he's so tired -- exhausted -- on the verge of falling asleep in the van back to fnc. he desperately does not want to go back to the company, not after everything that's happened, but someone has to protect ftisland's name.

because someone couldn't.

just thinking about it summons another wave of tears -- and rage. he worked so hard, gave so much, and this is what he gets in return? he gave up an aspiring acting career for the band, and this is what it's come to? twelve years, gone, just like that? he can't believe it, refuses to, but what's done is done, and nothing anyone does now can change that.

he's just tired.

***

the hallways are blank, white, silent. he scoffs; it's almost as if they knew.

'he's got a terrible temper, stay away from him.'

'he hurts anyone who gets close.'

'all-around scary when he's mad.'

they can say that about him, he doesn't care, but who raised ftisland? who took it all upon himself to shield ft from the haters? who received all that hate, and all on himself?

he did. lee hongki. he did it alone, willingly, because he loved them. he still loves them, still would do anything for them, but--

he curses out loud, kicking open the door to the practice room. the people inside start, leaping to their feet.

hongki freezes in the doorway. he's suprised, he'll admit. he didn't expect to see any of them here, not after the news broke, but here they are, jaejin with his stupid hair, rushing towards him, minhwan with the new gold band shining on his finger, seunghyun with tears spilling out of his eyes, and--

and that's it.

it rises out of nowhere, and as s surround him, hongki breaks down.

it used to be perfect, all of it. hongki could look back, onstage, and smile because he knew it would all be fine. he knew that he could run free, lead them forward like nothing mattered, because there would be someone bringing up the back. there would always be someone in the back, silently cleaning up hongki's messes, taking full responsibility for the back end.

but now, he wonders, were they ungrateful? did they not appreciate him enough, and that was why he went down this path?

hongki doesn't know, and he doesn't want to, not right now. now, he doesn't want anything except to sit here on the ground, clutching onto his younger brothers, and cry. it's been so long since he last cried, and he just wants to hurt.

it's been twelve years. he always thought they would be five. it was five when they first started, five when wonbin left and seunghyun came, five when they almost broke up and came back together again. it's always been five, and hongki always thought they would always be together, that he would always be there, bringing up the back.

but now there's no one in the back, no one to keep them steady, and lee hongki is breaking.

***

"it's always been you, hyung."

jaejin's saying something, but hongki can't focus. what's it matter that it's always been him? maybe they've been focusing on the wrong person all along. maybe it's never been him, maybe the frontman wasn't supposed to take such an active leadership role, maybe--

"it's not your fault."

hongki doesn't want to move, he really doesn't, but he forces himself to shake his head.

"no." his voice comes out raw, raspy and torn. "i couldn't..."

it's my job to protect ft. our name, our band, our group. whatever happens, it's all on me, on me, on me.

he's not supposed to let anything happen to anyone else. it was all supposed to fall on him. people love him, they'd easily forgive his temper. but not the others, not them, and hongki couldn't let anything happen to them. they didn't deserve it.

"he made a choice." it's rare that seunghyun's voice is so quiet. "he needs to live with it."

he doesn't want to bring him up again. it's all he can do to shake his head. the world spins, and hongki has a feeling that he's going to faint.

he doesn't, saved by seunghyun's shoulder pressed into his side. minhwan suddenly gets up, and hongki focuses on him just to have something to focus on. jaejin joins him, and together they bring out a white cake, decorated with a bright yellow logo and a chibi rendition of hongki himself. 'happy white day', the text reads, and hongki feels like laughing.

white day, today? of all days?

"your fans sent it in," seunghyun explains, gripping onto hongki's arm as if he's afraid he'll leave. "we thought it might-- maybe-- cheer you up?"

he wants to cry again and turns his face into seunghyun's hair. jaejin's voice floats over, trembling but attempting to be cheerful. "hyung, you're still such a crybaby after all these years. stop crying and cut your cake."

minhwan's fingers find his face, wiping his cheeks, and seunghyun snorts.

"you really still need us to--" he chokes up too. "you still have us, hyung. it'll be okay."

and he knows that it will. somehow, some way, ftisland will make it through. hongki releases seunghyun and grabs the knife that jaejin offers him.

"come on," he says, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "let's cut it. together."

hey guys guess who's a primadonna

i wrote this like the day the rumor was confirmed, and i'm sure we all know which one

i'm so ing disappointed in him

he wasn't a bad leader, he wasn't a bad musician, he wasn't a bad artist

he might not have even been too bad of a person

but this , you can't mess with this , you had your entire ing life ahead of you

ugh

i'm just so ing mad at him and i know it doesn't help or anything but i needed to say SOMETHING

and lee hongki

oh MAN it always seems like i bias the ones who refuse to show their true emotions

i watched coming out ftisland twice (at least the first two episodes twice) and wow when hongki gets drunk

that's when you can tell what he really ing feels

because it if hongki doesn't love them all? it if he doesn't love what he does?

and as for his comment to that instagram fan???

he's probably definitely ing hurting

they knew each other for more than twelve years and you relaly want me to believe that he can just let go without ing hurting

idc how mean of a lee hongki is, he has FEELINGS

he feels things deeply

and oh my god i just can't