Lisa blinks twice, face blank “Am I supposed to be shocked or something?” 

“Is it that obvious?”

“No it’s obvious. Even aliens in pluto could see it.” she scoffs, sipping at her ice coffee.

It’s been three days since he’s last seen Chaeyoung. Three days since he’s hugged her. Three days since the silence awakened something in him. Three days since the unforeseen realization.

He’s falling in love with Chaeyoung. And he doesn’t know how to feel about that.

“I mean, the first time you saw her you were already smitten, I don’t understand why you’re making a big deal out of this now.”

He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “This and that are different. I was drawn to her the moment I met her and I grew to like her afterwards, yes, but this is love we’re talking about. It’s..” he trails, looking down at the untouched glass of water right in front of him. “It’s much more complicated.”

“Yeah, love is complicated but it’s not a bad thing. Why are you even overthinking-” she stops, a flicker of realization lights up in her head and it finally clicks. “It’s about your parents, isn’t it?” she utters softly, and he smiles, a little wistfully.

He remains quiet, his hands resting limbly on his lap. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he can’t even talk about it. Everytime he thinks of his parents, his blood runs cold and suddenly, he turns into a much more impassive version of himself. He doesn’t like himself when he thinks about them.

“Jungkook, you can’t let your parents’ toxic relationship be your definition of love, because it’s not.” she says, her gaze uncharacteristically tender, but it only makes Jungkook feel worse.

“I’m over it.”

“You’re not.”

“I am. It’s all in the past, I wrote the pain in poems, gave it to the entire world to read, I’ve moved on.” he tries to keep his smile intact, but his lips betray him.

“It’s painful to see you lie to yourself like this.” her words feel like a stab to the heart. “Whatever your parents had was not love. You need to believe that.”

“I’m trying, Lis. I’m really trying.” he says in a steady tone, but his eyes are void of their usual shine. “But, you can’t deny that they were in love. They were in love once, I know they were, that’s how it all started. They were madly into each other, until the love that brought them together, tore them to pieces, and I lived through it all.” he manages to say, his voice gradually growing monotone, a sign that he’s shutting himself out and Lisa can sense it.

“Jungkook-”

“It’s fine.” he plasters a plastic smile that physically hurts to see. “I can control myself, and with time, these growing feelings will disappear.”

“That will hurt you more than you think.”

“I know, but it’s better than hurting her.” he whispers

“Why do you think you’ll hurt her?”

The answer escapes his lips instinctively “Because I’m my father’s son.”

He breaks eye contact for a second, eyeing the table outside the coffee shop’s window, still damp and dirty from yesterday’s downpour. His feelings don’t make sense. He, out of everyone else in the world, knows how wrong he is, how outrageous his thought process is, and yet, he refuses to change. He wants to get better, correct his way of thinking and truly move on with his life, but he also wants to be swarmed by his past, wants to be hurt over and over, wants to keep writing this pain until his hand can’t take it anymore.

Lisa goes quiet, unable to retort back. She knows it’s useless to fight him back on his harmful thoughts. Once he wears that eerie stoic mask of his, it’s hard to reason with him. Still, it doesn’t mean she’s giving up. She drinks the last remains of her coffee and lets out a frustrated sigh.

“You say you don’t want to fall in love but you went and chased her, got closer to her, and now that your feelings are acting up, you wanna ditch? that makes no goddamn sense.”

“I know. Trust me, I know. I’m contradicting myself a lot. But when I’m with her, my body acts on its own and I find myself saying things and doings things on instinct. I let myself get too deep. I should’ve stopped early on.”

“Then why are you still leading her on if you have no plan on dating her? that’s a ty move you know.” Lisa spits, her anger slowly building up.

He knows it’s ty, and he has no excuse for that. Gosh, how he wishes his family wasn’t so ed up, maybe then he would’ve been a decent person. He doesn’t say anything to justify himself, he knows anything he says will make matters worse. Lisa gets up suddenly, her jaw set and eyes sharp as she looks at him.

“I get that your childhood was hard, you know better than anyone else that I get it, but it’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and actually get your together. I won’t forgive you if you hurt Chaeyoung.”

“I won’t.” he says with so much conviction it practically radiates off him. He will never dare hurt her.

She grabs her bag and storms out of the coffee shop, leaving Jungkook alone and a little perturbed.

He spends the rest of his day like that, just him and his thoughts, but no matter how much he tries to convince himself, his mind is fixed on one idea and one idea only. 

Love never ends well. So why bother pursuing it?

----------------------------------------------------

The taste of bitter pain

The scent of burned memories

The sight of a bruised heart

The sound of a child’s cries

The touch of a dishonest love

I keep coming back again and again

To this home built on misfortune

A longing for the familiar that tainted innocence

The chains around my hands and ankles are heavy

I hold the keys, but I choose not to let myself free

A life wasted on hopeful findings

Only to come back to the ruins

Is it worth living?

He drops the pen and immediately crumples the paper before throwing it away, not caring where it lands. He feels unsettled, disgusted even at the words that he just wrote. He shouldn’t be writing this. His new book’s supposed to be uplifting and hopeful with a fresh outlook on life. It should be different than his debut book, and yet, why is his hand writing completely hopeless and dark words? why is he wasting ink on his deepest sorrows? why are they coming back now of all times? maybe they never left. Maybe, he was just good at pretending to be alright. That made more sense. Much more sense than any depressing crap that goes through his head. He messes up his hair in frustration, his composure crumbling with every ticking second. He hates this, he really hates this.

He looks around at his one-bedroom apartment, a familiar yet estranged feeling rooted deep down, slowly starts crawling up, trying to eat the last remains of his sanity, but he persists and shakes his head.

Lisa’s been acting distant ever since. She rarely replies to his texts, and when she does, she makes sure to add an angry emoji to her cold replies. He tries not to think too much about it, but everytime he remembers the look on her face he feels ashamed. He’s been trying to act normal. He picks Chaeyoung up from uni, they walk together to the bookshop, work their shift, get yelled at by Jimin for excessive flirting (which was a stretch.) and then part ways at the end of the day. From the outside, it looks like nothing has changed between them, but reality was different. The burden of his raw feelings, the immense guilt he felt over Lisa’s words, the pure hate towards his selfish self; everything is suffocating him.

The feeling overpowers him, shutting down every connection he had to the outside world and before he knows it, he’s drowning in his endless sea of gloom .

Welcome back, loneliness. He thinks and throws himself on his bed, face buried in his pillow.

-------------------------------------

Jimin and Chaeyoung are staring at Jungkook, he can feel their gaze boring holes on his back and only when he turns around does he finally understands why. His phone’s notifications have been going off for a while and apparently he was too deep in thought to hear them.

“You’re gonna answer that?” Jimin says in annoyance. His temper is just as short as him, unfortunately. Jungkook retrieves his phone and finds a long stream of messages sent from none other than Taehyung.

> Oh Kookie-yo, Kookie-yo

>wherefore art thou Kookie-yo?

>tell me, mi hombre, how do u handle a smol feisty jalapeño?

>‘cuz Limario’s been letting her angry chakra all over the place today

>she slammed her hand hard into the mirror it was wild lolol

>anyway, there was a mosquito on my spaghetti last night

>that was sad

>hey, do birds fly because they want to or because they have to?

>my hair is falling. I’m going bald. I’d still look hot tho ;)

>HOLD ON ATTACK ON TITANS NEW SEASON TEASER IS OUT AND NO ONE TOLD ME :(((

>THIS IS BLASPHEMY! AN INCORRIGIBLE DEED!

>I SHALL GO WATCH IT WITH THE POWER OF SIGHT BESTOWED UPON ME!

>brb :D

Does this guy even know how to stick to one topic? his short-attention span is something else. Jungkook sighs, not knowing how to reply, or rather, what to reply to. Taeyhung is wild to say the least, and while it can be annoying at times, strangely, Jungkook finds that quality of his quite endearing. If anything, he appreciates it now more than ever. It’s a great distraction from his thoughts.

“Excuse me.” he looks up to see customers—two girls wearing highschool uniforms— have come in. He pockets his phone and goes to them.

“How can I help you?” he asks, making sure to wear a friendly smile.

“we’re looking for this poetry book. I don’t remember the title but I think it was by someone named Koki?” one of them asks and the surprise on Jungkook’s face renders him speechless for a couple of seconds, before he nods and goes to retrieve the book. His book.

“J.J.Kokie’s book, right? that’s one of my favorite books! it’s so touching and inspiring! you should absolutely read it!” Chaeyoung jumps in excitedly and Jungkook is once again amazed by her radiant energy. 

“Ah really? It was actually recommended by Kim Namjoon so I wanted to read it and see for myself.” the other girl says and the three of them all start chatting as if they’ve known each other for so long. 

He stares at his book cover— A simple grayish plum floating on the surface of a clear blue river, slowly making its way to the river bank. He fell in love immediately once Hoseok showed it to him, and even now, looking at it still brings him an indescribable warmth. And to think a man of intellect and depth like Namjoon would recommend it. It feels unreal. He makes a mental note to get Namjoon’s number from Hoseok and thank him.

“Here you go.” he goes behind the counter, scans the barcode and puts the book in a small plastic bag. The girls thank him after they pay and Chaeyoung waves them goodbye. He opens the cashier to put the money in it but finds a photo of a middle-aged man hugging two kids and it catches his attention.

“Uhm..” he holds the picture hesitantly and Chaeyoung smiles faintly upon seeing it.

“Sorry, I meant to put it in the drawer not the cashier.” Jimin says and takes the photo from him. Jungkook and Chaeyoung both huddle up next to him.“That’s us with our dad. I think I was seven in this picture? I don’t remember well.” Jimin explains and starts chuckling. “What’s with your face expression Chaeng?” he points at her childhood self, where her face is scrunched up in a weird grimace as if she was holding back tears.

“Ah! I remember! that was when you stole my winnie the pooh plushie and refused to give it back! You were a real meanie Jiminie.” she pouts, earning a pat in the head from her brother. “Dad sat us both on his lap and told us to share the toy, because we’re siblings, we had to stick together. I didn’t know what that meant back then.” she laughs lightly, taking the picture in her hand. “But, now I understand.” they share a look, one that Jungkook can’t decipher, but can clearly feel the strong emotions behind it. A long silence follows where none of them dares to say anything, the air still charged with an intense heaviness. 

“Would you like to meet him, Jungkook?” Chaeyoung asks suddenly, surprising him. “There’s actually a family gathering at our house this sunday. Would you like to come?” 

He wants to, but he doesn’t think he has the right to. He doesn’t deserve any more of their kindness. At least, that’s what his mind is telling him.

“You have to come. It’s an order.” Jimin’s sharp voice interrupts his thoughts.

“Is it okay for me to be there?”

Jimin smiles, and puts a hand on his shoulder. “we want you to be there, so please come.”

**************************

A.N: Good afternoon lovelies, I'm back again! I hope you enjoy this update as well. I'm actually excited for the next chapter so I'll do my best to write it well!