Amber knows that seeing Krystal again would bring up all the unwanted feelings she’s stowed somewhere deep enough to decide she’s forgotten them. So every time old friends would invite her over a reunion, she would try her hardest to come up with a good reason not to go.

            But that doesn’t mean she could avoid them forever. Eventually, there will come a time that she has to face this crisis, the very same reason she’s lost hundreds of nights to the memories of her.

            “But it’s already been 4 years, Ber. I thought you’re over her.” A mutual friend, Joohyun, would tell her.

            She knows. Of course, Amber knows. It’s already been four long years since Krystal decided to break it all off for the sole reason of finding herself first and then disappear off the face of the earth for years. She knows that something as cliché as that was bull because why can’t people just be honest and tell it straight to her face that they’re already in love with someone else? She can handle that. She thinks she can handle that.

            Even after all these years, she’s only thought of moving on from these strained feelings in her chest and ignore how heavy her heart would feel every time she’d stumble upon familiar scenes in familiar places—places that bring her back to Krystal.

            And all these years, she knew she’s moved on.

            But that doesn’t mean her heart didn’t hurt at the memories that only her probably remembers, the ones that haunt her even in her dreamless nights, especially the dreamless nights—the ones that linger only for a moment, even when the hurt stays. That doesn’t mean that the remnants of a heartache do not constantly come in the form of soft knocks against her ribcage then escalates into passive-aggressive poundings she could hear in the quiet of the void. An achingly beautiful melody that ironically lulls her to sleep.

            Amber sits on the back of her truck, quietly basking in the orange of the sunset. A hand reaches out to her face, and Amber took the small stick in them and stuck it in between her pursed lips. A puff of smoke escapes her lips and she watched it rise up and away until it disappears into the almost turning-purple sky.

            “I am over her, Hyun.”

            Joohyun chuckles lightly.

            “Oh yeah?”

            Amber in the cold until the chills ran down her spine. She considers puffing another one from the cigar but decided against it. What would Krystal say? The thought was almost laughable if it weren’t for the fact that Krystal no longer exists in this phase of her life. Amber gives Joohyun a light shrug of her shoulders.

            “It’s been four years, Hyun. Of course, I would be.”

            “Who would believe that kind of lie?”

            “Come on, Ber. It’s not like Krys—she’s… she’s not always coming to these reunions you know?” Joohyun tries to reason. It was the truth though. Krystal never really appears in their reunions ever since she broke up with Amber four years ago.

            “If it’s about not having a date, you could take me in the meantime. Seulgi will understand it.”

            Amber laughs loudly but Joohyun shot her with a really serious look on so Amber quiets down.

            Amber knows that high likely Joohyun only cares about her well-being. It’s written in those dark orbs of hers. She just knows that if there’s someone she could run to at moments like this, it’s Joohyun. Joohyun’s been there for almost half of her life and she’s been there since before Krystal ever happened. And for that, Amber could only be thankful.

            “Maybe it’s time for you to find someone else? It’s already been so long.”

            The short-haired just kept mum at that.

            A soft buzz interrupted their talk. Joohyun pats her pockets and pulls out her phone and held it up against her ear.

            “Oh, hey… yes. Right. A bit? But Seul…” Joohyun glances at Amber and Amber only smiles, unconsciously inhaling the cigar down then puffs it off.

            “It’s okay, Hyun. I would be okay.” Amber whispers and Joohyun reaches up to touch her face with a small smile on.

            “I’ll be right there, Seul. Yes, love you too.” She ends the call as she stuffs her phone back into the pocket of her coat.

            Joohyun looked like she was contemplating, as she was fiddling with both of her hands before sitting next to Amber again. “I still think you should come to the party this weekend.”

            Amber snickers.

            “Am, everyone misses you. And you know you’ve got us to accompany you. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

            It was a little while later that Joohyun’s phone buzzes again. For a moment, she just stood there and waited and waited for Amber to say something, the buzzing of the phone against the cold metal of the truck’s cargo bed floor being the only noise existing in their shared space. Amber finally sighs. A heavy one.

            “Fine, fine. I’ll try.” She breathes in defeat and that made Joohyun grin, pulling Amber in a big hug to express her enthusiasm. Amber pulls back. “But I can’t guarantee you anything, okay?”

            Joohyun only smiles. “You gave your word, Ber.”

            It was shortly after that, that Joohyun decides to leave as it was already getting late and that she has plans with her partner that night. And it was shortly after that, that Amber was left to her own thoughts once again.

            She puffs a smoke once again as she stared at the sun sinking in the distant horizon and dyeing the sky completely in all shades of grey. She dug her hands in the pockets of her jeans and pulls out a small square photograph and she just sat there and stared at it. Her heart so ached and ached. It’s quite scary that she’s gradually finding comfort in heartaches and the melancholic flashbacks from familiar scenarios.  Quiet moments like these remind Amber of her, of them, in an empty parking lot and under the same grey sky, counting the stars while indulging each other’s minds with inexorable conspiracy theories that Krystal so, so loved. Amber remembers just staring at her as she dances across this very same parking lot, and under the shadow of the moonlight. Other times, they’re just there, sitting and letting their sighs and heartbeats overlap and thinking of what the future holds for both of them and how they’d overcome things that come in their way.

            Krystal was the girl who was always in love with the sky. And Amber was in love with her.

            But now, it’s just Amber. Just Amber here, and no Krystal.

            Amber grimaces as she puffs another smoke.

            It will be a long drive home.

            Amber sluggishly drags herself inside of their apartment. Her eyes were already drooping. She’s always purposely avoiding her gaze from the door at the farthest corner of the unit every time she enters. But for some reason today, her eyes linger on the lonely hallway, hearing nothing but the sound of her heart. She’s always found reasons not to make it to her room, in a pathetic excuse that she’s tired. In fact, she’s not—she never would be, not with her.

            You haven’t really moved on, have you?

            She slaps her forehead. “Of course I did.” She whispers harshly to herself. “Of course, I moved on. It’s already been four years. Who wouldn’t have moved on? Who do you think I am?”

            “I’m not pathetic.” She snickers at her own monologue. “I’ll prove to you. I’ll go there and I would no longer be affected.” She’s determined. As if she was arguing with her own consciousness.

            Amber’s swaggers turn into staggers as the distance between her and her destination closes in. The confidence she had a minute ago was crumpled by the impending memories sinking into her mind’s eye.

            The door was still left ajar, just like how it was four years ago. She purposely left it open, just in case Krystal comes back home. As if she’d still see this place as her home. She probably only referred this place as her college house and now that they’re out of the university, she’s also out of Amber’s life.

            “I want to sing and dance all my life.” Amber murmurs as she lays all spread out on Krystal’s bed. Krystal plomps next to her, her head resting on one of her hands.

            “That sounds nice.” She smiles. She smiled so bright, Amber thinks she resembles that bag of gas--the sun. Or maybe that was just Amber when she looks at her.

            “I want to create music.” Krystal’s gaze never left Amber’s. She unconsciously smiled a small smile as she stares at Krystal’s own orbs, as if she was drawn towards them and the emotions they wanted to convey. “About you.”

            Krystal’s smile couldn’t get any wider as she leans down, her breath ghosting at the edges of Amber’s lips. And she could only stare and not say anything, like at that very moment, Krystal took all her breath away and her heart was almost bursting from all the happiness by just being with her.

            “I love you.” Krystal whispers as she brushes up the fringes on Amber’s forehead and held it there for a moment. Amber could only look up in awe at the existence of the beauty before her eyes.

            How could anyone like Krystal exist in the same lifetime as hers?

            “I love you.” Krystal whispers again before capturing her lover’s lips into a soft kiss and all her emotions were conveyed through that simple gesture. Krystal was never the person who talks about their love openly but she’s always managed to express it through her actions and every time, it always gets Amber melting into the palms of her hand.

            Amber could only close her eyes in that fleeting moment, even after the broke the kiss off.

            “I’m here and I’m yours.”

            Amber opens her eyes to the bitter reality she was forced to face, still sprawled on her bed. Getting up, she finds photographs piled up underneath Krystal’s pillow and her heart ached. She managed to smile even when it was hard enough to even breathe, because Krystal did care, didn’t she? She buries her head into the pillow as she stares longingly at the photographs.

            “Ber.”

            “Hmm?”

            “Will you ever stop loving me?”

            “Until the photos all fade?”

            “Well, photographs actually fade, stupid.”

            “Is that why you left them all here, Soojung?”

            Perhaps it was all just a dream, like a spectrum of a ghost passing but never lingering, leaving a trail of bitter and fading memories in its wake. She’d like to keep them all. She’d like them all to stay.

            She’d like Krystal to stay.

            Soft breathing throbs on her chest and Amber looks down at the culprit’s face down with a smile, her fingers trail up to smooth the wrinkles forming on Krystal’s forehead. Her eyes immortalizing all of Krystal’s features for her to keep forever. She hovers her hand over the hand that was on the fabric of her shirt, softly creating circles on her knuckles until her expression relaxes. Then Amber softly kisses her forehead.

            “It’s okay, my love. You are home now.”

            “Looks like I’m the one that’s not at home now, right?” Amber chuckles as she breathlessly stares at the empty side next to her, through the sheets.

            “I’m running out of memories of you.” She closes her eyes with a sigh, letting herself get consumed by ghosts of the memories she could only keep.

            “Did you find another home, my love?”

            The place was packed with people drinking and chatting and Amber was contemplating whether to push her way through the glass door or just turn on her heel and leave and spend the rest of her night seeking refuge in the comfort of her blankets. The glass door seemed like a wall, like a membrane that separates her from what she’s dreading from, something that protects her from the rest of the world—protects her already bruised heart from getting picked on while she’s still in the process of picking up the rest of what’s left of it.

            So Amber smooths her dress shirt and inhales a bit of oxygen before finally pushing the glass door open, letting herself in. Her presence has already caught the attention of most of the people there. A toned arm draped over and across her shoulders and in a kind of bravado, the owner pulls her in for a headlock.

            “Hey guys! Look who’s finally showed her face here.” It was a guy, tal