Jiyong shuffled to his feet, scurrying down the hallway then down stairs when he heard a loud knock against his front door. His eyebrows furrowed together in confusion because clearly he wasn't
expecting anyone at this unbelievable hour and who the hell would knock at his door in this rainy
evening? And the timing was terrible, he stayed up all night just to finish his paper works and this
was the only time he'd gotten the chance to sleep proplerly.

He reached the door and opened it slowly, cold air hitting his skin making him shiver as shaky
breathe escaped his lips when his eyes landed on the person in his doorway. It was him, Jiyong wasn't expecting that, in fact he was the least person he thought would show up at his house.

“Seunghyun? What are you doing here?” Jiyong questions, his heart beginning to pick up it's pace. Just seeing his face and feeling his presence makes his heart beats faster than he'd thought it would be.

Seunghyun's eyes were glued at him, He didn't answer immediately instead he just smiled at Jiyong first. It took him a while to respond to the question. “Can I come in first?” He spoke with his deep and rough voice but his words were a bit slurred. By the time he spoke those words, Jiyong knew what was going on. He was drunk off his again.

Jiyong closes his eyes as he took a deep breathe, “Seunghyun, I don't think-" He didn't have the chance to finish his sentence because the older man cut him off almost instantly.

“Can I come in, Ji?” Seunghyun had asked again, this time his voice was soft. He knew he'd get Jiyong with his words, He knew he would fall for it over again.

“I think you should call Daesung to come and pick you up, You're drunk.” He muttered looking directly at his eyes, “You should really stop doing this.” 

Seunghyun chuckles, “Doing what?”

“This.” The younger man says as he points at himself and towards Seunghyun making gestures between them, he couldn't form it clearly with words.

“I don't understand. What do you mean by this?” Seunghyun mutters, confusion written on his face because of Jiyong's ambiguous words.

Jiyong sighs, “You have this habit to come at my house when you're drunk then sleep at my bed and leave even before the sun sets. Stop doing this to me, Seunghyun. So, Leave now before I even shut this door.” He finishes putting his hand on the door, “Call daesung to pick you up.” He added as he was about to close his door, a strong force came to stop him. 

“Hyung!” Jiyong almost shouts, “I said leave!” 

Seunghyun kept his hand on the door handle, “You're going to let me die here outside? It's raining and I'm freezing to death.” He says and his breathe really smells alcohol. “This will be the last time, I promise.”  He already told Jiyong that a lot of times but it didn't happen. He didn't keep his promise.

Jiyong stares at him for a while until he gave up and let Seunghyun in. He cursed at himself for letting this to happen again, He already told himself million times that he won't let this man fooled him again but he'd guess he was just to weak and his love for Seunghyun was too strong to resist. 

He closes the door then walks away from Seunghyun going up to his room but he heard his heavy footsteps following him behind. When he reached his bedroom, Jiyong shuts the door then climbed in his bed cuddling with the sheets. He heard the door being open and then shut again, Seunghyun stood at the doorway watching Jiyong as he glances at every inch of his face like he's the most precious person he'd ever met in his life. 

Jiyong watches as Seunghyun undresses himself with nothing but his boxers revealing his firm and toned body, he climbed into his bed pulling him close as Jiyong's head was resting on his chest. He could hear Seunghyun's heart beats and again, Jiyong felt at home as if he was at his safest, he could feel the security with the older man's embrace and there is a genuine smile creeped onto his lips. If he would be honest with himself, He'd prefer when Seunghyun is drunk because that's the only way he could feel his love and sincerity towards him.

They've been in an on and off relationship and last time he’d hecked Seunghyun had broken things up with him last three months ago so he had no reasons to come at Jiyong but he did and it became a habit, everytime he was drunk he'd come to Jiyong and he would accept him easily. Sometimes, They would sleep with each other and the never ending no string attached relationship goes on. 

Sure, for Seunghyun it was probably just with benefits thing but for Jiyong it wasn't just like that, He still loves Seunghyun with all of his heart and he doesn't think he'll get over him anytime soon. How could he move on that easy when everytime he's not sober, he'd come to Jiyong and tell him he misses him. He would utters words that could get Jiyong fall for him. It's not that easy for Jiyong, at least.

“You're so gorgeous, Ji.” Seunghyun's drunken voice spoke, a goofy smile on his face as he looks at Jiyong fondly and the latter looks up at him. “Not even Van Gogh can make a masterpiece just as perfect as you.” Here he is again, his romantic self is showing and Jiyong hopes that it was as genuine as his feelings towards the other man. 

“Do you mean that?” He asks softly letting his insecurities eat him alive.

Seunghyun kisses his forehead, “I do. I mean it.” 

Jiyong couldn't speak, he cups Seunghyun's face and traces his sharp jaw. “And you're undeniably handsome.” 

The older man's laughs echoed through the room, “I know that.” He says giving Jiyong a wink, “But it's not about me, It's about you. Baby, You're the most beautiful person I've ever met and I love you so much, It hurts seeing you cry and I know I'm the reason for your tears, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings in whatever ways.” Seunghyun continues as if without Jiyong he'd be in the darkness trying to find an unexisting escape. “I don't know what I did to deserve you. You deserved better, way better than an like me but you still stay with me and I would be lying if I say that I didn't love you because I do, I do love you more that you'll ever know.” Seunghyun finishes as he caresses Jiyong's cheeks, “I love you, okay? No matter what I say I'll always love you.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah, I will love you as long as God allows me to.”
At that moment, Jiyong couldn't help himself. He finally let his tears fell from his eyes because of his words, It was overwhelming. It was calming yet so hurtful. He'd been waiting for those words to come out of Seunghyun's mouth and finally it came. 

“Hey. Hey. Baby, Why are you crying?” Seunghyun immediately utters as held Jiyong as close as he could.

Jiyong shakes his head, “Did you really mean those words, Seunghyun? Do you really love me?” He asks between his hiccups.

Seunghyun nodded, smiling fondly, “I do. I love you, Jiyong. Very much.” 

“Then why'd you ended things with us? You broke up with me.” Saying those words hurt Jiyong a lot, He'd hate the word end and as much as possible he avoided to say that word but he had to. 

Seunghyun's face changed, It was visible in his eyes that he was guilty over something. It took him awhile to answer. “Because I'm too complicated to deal with.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I'm just too complicated, Ji. Really, really complicated.”“

Enlighten me, please. Will you?”

“Do you still love me Jiyong?” Seunghyun had asked not answering Jiyong's question. 

Jiyong nodded his head straightway, “I love you, Seunghyun. I love you so much and sometimes it hurts. If I didin't love you I wouldn't let you in. I love you so much.”

I wish I didn't though, He thought to himself.

“I'm sorry for ignoring your calls and messages, I'm sorry for forgetting your birthday and I'm sorry for getting drunk.” He says chuckling at himself, “I'm just sorry for everything. I treated you for the past months and I'm regretting everything. I promise, I'll be a good boyfriend from now on.”

It wasn't new though, It was a routine Jiiyong learned to live everyday.

“Boyfriend?” 

“Yeah,” He says softly, “Will you be mine again, Ji?”

Jiyong freezes at his spot, He perfectly knew Seunghyun is drunk off his and he doesn't mean that. It's the alcohol taking. But he remembered Youngbae's words and those kept replaying on his head.

 “Drunken words are sober thoughts, Ji.” 

“I took daesung's advices yesterday when I went with him to buy his new car and I told him I will win you back and treat you the way you deserved to.” So he thought about it when he wasn't drunk, he was sober. He knew what he was saying and doing.

“Seunghyun?” Jiyong says looking up at his hyung.

“Yes, baby?” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

“I'm yours forever.”

“So you're mine again?”

“Yeah. Absolutely.” Jiyong had uttered happily looking brightly at Seunghyun, “Just don't forget this tomorrow, You're going to tell me you love me again when you're sober, yeah?”

“Why would I forget it? And Ji, baby, I'm not drunk. I'm perfectly sober.” Seunghyun says between his laughs.

Jiyong smiles lightly, “You're a bit drunk. Just please don't forget this when you wake up.”

“I won't, okay? Stop with your worries, babe.” Seunghyun says as he kisses Jiyong softly as he took his time exploring his mouth, his hands finding it's way to Jiyong's waist holdiing him as tightly as possible. Seunghyun finally pulled away, kissing his lips one more time.

“You're too cute.” Seunghyun mutters giving Jiyong a kiss on the nose. 

Jiyong smiled, He really did prefer a drunk Seunghyun over a sober Seunghyun. He wants drunk Seunghyun.

 “Let's go to sleep so we can make breakfast tomorrow morning.” 

“Can we stay up a bit longer? I still want to talk to you.” Jiyong asks all of his worries came back instantly. “Can we?” 

“I'm a bit tired, baby. And besides, We can spend time tomorrow. You need to rest too, You're looking like a panda now.” He half joke, “We have the whole day tomorrow, yeah?” 

Jiyong wasn't sure about that.

“Okay.” That's all Jiyong can say as he hugs the oldern man tightly. “Just don't forget about this tomorrow.” He whispers but he had heard him.

“I won't.”

“I'll cling onto that.”

“And, Ji?”

“Hmm?”“

I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

 

Why is it so different when we wake up?

The first thing Jiyong registered when he woke up was the intensely bright ray of sunlight beaming directly into his eye fromt his window after he’d frowned and turned his body on the left side of the bed he felt nothing but emptiness next to him, the same feeling he wakes up to everyday. Just seconds later, he heard shuffling on the bathroom before the door opened, Seunghyun walked out dressed with his clothes from yesterday. Jiyong noticed that he was perfectly fine, perfectly sober, he might add. He wanted to say something to him but no matter how much he tried, there's no words that could come out of his mouth so he stayed silent, praying that Seunghyun will remember everything he had said to Jiyong last night. He should, though. 

He sat up slowly pressing his back against the headboard then sets his eyes to the man in front of him. There are thousand of words he needed to say, hundred of questions he wanted to ask but his own self wouldn't let him say anything. Maybe Jiyong was just afraid and scared of getting an answer from Seunghyun, He was terrified he'll never get the words he wanted to hear from the older man. Yeah, That's probably it. He doesn't want another rejection from the man he loves dearly.

The atmosphere inside Jiyong's room was awkward and the silence was dreadful until he heard him cleared his throat.

“I have to go.” Seunghyun muttered, voice blank but then he was looking at Jiyong expressionless. “I don't know why I went here last night so sorry for bothering you, I was probably too drunk off my to go home.” 

Those words were ing bullets and hit Jiyong directly on his heart. That ing hurt him, big time.
No Jiyong, Don't say anything, Don't even ask him. His thoughts on his head, He shouldn't ask but he have to hear it then cry himself to sleep again. “You don't remember anything?” 

That made Seunghyun wandered his eyes as if he was thinking about something, he then shook his head. “Remember, What?”

Jiyong was silent, He couldn't say anything, his lips are trembling he just wanted to cry his eyes out but then he promised to himself he wouldn't cry in front of Seunghyun again, he wouldn't. He'll going to save it for later. “You don't remember then.” He said unadible.

“Look, Jiyong. I don't know what happened yesterday, okay? Did—I mean, Did we sleep together again?”  

Jiyong shakes his head.

“That's good. Yeah, that's good.” Seunghyun says, “You know that I don't remember a single thing or even don't know what what I'm doing when I'm drunk, right?”

Jiyong nods his head.

“If I said something ridiculous last night i'm sorry for that, I shouldn't have drunk too much.” Seunghyun sighs can be heard through the room.
Jiyong shakes his head in disbelief, “Ridiculous.” He chuckles, “Right. Ridiculous.”

“ I don't know why I'm always coming back here whenever I'm drunk, I guess it just became a habit. But, I won't allow that to happen again, Jiyong. I'm sorry.” 

No matter how much Jiyong denied it, He wants Seunghyun to always show up in an unbelievable hour at his front door  then come to bed with Jiyong because that's the only way he could be with him. No.matter how much it hurts, He wouldn't complain now, at least he can have Seunghyun in that way. And right now, Seunghyun was still here even after the sun sets, He was happy for that too, He was happy it hurts. He knows for a fact that he's becoming a martyr now.

“It's okay.” That's all Jiyong can say.

Seunghyun moved off of his feet and went on the night stand to grab his phone and checked the time then he speaks again, “Thank you for letting me stay the night.” He said for the last time then moved to reach the door, He held the door knob then looked back at Jiyong again, “This will be the last time.” Then Seunghyun made his exit shutting the door leaving Jiyong alone in his room.

Jiyong stares blankly at the door for a good three minutes then the tears spilled on his face uncontrollably.

You don't know how to love me when you're sober.