The car ride home was quiet. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath trying to steady my heartbeat. I took my phone out and decided it was time to turn it on. Notifications, missed calls and messages flooded my phone. I skimmed through and replied back to my family and a few of my trusted friends. I smiled as i saw a few vip messages of encouragement and love before putting my phone away. As we pulled up to my apartment i quickly hopped out incase more reporters were lurking somewhere. I entered my apartment throwing the keys on the counter and kicking off my shoes. I hear my manager and bodyguard behind me as i walk to the living room while loosening my tie. I sit down, lean back and close my eyes for a bit.

"Seungriah I'm just gonna go put my stuff in the guestroom". My manager Ji Taekgu said "I'll just crash on the couch" my bodyguard Jaeho said. I opened my eyes looking at them both with a soft smile. "Hyungs, you don't need to stay tonight, i'm ok. We all had a long day today so go home have dinner and rest and I'll see you guys tomorrow" I said happily. They looked at each other not sure if they believed me. So i stood up and gave them both a hug before pushing them towards the door. "Aigooo i know you guys love me but I'm a Strong baby remember? Plus i just want to sleep maybe put an ice pack on my head thanks to that reporter" i said while laughing. "Seungriah, you know we're here for you right? You can talk to us any time." My manager said. "Yes yes hyung i know, now gooooo hooooommmme im tired." I said using alot of ageyo and pulling my best puppy eyes. They both laughed before agreeing to leave. They gave me one last hug before they left and i locked the door. I'm fine i told myself as i got ready for bed, I'm fine. The results will be out and then i can just put this behind me I'm fine. Things will die down soon, I'll be ok, I'm fine. I close my eyes and let sleep take me away as i felt a tear slip down my cheek. I'm fine.

It creeped up on me like a shadow attaching its self to my mind. I pushed the doubts and thoughts away, fighting internally with myself. They kept getting louder and louder, soon images started to fill my head so i sat up opening my eyes thinking they would disappear. It was a mistake. It only became more vivid. Each word being said felt like a knife driving itself into my body, every taunt made it harder to breathe. I leaned back against the headboard knees pulled up to my chest, my fingers slowly moved to grip my hair. "Im ok, im fine, I'm ok, I'm fine" i repeated out loud.  

"He's so troublesome. He's the weakest member. He should do himself a favor and commit suicide. Hyuseung should have been the 5th member. I knew he was a druggie. He's trash. I hope he goes to jail. So sick of seeing him. He paid them to cover up his filthy deeds. Too bad the accident in 2014 didn't kill him. He's an embarrassment to BigBang. He has no talent and as a businessman. Karma finally caught this sinner. He's going to the military soon, so when the other's return they can cut him out for good. Honestly thou his solo career is a flop. Someone put this abuser in jail.".... They were getting louder, it hurt so bad my body trembled physically. 

"Please.......please...i'm not a bad guy......its all lies....I'll work harder....please....." I said as tears streamed down my face, it was getting harder to breathe. I began to claw at my chest, my heart was beating so fast it began to hurt. I crawled to the edge of the bed and fell to the floor. My mind felt like it was going to explode. I got up and walked to the bathroom, each step i took felt like i was walking on glass. I walked to the sink and the tap. Splashing water on my face a few times before looking into the mirror. "Why does he leach off Jiyong so much? He always uses the other members. The other's are better off without him. Finger's crossed that he'll stay in the military. He's the useless member that does nothing. He drag's BigBang down".....I grip the sink tighter "Stop! Stop it! Stop! Please stop it!!!" I shouted as my fist went through the mirror. 

Glass shattered everywhere on the floor and in the sink, i look down and see bright red drops of blood, i glance at my fist and see glass sticking out from my knuckles. I realized i didn't feel any pain at all, so i grabbed a piece sticking out and pushed it in further and still nothing. So this is why others do it, theres no pain, its all in your mind, i look at a big piece and pick it up, i turn it over in my hands as i walk backwards. My back hits the wall and i slide down, legs stretched out still looking at the piece in my hand. 

I close my eyes and think of my family. I've put them through so much. They only got dragged into this because they tried to protect me. Tears silently fell as i thought of all the good times i had with them. I thought of my mothers laughter, my dads crushing hugs and my little sisters complaints as i bugged her. I thought of our family holidays, i thought of all the memories we made. I thought of my friend's in my trusted circle, i thought of how i should have done more to show how i appreciated their efforts to stand beside me through it all, i thought of my loyal fans who are still defending me, who are crying for me, who hurt for me. I wish i could gift something personal to them, so that they knew that because of them i carried on. Tears shook my body as i cried my heart out.

 "Aigooooo my poor baby brother...you've been through quite a lot lately" i heard a familiar voice say. I look to my left and i see my bingu hyung with  a big smile on his face but it didn't seem to reach his eyes. I blinked again knowing it was just my imagination but there he still was. Sitting on a chair casually leaning forward onto his knees. "Hyung, i miss you so much" i choked out. Even thou he was doing public service it was still hard to meet up. "I know seungri i know. But maknaeah you have to stay strong ok? Won't be long and hyung will be out and we can go create your own personal wine. Hyung will help you pick flavors that are just like maknae ok?. He said looking at me with excitement and I nodded with a smile.

" Really hyung? That's what you want to do?" a serious yet gentle voice said i look and i see youngbae hyung leaning casually against the door giving the eldest a stern look. "What? It'll just be wine tasting" Top hyung said defensively. "Yeah thats my point thou hyung, wine tasting with you means 2 or 3 full glasses of each wine bottle until your both completely drunk and before you know it your texting me videos of you kissing the bottles saying you liiiiiiike, while maknae will be calling and texting jiyong cute videos and selfies of himself." Youngbae said with a huff. I looked at the both of them and started to laugh. Top hyung may be the oldest but against protective mama bear Youngbae he was like a little kid getting scolded. Youngbae hyung looked at me and smiled softly. "There's my little riri" he said "It's been tough ri i know but i know you can make it through this. It'll all end soon ok? we will all be united annnnd I'll even cook you a meal." He said with a big smile "Will it be a full course meal?" I said eagerly "but of course anything for my riri" he said. 

"Ohhhh so maknae line having a full course dinner cooked by youngbae hyung. Yeeeessss!!!!! We are going to eat good!!!!!" A loud and cheerful daesung hyung said while bouncing lightly on my bed he was sitting on. "Yah i said riri not you" youngbae hyung said jokingly. "Awww wae? Seungri tell him, where you go i go, where i go i go alone because your too young dongsaeng." Daesung hyung said "wait daeaung hyung, you mean you can come with me but i cant come with you?" I said "thats correct my dongsaeng, you know they call me Yabi kang for a reason" he said with a wink. I couldn't help it i started laughing again. "See dongsaeng things will get better ok? Just stay positive and we'll be with you soon. I'll even pamper you with a full Daesung spa facial. So head high and hang in there ok?" He said with a sad smile. My vision began to blur with unshed tears as i looked at them. "I miss you all so much" i whispered as i found it hard to talk. "I...i...im so sorry I'm the weakling in our gr...gro...group. N..nn...no matter how ha...hard i try...im just not goo..good enough" i cried out. Tears were now falling freely as i wished for nothing more but a hug from them. 

I looked around and see that i was alone yet again which only caused me to cry more. I felt a hand pat my head and i was than scooped into a tight embrace. I felt a hand running through my hair and i heard a soft voice singing softly "You think it's over, that its our last time but I can't accept those thought's. I can't let go cause you never know, my love for you, your love for me, we'll never find a love the same again. Nobody knows but we always know" I recognized the tune as untitled 2014 and my heart broke even more. I buried myself into the embrace that i knew so well. 

Sobs shook my body as i finally let go of the piece of glass in my hand. I feel myself being moved to my bed and i lay down, i look and see my Jiyongie laying down beside me so we were facing each other. I slowly lifted my hand afraid that he would disappear, i traced the shape of his lips, his nose, his eyes, his eye brows, his jaw and cheeks willing myself to commit it all to memory. I hear a soft chuckle and looked up into his eyes. "my panda, didn't i just spend my vacation days convincing you to be strong, didn't i take to Instagram for you as well? Yet here you are so eager to leave me. Do i not love you enough to strengthen you through this ordeal?. Maknaeah do you wish to leave me so soon?." He said His voice hoarse from his emotions. 

I searched his eye's and i what i found mirrored my own. "Your love for me is more then enough yongieah, its so strong that it sets my soul on fire with so much passion. I'm sorry yongieah really, it was just all too much and i missed you all, and...and...yongieah i feel so alone." I said quietly. "But my love you are not. Your family is here, your manager is here, your REAL friends are here and your true fans are here." He said "i know yongieah but my hyungs aren't here, you...your not here" i choked out. "I don't know how your here with me, i know its all in my head but yongieah i want to stay in this dream, i feel safe here, i want to stay like this, forever in your arms. Yongieah please don't leave". I cried. He tightened his arms around me, moving me so my head was on his chest, my arms wrapped around his waist and our legs tangled together.

"Aigooo my silly love, we have always been with you. Im here right now because your heart called me here. Whenever your in pain your heart calls out to those you need and they will come. We have been connected from the very start. So when times are hard your heart and mind go to your safe place calling out to the hearts of those who will protect you. So you see love you are never alone." He said as he tilted my head to look at him. I saw pure love and raw passion in his eyes, my yongieah was always such a passionate person. A lot of people saw him as cold and swaggy but here in my arms he was full of love and passion. He lowered his head till we were forehead to forehead, i felt his breath fan across my face and my body tingled. 

"I love you with everything that i am, i need you more then i need air, you are my will to carry on, you light up my gloomy world with your presence, seungriah, lee seunghyun, VI, maknaeah, victory, my panda, my fierce tiger, YOU are my life. Continue to fight my love, fight for your passion in music, fight for your employees that look up to you, fight for your family who will always need you, fight for your LOYAL fans, fight for BigBang, fight for me,......my heart fight for our LOVE, fight for US". He whispered. Words would not come out because i was so emotional so i just nodded my head. And he pressed a soft kiss to my lips. He leaned back and shifted us to a more comfortable position, tightening his arms around me. "sleep now my love and have courage to face the new day. Arm yourself with our love and carry on. We will be reunited soon my heart and i promise the only tears you will cry will be tears of happiness, unless of course the other 3 choose to have a go at you". he said laughing softly. "But fear not my panda i will rescue you but always after i have a little go at you too, you know how i love it when your flustered or slightly annoyed, the end result is ALWAYS the best part". He said with a wink. I laughed and hit his chest. "I knew it! And you claim that its all fun and games for fan service." I huffed out. I heard him laugh as he pulled me close again and buried his face in the crook of my neck. I felt so much better, although i knew when i wake up he would be gone my heart felt a little lighter. "I love you seungriah" he whispered. "I love you too yongieah" i replied as i finally let sleep take over.

I felt my body being shaken roughly, i heard choked out cries of someone calling me to wake up, i opened my eyes slowly, my room was bright with sunlight and it hurt my eyes to fully open them. I see my manager kneeling beside my bed with his head buried in him hands, i see Jaeho hyung pacing the room on the phone. "Im sorry seungri, i knew i should have just stayed with you." My manager kept saying. "Hy..hyung." I whispered, my throat felt so dry. He looked up at me as if not believing that i was looking at him before he launched himself at me. "Oh thank God! Seungri your ok, im so sorry!" He cried out. Jaeho hyung rushed to my side as well giving me a side hug and checking to see where i was hurt. 

"I called the ambulance they should be here soon" jaeho hyung said i immediately panicked. "No hyung cancel it quickly! If they media sees it come to my apartment they will assume that i tried to commit suicide and make me look even more guilty, and it'll be worse for me hyung please. I'm fine i just have a few cuts on my hand thats it. You can check after but please call them back and cancel it." I pleaded. He quickly made abother call and i relaxed against my pillows again. I look at my manager and he had slightly puffy eyes. "Hyung im sorry, i felt so low and i wasnt myself. It all became too much but im ok now. My hyungs helped me realize that i can keep fighting". I said with a small smile. He looked a little confused but just nodded "yes seungri keep fighting, itll be ok in the end. The truth will always win." He said. I agreed and looked out my window. Yes i will keep fighting, i wont lie its exhausting but i have so much to fight for. I wont give in. I'm ready to face the world again. I will not cower under all the pressure. I will win in the end because I AM VICTORY.