"What's wrong with me?" Jisung asked himself with a sigh. 

He doesn't know why, he loves his boyfriend, Felix so much, hell he's so thankful he has this wonderful, understanding and amazing boyfriend but despite that, Jisung gets easily tempted. Jisung is a really that guy who has a lot of friends, he's as clingy as a koala too but there are two specific individuals who he cares about more than his other friends. It's not because he has favoritism nor this individuals are his actual life best friends but more like because they're the guys Jisung has history with. Changbin, Minho and Jisung all knew each other from school and they are childhood friends, and by history he meant love kind of history. Changbin liked Jisung while Jisung liked Minho, but he still flirted with both. 

It was more like a flirt relationship than friendship. They're close and still can open up to one another but it was pretty much more on the timid flirting as to what Jisung recalls. Jisung liked Changbin for a short time, maybe because he just found Changbin quite cute for sleeping too much and for being too timid and shy. Changbin was just a literal sleepy sunshine, but after grade school ended Changbin transferred schools. Minho transferred schools as well leaving Jisung at his own. The younger managed his whole middle school, high school came and MInho came back to Jisung. He was extremely happy, he has his friend back and he missed Minho so much. Jisung then had his attention all to Minho, Minho became one of his best friends and they are each other's go to person when things get rough like break ups and so on. 

High school was the edge and the beginning of whatever attitude Jisung would have today. His first kiss was taken by Minho, on the veranda of his room under the night sky, with all those awkward funny moments. One would think that the younger was happy about the situation. His first kiss, taken by his childhood friend but the latter was confused and scared. Minho was dating during that time, it was one of those times where in Minho was vulnerable, confused whether his girlfriend actually likes him or uses him as pets to her game of gaining 7 boyfriends within the year. Jisung didn't have any intention to ruin the moment of vulnerabilty, he still blames it with his difficulty in hearing and Minho warned him not to come closer. Minho was tempted as well, until he just went on with it and kissed Jisung. 

That night was the beginning for Jisung's distorted relationship with Minho. Minho cheated at his girlfriend by kissing another person, who is a male, his best friend and childhood friend. There was no remorse or realization of what've occured and Jisung went on with it saying that it should be kept only for the two of them. The elder is a big tease and everyone knows that especially the younger, Minho would sometimes tease Jisung that he would kiss him and such. It was like that until at one point they reach the situation where they cross the line of friends- it was a totally off when Minho almost Jisung. Nonetheless, the younger put all those behind and forgave the latter, it wasn't a good excuse but Jisung was almost blindly inlove with the elder. 

Few years later, the same kissing incident happened, only this time both of them are cheating, Minho cheating at his new girlfriend and Jisung to Felix. Jisung has no excuse, he was incredibly so in to the moment he didn't think of one single memory about Felix until Minho pulled apart. "You do realize we're both cheating right?" Jisung said, Minho nod and smiled - widely  "That's what makes it more exciting," he said. It was a pull and push thought for Jisung. He wanted to be righteous but his body won't correspond to its demands. They crossed the line again, this time with consent. Jisung let's Minho take the lead. They might seem like friends with benefits at this point, but they deny this kind of relationship as they never really had . This distorted relationship kept Jisung, still at his sanity. He still keeps and craves for more instances with Minho even though they both agreed not to let it happen again. They were both liars for that when the following day it became broken promise. 

Jisung knew Minho too well. Minho is only sweet when he needs Jisung or when Jisung treats Minho food to a restaurant or a trip. Sometimes it would also go to the extent that if the elder wasn't feeling it or has no time for Jisung, he'd just ignore or leave the latter. The younger was used to it, he doesn't really mind nor even thought of wishing the elder was his significant other and that they'd be happy together instead of their current relationships. The younger already accepted the fact that they'll always be standing on this thin thread between friendship and lovers. They can never go back to just friends nor be happy as lovers. He was contented regardless of the situation, as long as he can cling hard and have Minho in his sight, he was fine, as long as Minho gives him the attention he wants, he's fine. Even though he might get a few banters, insults and negligence from the elder, he doesn't mind. He just loves Minho in a special way even though he was being treated as an option. Jisung will never know why but he knows there is something psychologically wrong with him, he will never be contented with the type of attention he gets and he continues to crave more. It wasn't even in the matter whether he is lonely or not, he just wants attention. 

He reasons out again, one can't really and entirely hate Minho. Although the latter has this face of him as something similar to an and someone who doesn't and wouldn't give a about anything that is not him, there is this side of vulnerability Jisung sees. Minho is kind of a self-centered jerk but when he notice things, he notices things in detail, like how Jisung scent is different from othes, how Jisung's voice is so distinguished and noticeable even in the stream of people, how his presence is strong. Minho would also notice the changes in Jisung's attitude, when he suddenly comes over he'd know that something's wrong, how he'd listen to him intently, how despite their situation he'd still care for the latter although it was all subtle and how even smallest incidents would make Minho smile the brightest out of no reason. Even with that, Jisung would never miss the instances that Minho just wants to break down, how he's not happy to the way things turn out, how he just wants to follow what he wants and not having people tell him what to do and all those chances Minho is lost to the point of giving up. Minho gives off a hard impact on people, thinking he was tough but he's actually the softest and fragile human being out there. Jisung doesn't let go of Minho probably for that reason. 

Felix is there, probably in the same course as Minho, but Jisung would differ the two as always. Felix is always vulnerable that sometimes it tires Jisung. He loves and dearly cares for the younger but at some point Jisung founds himself not entirely happy with this kind of relationship. Everything was close to perfect, Jisung finally found someone who wouldn't take him for granted, someone who only wishes for his well being, someone that cares for him, someone who could act as his friend and significant other, someone that wouldn't be to centered to him and will live his life according to what he wants while carrying the thoughts of Jisung as reference for future, it was all Jisung could ever wish for, but he founds himself taking Felix for granted. He wanted to leave the latter but when the time comes and he opens up that he's getting tired of the relationship, he'd go take his word back and apologize to Felix. It was probably what Minho had said before, he stays for someone not because they love them but because they got used to it. Jisung is denial to his feelings, he's quite confused of what makes him stay, the sense of getting used to dating, the fact that maybe he's considering that Felix is emotionally blackmailing him or that he still loves the younger but he's just getting tired not getting the attention he wants. 

It was by chance that Jisung had crossed paths with Changbin again one fateful day. Jisung just came back from the studios and suddenly he saw a man running probably late for his class as the university was just near from where he was situated. "Changbin?" He whispered softly, taking in the idea that he just met Changbin. It was also by chance a few days later they crossed paths, it was Changbin's birthday. Jisung and Changbin still have each other's SNS accounts and with this the younger messaged Changbin and greeted him. Ever since then they would chat almost 24/7. Jisung was happy again with the attention he's getting. 

Changbin was just a childhood sweetheart, he was quite timid and cute. Jisung adores him so much to the point that he wasn't oblivious with the latter's feelings for him. Changbin didn't changed, he still has a soft heart and little space for his feelings for Jisung to the point that he doesn't know how to hide his excitement and happiness when the latter contacted him again. Of course his ex-boyfriend and also his current bestfriend Hyunjin ruined everything for him and exposed his undying feelings for Jisung to Jisung himself. It was funny how the center of his attention and his ex-boyfriend became friends immediately while talking about how Changbin was during their relationship. Jisung may or may have thought that he's taking Changbin for granted as how he's taking Felix for granted, he's taking advantage of the elder's feeling for him but he doesn't have the sense of thinking about it anymore. 

The younger invites Changbin more often at his place as it was close to the university where the elder was studying. It was once incident when Changbin was just tired from all the school work and wants sleep. His house was quite a ride being 20 minutes away from the university with the additional stress of traffic and the piling school work he has. He was tired and needs a hug, which Jisung was willing enough to give, but then he realized that the elder needs all the rest he can get and having him go home and do his work wouldn't be the best way to go as he will burn out eventually. "Come over, I'll let you sleep," is what all it took for Changbin to come over, tired eyes with messy hair. "Sleep Changbin, you need it," he said and the latter slept through almost immediately. It was 40 minutes since the elder slept and he had to wake him up so he can finish all the work on time, "Binnie, wake up," he said softly and the elder stirred awake putting his hand on the younger's head slowly patting it. Jisung smiled, it was cute and to say he was flustered was an understatement. He was being treated like a child sometimes he grew fond of the idea. Changbin sat up and yawned, the younger opened his arms to offer a hug that Changbin needed earlier and the elder just dive right into it. They sat there comfortably, neither one wanting to let go or move away from the warmth they both have. 

Even though neither one really wants to move, Changbin still needs to go home. He unwillingly moved away only to get Jisung pulled him in another hug. As if by instinct the younger placed a soft peck on the elder's cheeks and smiled widely, letting go. "I'll send you home," Jisung said and stood up. They walked to the bus stop animatedly talking about a lot of stuff they weren't able to talk about earlier and when Changbin was about to get in the bus, they hugged one last time and bid goodbye. They chatted again and talked about things earlier, how the hugs were warm and soft and how they both needed it. "About the kiss earlier... is you boyfriend okay with it?" Changbin asked. Jisung thought about it, Felix doesn't really mind, "Yeah, and I do quote, 'I'm fine with it as long as no one kisses you on the lips, that's mine for me to kiss" he replied. Few days later, they both met up again and sat on the room cuddling. 

Thoughts began to fill Jisung's mind on how natural and comfortable things are happening right now, it was all warm and natural. It was as if Changbin was his and his only. He is really selfish to ask for more attention, more than Felix, more than Minho. He found it all in Changbin, with all those timid touches and warm hugs. As usual it was time for Changbin to leave again having a family trip later that day. The elder didn't want to let go, so when the clock turned 4PM he hugged Jisung tighter and closer whispering, "I don't want to move, it's comfortable here," and Jisung's heart wavered. He felt the same and he felt soft on how Changbin treats him. He sees himself in Changbin at that point, where he's reluctant to leave the latter and reminds him how special he is. Changbin unwillingly moved again and Jisung pulled him in another hug but this time, it was Changbin who left a peck on his cheeks with a wide smile, "Walk me to the station?" and so they did. Jisung was crimson red and his smile was never getting off, "You're having butterflies are you?" Changbin teased, it was the first time Jisung heard the elder make jokes about it and he kinda liked it. "Oh God Changbin, don't mention it," he said laughing trying to hide the smile on his face. The elder was quite satisfied with the reaction he got and said "It was just a get-back from last time,". 

That single phrase was enough for Jisung to get to his train of thoughts. He couldn't stop comparing again. If only Minho could be this sweet to him, if only Felix could be this calm he wouldn't think of anything else. He didn't mean to openly say it but he just blurted out "Why can't Minho be sweet like you?" Jisung whined, the elder chuckled "Atleast I'm consistently sweet not because I need something from you,". Changbin makes Jisung feel special more than Minho could when he's sweet to him, more than Felix could with the type of attention he gives. Jisung wishes he could be with Changbin instead with the amount of attention he does, the amount of details he puts, but he knows he can't. He doesn't love Changbin the way he loves Felix and the way he admires and wants to keep Minho. To him, the elder was just a mere net while he walks on a tight rope, where in the end line is Felix and the rope is Minho. He was just a safe and secure net where he knows that if he falls, Changbin would be there to pick him up. It is wrong for him to think of that way and he excuses it that it is what friends do, but normal friends wouldn't kiss each other and leave butterflies. Jisung thinks again as he hugged Changbin and sent him off. 

Minho and Changbin are both warm, in a different kind of context. Minho is warm in a sense that the way he shows his passion when Minho and Jisung crosses the boundaries of mere friends, all those kisses, make outs and activities. Changbin is warm in a sense that he makes Jisung feel safe and vulnerable, away from the problems he could think of and away from those stresses he have. If one would ask, Felix is a mix of both but Jisung is too clouded to think of it. 

There are two kinds of meaning of warmth and one would chose the latter. 

-END-