When Youngjae was little, he thought love was about red roses, expensive dinners, walk hand-in-hand in a park, and a kiss under the blanket of stars.
But the truth is, love is giving him half of his burger when he said he wasn’t hungry anymore--- for he knows he will be going to ask for “one more bite”.
Love is waking up at 3 am to him snoring and sleep talking about how hungry he is, and still refraining from shoving him off the bed.
It’s talking in accents and acting cute just to make him laugh after a long day or maybe just trying to embarrass one another in public.
It’s also going on adventures and making fun of each other.
It is those petty fights, stupid misunderstandings, and memorable cringey makeups.
Because Youngjae learned, love isn’t pretty and romantic;

Love--- how vague it seems to be---- it is just stumbling through life with your bestfriend, your soulmate, and your partner in crime all at once.

 

Falling for him was never in Youngjae’s plan.
Heck, falling in love was never on his list.
He never imagined being romantically involved with him; “This is pure business,” he mumbled--- a mantra of some sort.
How cheesy and cringey it might sound but Youngjae wasn’t looking for anything at all when he met him. Actually, he wasn’t planning on falling for anyone soon.

But Im Jaebeom happened.

And that was it… Youngjae guessed.
Youngjae wasn’t looking when he met Jaebeom--- the strict leader of their group. But it turned out he was everything Youngjae was looking for.
Im Jaebeom enters Choi Youngjae’s life out of nowhere, and suddenly he means the world to him.

 

 

The beeping sound of the keycode made the younger brunette lad stopped from his nostalgic reverence, walking to the front door to help the older male take off his coat.

“Hyung, it’s already late. I told you, you don’t need to drop by. I am doi---” Jaebeom cut his words by gently pulling his arm and locked him in a tight embrace.
“I want to,” the older male butted in response, voice muffled by Youngjae’s brunette locks.

No matter how much Youngjae would like to bask in the moment, he gently pushed Jaebeom to give them a bit of a distance. “Come on, I’ll heat up some food. You look so tired,” he said, already trudging towards the kitchen with Jaebeom trailing behind him. If Youngjae just looked closely, he will see a soft glint in Jaebeom’s eyes under the bright fluorescent lighting of the house.

They relatively eat in silence--- well Jaebeom eating and Youngjae enjoying a hot cup of tea--- it was not an uncomfortable one, but it made the younger male worried on how the man in front of him isn’t saying anything for the past thirty minutes.

Youngjae breaks the silence by asking, “Is there something wrong?” 
The older male lifted up his gaze, slowly shaking his head with a gentle smile playing on his lips, he reaches for Youngjae’s hand across the table and intertwined it like it was meant to be that way.

“It’s okay if you can’t find the words, I’ll wait.”

And that’s how it’s always been, them knowing the words despite the silence.
And that’s how it’s always been, loving someone without any strings attached---

----that’s what he thought; that’s what they thought.

 

 

 

“It’s okay if you can’t find the words, I’ll wait,” the young brunette lad said. Thumb drawing small circles on Jaebeom’s knuckles. This earned him a small soft smile from the older male.

The younger gently disconnected their intertwined hands, “No, just sit there. I’ll just do the dishes,” hands already reaching for the plate and utensils Jaebeom used. 
“Thank you,” he mumbled to the younger man.

Jaebeom traced the youngers beauty from where he was sitting--- his physique did change a lot from the very first time he met him. They are now manlier but still exudes the same softness he adores. 
The first time Jaebeom met him, it wasn’t love at first sight… more like a question at first sight--- “Can this kid handle the stress of the idol life?”

His affection for him formed steadily.

It all started when he finds himself searching first for the younger singer in the sea of crews and staff; when he finds himself staring longer at Youngjae; when he yearns more and more for his warmth.
It all started when the word “younger brother” does not sit well on his tongue anymore.

His love for him formed gradually.

Gradually, he said--- from his positive personality, his honey-like voice, his soft hair, his warm eyes, the mole under his eye, his humor, the way he tucked his hair behind his ear, the way he laughs unrestrained, the way he got shy--- gaze looking down and smile…

Steadily, gradually, bit by bit….

It all came clear to Jaebeom, that Youngjae was exactly what he was looking for;
The person that will courageously infiltrate the walls he built around him; that someone who will fearlessly discover the way through the labyrinth he made.
The person who broke down his walls without him noticing, and rebuilt them but adding windows to let the warm sunshine in.
That is the moment Jaebeom knew, he is undeniably… in love.

 

 

“Thank you,” Jaebeom said. The younger male trudges to the sink and dive into doing the dishes--- facing away from the older male.

Despite not seeing the other, Youngjae knows how much Jaebeom is trying to keep awake. His chin resting on his palm, one arm folded on the table, hair tousled everywhere---it looks like Jaebeom ran his hands on his hair multiple times on the course of the day.
To Youngjae, Jaebeom looked soft under the bright kitchen lighting. The younger male turned off the faucet, slightly turning his body so he can watch Jaebeom from his peripheral--- he is staring at the ripples of the water from the glass he is holding like it holds all the answers in his questions.
Jaebeom was the tide, always drifting in and out of the lives of those who adored him. Eternally indecisive, unable to discern whether he desired the solidity and safety of land, or the wild freedom of the ocean.
It is not a bad thing though, Youngjae thought. Being the leader of six other rambunctious boys isn’t an easy task. Jaebeom always put the group first before himself. How he is always kind to others but lacks compassion to himself. How Jaebeom thinks that putting himself first is a selfish act. 
This time he is deliberately looking at the older male, body leaning by the sink. Trying to find the answers on the unheard questions swaying between them. Trying to make amend on the loose threads and weave them together.

“Spare the poor water from your deep wandering, Hyung,” Youngjae said after what he feels like a long time of silence.
The older once again for the second time that night, lifts up his gaze to meet Youngjae’s.

Dark onyx eyes meet warm caramel ones.

He scoffed at the sudden remark, “Yah! This Brat.”

Youngjae throws his head back and laugh unrestrained--- the kind of laugh that will brighten everyone’s mood, and Jaebeom is not exempted to it.
In a matter of seconds, the whole apartment, maybe the whole building was filled with loud laughter from the two singers.
Jaebeom was the first one who get holds of himself followed by Youngjae whose cheeks are now dusted by a slight blush from too much laughing.

As the silence envelopes them again, the younger male marches to the light switch to change the light setting--- Youngjae knows that their leader prefers dimmer lighting. He watches Jaebeom as the older followed his movements and gently smile once he figured out what the younger singer has done. 
Once done with the lights, Youngjae settled himself on the chair in front of the older male.

“Stop overthinking life like you have to have an answer to every feeling or situation,” he said mirroring Jaebeom’s stance but instead just one palm supporting his chin, Youngjae decided to cup his cheeks using both of his hands.
He knows he caught Jaebeom off-guard from the way the older male quirked his eyebrows and pursed his lips.
Youngjae swiftly grabbed the glass the older male has been holding since their late-night dinner ended and replace the now empty hand with his; dainty fingers making tapping motion on Jaebeom’s palm--- as if mimicking the drizzles that gently pour on the calm river and creating mellow ripples on the surface.

“Relax, we were never in control anyway,” and Jaebeom warmly smiled at him, softly closing his palm to stop Youngjae’s playing fingers, lifts it up and placed it on his left cheek, eyelashes brushing on Youngjae’s hand.

And they stay like that for a while. Motions seized. Time seemed to stop. Vulnerable and stripped- off.

And that night, as Youngjae looked at the man in front of him--- holding his hand with eyes closed, steady breathing--- he could feel it.
He could feel the affection and love that filled his entire body. 
The kind of love that made him want to scream all his worries and fears, so they have no way of finding their way back in.

That night when he looked at him, Youngjae thought with a gentle smile playing on his lips, agile hands gently sweeping the loose strands of hair that splayed on Jaebeom’s eyes, ‘ahhh, so this is how love is supposed to feel.’

 

 

 

“Relax, we were never in control anyway,” the younger male rebutted, he just gave him a warm smile as a response. Because what can he say, Youngjae is right once again.

So, he did the only thing that what seems right at the moment--- hold the younger’s hand. 
Fatigue slowly creeping in, but he feels warm under the dim lighting of the younger’s dining area with his soft hand on his cheeks. Jaebeom let himself get lost in the moment--- soft voice that whispered kindness and sweet promises.
In Youngjae’s hold, he has finally found all he never dared dream he could deserve or have--- the kind of love that is rare.
Being known in a way that touches the deepest parts of him he doesn’t know himself. Accepted his demons in a way that blows his mind.

Youngjae made Jaebeom love the person he is and the person he will never be.

He can still feel the tapping motion Youngjae made on his palm minutes ago. The way it calms his anxiety, brings quietness in his thoughts, takes solace to his uneasy soul--- like how the younger’s dainty fingers plays on the ivory piano tiles creating a soft melody that becomes a safe place for Jaebeom to stay.

It is enough.

Jaebeom feels the stare the younger is giving him and wonders what the other is thinking right at the moment. He felt the soft graze of Youngjae’s free hand sweeping away those loose strands of hair draping on his eyes.
He slowly opened his eyes and meet the intense but soft gaze of the younger lad. And he knows, when both of them gently smile, it is like a secret they both share, they both know, even without any words uttered, they have found what the whole world desperately searching for.

The questions don’t matter anymore. 
The answer will always be him.

That night, Jaebeom learned that love is when you look beyond the suit of skin and flesh but seeing the person within.
It is looking at his sleepy face in the morning while the warm sunlight grazes his features. The way he sometimes zoned out in conversation just to observe the younger’s face lights up as he talks, or how his eyes turns into crescent lines when he laughs--- and how that just melts something inside him.
Because how will you define love, if it wasn’t those.

And that’s how it’s always been, him never believing in destiny until it led him to Youngjae.
And that’s how it’s always been, loving someone without any strings attached---

----that’s what he thought; that’s what they thought.