled ice cream at that place they’re currently obsessed with. Reminded of her "opponents," Joohyun laughed at Blue haired boy, Seulgi, and that high school kid with cheesy lines from the internet. Sorry kids, Seungwan’s mine.

~~~~~

“Honestly, unnie. You need to move faster before that Seulgi girl steals your crush. She’s quite hot, you know.”

It has been close to three months ever since she’s developed a crush for Seungwan. And both Yerim and Sooyoung are sick of the taste of coffee, or tea, or lemonade — basically everything that they’ve been ordering for the last three months. She has the feelings that they are getting sick of her love life as well. Yerim has stopped asking questions about Seungwan and pushing her to make progress while Sooyoung has never been so interested in the first place. But Joohyun’s still thankful for her two friends because they’re the ones beside her ever since the start of such crush.

To her surprise, things between her and Seungwan are going absolutely the way she wants. No, of course, they are still far from being girlfriends. But she can proudly say that they’re more than acquaintances. Friends, maybe.

At least she hasn’t done anything that could ruin everything they have (and everything she has daydreamed of).

The day she confesses her feelings to the barista could be the day she s up. So she ignores Sooyoung’s “Please, unnie. If things go wrong, Seungwan is too kind to stay mad at you for confessing to her. She’ll probably feel sorry for rejecting you and if it comes down to that, then you two can just laugh it off and stay as friends. And you can finally move on from this dreadful love of yours.”

The younger girl does make sense. But Joohyun is too afraid at the thought of her heart breaking into pieces and the awkwardness that comes afterwards to gather up the courage and confess.

So she reassures herself, “baby steps.”

The confession will have to wait another day. As for now, their small talks are enough to keep her happy throughout the days.

~~~~~

“You’re disgusting.”

She ignores Yerim, who’s looking at her with judgmental eyes, and giggles at the two movie tickets to the first air of Endgame that she managed to buy after an hour of sitting in front of her computer and constantly refreshing the website. (This was exactly like Yerim and Sooyoung that one time they tried to buy tickets to a Red Velvet concert.) She recalls from one of their conversations that Seungwan is extremely excited for the movie, something about being a huge Marvel fan. Even though superheroes movies are not her favorite cup of tea (she prefers melodramas like The Notebook because duh Rachel McAdams is hot), the thought of having Seungwan sitting beside her in a freaking movie theater on their platonic but hopefully something more date is enough to send butterflies to her stomach and a wide grin to her face.

She feels happiness everywhere in the coffee shop the moment she and Yerim walked through the door. And right there behind the counter is the lovely Seungwan who greets her as soon as their eyes meet.

“Good morning, Joohyun! What can I get for you today?” Seungwan beams an oh so bright smile at her and she can feel her heart skipping a beat. The sun should be found jobless in a ditch when there’s Seungwan.

“I’d like one green tea latte.” Joohyun looks down at her fidgeting hands holding the movie tickets, attempting to stop the warm rush from making her face red. Along with a kiss on the lips from you.

She giggles to herself at the thought. But wait—

Why is everyone—

She freezes at the thought that she might have just said it out loud because suddenly every stare is on her — especially the cute barista’s, who’s looking at her with surprise plashed all over her face.

Her world stops for a few good minutes and it’s when she hears Yerim’s “Oopsie” from behind that she knows she ed up.

.

All her brain can register are incoherent words of “I — — I’m so sorry — this is stupid — why did I —” before leaving one of the movie ticket on the counter as an apology while mumbling another “Sorry — I shouldn’t have —” and running straight out the door.

She runs and runs until she meets the door of her own apartment. As soon as the door shuts close and there is only Joohyun between the empty walls, she slides her body down the wooden door. Her left hand grips the movie ticket until it crumbles into a ball of nothing and she cries at the thought that there will never be any dates between classes, or movie hangouts like she had always imagined, or anything at all. Heck there won’t be any more small talks and her life will revolve back to studying for biology tests and no more Seungwan.

She feels like a fool for assuming that she and Seungwan could one day be a thing. The girl is probably not into girls. Heck she even told Joohyun how she hated picked up lines that made her cringe but flirting and picked up lines are exactly what she blurted out to her. Stupid stupid stupid.

Joohyun cries and pours out all her heart and feelings and dreams with Seungwan until her eyes are swollen and all that’s left for her is the emptiness within. It only hits her now that the person she’s been dreaming of a future with all this time never looks at her the same way. While every little detail about those small talks they had shared turned Joohyun’s days from cloudy to absolutely luminous, they’re probably nothing more than just quick conversations between working hours with a newly made friend to Seungwan.

She cries more at the thought of how pathetic she’s been. Because that’s what she is. A pathetic dreamer. (“Then you can finally move on from this dreadful love of yours”) Sooyoung was right, she should move on. But she doesn’t know how to even start when Seungwan has managed to make her days bright and rainbows. And if moving on means leaving her delusional but happy dreams of joyful occasions with Seungwan behind and getting back to a life without her, then she doesn’t want to do so. She drags her body lazily to the sofa and burrows her face onto a pillow until the tears dry out and all that’s left is the hollowness that comes with a broken heart.

~~~~~

It’s been almost a week since the unfortunate occasion and she hasn’t returned to the coffee shop ever since. This time, Joohyun is grateful for the fact that she and Seungwan have different majors so there is no chance of them meeting inside this huge university. Beside, Seungwan probably doesn’t even care enough to come to the biology building to find her.

She’s doing better, though, with the help of Sooyoung and Yerim. Even Sooyoung, who barely gives a about anything, brought pizza and two tubs of vanilla ice cream to her apartment the other night (Yerim tagged along, of course). The three of them talked until wee hours and the next day, she still thinks about Seungwan but the thought doesn’t hurt as much as it did before. She thinks it helps with the heartbreak.

~~~~~

Saturday comes. It’s awful because she’s reminded of the pretty barista and their supposed movie date tonight. The crumbled up movie ticket still lies cold, heartlessly on her coffee table. She hasn’t yet had the heart to throw away the last thing (if there was anything) between her and Seungwan. After all, it was never Seungwan’s fault — more of hers, actually. She happens to fall in love with the girl who doesn’t love her back, that’s all.

“You know, unnie, that piece of trash is not going to clean after itself if you just stare at it.” Sooyoung said from the refrigerator, probably looking for any edible leftover food, followed by Yerim’s giggles on the other side of the sofa.

“It’s a movie ticket to Endgame.” Here comes a long sigh.

“I think you should go, unnie. You spent more than an hour and twelve thousands won just to get that ticket. You deserve to at least have some fun out of it.”

Yerim does makes sense. It’s a waste if she doesn’t go and what’s a better way to overcome a heartbreak than watching a bunch of people (superheroes?) trying to kill each other —or is it their enemies? Beside, the movie is said to be one of the most expected this year, so why not?

The possibility that Seungwan might also be there scares her a little because she did give her a ticket to this movie. But then again, Seungwan probably had thought it was some trash paper and thrown it away already.

~~~~~

Joohyun was right, Seungwan doesn’t come.

There’s an unoccupied G18 seat — the one she picked for the barista — right next to her G17. And Joohyun doesn’t know if she’s supposed to feel happy or sad at the sight of the emptiness but her feelings have been weird these days (ever since — no, don’t mention it). Feelings are unlabeled and right now she’s told herself that she should be happy because she doesn’t know how to face the barista again. But there’s a tug on her already shattered heart at the thought that everything is really over.

So it’s best not to talk about it.

It’s thirty minutes into the movie and Seungwan still hasn’t come (stop it! She won’t come). All Joohyun can register — to keep herself from looking at the empty seat beside her — is what’s going on? How the heck are they all superheroes? How many are there? Fifty? And damn Captain Marvel is quite hot.

From the corner of her eyes, she sees a figure moving through the row and slumping down on the chair next to hers — Seungwan’s seat. What the - I paid for that seat. And before she can muster up an excuse me I think you have the wrong seat, her body freezes as she is met with the sight of a familiar smile of the pretty (very very pretty) barista.

“Hi!” Even with lowered voice, the happiness still lingers because she’s Seungwan.

“H-hi” remember when she said she wanted to dig a whole and burry her self? Now would be the perfect time to do so.

Joohyun quickly adjusts her sight back to the screen, to anything — including the neon Exit board that’s so tempting — but the younger girl. Yet her mind flows back and forth between “god it’s her” and “I want to kill myself.”

Before the tears start swelling up, she stands up, gathers her belongings, and leaves — amid the complaints from the rows behind hers and Seungwan’s “Joohyun wait up— ”

It feels like Déjà Vu because here she is again, running away from the girl she loves and another heartbreak that would hurt like hell for the next few days—months, even. She goes straight to the women’s restroom and tries to prevent the tears from overflowing because once they’re out, she isn’t sure when they’ll stop. And it’ll be an ugly sight, even more so since she’s out in public and not between the four familiar walls of her apartment.

She stays in the restroom until she’s made sure that the tears wouldn’t swell up again. She reminds herself to not buy Yerim ice cream for another week because going to the movie and enjoying yourself is a horrible idea. She’ll definitely tell her two friends about today, though, and how it turns out that she hasn’t moved on one bit from the heartbreak.

But never on earth does she expect to be greeted with Seungwan’s face — the one she had spent enough time looking at to know so well — the moment she comes out of the restroom. She turns on her heels and quickly moves back. Although it is obvious that she’s avoiding the girl, is there a better idea? Making a complete fool out of herself is not something she wants to experience again.

Before she gets to close the door, she’s stopped by Seungwan’s firm yet gentle grip around her wrist.

“Wait, Joohyun. I like you, too.”

She wants to cry again because this is so Seungwan. Too sweet for the world yet unintentionally — obliviously — cruel at the same time. And she’s fallen too deep into the abyss to even know how to get up and leave.

But she needs to leave.

“No, you don’t.” She sighs, tired of all the running and the hurting, “I like you in that way and it’s okay if you don’t feel—”

“But I do!” Seungwan cuts her off, “Talking to you is what I look forward to the most during my boring shifts. And when those boys just want to get me out on dates or on their beds, you’re the only one who actually wants to know more about me.”

She loosens her grip on Joohyun’s wrist, looking down to the tip of her shoes. “You don’t even know how I disappointed I was every time I waited for you until the store closes but you never showed up!”

Joohyun is dumbfounded. All this time she’s s been avoiding the girl she loves, who turns out to have feelings for her, too. Seungwan has never looked so vulnerable before and she’s to blame. So she takes the girl into her embrace — tight and firm as if to say I won’t run away again, I promise — and whispers soft words of apology to her ears.

She doesn’t let go of the girl until the both of them have somewhat calmed down. And when she does, she only loosens up her hold a little so that they can look at each other’s face.

“So...” Seungwan starts, letting the words linger on. A side effect of an unusual shyness that comes with a newly blossomed love.

“So...” Joohyun continues, “Do you want to go back to the movie or ...”

“Nah. I missed the first thirty minutes of it anyway. Oh, sorry I was late. The coffee shop was a little more crowded than expected.” Seungwan says, followed by Joohyun’s small giggles.

“Great. I have no idea what was happening anyway.” Seungwan chuckles at the remark and all she can think to herself is god I do miss her laugh.

“Do you want to grab dinner? I know a good pizza place.”

“Pizza sounds good.” The barista tiptoes and places a kiss on her cheek before holding onto her wrist and leading the both of them out of the movie theater.

They walk in the parking lot, heading towards the older girl’s car. With fingers still intertwined and minds chanting different variants of god this is perfect.

“Say, Seungwan, is this a date?”

The barista looks to her right, showing that brighter-than-the-sun smile but this time, it’s directing at her and only her.

“It’s a date.”

~~~~~

Fast forward and this time, Seungwan is lying on Joohyun’s sofa with her head on the latter’s lap. While her fingers are busy playing with the younger girl’s hair.

“Blue is, indeed, my favorite color but have you seen it on his head? Yuck he looks hideous.” The barista scoffs at the mention of one of her least favorite customers (who keeps bothering her with his conversations about video games and the apparently latest version of PlayStation and hey, do you want to come over to my place so we can play together)

Joohyun laughs at her girlfriend’s obvious dislike for Blue haired boy.

“How about Seulgi? She’s quite a catch.”

“Seulgi? Kang Seulgi? Why is Seulgi in your list of my admirers? Seulgi is my best friend.”

Oh.

“Beside, my mind was too occupied with the thoughts about this one beautiful girl who comes in everyday for a green tea latte to notice anyone else anyway.”

Unlike Joohyun, Seungwan doesn’t say her thoughts out loud, but there’s a cryptic message between her words that sounds a lot like,

“It’s you.

It has been you all along."