It had been on our minds for days, if not weeks—if not years. The mood was solemn when he told us of his decision, months back. We didn’t say a lot, because even though inside we might have all been shouting “hajima! don’t go!” we also knew that it was inevitable, merely something we were brought to face with now rather than later. And though it was painful, I realized it was definitely a wise decision on his part. But knowing that he came to us first, before the company, I knew he was seeking our strength and support before he could be anywhere near comfortable about actually taking the step. And so, with heavy hearts, we approved.

He went and discussed with the company and soon, news articles came out. Meanwhile, we made our fourth album comeback as a ten-member band. I saw that some of the members were secretly relieved that the concept did not ask for fake smiles; its tone could be achieved by a serious, steely face. Yet even though the decision was made and the ice broken, there was still a matter about it weighing on my mind. I ventured to ask him why was it that he chose to enter in October, when it was clear that all he would be doing in the time between was sitting at home doing some more self-reflection any way.

“Any sooner would be too soon,” was his answer. “This will give me time to prepare.”

But I very well knew that was not the reason. It was apparent that, despite our approval, he still recognized the pain and grieving in our eyes, and he could not bear to leave us, his brothers, his fans, while we were so. I knew, by himself, he would have it sooner—but he was delaying it for our sake.

So I gathered the members together and gave them a talk. They should not be grieving about this; their sadness was holding him back at a time where he needed our smiles to see him off. They had to understand that it was something we all had to face together, come it now or later. And to ensure that they got the message, I told them that Heechul, who I had discussed with prior, and I would enlist by early 2012, the latest. I announced it to the public, articles were published, and they had no choice but to accept the reality of it.

The next time we met, I was relieved to find the members showing their unhindering encouragement and glad to see how his strength seemed to swell at this. A while after, he made the decision to pull forward his date of enlistment to July. Once again, articles came out, and this time, he seemed confident.

In the weeks leading up to his marked calendar square, the issue would sometimes pop up in conversation, where we would laugh and encourage him with lines such as “yah, you’ll show them that idols can keep up just as well!” or “you better lose some weight and become healthier, understand?” and he would take it all in, with that chubby, genuine smile of his to show gratitude.

Later, the repackaged album was released. It was a lot off my shoulders to know that he could now feel comfortable going, after giving his last to the fans. And I felt that our follow-up song was very fitting to the situation. We all agreed that we should put on our best smiles, to show assurance to both the fans and him, to bid him a cheerful farewell. I like to believe that we made everyone smile with those performances.

And then, the day came. I noticed that many fans felt like it was a “dreaded day,” one which they wished “would never come.” I did not hold the same views. My feelings about the inevitability of it had not changed, and was it not sometimes better to get things over with? The day was going to come, and we were going to have to get through it, one way or another.

There were a few conflicts with the company about our schedules for that day. However, after much persuasion and compromise, we were able to arrange it so that we would all be able to go see him off. The price we paid was an overnight filming, and I felt very apologetic towards the crew for making them work overnight as well, but I also felt that—for me and the members, at least—it was a small price to pay to be able to attend something which was priceless beyond efforts.

He was talking to those gathered when we arrived. The moment I saw him, dressed simply in a cap, blue polo, jeans, and sneakers, I wanted to instantly rush to him and embrace him with the brotherly love, to convey to him how proud I was of his handling of the situation, and that he would always have our support. However, we were told to hold back until he finished his words. My eyes wandered approvingly over the few hundred fans who had shown up, seeing placards of encouragement and support. Then, I glanced to him, who I could tell was nervous, but also very appreciative as well, and doing his best to give the last assuring image until his return in two years. I thought of how I would soon be in his place, and wondered how it would be like. Would I be feeling the emotions he was currently experiencing, as well?

He finished his small speech and we were given the go-ahead. Hearts in the moment thumping together, we walked towards him, and though I wanted to just run, I knew the cameras were present, and held myself back to a confident walk. Nevertheless, I could see that the paces of the rest of the members were rushed, as if in an unannounced race as to who would reach him first.

I looked straight into his eyes and when I got to him and greeted him with a wide smile, hoping that it would relieve whatever worries he had. I drew my arms around him as the others crowded around as well, feeling his warm, beating, breathing body beneath my palms and the strength which lay latent inside. After that, I stepped back and let the others surround him, still keeping a smile on my face. It would be foolish for me to cry; it would only worry him more, if we sent him off with tears. With smiles, he could be assured of our well-being and focus on working hard in his time of country service.

When he started to bow his head and squint his eyes, I felt tears trying to leak their way out of mine, and the breath beginning to choke in my throat. But I set myself firm and focused on maintaining that smile. Aware of my intentions, the other members tried their best to keep calm faces as well, but for some of them it was too much to bear. Sungmin bowed his head and hid his face under his cap. Heechul tried to control his sobs by covering his mouth. Jongwoon kept his face still and strong but one could not miss the fact that there were tears being shed beneath that cap. Beside me, I could almost feel the tears rising up in Hyukjae, though he managed to not let them spill out.

Saranghaeyo, Kim Youngwoon! Milky skin, Kim Youngwoon! Kim! Young! Woon! I led the chant with vigor.

After that, he took off his hat, saluted, and bowed down to the fans. My pride swelled even further, and as the other members tried to choke back emotions, I took the lead in initiating the much-deserved applause. When he rose, I could not help but pull him into a hug one more time, giving him strong pats on the back. It was enough for him to see my feelings, and he quickly whispered in my ear a “thank you, hyung” before we parted.

As we walked with him away from the scene, I lifted my face towards the blue sky and blinked away the few tears which had managed to overcome my hold. In a second, it flashed through my mind all the things that would be empty with him gone. The laughter, the dominant voice, the strength and character—and me, I would be losing the castle which I leaned on to rule.

I lowered my gaze away from the sky and back to earth. No, I could not have my castle beside me forever; of course I would have to learn to rule without it. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, at how the others surrounded him, expressing their feelings and thoughts to him without a single sound, emanating the strength in all their hearts to his. And in the silence heavy with words, without the need of me calling for it, a smile grew on my face.

That’s right. In two years, he’ll be stronger. And so will we.

“Have a pleasant short journey, my friend.”

- - - -

A/N: I know it's trite to have this be in Leader-sshi's POV. xP But he was my only choice. On first instinct, I wanted to do it from Heechul's POV, but I realized the message(s) I wanted to convey were not the ones Heenim conveys. Then, looking to the other members for selection, I found that I didn't know all that well what they would feel about the situation. In the end, I wasn't going to write anything at all until Leeteuk came out with the line "rather than crying and feeling sad, cheer for Kangin so that he can come back safely and accomplish great works." And that was exactly what I needed. Watching the video footage of the farewell also solidified it for me. And so after a few hours of working, I was able to muddle out the piece above. Hope it's adequate. ^^

Thanks for reading!