Amour

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It was a wintry Sunday afternoon. The sun barely pierced through the clouds, making the thin layer of snow and frost shine on the plants of the little balcony. A procession of Santa Clauses and snowmen was decorating the window sill.

Taemin set his pencil down on the living room table and lifted his head, seemingly lost in thought. He rolled up the too-long sleeves of the pullover he often borrowed from his friend and crossed his legs under himself. His dark gaze fell on the man in front of him, completely immersed in his book, a lukewarm cup of tea in his hand.

It was a wintry Sunday afternoon, everything as quiet as possible. And he felt safe in the cozy warmness of their living room, listening to the soft, somewhat melancholy music that Jongin loved so much. He could draw for a few hours, write some lyrics, and then put his latest masterpiece next to the fridge.

If only he hadn't drunk his hot chocolate so quickly, everything would be perfect. He stared at his sad, empty cup for a moment.

"Nini? Can I ask you something?"

His friend turned away from his story and the elder gave him a few seconds to come back to reality, enough time for the mist of another world to disappear completely from his eyes.

In some ways, Taemin didn't seem completely present either. At least, that's what Jongin thought as he noticed the pensive pout at the corner of his mouth.

"Mhmm?"

"What is love?"

Jongin couldn't help but snicker, making the boy in front of him frown slightly.

"What!? What did I say?"

Jongin straightened up, setting his book on the couch before he got up to head to the kitchen, two empty cups in his hands.

"I need another tea for this kind of conversation."

A worried pout fell on Taemin’s babyish face as he decided to wait for his friend. He picked up his pencil again and filled another corner of his paper with random words.

Jongin came back and placed a mountain of cream in front of his nose, the scent of vanilla hot chocolate coming from underneath.

"You can't just ask me to explain love to you, Taemin. It’s not something that can be described. Literally every poet, writer, and lyricist in the world has been trying to for ages. I don't even want to risk trying to define it.

"Yeah, but that's my point! Why is literally everyone so... interested in love? Why are people always kissing each other? Why do they always talk about needing to have someone in their lives as if it's the only important thing in the world!?"

Jongin tilted his head slightly, trying to figure out the real worry behind his friend’s unusual questions.

"Why do I feel like... if I don't kiss anyone ever... then it will mean that I wasted my entire life?"

Jongin waited a bit more, feeling the heaviness of Taemin's silence, as if it hid other words that he couldn't find yet.

"Those people... They say that it will happen to me, maybe, one day... despite everything. They say 'despite everything'. But I don't want to kiss anyone. I'm good staying like this. I don't want more. Not now, not in five years. You know? But when I say this, they always answer with 'despite everything' as if I don't know what I'm talking about."

Jongin smiled. Taemin stopped talking and pursed his lips. He rested his head in his hands, his elbows supported on the table. He was ready to listen to whatever his friend would say as if he had all the answers and could give him a big, beautiful lesson about life and human beings.

"People are all different, Taemin. The people around you, they all function differently. Everyone is unique. But sometimes, when too many people end up resembling each other on some matter, they forget that not everyone does things the same way they do."

The elder frowned again. The problem with having Jongin explain things was that he always used complicated words and turns of phrase. Jinki didn't do that. Jinki always explained things in a simple way. But still, Taemin preferred Jongin's voice, which confused his mind more than anything.

"Some people like to be alone and won't ever really feel the need to bond with someone else. Some people want to be close to someone else. They want to feel love and show each other their feelings every single day. They spend all of their time kissing because they need to. And you, you feel love. You receive it. You definitely give it. But you don't feel the need to kiss."

"I'm still not sure I understand."

"Some people don't like hot drinks. Some people like coffee. Others would rather have tea. And even among those who like tea, some like Oolong and some don’t."

"Mhmmm... This, I understand."

"When you're drinking really good banana milk, you don't want to share it. You want to keep it all to yourself. But thinking that someone else doesn't even like banana milk, that's pretty sad, right? Because it's something that makes you so happy, in a way, you want other people to have that happiness too. So you'll offer banana milk to people around you. And when they tell you that they don't want it, you can't help but think that they're missing out on something so incredible that it's a little bit stupid of them... But those people are quite happy anyway, even without banana milk."

Taemin nodded slowly, his eyebrows still furrowed.

"It's hard, you know, to admit how different we are. And it can make people pretty miserable because they suddenly find themselves helpless when faced with the needs of someone they care about. If all of the things that make me happy have no effect on you, I'll feel powerless whenever I see you sad. I'll feel like I have no way to reach you. So others try to force what comforts them onto you because they just don't know what else to do. It seems obvious to them that if you had someone in your life to love and kiss, you would feel a lot better.

A soft silence fell between them, and Taemin held his still warm cup of chocolate against himself.

"Alright."

"But all of that was only to explain to you why people expect you to search for a girlfriend whom you can kiss and eventually marry."

Jongin got up from the couch to sit down on the ground, right in front of Taemin.

"People fall in love because they seek a bond. Some are looking for someone who will show them their flaws honestly and help them become better versions of themselves. Some are searching for someone who will make them feel wonder and bliss. Some are waiting for a relationship filled with passion. Others only want safety and quiet. But whether you get butterflies in your stomach just by hearing the name of the person you love, or if, on the contrary, you get invaded by an infinite calm... I don’t think that love is about making your heart race or your legs turn to jelly... And I can't describe what it is exactly, because it's different for everyone. We don't all feel it the same way. We don't all show it the same way. We don't all get the same things from it."

"But it's still always the same word. It's always something extremely important, almost the utmost priority!”

"Because no matter how you feel it or whom you feel it towards, it's comfort. No matter how you show it, you're at peace. To me, love is calm. In a way, people know that they're separated from each other, and they're seeking someone who can understand them. That's what I meant by 'bond'. And as I said, it's impossible to describe the feeling perfectly because it has too many shades, too many possible versions. So we call it 'love'. Everyone can see whatever they want in those letters, and everyone can interpret it as they want and use it however they want. Everyone lives it in a different way, with their own level of intensity... And if you say 'love,' no one pictures the same thing, but everyone knows. And if other people don't really understand your version of love, is that really a bad thing?"

Taemin closed his eyes and let his head fall to the table while his small fingers rested on the nape of his neck. He stayed like that for several long minutes, not moving but absentmindedly listening to Jongin slowly drinking his tea.

"Honestly... I’m still having a hard time getting it."

"The most important thing is for you to know that your feelings are legitimate. Whatever they are. You don't have to force yourself into anything, even if you feel things differently, even if you act the opposite of everyone else around you. None of that takes away the value of your emotions. You simply need to forgive others for not noticing and understanding everything about you."

"Mhmm. But how can I know if I'm in love? I can't take this lightly. If it's something that no one can truly describe, how can I know what’s really love?"

Jongin rubbed one of his fingers across his lips.

"I'm not sure I know how to answer that."

There was a brief silence after that as Taemin stared at Jongin, convinced that his friend would find an answer. He wanted an answer so Jongin would find one. He always figured out what to say.

"I think that deep down, in some way, you already know, even if you don’t know how to find it or admit it. There are people who you like and ones who you love, all on different levels. When you get to a person and everything that you feel for them is inexplicable, inexpressible and incomprehensible... when it's all too much for you to even understand it... then you're in love. Because that's what love is: deep, indefinable emotions."

Taemin let his pencil roll across the table. He felt both lost and appeased.

"I think I'm in love."

His voice was only a murmur, but a soft smile bloomed on Jongin's lips.

"But then... It doesn't matter if I don't want to kiss you?"

"No."

"It doesn't mean that it's weaker than the love other people feel?"

"No."

"And you're okay with this? You're still happy?"

"Yes."

Taemin straightened up and finally smiled.

"Alright. My kind of love is a little rare, that's all."

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♥

Thank you a lot for reading.
You can find me on twitter &/or tumblr @moonyki