The heavy smell of cigarette smoke wafted through the air as Jeongyeon entered the living room of Sana’s home (or house, for it is not really a home after all); loud booming music made its way to her ears as she winced at the obvious shift of environment. One thing’s for sure: she certainly despises being here.

“Again, Yoo Jeongyeon?” Jihyo told the older girl who is currently busy putting on her shoes at the dead of the night, she doesn’t need to look twice to know what is happening.

Jeongyeon replied with a sigh, “She’s drunk, it’s not like I can leave her there by herself.”

“A state which she clearly chose to be in, stop playing Romeo and save your goddamn self this time.” The other stated gently, though the message she’s trying to impart is clearly not gentle in any way. “We both know how much you dislike crowds and hate cigarettes.”

The taller of the two simply stood, she knows yet here she is all set to go out of her way the moment she received the text.

Jeongyeon gave a weak smile before sighing, “You do know that I know the words you’re scolding me with right?”

“The more reason why it’s frustrating is because you are smart and you do know.” The younger replied, a frown now more visible on her lips. Soon enough, she felt Jeongyeon’s hand softly giving a pat on the crown of her head.

Before Jeongyeon could even speak, Jihyo decided to speak first, “I know, Jeong, you’re gonna apologize again. Please don’t.” she said in assurance, “As much as it’s hard to see why you’re still being a martyr with regards to this topic, I’ll understand you, no matter how hard it gets.”

This time, Jihyo placed a hand on Jeongyeon’s arm, giving it an assuring squeeze, “Do text when you’re in trouble, I won’t hesitate to be there for you.”

With that, Jeongyeon smiled as she turned around to leave their dormitory.

“OH, JEONGYEON IS HERE!” She heard a cheerful voice call out from the middle of the sea of people, the remarked made Jeongyeon look at the owner of the voice only to see the host of the party making her way to the guest.

She gave a weak smile in return, bracing herself as Sana is closing their distance, knowing that the other will smell heavily of alcohol and cigarettes. Scents that Jeongyeon hates. “Hello.” She greeted the host, nevertheless.

Despite being intoxicated, Sana knows what exactly is up every time Jeongyeon is in one of her parties so she wasted no time, “Nayeon is on the couch of the entertainment room, you do know where right?” she asked which she immediately got a nod as a reply.

“Thank you.” Jeongyeon told Sana before nodding her head in acknowledgement, walking through the sea of people that she doesn’t really want to interact with to take the flight of stairs in order to reach the second floor.

As Jeongyeon started to ascend the stairs, she can’t help but feel her feet started bearing weight, making each of her step heavier than the previous one. She has done this countless of times already yet cannot find it in herself to tell her self to just stop because she simply can’t.

Upon reaching the second floor, she is greeted by a group of people lounging on the entertainment side of the floor, a group with mixed boys and girls but one person in particular stood out in Jeongyeon’s eyes.

Of course she will always stand out in Jeongyeon’s eyes.

The said person took off from her position of sitting on the couch and made her way closer to Jeongyeon with a cheeky grin plastered on her lips, “Jeongyeonie~” she cooed and immediately latched herself on the body of the taller girl, making Jeongyeon’s heart beat faster.

A mixture of happiness and searing pain flooded Jeongyeon as she tried to inhale despite the smell of smoke in the air, “Let’s go, Nayeon.” Is all that she managed to tell the older girl.

Nayeon, however, had other plans. She dragged the taller girl to the group she was previously interacting with and started slurring word after words in a giddy manner, telling everyone that Jeongyeon is there to take her home. She grabbed the shot glass filled with vodka on top of the table before downing it in a gulp, earning cheers from everyone who witnessed the sight.

She dragged Jeongyeon in one of Sana’s rooms that were reserved for the Japanese girl’s friends during parties, giggling all the way through the hallway before entering a room. Nayeon pushed Jeongyeon down on a couch, sitting on the lap of the taller girl while guiding Jeongyeon’s hands to wrap around her waist.

“Jeongyeonie~” Nayeon cooed once more but the tone of her voice changed as her eyes started showing signs of needs.

Jeongyeon knows better as she gave a sigh, retreating her hands from Nayeon’s waist as she composes herself even though Nayeon sitting on her lap isn’t really helping, “Nayeon let’s not do this.” She told the older girl.

But Nayeon’s hands are already on Jeongyeon’s cheeks as the other found it extremely difficult not to get weak, her head was tilted up as her eyes meet Nayeon’s once more. She cannot lie, she finds it hard to read what the older’s thoughts are and somehow that knowledge is a relief.

Nayeon’s lips finally made contact with Jeongyeon’s as they closed their eyes, allowing themselves to melt into a heated yet soft kiss, Jeongyeon lowly groaned as she smelled alcohol mixed with a hint of cigarette smoke from the breath of the other. The kiss lingered for a while before Nayeon decided to be bold and nibbled on Jeongyeon’s lower lip, making the other part her lips in order to allow Nayeon’s tongue to linger with hers.

What once was a smell is now a taste when Jeongyeon’s tongue danced against Nayeon’s, tasting the vodka that the older recently took a shot of and the taste of what the smoke smelled like. Finally making Jeongyeon’s mind come back down to earth.

Jeongyeon unlatched her lips from Nayeon, allowing her back to hit the backrest of the couch as she took a deep breath, “I can’t do this.” She murmured just low enough for Nayeon to hear.

Nayeon was still in a trance, from all the alcohol and from the kiss itself, when she heard Jeongyeon’s words. “Jeongyeon.” She called out, this time with a serious tone.

“You have been saying nothing but my name, Nayeon.” Jeongyeon said, almost letting out a dark chuckle, as her sight started to fixate on the uninteresting carpet of the floor.

This made the older girl frown, “I.... I just don’t know what to say.”

Jeongyeon shifted her gaze to look at the girl currently sitting on her lap, “We have talked about this for many times already, Nayeon, you said you’re quitting.”

“I tried, I really really tried.” The older girl started, “It’s just that I can’t find it in me to say no.”

“Are you even really sure that you tried? Are you really even trying?” Jeongyeon said, her words exiting through gritted teeth, “Smoking won’t do you any good, Nayeon, you damn well know that. Nor is partying irresponsibly. Drinking? Smoking cigarettes? Heck you’re even vaping when time permits, and I know you ”

“I have been accustomed to this kind of lifestyle, Jeongyeon, it’s not like it’s that easy to—”

“Save the explanation, Nayeon. I don’t mean anything to you anyways.” The taller girl started, taking the courage to finally pierce her gaze against Nayeon’s soul.

For it is the truth, there they are with Nayeon’s lips on hers a minute ago, her tongue dancing against hers a minute ago, Jeongyeon always looking after everything of Nayeon and yet they do not have any label on this bizarre relationship.  

And perhaps it’s about time Jeongyeon gets tired.

Tired of all the half-assed efforts she’s been receiving in return, tired of being the only person trying to understand what is happening, tired of denying that she’s simply being toyed with.

 Tired of everything.

But at the end of the day, never of Nayeon.

She gently guided the drunken girl off of her lap, knowing that she’ll sober up real soon, placing Nayeon beside her on the couch as she found herself weakening due to Nayeon being sitted on her lap earlier. Jeongyeon needs to find it in herself to be brave even though it’s hurting.

Jeongyeon stood up from the couch and looked at Nayeon, who is now holding back tears, obviously confused at the events that lead up to this moment. “Let’s go, I’ll get you home back to your dorm.” She told the older girl, maintaining her composure nevertheless.

“I—I can’t.” Nayeon told Jeongyeon in a shaky voice, shaking her head to solidify her no.

She couldn’t stop herself from raising an eyebrow, “Is there a problem?”

Nayeon sat there, seemingly cemented on her position as she opened , “I—I just can’t.”

And at that moment, it seemed like Jeongyeon was washed over with cold water as she felt her reality starting to crumble, “Myoui is back,” she asked Nayeon, fully knowing what the answer is yet here she is foolishly waiting for the other to deny her suspicion, “am I right?”

Of course, Myoui Mina is back. The beautiful Japanese-American woman Nayeon can never get over with, the person Nayeon will always get back to in a heartbeat. And even Jeongyeon can’t find it in herself to hate Mina because she knows how goodwilled the person is, how Mina is better than her in almost all aspects.

Perhaps Mina is Nayeon to Jeongyeon.

Except in this equation, Jeongyeon is definitely the losing side.

Nayeon’s silence was more than enough for Jeongyeon as she felt a tear down her cheek, slowly nodding though wanting to deny, she didn’t even try to wipe the tear away especially when she felt more following the first tear.

“Let’s go, I’ll get you back to your dormitory.” She said, her voice visibly shaking as she tried to look through her cloudy vision, turning around to prevent herself from fully breaking down.

She felt Nayeon’s arms wrap around her waist in a tight backhug, the shorter of the two placing her forehead against Jeongyeon’s back as she sobbed, “Jeongyeon, I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Nayeon.”

“No, I know how much I hu–“

“I know I’m just one of your vices.” Jeongyeon cut her off, “And maybe it’s about time you quit.” She said, removing Nayeon’s hold on her before turning around. Despite the pain, Jeongyeon smiled towards Nayeon, giving her a pat on the head as if it’s an assurance.

 “You’re gonna be okay,”

How brave of Jeongyeon to be the one giving out an assurance during these dire times.

“I’ll be here.”

The first time Jeongyeon lied to Nayeon.

“Now, let’s get you home.”

Even though home is not Jeongyeon.

“I’m okay.”

And hopefully the last time Jeongyeon will lie to herself.