It was more than two decades.

And a small boy sits across from the dark-haired male's bed; holding a teddy bear he called "jae";

"So, when daddy’s not around it will still feel like you are with me," the little boy said one time when his mom asked the reason behind the given name.

Of course, the black-haired male just said "yes" to the nickname given to the stuffed toy not explaining the sudden hitched in his breathe after without hearing the name for so many years.

The sun has sunk on the horizon an hour ago indicating another long summer day is done. Saturated colors painted the whole sky. In no time, darkness will blanket the whole city.

The past few years felt just like yesterday.

The small boy was looking through an old scrapbook. Jaebeom has no idea on how his kid found it.

It was a scrapbook full of memories from when the dark-haired man was still in his 20's--- peak of his youth and his career.

With his tiny hands, the child turned to a page covered in polaroid photographs of a sole person that Jaebeom placed on the page oh-so-gently, and it was also adored with Jaebeom's scribbled handwriting; a caption to each taken photographs--- a date, time, and a small description of what was happening.

A major piece of the older male's life history was being held in the small hands of the boy sitting in front of him.

With knitted eyebrows and a cute tiny pout, he stared hard at a specific photo, the sides in vignette and a bit faded; the photo was taken candidly. The main subject in the photograph was laughing, head thrown back, eyes in crescent shape, the mole under his eye is prominent in the light seeping through the car’s tinted window. The way the sunset created a soft halo with light streaks adorning his cheeks. One can see the way he holds on the seatbelt as he laughed.

The kid wondered, what made the boy in the photograph laugh so hard.

At the bottom of the picture, there placed Jaebeom’s handwriting smeared in blank ink,

31. 01. 16

 Him

                " home and my adventure all at once."

Of course, the kid, out of curiosity, asked who the boy in the picture was. The kid has memories of the boy in the photographs, he may have seen the boy once. But he can’t put his fingers where. The boy looked so young.

The little boy tilted his head, peeked through his eyelashes waiting for his father to answer his question.

But the inquiry was left hanging thick between them.

More than a decade ago, when him and the rest of the boys decided to part ways and go onto different paths.

It wasn't ended in a hurtful manner nor caused by issues. It was a mutual decision. Tears were shed here and there but it was a decision the group gladly made--- 15 years in the industry was enough already.

They were all still under JYPE after the disbandment. The boys debuted as solo artists as well.  

But they did pursue their individuals endeavors--- One of them became an award-winning actor, a well-sought model, owned a well-recognized dancing studio, a movie producer and film director, a singer songwriter and CEO of his own label outside Korea, and him who still writes and compose songs for the same label company just for a different group and not his own…

and there was that boy--- who left the motherland to pursue his dreams. He was still under the same label, composing and releasing his own songs just on a different country.

The dark-haired male answered the boy with big curious eyes, saying the boy was just a friend, a special friend.

"Special friend" made the kid's head tilt out of confusion.

"A special friend who became a big part of my life, who stayed through thick and thin. The person who witnessed my most vulnerable moments but still chooses to stay," he continued.

Jaebeom doesn’t know why he was telling this to his own kid. A kid who is barely 6 years old.

"Then what happened to this friend?" the kid asked again, as he flipped to the next page. And more photos of the boy with a mole under his eye festooned the pages.

The older simply answered, "I lost him, because papa is a coward."

It was beyond a whisper. Hoping the little boy in front of him won’t hear it. He thanked all the deities when the kid did not question further.

When he got married few years ago, the rest of the boys showed up but him.

Jinyoung pat him on his shoulder, small smile playing on his lips. He gave the news that Youngjae cannot attend the wedding for the younger brunette lad had a prior important schedule abroad.

"I know, Jinyoung. He texted me his greetings,” he replied solemnly.

He knows about the younger lad’s schedule. Youngjae informed him about it a month ago before the event. But there was still a small part in Jaebeom that the brunette lad will still be at his wedding.

Youngjae has become Jaebeom’s confidant during those years of being in a group. Jaebeom even considered him as the “younger brother” he never had. Until that word does not sit well on his tongue.

The two of them grew closer together as years goes by, but as Jaebeom slowly realized his feelings towards the younger lad the gap between the two of them grew bigger instead.

Youngjae was not an ex, a past lover, or anything like those words. For Jaebeom, he was something that never stopped. Something between “yes” and “no”. Sometimes the best and the worst thing in his life.

Youngjae never goes completely and had never left his mind.

As the quietness filled the room, the invisible stars draped the whole sky. Jaebeom told the kid, he doesn’t remember about the scrapbook anymore, and both of them are still good friends--- friends with distant memories.

The answer is good enough, Jaebeom thinks.

The kid’s eyes lit up as if he finished the Lego puzzle that was given to him, "That's why he looks familiar, I saw him one time when we are visiting Uncle Mark's house when we had a vacation,” the kid suddenly exclaimed his pointer finger up in the air.

Jaebeom just nodded in return. Eyes trained on the pages of the scrapbook that was cradled at his son’s lap.

He knows what vacation that kid was talking about. It was three years ago, when him and the other four boys--- Jackson, Jinyoung, Bambam, and Yugyeom--- decided to visit both Mark and Youngjae in LA. It was the first time he saw the younger brunette lad after he got married.

It was planned as the “Boys big vacation” coined by Jackson. Hence, the other guys allowed Jaebeom on bringing his son with him. Aside from the fact the boys do adored the little boy as well.

Youngjae was still the same. His skin just a little tanned due to Californian blazing heat, but he looks so happy and contented. And that was enough for Jaebeom, though he will not tell anyone about the lump on his throat and the continuing stabbing on his heart.

What he doesn't told the kid---looking carefully at the photos thrown at the pages of the old scrapbook--- was that occasionally he lied awake at night beside the woman he married still missing that boy--- the boy with a mole under his eye, loud laugh, beaming smile, and aura that radiates home. The boy he once loved but doesn't have any courage to say.

With regrets gnawing his mind alive. What ifs eating him alive. Mind clouded of visions what he should’ve done and said.

What Jaebeom definitely doesn't tell the kid was that occasionally, he still sees the boy--- in the company, at the studio, at the cafe with his favorite coffee on his hand. And when another very familiar guy with skinny but lean stature wrapped his arm around the boy’s waist, he was regretfully craving and silently wishing.

'It should've been me.’