Recommended Song: Far Away by Nickelback

 

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“From when?” Takuya repeats what her best friend, Harue, asked him, quite excitedly, if he would note, despite the reality of what he is telling her at the moment. If anything, he is glad that despite anything that is happening, Harue remains true to what she is to most people, sunshine.

 

Right now, it’s raining and he needs as much sun as he can get.

 

He takes a deep breath and answers, “I’m not sure.” Thinking about it, he tilts his head and continues, “From the beginning?”

 

Takuya can still clearly remember their first meeting — everything. Grey shirt, black short, tousled hair, and how blank Joonjae was looking at him as he was introducing himself. Like he was not sure if he was a real person talking in front of him. And then, his luggage fell and they both reached to it. He smiles, remembering the first time they looked at each other’s eyes and despite involuntarily and surprised even himself, he had said back then, “Arigato.”

 

Perhaps only Harue knows about it but he only says thank you in Japanese to people he likes and so far, Joonjae had been the quickest to made him do so.

 

“But,” he begins again, smiling painfully to himself, “I’m afraid.” His eyes reach for the stars and quietly, he prays for a shooting star. “Now, it would be hard to be friends.” He wants to wish for his happiness. He knows, despite everything that happened, he would still wish for his happiness even if he might not be in it. But even then, there is a part of him who wants to wish for their happiness.

 

But that will be wishing for the impossible.

 

“I also,” he whispers, as something gets caught in his eyes, “like him.”

 

Takuya can hear Harue’s heart breaking from over the long distance call with his best friend and perhaps the person who needs more consoling now is the person from the other end because he can hear sniffs and hiccups. He manages to smile a little because if there is a person who can feel almost the same pain as him, it’s probably Harue.

 

Harue’s heart is breaking but his is already gone. He might have left it with Joonjae.

 

“Oh, Takuya!” the apartment manager hyung’s voice hollers as Takuya looks to his right. “You’re going back to Japan?”

 

He drops the phone for a second and thinks about how he is going to answer that. Should he tell the apartment manager the truth that him moving out is not exactly planned and now he doesn’t have anywhere to go? Should he tell him that he and Joonjae had maybe fallen in love but didn’t want to confront it and he didn’t want to burden Joonjae that’s why he decided to just leave?

 

Should he tell him that going back to Japan has been an option for a couple of months now and he might have considered living at Korea for good if it meant being with Joonjae?

 

He can’t.

 

The apartment manager laughs and says, “Aigoo, Joonjae is here, too.”

 

His head might have snapped at how quick he turned to his left and the apartment manager is not playing with him.

 

Joonjae is there.

 

The moonlight pouring from above that’s making even an uncomfortable waiting shed bearable, the stars that are glistening and seemingly like listening to a lonely person’s silent cries and wishes, the cold breeze of summer wind that is the only thing that is holding him now — everything disappears when their eyes met.

 

I love you.

 

Takuya doesn’t even realize he has not answered the apartment manager’s question before he walks away, leaving the two of them in a space that seems to be only for them. At least, at that moment, in that time.

 

As if they are in outer space with no one else, it feels like they are left alone.

 

He tears himself from Joonjae’s gaze and looks at the ground, tightly holding the phone that he knows Harue is still on the other end of the line. Even though his best friend is five hundred eighty seven miles away right now, holding the phone tightly is like holding on to something, or someone, and right now, he needs one.

 

Joonjae can’t take his eyes away from him though. There are so many questions he want to ask, so many answers he need to hear, but at the moment, he can only stare at him because more than the questions and the answers, he is just glad that he is still here.

 

But it still hurts.

 

Even though I asked you, you didn’t say anything.

 

He takes one step, two steps towards Takuya and when he stands a couple of feet away, he removes the jersey jacket he is wearing and hands it to him. Takuya looks at him before staring at the jacket in his face, remembering every moment he asked Joonjae to give it to him because he doesn’t have a blue jersey jacket yet, and every moment Joonjae told him it was too old or too worn out or too ugly.

 

But Takuya could have told him he was only asking for the jacket to have Joonjae’s scent all the time and Joonjae could have told him he promised himself he was only going to give that jacket to someone he loves.

 

Takuya touches the jacket and Joonjae lets go.

 

If they are just a regular guy and a regular guy, they should have been happy.

 

But now, we… Takuya stares at the jacket on his lap and looks at Joonjae’s leaving back.

 

We’re now… Joonjae looks down at the ground and prays to make it to his empty home.

 

His grip on the jacket grows tighter as Joonjae steps two, six, thirteen feet away from him and there are so many things he wants to say to him. He knows he already made his decision and he knows Joonjae’s feelings should be more important than his own, but in that space, in that time, there is only them.

 

And so Takuya stands up and shouts as loudly as he can, “Joonjae!”

 

His feet automatically stops at the sound of the voice that spells home for the past couple of months. Suddenly, there is fear that’s rushing like cold water in his spine at the thought of everything that could happen, but he still finds himself turning around to look at the person he wants to hold so much right now.

 

“Can you stay with me for a while?” Takuya’s shouts are the loudest he can make in that barren road because if he doesn’t, he is scared Joonjae will hear how fast his heart is beating. “At least until the bus arrives?”

 

It’s not entirely unexpected but Joonjae finds himself walking back towards the waiting shed, towards Takuya.

 

There is an eerie and awkward silence floating around them as Joonjae sits on the other end of the bench and Takuya keeps on looking forward, clutching the jacket as if his life depends on it. Neither is saying a word because neither knows what to say. However, there is a certain comfort in that space, in that particular bench, in that specific waiting shed at some place in the outskirts of the city.

 

They almost forgot how comfortable they were with each other. They almost forgot how comfort seems to spell the other’s name.

 

“I’m sorry, Joonjae,” Takuya breaks the silence, glancing at the other’s direction.

 

“Sorry for what?”

 

“Just,” Takuya begins, searching for the right words but not finding any. He feels surrounded by nothing yet completely free but even if we are free, there are some things that we cannot reach for. He understands that much. He completely turns to Joonjae’s direction and smiles at him. “Sorry for suddenly leaving.”

 

He simply nods his head and look forward again. There are still many things he doesn’t understand but what he understands is Takuya’s decision. It doesn’t mean he thinks it’s the best decision though. Not that he knows what is, given the circumstances.

 

“Sorry, too,” Joonjae speaks after a moment.

 

Takuya turns to look at him again and waits.

 

“Sorry for everything,” he whispers too softly it comes inaudible. He looks at Takuya and sees him staring at him, confused and a little worried. He turns away and finds the light of the bus at the end of the road. His heart twisted and he clenched his teeth because there are so many words to say between them but he doesn’t know where to start.

 

And now, time is almost up.

 

“There is nothing for you to say sorry about,” Takuya tells him kindly, his eyes bright because he is telling what is in his heart, the truth. “I am thankful,” he continues, meeting Joonjae’s eyes, “for everything.”

 

“I didn’t do much. You did.” He means it. The smiles he had in the past two months are more than all the smiles he ever had in his life. He smiles at Takuya and breathed, because at this point, he can almost see the entirety of the bus and there are just so many words left to say, “Because of you, Takuya, I laugh a little harder and smile a lot more. Even now, I’m wearing the smile you gave me the first day we met.”

 

Right now, Joonjae swears some sort of insect gets caught in his eye.

 

“Joonjae…” Left speechless, Takuya doesn’t know what to say. He turns around and sees the bus fast approaching. Three minutes? Two minutes? He doesn’t know how much time he has left and if he has two minutes left in this world, he will walk towards Joonjae, wrap his arms around him, and hold him tightly, even if this might be the last time.

 

And that’s what he did.

 

Joonjae doesn’t pull away and just lets himself be held after a long time, tears finally falling from his eyes to the ground uncontrollably as he doesn’t want to let go. He knows he should, they should, but it hurts. It ing hurts because there’s nothing that hurts more than knowing how important a person is to you and letting them go.

 

Takuya hushes, feeling himself tearing up, too. At first, he thought it’s Korea that feels home, that it’s Seoul, that it’s Joonjae’s apartment, but as he holds him tight between his arms, he realizes it’s Joonjae.

 

Joonjae is his home. He holds him so closely, protectively, and he wishes neither of them will let go because at that moment, he feels like he is home.

 

They pull apart just before the bus stops in front of the waiting shed.

 

“Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have met you?” Takuya asks with a soft smile, gazing at Joonjae’s teary eyes with his own.  “Thank you for everything.”

 

Joonjae hiccups as he messily wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, nodding. “Thank you, too.”

 

Takuya looks at him for a couple more beats before he picks up his bags and climbs the bus. He looks straight ahead when he sits until the bus begins to move away. He doesn’t want to look at Joonjae because if he does, he will stay. And right now, that will not do either of them good. When the bus turns the curve, Takuya heaves heavily and cries. “It hurts, Harue. It hurts, it hurts,” he brings his phone to his ears again, remembering his best friend is still on the line. He didn’t want to fall in love but it was Joonjae’s smile. He knew he wanted it in his life.

 

Joonjae looks at the bus as it moves farther and father from his sight. He cries in an ugly, terrible manner as he dumps himself on the bench where Takuya was. He realizes he got lost in Takuya, but it’s the kind of lost that’s exactly like being found.

 

 

Epilogue

 

Takuya is eating with Harue watermelon and mangoes on his room while playing for the eleven thousand six hundred forty fourth time his last conversation with Joonjae. Apparently, Harue recorded it when she realized Takuya was talking to “the love of his life.” Takuya would have scolded her and asked her to delete the recording but he missed Joonjae’s voice and also, when Harue showed it to him, she seemed more forlorn and devastated than him because of their conversation.

 

Suddenly, the door receives multiple knocks and both of them wonder who it is.

 

“Yes, I’m coming,” he shouts, quickly standing up to answer the door. He opens the door and says, “Yes?”

 

“Hi, I’m Joonjae.”

 

Takuya could not believe what he is seeing, or hearing, but Harue’s squeal after he follows him confirms he is not dreaming or losing his mind. Joonjae’s luggage falls and both of them reach for it.

 

“What did you do after you moved in?”

 

Takuya almost laughs. “You don’t remember?” he asks excitedly. “I remember everything. Every little thing.” He moves out of the door and lets Joonjae in.

 

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A/N:

Do forgive any typographical or worse, grammatical errors because I'm not kidding when I said I just wrote this and posted it because I want to proclaim to the world my love for Takuya and Joonjae. I also just want to say that because I love them too much and I have been thinking of writing about this the whole day, I wrote this first before my paper. Lmao. I'm not even bothered about it.

Take care and let's hope to see more TakuJae in the future. I heard there is a sequel possibility? Is that true?

- Elle xo