Calm.

 

Empty.

 

Two words. Two completely different words was all that came up to me, staring straight ahead, straight into nothingness as I stood on the edge of the balcony; staring at the smoke I illicit through my mouth as I flick the ashes away from my cigarette, ready to take another drag.

One long & final drag.

I sigh deeply.

 

I miss her.

 

I miss her more at times. At times like this, more specifically.

Do you ever just get that feeling, an empty feeling. One where you aren't sure wether what kind of feeling it actually is. But you're thankful that there's something.That there's actually something.

 

The need to feel.

 

I exhaled the last wave of smoke, letting the grey cloud fade and walk my way back inside. Wearing the same fake smile I have managed to pull off over the years.

 

It has been nearly five years since I last spoke to her. The love of my life. My first love. My only love. Despite all of the relationships I've been in. I had to chuckle.

We were never really together.

We were best friends.

 

Were.

 

I found myself smiling over nothing again. Still lost in the last few memories of her.

 

 

"Hey, are you okay?" I heard my co-worker say, noticing I've been smiling, alone in my desk.

 

A sad, empty feeling.

 

"Yeah."

 

"You sure?"

 

"Sure. What's up?"

 

"Nothing. I just noticed you smiling like a creepy idiot. Did you finally go on that date?" She teased, going on about that guy who's been endlessly asking me out. Not knowing the reason behind that smile was far from happy. A sad smile, was all that there is. But then again, no one was ever able to actually read me.

 

They knew nothing.

 

"Not really."

 

"Oh." Was all she said. Then continued going on again about all the stress and gossips at work. Again, I just nodded and laughed at whatever it was she said. It has always been this way.

 

The moment she went back to her table, I went back and put on the same facade again. Continue work like nothing happened. Couldn't wait to be done for the day.

 

I heard someone calling for me not long after.

I just finished working through another document; files I needed to be done with whatever's left for the incremental business I won over the week.

"Hey, Lisa."

 

"Yep?" I raised an eyebrow.

 

"The boss wants you in her office."

 

"Okay, I'll be there in a sec."

I closed the document and grabbed my pen. Walking straight to the office at the other end.

 

 

"Hi, Lisa. How have you been?" I was instantly greeted the moment I entered.

 

"Good, thank you."

 

"Please, have a seat." I did.

 

"So." She, again, smiled. "You've been doing really well these past couple of months." She declared. "You're doing the company a really good job."

 

"Thank you." I replied plainly as I smiled. This wasn't the pep talk I was expecting.

But then again, I had no idea why I was here in the first place.

 

"Listen." She clasped her hands on top of her table. "There's this project we're really looking forward to. And we can't think of any other person to lead it other than you." She said in all seriousness.

 

"I understand."

 

"But, for us to finalize this. We need you to hold a few meetings with the business partner." She continued. "They haven't necessarily agreed to do it yet, so."

 

I knew where this was heading.

 

"We need you to woo them into doing this business with us."

 

I smiled at her in return. "That wouldn't be a problem, Taeyeon. I'll do the best I can."

 

"Oh, I know you would of course. Like I said, you've done quite a great deal for the company. But that's not the only thing you're here for I'm afraid."

 

"O-kay."

 

"Yes. Unfortunately, the clients are all the way in Jeonju." She declared, a smile already creeping her face. "I mean, I know it's a long way from Seoul, and honestly, I'd volunteer to go since it's my hometown and all. But you know my place in the company at the moment and I can't do that much field work with the amount of things I need to do here at the office, at work." She finished.

 

I nearly froze.

Jeonju.

That's where she is right now. That's where she moved.

Though I had no idea which part of it she situated in, just the fact of being in the same place as her sent an electrifying feeling down my body. One I can't comprehend. Was it excitement? Nervousness? I wasn't sure which way to feel at the moment.

 

"Would you be okay with it?"

 

"I- um. Yes. Yes, of course." I had to say, knowing for a fact that it would earn me a good standing once again if I ever did win this business. "The expenses would be covered, I suppose?"

 

"Absolutely." Taeyeon nodded. "You don't have to worry about anything, Lisa. We'll deal with the plane tickets & everything else for your temporary stay." She smiled as she added.

 

I had no idea how long it would take. A couple of weeks or so, maybe. As I knew I had to secure multiple meetings along with the plans for the project. But wooing the client alone would take me multiple chances. Nonetheless I did accept.

 

It didn't really take long for them to prepare whichever was needed. The following week, I was on a plane on the way to where she were.

But fate really has a way around humor.

The moment my dropped me off my temporary apartment, I saw her.

Still as beautiful as ever.

Moving recently bought goods out of her car, and holding a child's hand on the other.

 

She's married.

I smiled bitterly. A lone tear threatening to fall down my face.

I saw her entering the house just in front of my apartment. She didn't even saw me.

 

"I'll help you with your things, Miss." I now heard, Niel, my whom the other company has assigned to help me settle before meeting with them the following day.

 

"Please, just Lisa." I said to him.

 

"L-Lisa." He awkwardly scratched his neck. I smiled. "This way please." He said as he led me inside the apartment, helping me with the rest of my things.

That whole day was a blur.

I just settled inside the considerably large space. Replaying the earlier events in my head.

She seemed happy.

 

At least now she had something that I was not able to give her.

Happiness. And now, even a family.

 

 

-**-

 

The following day wasn't as eventful as the first.

I woke up early in the morning and readied myself and the rest of my things. I had nothing else planned aside from the meeting.

One good thing about this business trip was I could actually rest for most of the day. On days that there wasn't anything on schedule with the counterpart. But her living right in front of my space tells a completely different story.

I should be thankful, I get to see her again.

But the moment I remember that smile on her face as she held the child's hand just adds more to my pain.

I should be happy for her. But then again, I can't.

Not yet.

 

I was on my way back to the apartment when I saw her on the front yard, a smile on her face was apparent.

She dropped the hose she was using in watering the plants just earlier and ran up to me. About to envelop me in a tight hug.

"Oh my god, Lisa!" She nearly squealed, hanging to my neck for dear life. "It really is you!" She said after releasing me, keeping me in arm's length as to stare at my face as if to prove to herself that she wasn't dreaming.

 

"Hey." Was all that I said. Giving her a small smile which immediately made her frown.

 

"Yah. Is that all you say to me after disappearing for half a decade?"

She was exaggerating. But I knew I did her wrong. I knew it has been my fault in the first place.

We've been doing great. We were fresh college graduates, having plans to move together to Seoul from Hongdae. But sadly, the more time I spent with her, the more I became confused.

I didn't like the feeling I got whenever I was with her.

I was always ecstatic. Almost short of breath.

She gave me this intense feeling I never experienced with anyone else.

And it scared me.

 

I was scared of myself.

 

I was scared of how jealous and angry I started getting whenever she conversed or hung out with anyone else rather than myself.

I was scared of how much sensation I felt whenever she said I love you or initiated any other form of intimacy.

 

She always joked how well we fit together. She always jokingly asked to make me her girlfriend.

My biggest mistake was because of my selfishness, I never got to know whether all she said was true.

Whether she really did want to have something with me.

If those I love you's actually weren't platonic.

 

Because of how jealous I was becoming of her other friends, of her supposed boyfriend, I started moving further and further away.

Until I finally lost contact and really did left her.

 

Over the years I would still get this zealous amount of regret. Wondering what would've happened if I actually acted on my feelings.

If only I wasn't so scared of what I was becoming.

I never in my life imagined that I would start liking girls.

With her was where it all started.

But then again, I never actually told anyone. Even when I had relationships with other women, it has all been kept a secret.

 

I always find myself wondering. What would've happened if I didn't push her away?

If I didn't disappear the way I did.

And now I'm too late.

 

"How have you been?" She asked finally. A sad smile apparent on her face.

 

"I've been well." I returned the smile as to make her at ease. "How are things with you?"

 

This time, she didn't answer. As if she was seeing right through me, studying my actions, studying my face.

I understand fully. I was the one who left her. I all of a sudden, disappeared.

We had such beautiful friendship.

And I ruined it.

 

"Jennie?" I said not long after. The silence started bugging me.

 

"Nothing was the same, honestly."

The look on her face told me she was meaning to add something. But the sound of a small voice along with small, light footsteps running stopped her from saying anything.

 

"Omma!"

A kid, nearly in tears started clinging to her. Obviously woken up from her sleep.

Jennie scooped her up without  hesitating. "Hello, honey. Did you have a nice sleep?" She started cooing, running small circles against the child's back, comforting. She directed a smile at me. "This... Lisa, this is Lily."

 

Lily. Lili. That's the nickname she used to call me.

For a moment I felt a sharp pang, striking through my chest. I felt really stupid. Perhaps she really did miss me. And from then, even more so than before, I started regretting everything I did.

 

I lost her. I completely lost her because I was selfish. I was selfish and a coward.

I smiled and waved at the little kid, who in return looked at me in confusion. I was after all, a stranger.

"She's called Lili too, honey." Jennie half-whispered to her ear.

Lily smiled after hearing this, chuckling to herself as she said to me. "You're also named Lily?" She said in the cutest tone possible. Her small feline eyes instantly reminding me of Jennie.

I laughed a little. "You could say that, yes." I patted her head and felt her leaning to me.

 

"No, no. She can't carry you miss. You're heavy." Jennie stopped her from moving further. "Um, do you want to go inside for some coffee?" She offered out of courtesy.

 

I knew she wanted to catch up. And I knew I badly wanted to accept. But the sound of tires screeching along the driveway, a soft roar of an engine, has stopped me from going. I knew it was him.

I took a moment, gave her an empathetic smile before answering. "I'd love to. But there are still a few things I need to do. I should keep going."

 

Not waiting for her answer, I left, disappeared inside my building.

Seeing them all together was too much. I pitied myself. I kept going.

 

I headed straight for my balcony, which thankfully wasn't facing their house, and fished for my pack of cigs.

Without even knowing it, I started chainsmoking. I badly needed a drag. The only thing that could help clear my head, ease my chest and stop me from further feeling, further hurting.

As to complete making myself feel a bit better, I poured myself a coffee.

 

There, I stood. Yet again, staring into nothing.

Perhaps being here was a wrong idea.

But maybe, just maybe, seeing all of this would help me finally find the closure I needed.

To move on from her.

After all, it has been five years.

 

--**--

I spent the following days trying to avoid her at all cost. I drowned myself from work. Attending various meetings.

Until one day, I found her at my doorstep. Alongside her was Lily, holding a box of cookies.

"Hey." She greeted.

 

"Hello."

 

"Um, we uh- baked these cookies. She said she wanted to share you these."

 

"Well that's real thoughtful of you." I started patting her head again, smiling. "Thank you, Lily." I genuinely said.

"Do you want to come in?" I offered. It was only right of me to. They were after all, already here.

 

"Would that be okay?" Jennie asked, giving me that look I still knew wholeheartedly. Something she gave when she was unsure about something.

 

"Of course." Why wouldn't it be? I wanted to say, but couldn't. I know she knew for a fact I was intentionally hiding.

 

 

Later on we found ourselves on the sofa; Lily mindlessly playing around the living room. Unaware of her surroundings. Unaware of the ongoing tension surrounding her.

I sighed at myself. I badly needed a drag. But I knew I can't, not with her kid around. And without me further explaining. She knew I always cling to cigarettes when I'm stressing about something. I didn't want her to know that this alone was hurting me. I'm so dumb. And I knew she wasn't dense.

Not long, she started speaking.

"What happened to us, Lis?"

So we're heading straight into this?

 

"I...I don't know what you mean." I bit my lip.

 

"Stop with this bull, Lisa." I flinched. Her cursing under her breath even though the child couldn't hear meant she was serious. And she's angry. "I know you're avoiding me."

 

"Sigh. I've just been busy, Jennie."

 

"And for the past five years?!"

That was the last straw.

"You left! Disappeared out of the blue. Without even saying anything!" Her voice started rising.

 

"Jennie, Lily's here."  I tried stopping her, glancing over at Lily. Who thankfully ran off somewhere. The hallway or the bedroom, I'm guessing.

 

"I know, Lisa." She ran her hands through her hair frustratingly.

"You left! You left, Lili. Me! You left me!"

I instinctively moved towards her, seeing how she started tearing.

 

"I'm sorry." Was all that I said. Everything was too much for me.

 

"Why?" She cried in my arms. Against my chest. Against me. "Why did you do this."

 

I smiled bitterly.

 

"I was in love with you, Jennie." It finally escaped my lips. Tears started making their way down. "Still am, actually."

 

She stared blankly at me.

"Li...Lili."

 

"I know, I know. You don't have to say anything."

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"Shh."

 

For long moments, we just stayed there, holding each other.

Just feeling her warmth against me made me feel happy.

 

"Did you mean it?"

She moved a little to look at me.

"Mean what exactly?"

 

"When you said you loved me... all those years." I halted for a bit. "Did you mean it?"

Again, tears started dripping.

"I did."

 

She did.

 

I wanted to kiss her.

Oh so badly, I did.

But Lily was there.

And I know that there's him.

 

So we just sat there, not further moving.

Later on we pulled apart.

And I went back to Seoul later that week.

 

At least for a fact, I finally knew. We really did share something.

 

A love that was not meant to be.

 

I was the one who stopped myself from being happy.

And now I would forever suffer the consequences of my own stupidity.

 

But that moment I saw her smiling while holding Lily, I knew she now had something I couldn't further give.

And I hoped she would hold on to that love; wishing for her to continue being happy.

Hoping, she was in the right hands.

Hoping.

Hoping endlessly.

 

 

 

 

End.

 

 

______________________________________________

 

To you:

I hope, wherever you are, you are happy.

I still miss you. Sadly.

I nearly finished a whole pack writing this. And thank goodness for the coffee.

I know you won't ever be reading this but every shared moment I had with you still brings a smile to my face.

You'll always be my first love.

And I'll forever feel foolish.

-RP