Yukhei should have known that bringing Taeil to his graduation party was a big mistake.

It was a usual morning, with something unusual when Yukhei’s cousin, Taeil, arrived at his house. He finally left Canada to pursue his lecturing career in Seoul after spending almost 7 years for education. Nothing ever made Taeil happier than getting a job at his own homeland, especially after years of struggling in foreign country. The first thing Taeil had to do once he set foot in Seoul was actually to visit the college he’d be working in. But he had been too tired with hours of packing in Canada and another hours of flight to Incheon, so he chose to put things off and let Yukhei drove him home.

On their way back home was where his mistake begun. When he invited Taeil to join him and his friends for graduation party at college during the evening. He thought it’d be nice to share his friends with the cousin that he dearly loved. Especially Taeil’s friends were mostly in Canada, so he probably would need more companions during his stay in South Korea. Yukhei simply thought that. Nothing less or more. And when Taeil rejected Yukhei’s invitation because he thought he would be too old for his friends, Yukhei forced him to come. Even begged him. Once again. Yukhei begged him.

“Okay then.” Taeil finally said.

“Okay.” Yukhei beamed a smile of satisfaction.

 

The okay was the start of why he now stands in front of Jungwoo 5 years later.

Yukhei wish he knew how to unokay it. 

“I am nervous.” Jungwoo mutters as he is pacing back and forth. He keeps pulling the edge of his tuxedo everytime he stares at the mirror and would ask Yukhei once in five seconds about how he looks. Jungwoo scrapes the back of his neck, pumps a fist, and even almost pulls his own hair if he is not quick enough to remember that he almost took an hour at dawn to get his hair done.

“I’m so done.” Jungwoo hisses in discomfort.

Yukhei flashes him a smile as another flashes of images spurred his memories.

 

Five years ago—no. He has liked Jungwoo way back before that. The story was started from eight years ago.

Yukhei didn’t really remember when he started to grow a peculiar feeling towards Jungwoo. He didn’t remember when Jungwoo’s presence escalated the rate of his heartbeat nonchalantly. He has been friends with Jungwoo since the first day of college, yet he swore that he only saw Jungwoo as just another boy back then. Another male in the animalia kingdom whose disheveled hair made him look a little bit more attractive than the others. A man who read Hermann Hesse. Worshipped Nietzsche. And listened to 80s British bands.

Maybe it was because of his disheveled hair.

Maybe Hermann Hesse.

Or everytime he spoke Nietzsche. Or the way he sang Duran Duran’s Save a Prayer.

Or maybe, it was simply because he is Kim Jungwoo. Yukhei wish he knew the reasons behind his feelings, so he could figure out how to stop.

Since then, Jungwoo turned to be the apple of his eyes. He gave Yukhei the butterflies in the stomach that he thought would only happen in fiction stories. Yukhei had no idea that somebody’s existence could make his heart fluttered. His steps trembled. And his words hold up in his throat. There were days when his heart ached so much for Jungwoo, and the only thing he could do was to take the image of him to his sleep.

Because only in his dream, Yukhei could ever touch Jungwoo the way he wanted to.

Until five years ago, when the mistake was begun. It was started when Yukhei tapped on Jungwoo’s shoulder and turned the latter around to meet his eyes. Jungwoo smiled, and that was enough to send Yukhei to the space.

“Where are the others?” Yukhei cut himself from flying too high from the smile when he saw Jungwoo hanging by himself at the graduation party. By the others, he meant Jeno, Jaemin, Mark, and Haechan, a.k.a the group of friends that have been hanging together with them since the first year of college.

“Dancing and being dumb.” Jungwoo shrugged his shoulders, unamused. He raised his glass and sipped the rest of his wine in one shot.

“You look pissed.” Yukhei sat himself on the vacant seat next to Jungwoo.

“I do.” he grunted. “Imagine having a roommate who doesn’t want to clean up his dishes and literally all the he does. I ended up doing everything.”

“Well, that explains why you don’t want to join them.”

Jungwoo referred to Haechan. His new roommate with whom Jungwoo seemed to have a hard time adapting with. Jungwoo knew from the start that Haechan was famous with all of those reckless behaviours of his, yet he didn’t have options back then. Haechan was the only saviour with whom he could share the apartment rent fee when all his friends turned their backs on him. Little did Jungwoo knew, there was not a day went by without Yukhei’s regretting that one time when he had to reject Jungwoo’s offer of living together for the sake of Taeil.

“Maybe I would be the one complaining that several weeks from now on.” Taeil suddenly chimed in. He sat beside Yukhei and rested both of his hands on the table, wrapping his beer bottle with both of his hands. It was clear that Taeil eavesdropped their conversation for awhile.

Yukhei rolled his eyes and Jungwoo seemed puzzled at the sudden intervention from a stranger.

“Sorry, do we know each other?” Jungwoo tried to be polite, and Yukhei cut him off with a brief introduction that sounded like a classic cliché. It was Taeil, his cousin who just moved from Canada, and other basic information that a stranger needed to know for first meeting.

“So you are the guy who stole my supposed-to-be-roommate?”

Taeil raised an eye brow. “I…. guess?” Taeil glanced at Yukhei, asking for an assistance to the unfamiliar conversation that suddenly floated. When Yukhei nodded, Taeil finally figured out what Jungwoo was talking about.

“Oh. Well. Believe me. You don’t want to live together with my cousin. He is messy as well.” Taeil snorted.

“Thank God, we don’t live together. Or our friendship would be at cost.” Jungwoo shook Yukhei’s arm with dramatic look to make his speech livelier. That was just Kim Jungwoo, Yukhei thought. He was nice, funny, friendly, down-to-earth, and all the positive adjectives that the dictionary had. Even after all that, Jungwoo still blurted out some colloquial speeches to Taeil in his effort of removing the barrier of awkwardness between them. Afterall, Jungwoo liked to make friends.

As Jungwoo’s and Taeil’s only mutual thread, Yukhei should’ve pulled the role. To bridge their awkwardness. To make them speak to each other. To make them closer. To let them closer. But close can be too close. Because several minutes later, it was not Taeil or Jungwoo, but Yukhei, the one to be left out of the conversation circle. They did not need Yukhei’s assistance to walk them through the conversation anymore. Taeil and Jungwoo turned out have many things in common. They were even able to finish each other’s sentences within a blink of an eye.

“Samantha Barks makes the best rendition of On My Own.”

“No way. Lea Michele is.”

“I can’t believe you are a Glee fan!”

“I’m not. I am just appreciating a talent.”

“Okay. Accepted.”

Soon, their first meeting ended with a promise to attend the play of Dead Dog in the Suitcase together one day.

 

“I never found anyone like Taeil.” Jungwoo said one afternoon, several days after their first encounter.

Yukhei smiled. His eyes were glued to the pages of the books he read. His last to tears, despair, and jealousy. The words laid afterwards had no difference than the one spoken before. I never found anyone like Taeil had been bad enough, could it even be worse? It had sounded like I don’t find you interesting to Yukhei’s ears. And it was more than enough for Yukhei to shut his feelings and be at peace with his own loneliness.

“Do you remember when I wanted to have a beach trip?” Jungwoo put his hand on Yukhei’s open palm. Yukhei gulped, and wished only for Jungwoo to never hear the wild sound of his heartbeat.

“Of course.”

Yukhei would never forget. The day after Marketing class, when Jungwoo had his arm around Yukhei’s waist. Jungwoo was about to pass out due to exhaustion. He represented the college in national level debate competition priorly and got little to no time for sleep during a week of competition. When Jungwoo returned to the college, he didn’t only bring trophy, but also a set of drowsiness and dark rings under his eyes. Yukhei took him to clinic and waited until he was conscious.

When Jungwoo was awoke, he said he had enough of debate competition and ambitious life of a college students. He wanted to have fun. He wanted to have a vacation. On the beach. With his college best fellows. With Yukhei. And Jeno, Mark, Haechan, and Jaemin. His college life had been mostly spent for training, research, and practice for the debate. He wanted to live a normal college life and he decided to retire from the debate club since he got the trophy for nationals already.

Yukhei nodded at the idea. Thinking of being able to escape somewhere with Jungwoo sounded fun. It would be perfect. Seeing his hair being carressed by the wind, maybe his eyes would be closed as the sound of the water ripples entered his ears, and his smile would turn into laugh again and again as the wave keeps hitting on both of them together.

It felt like a dream. Perfect. Beautiful. Solemn.

Yet it never happened. Jungwoo never quitted from the debate club and got even busier after the nationals because he was preparing for the regional and final competition in the States.

“Of course, I remember.” Yukhei repeated himself again.

“Let’s have it before we all get a job and become too busy with that?”

“Sure. Would be perfect.”

“This weekend? I’ll tell the guys in our group chat.”

“Yeah. I’ll be free this weekend.”

“Can you please invite Taeil too? You know, the more the merrier.”

Maybe it wasn’t the more the merrier. It was the mere existence of Taeil who made things merrier for Jungwoo.

Yukhei nodded in silence. Jungwoo beamed an ear-to-ear smile upon Yukhei’s confirmation.

“Perfect. See you this weekend!”

Perfect. It should be perfect for Yukhei too. The sun, the wave, the ripple, the sand, should be the witness of his undivided attention and happiness to Jungwoo. In reality, it was perfect. For Kim Jungwoo and his little plan to get to know Taeil better. To get closer to him. To talk to him. To show him he cares. To debate about which one is better, Led Zeppelin or Queen. To sing the whole Les Miserables songs out of their lungs together. And to.. God knew where that vacation would bring both of them to.

Yukhei was mute during the entire trip. He brought Daron Acemoglu’s Why Nations Fails book and sat down under the hut on the shoreline with a commitment to read the whole book in one go.

Failed. Miserably.

He didn’t even get to read the whole page as the sound of the laugh from Kim Jungwoo tickled his ears, enough to take a peek, and he didn’t like what he saw. Jungwoo and Taeil were holding hands against the wave and laughed. That should be him. Yukhei tried to read things again, but no matter how much he tried, Kim Jungwoo would always be more interesting to look at than the thick boring book he was holding.

“Yukhei!”

He loved the way Jungwoo called his name. And he called his name again and again and again during the entire beach vacation because Jungwoo wanted to share a little fun and bring Yukhei to the wave. But Yukhei’s knees were too weak to stand inbetween them two. He would be too much of a third wheel, the same as what happened during Jungwoo and Taeil’s first conversation. Yukhei kept rejecting, waved his hand to both of them and the other friends as well from afar, watched them playing with the sand and the water and the wind, and felt a glimpse of regret because he kept saying no especially to Jungwoo.

On the way back home, Jungwoo was driving. Taeil was in the front seat. Jaemin and Jeno were in the middle seat. Mark and Yukhei were on the back seat. Everybody was sleeping, tired of their activities on the beach. Everybody was sleeping but Jungwoo and Yukhei. Yukhei stole a glance of Jungwoo’s focused eyes from the convex mirror. When he was caught doing so, Jungwoo gave him a smile through the convex mirror. Yukhei was embarrassed.

“I thought you slept too.” Jungwoo said.

“How could I sleep when Mark took over my whole seat.” Yukhei glanced at Mark who used his lap as the pillow and his legs were squeezed to fit in the backseat.

“Typical Mark.”

“Yeah. Typical Mark.”

Silence floated once again.

The sound of the car’s whirr, the vague noise of the wind outside, the snores of Jeno and Mark, and the random song played in the car radio filled the space. They didn’t make a good harmony, but it was bearable.

 

You are so good
I know that this is gonna hurt
I don't think we should
You know it's never gonna work
There's things that you can't see
You're way too close to me
This ones gonna hurt1

 

“Was it played from your Spotify?”

“Yeah. The entire time. Apparently my phone has the best battery endurance.”

Jungwoo smiled. “Your playlists are depressing, thanks to it I stay awake.”

“Should I be flattered?” Yukhei teased, knowing it was not even close to compliment at all.

“This one is quite good. What song is this?”

“Hurt. Gabrielle Aplin.”

“Who hurt you, Yukhei?”

He knew it was a no brainer question. It was just a joke. Jungwoo just and played a pun with the title of the song. But Yukhei felt a hitch in his breathe. His throat choked up. His breathe got heavier. And before everything turned into a suspicious gesture, Yukhei answered.

“You.”

Jungwoo chuckled. “Okay, sorry.”

He knew that Jungwoo would take the answer as a joke. He never meant to ask the question anyway. But Yukhei didn’t mind. He didn’t feel hurt that he wasn’t being taken seriously. He had always been treated that way. The joker. The dumber. The noise source. The mood maker. If there was anything he had to feel, there was actually a slight relief when he finally could tell Jungwoo the truth. Eventhough Yukhei’s truth doesn’t seem to be Jungwoo’s truth.

“Yukhei..”

Yukhei looked up to meet his eyes in the convex mirror once again. “Yes?”

An uncomfortable silence suddenly grew between them. Jungwoo looked like he swallowed his words. Yukhei frowned.

“I think I like Taeil.” sounded like a whisper, careful enough because he didn’t want the sleeping Taeil to hear his truth. Yukhei kept staring at the eyes on the convex mirror as if he was seeking for a further explanation. Or a further confirmation. Or a further plot twist to end the words such as ‘Nope! I am kidding.’ to convince him that Jungwoo tried to pull a prank on him. There was a pang of sorrow hit his chest when the explanation never came. Only silence followed afterwards. A heavy, awkward silence. When the eyes stared back at him, he looked down to see Mark’s face instead.

He knew it already that Jungwoo liked Taeil. He just had no idea that it would hurt this much to hear the truth directly from Jungwoo’s mouth.

“I know.” Yukhei suddenly said.

“You knew?”

“It was…” Yukhei looked up again to see the eyes in the mirror. “…obvious.”

“Obvious? Damn..” Jungwoo bite his lips in nervous.

“It was only obvious to me because we’ve been friends since forever. But not to him, I guess.” Yukhei assured, returned the smile back to the place where it belonged: Jungwoo’s face.

“I don’t think he likes me back.”

“You haven’t tried.”

Yukhei never tried, and see what it did to him. Pain. Sorrow. Torture.

“If you love someone, you should let them know.”2

It was rich coming from Yukhei, the person who never even let the one he loves to know. Yukhei gulped, thinking about all the years spent admiring Jungwoo. He never wanted to let the truth came out because he was scared. Scared if the confession ruined their friendship. Scared if they two would never be the same persons that they used to be. Scared if his feelings would ruin Jungwoo’s mind and heart because probably Jungwoo would never reciprocate the mutual feelings. Scared even if it works, if it turns to be a relationship, it would probably fail and leave a traumatic scar to both of them.

Yukhei was scared. The feeling got the best of him.

“. Or