#02: Deep into the night

Taehyung has been helplessly staring and he knows. He knows Yugyeom has noticed too, but if there’s anything to be justified, he knows the younger has no right to comment on it when Yugyeom himself has been staring too.

And he supposes that there is nothing that the both of them can really do about the staring because to their own fair argument, they haven’t seen Jeon Jeongguk over decades now. And it’s strange to say the least—strange because they know that Jeongguk shouldn’t be alive yet here he is, looking just exactly like their Jeon Jeongguk. God,their similarities are just so uncanny sometimes.

It’s not like Taehyung had spent time with him to actually analyse these similarities. But he’s heard bits and pieces of Jeongguk's stories from his friends, has observed said male even if it’s only from far and some things just seem too similar to call them mere ‘coincidences’.

Like that second day when he’s sat with Park Jimin in most of their classes.

Taehyung had honestly dreaded being involved with said male once he had calmed down, had even panicked in front of Yugyeom because “Yugyeom-ah! Why the hell did I agree to that?! What makes me think it’s a good idea to do that?! Why didn’t you stop me from doing that?!”

But Yugyeom had only pressed his lips tightly that day, had opted to remain silent the entirety of his panic attack while he rubbed soothing circles on his back and pepper kisses on the crown of his head. He didn’t understand why the younger hadn’t said anything about it, didn’t know the answers to his own questions too, but he was already resolute to retract back what he’d agreed to do with Jimin.

So, when Park Jimin had suddenly plopped down by his side on his second day, Taehyung decided that he was going to give the other the cold shoulder, hoping and praying that said male would understand the painfully obvious meaning. But really, it had been a stupid, futile effort from his side because Park Jimin was honestly a force to be reckoned with.

In a mere hour of one-sided interaction, Taehyung rapidly found his resolve crumbling as he felt his mouth itching to open and just start laughing at Jimin’s ridiculous attempts to make him speak. And so he did just that at the latter’s last attempt when Jimin actually raised his hand up upon being asked by their lecturer if they had any question before he’d dismiss the class.

“I have a question, Sir!”

“Of course, Park Jimin. Ask away.”

“I was just wondering if you know why Kim Taehyung is not talking to me.”

“Oh, um, okay? And, how do you think I can help you with?”

“Maybe you can make him talk to me please?”

“Uh, I'm afraid that depends entirely on Kim Taehyung, Park Jimin-ssi.”

“But he’s not talking to me! And I talk to everyone! It hurts my pride and dignity as the school’s friendliest Mochi! And you know I cry a lot, right? And then you’ll have to see me brooding and crying in the corner of your office everyday because of my damaged pride!” Jimin pouted, actually pouted then. 

“Well, I can’t have a crying boy in my office everyday so, uh,” he turned to Taehyung then, “Will you talk to Jimin if I tell you to?” He said and continued after a while for safety measure. “Please?” 

To be honest, Taehyung had already been trying to hold back his laughter then, ever since Jimin had started going off about Taehyung’s reluctance to talk, but then, their lecturer had actually played along which eventually led to his pleading eyes and desperate voice at Jimin’s indirect threat, and Taehyung just had to release it all. He laughed it all out, god, he hadn’t laughed that hard since years actually. Jimin seemed to be proud and amazed for breaking his goddamn wall and honestly, so did Taehyung. It’s difficult not to like the boy, honestly.

After a while of trying to stop his seemingly endless laughing bouts, Kim Taehyung and Park Jimin seemed to click it off right away. They were absolute perfect match, if only as a best friend. After days of seeing and hanging around him for few days, he had already learned quite a lot about their Jeon Jeongguk.

“Jeonggukkie may seem like all muscly and strong, right? But he’s such a baby! He’s a baby to all of us!”

“Oh, Taetae, you like Persimmon? Gukkie likes them a lot too! He’s almost obsessive about them that I secretly think he’s married to them now.”

“I’m sorry, Tae. I’m skipping class tomorrow. Gukkie is running a fever, and it’s my turn to look after him. He’s such a whiny baby when he’s sick.”

So, yeah, maybe he’s not talking to Jeongguk himself, but he has already learned so much even without that. But these bits and pieces of Jeon Jeongguk are not enough for him to deduce anything, to say that this is the same Jeon Jeongguk. And that is where the staring comes from.

Taehyung stares and observes, because that’s what he is good with, was the core of his previous jobs even – observing and perceiving. But this Jeon Jeongguk, the current one, was an epiphany, he decides.

There are moments when Taehyung feels they are of the same person, like the way Jungkook likes to frown his cute nose when he’s pouting at his friend, or the cute baby noises he likes to make despite always claiming himself as the manliest of men. But there are also moments when Taehyung feels they are of different essence, like when Jeongguk caught Taehyung staring and he frowned so hard as if he was repulsed just at the thought of having the elder looking his way, or even the way Jeongguk seemed to hate his guts whenever Jimin tried bringing Taehyung over their Circle.

It hurts to know that he’s being refused so strongly like that, especially if it’s related to a certain Jeon Jeongguk, but he can understand. Taehyung has been nothing but suspicious since the start of their first meeting— from crying to trying to touch a stranger to actually knowing the other’s name. It is all but understandable, and he understands, or at least he tries to, but it still hurts all the same.

But Jeongguk's rejections, although painful, are actually helping him in a way, if not a lot. Taehyung knows that it’s not exactly healthy to involve himself further with a Jeon Jeongguk. And he is very keen of avoiding him, to save himself from another heartbreak if not to also avoid future complications. So Jeongguk's refusals of letting him blend into their Circle actually helps a lot, because now, Taehyung doesn’t have to make up any other excuses to avoid joining their hangouts.

He just has to say “Jeongguk doesn’t want me there and I don’t want to sour your weekly hangouts, Chim.”And Jimin will just reluctantly nod, maybe with a pout too cute for his own good, but still a nod nonetheless. And this is good— this is all good and everything should just remain this way, forever if possible.

Yet, although forever seems a term Taehyung can associate himself with, it doesn’t exactly work that way when it involves a Jeon Jeongguk.

He’s just talking to Jimin as he waits for Yugyeom’s last class to finish at a table just under a huge tree. Jimin is telling a funny story about his past endeavour when Yoongi appears out of nowhere and sit down at their table. It takes exactly two seconds before Taehyung actually manages to register the guy’s presence and it alarms him.

It should be easy for him to sense things, to sense people because he’s a goddamn Immortal. He has heightened senses, he can smell and see from hundreds meters away, can sense a human’s presence even before they’re there in less than a second, and yet here he is, eyes wide as saucers as he stares right into Yoongi’s frowning pair of eyes as he watches Taehyung’s every moves.

He hasn’t even felt Yoongi’s presence right until he is already there. Are his senses getting duller now?

“Hey,” Yoongi says briefly. And it takes a while before Taehyung actually manages a reply.

“Hi,” he says back, still slightly alarmed but tries to mask it anyway, a smile already curling on his lips.

“I see you’re actually talking and laughing like a normal person with Jimin,” Yoongi continues and Jimin interjects before Taehyung can reply.

“Of course! It’s the Mochi Effect, I told you!” Jimin says, chest puffing out as he crosses his arms over it. Taehyung giggles at his antics while Yoongi just looks more amused than ever before he actually smiles and ruffles Jimin’s hair fondly. Yoongi then turns his attention back to Taehyung, ignores the fond look the latter is sporting as he quietly observes their interactions and just simply continues his comment on something about Taehyung.

“Sorry, it’s just, you seem to be avoiding all of us but you’re okay with Jimin, so I’m just curious.” He says and Taehyung really shouldn’t be surprised that they know he’s been avoiding all of them because he hasn’t exactly been discreet about it either, what with all the ducking and running he’s done as soon as he notices or senses them near.

“It’s definitely the Mochi effect.” Taehyung replies and laughs a little more, relaxes just a slightest bit probably because he’s seen how soft the other can be especially with Jimin around. “I’m sorry if I came off that way. But, uh, I don’t exactly feel comfortable being around Jeongguk's Circle and you know why.” Taehyung explains anyway.

“Jeongguk's circle?” Yoongi snorts as he repeats the words. Jimin honest to god giggles as he tugs on Yoongi’s shirt.

“Taetae has been referring to all of us with that since Day One actually.” He says it like he’s trying to expose Taehyung on it but really, Taehyung has never planned for it to be a secret anyway so.

“Wow, I can’t believe I’ve been reduced from a Min Yoongi to a Jeongguk's Circle. Brilliant.” Taehyung knows Yoongi hasn’t meant for it to sound sarcastic, knows that it’s just a joke and he’s pleasantly surprised that he’s actually relaxed enough to laugh along with the both of them now.

“Oh, don’t you worry. You’ve been upgraded to Jeongguk and Jimin’s Circle now.” Taehung actually teases further, still chuckling as Yoongi rolls his eyes.

“Should I even be flattered?” He adds and laughs even more when Jimin pouts at that.

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?!” Jimin grunts and throws a dried leaf at the other. Yoongi doesn’t even need to avoid the incoming attack because it just falls and sways back down even before it can reach him.

It hasn’t even been a minute long of quiet then, the high from the jokes and the laughter still hanging in the air when Yoongi breaks it and ask something that he hasn’t expected at all. Well, to be honest, he never really expected such a question to be asked of him directly, or to be asked at all but then again, it’s Yoongi, whom he has learned from Jimin that he’s a person of blatant and direct, keeping everything simple and clean, so it’s really no surprise that he’s asking it so directly. But he’s just surprised because not even Jimin has dared to ask him the question before.

“So Taehyung, I’ve been itching to ask you actually.” He starts, only continuing when Taehyung raises an eyebrow and ask back a “what is it?”

“I was wondering what’s really up with you and Jeongguk?” Jimin sputters at his blatant question, jabbing at his waist as if warning him not to say anything more. Taehyung appreciates how sensitive Jimin is towards his feelings. He knows the other has wanted to ask the question himself but has always stopped himself, as if he thinks that the question will hurt Taehyung. Taehyung probably feels mildly surprised at the question but hurt is definitely not one of them. He probably would’ve answered if Jimin had asked before, maybe not everything, but some of them for sure.

“Like I said before, I just mistook him for a friend of mine.” He says, answers it calmly.

“Okay, fine then. So you’re avoiding him now because…?” Yoongi trails off, waiting for him to continue his words. Jimin looks at him too, wants to know the answer to that as well and Taehyung thinks about saying the truth. He wants to tell them that being around Jeongguk hurts because it reminds him so much of his own Jeongguk. He wants to say just that so they can understand and not try to force him into their Circle again but he has barely just started his sentence when a voice interrupts him. A looming voice.

“Because Jeongg—“

“Hyung!” Jeongguk's voice sounds so loud in his ears then and Taehyung can’t help but immediately snaps his head to the direction of his voice, eyes widening a little too big as soon as he sees the other approaching fast. God, why hasn’t he noticed his presence sooner?

“Okay, well,” He hears Yoongi speaks, “that’s supposed to be the introduction before I tell you that Jeongguk is coming over here.” He continues after that and Taehyung snaps back at the other.

“You’re supposed to say that before he’s actually here, Yoongi!” He almost shouts at him, a little bit surprised that Yoongi isn’t offended that a mere stranger is shouting at him like that.

“See, that’s what I’m talking about, Taehyung. Why are you so keen on avoiding him if he’s just someone that looks—“ Yoongi doesn’t get to finish his words when Jeongguk reaches over.

“Hyung, I’ve been looking for you everywhere! You said you’re going to help me with this composition—“ Jeongguk stops abruptly when his eyes land on Taehyung and the latter already feels like shrinking away, maybe fly away out of Jeongguk's sight because Jungkook’s eyes on him burns, burns him so hot although he barely remembers what heat feels like. So of course, he does just that as he stands tersely.

“Hey, uh, sorry,” Taehyung stutters, scrambling for his books and his bag, “um, I’m leaving now anyway, so yeah, do whatever it is you wanna do here, with Yoongi, with Jimin. Because I have something, uh, left behind! Yes, I have something left behind.” Taehyung doesn’t even know what thing he’s left but he still says it anyway, has his thumb pointing back just to prove his point.

And Jimin, Jimin can be an annoying prick sometimes, because he not only does not help Taehyung at all, he actually dares to make things even more difficult than it already is when he asks back.

“Like what, Tae?” He asks and Jimin sounds so, so amused that Taehyung just wants to kick his sometimes. But for now—

“Like Yugyeom! Yeah, I left Yugyeom behind!” Yeah, smart choice.

“But you said you left something behind, Tae, not someone.” Yoongi comments and , okay, maybe not so smart of a choice.

“Uh, I left something with Yugyeom behind! Yeah, that’s it. Gotta go now. Or that, that thing with Yugyeom is going to rot away.” Taehyung wants to pat his own back for surviving the Jimin and Yoongi is putting him through. He’s already slowly padding his way out of his seat then, already going to bid his goodbye when he hears Jeongguk says,

“Just stay.” Taehyung bites on his lips, hurt.

“Of course, you don’t actually have to tell me to leave, Jung— wait, what?”

“I don’t mind if you stay, Taehyung. Just don’t bother Yoongi and me while we’re working on this. You don’t seem to have any good excuse to leave anyway.” Jeongguk elaborates further and wow, that is just so unexpected. Jungkook who seems to despise even at his mere presence is telling him that he can stay?

“What—“

“Not even a child would believe such a lame lie, Kim Taehyung.” Taehyung frowns a little then, is about to counter something equally childish when he hears Jeongguk adds soon after,

“Stay.” He says, and odd enough, Taehyung does stay despite all the protests his mind are assaulting him with.

And he stays a lot longer than he should, stares a lot more than he’s allowed to, and feels a lot more than he wants to when he listens to Jeongguk's hum.

He is just humming a song he’s composing, not even singing it yet, but the humming reminds him of his singing voice, of the voice that he used to listen to. And he remembers how his singing voice always follows him deep into the night and brings colour to his dull morning. And he misses this a lot, misses his voice so much, and just misses those nights when Jeongguk would sing him to sleep every time he was leaving for his job. Oh, how he really misses him, wants to listen to his voice every day and night, and want to wake up to a sleepy Jungkook in his bed.

He doesn’t even realise when tears are already grazing his cheeks again.

“Tae? What’s wrong?” Jimin’s voice pulls Taehyung back from his own sad reverie. He turns to look at said male and see the concerned frown adorning his face. Taehyung frowns back, shaking his head.

“I’m fine, why are you asking?” He replies, oblivious to the hard stares he’s receiving from all of them.

“You’re crying, Tae.” Jimin says as if it’s just a matter of fact and the words startle him, his hand immediately reaching up only to feel his fingers wet with cold droplets.

“I—I didn’t realise. I’m sorr—“ He doesn’t get to finish his sentence when Jeongguk interrupts suddenly, unexpectedly.

“Why are you always crying whenever I see you?” Taehyung turns to say something back, wants to give another lame excuse like “it’s just the dust got into my eyes”, but Jeongguk is staring hard at him and he can’t help but drown in the lake of those indecipherable eyes.

“I—It wasn’t because of—“ Taehyung really doesn’t know what to say, no thoughts forming in his head but he’s saying something and Jeongguk is waiting for him to finish whatever it is that his mind is going to say. But there’s nothing. He wants to tell him not to worry, that he’s not crying because of him, but Taehyung hasn’t cried for decades, so the only reason why he does it now that he can think of is just a Jeon Jeongguk. But Jeongguk doesn’t need to know that, Taehyung shouldn’t be burdening him with his own misery, so why can’t he say just exactly that?

Why can’t he just say, “it’s not your fault. It’s me, it’s me, and it’s always me. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect.”

And maybe Taehyung is thinking too hard again, just staring and frowning too hard as he thinks and thinks and thinks that he doesn’t even notice when Jeongguk is already piling his books and papers into his knapsack, a hard frown marring his striking look.

“You know what, never mind. You don’t have to say anything,” he says after awhile, avoiding Taehyung’s frantic eyes. “Hyung, can we continue this tomorrow?” He looks at Yoongi then, “I just don’t feel very good now. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He tells him as he slings his knapsack over his shoulder and rushes to leave. And Taehyung has to scramble himself up as he tries to stop Jeongguk from leaving, leaving him again, but this Jeon Jeongguk has no reason to wait, has no reason to stay and gosh, it hurts it hurts it hurts.

Yoongi just stands up as well, looking and smiling softly at both Taehyung and Jimin.

“Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him.” He says before leaving as well, following Jeongguk's steps and disappearing behind the sea of people that are coming out of the school’s building.

“Tae,” he hears Jimin calls instead of seeing it, because he’s still looking at the empty spot that used to sit a Jeon Jeongguk. His chest aches and tightens harshly, deep longing obvious in the way his eyes are flickering shades of pale blue, and then there’s a harsh whisper— coarse, abysmal whisper that echoes deep within his head to “just make him yours”.

“Make him yours, Taehyung.”

“Just make him yours again.”

“Tae?” He hears Jimin call again and he sounds so frantic now, frightened even and it snaps Taehyung out of his frenzied mind. He has to blink his eyes hard as he feels that terrible voice melding off, back into its rightful slot, back into the deep corner of his mind.

“Jimin,” he finally says back, breathing harshly, shallowly, as if he’s trying to control something, and he knows what it is, but Jimin doesn’t. He doesn’t know and he shouldn’t know as well.

“Your – your eyes, I thought I saw—“ Jimin looks back into his eyes and blink again. “No, nevermind. Probably just a trick of the sun.” He presses his lips together, dismissing the idea and Taehyung has never felt so relieved.

“Are you okay?” Jimin asks after a while but Taehyung doesn’t even need to answer when he feels arms wrapping around him tenderly. And he knows he’s safe for now.

“Yugyeomie,” he calls, knows who it is even without seeing him, almost immediately feeling safe and secure in those cold, strong arms of his. He sees the way Jimin’s face falters slightly at Yugyeom’s appearance, but ignores him anyway. He just wants to run away for now, wants to forget all these pains and find his old self back. His guarded self back. He needs to protect himself, before he loses sight of what he used to be, not for another time.

“Hey, Tae. Missed you.” Yugyeom tells him and Taehyung hums back, melting into the soft kisses on his temple.

“Missed you too, Gyeom.” He says back and Yugyeom probably notices the tension in the air, the way his body still stiffens in his arms and that is probably the reason Yugyeom immediately says what he says.

“Shall we go now?” He asks not so discreetly and Taehyung eagerly nods.

“Spicy rice cakes?” He asks, hopeful and Yugyeom smiles, relenting.

“Spicy rice cakes.” He agrees and Taehyung almost lets out a squeak as he quickly picks up his stuffs.

“We’re going first, Chim. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Taehyung says, sees the way Jimin hesitantly nods his head.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow, Tae.” He replies anyway and waves a hand.

Taehyung quietly waves back at said male, takes Yugyeom’s hand into his and walk away. Yugyeom tries to talk to him then and he does reply when he can, when he remembers to reply but his mind is too occupied, keeps thinking back about what just happened. And his mind just can’t stop going back to that voice.

That voice.

“Just make him yours again.”

His mind repeats those words again and again and he understands now, knows that the voice is back and he doesn’t know if he can keep his promise anymore. He doesn’t know if he can still wait for five more days.

“Tae, you should talk to him.”

“And by him, who do you mean exactly?”

“You know who I’m talking about.” Taehyung sighed.

“I’m not going to, Gyeom. And I don’t want to.”

“But you’re torturing yourself, Tae.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. Tae, it’s been days now.” He heard Yugyeom commented. And he knew what he meant then but Taehyung couldn’t help it. Because it’s Jeon Jeongguk and Taehyung just couldn’t do it with that name being the only one occupying his head.

“Yugyeom, I’m so—“

“No, stop. I know what you’re going to say but that’s not what I want to hear,” He heard him swallow dryly and continued,“ I know why we’re doing this, Tae. But you’re not doing it and it’s eating you up. It’s been days.” He’d emphasised the last few words. And Taehyung perfectly understood what he’d meant to say but he couldn’t. There was so much going on, conflicted emotions taking over and he just— it’s ing Jeon Jeongguk and he was just suddenly lost, hadn’t known what to do with that new, impossible fact.

“I can’t, Yugyeom. You know why I can’t do it.” 

“But Tae, you’ll starve. You’re starving.”

“I can starve for a lot longer. I’m fine.”

“I know you can, Tae. I’ve ing seen you done it but it’s not healthy.” Yugyeom was almost begging at that point.

“But I can’t do it with you when he—when he’s—“ When he’s so near, he had wanted to say, had choked the words down his throat, had briefly seen the hurt fleeting over the younger’s look and god, did he feel so bad and guilty for causing that. But Yugyeom didn’t say anything, didn’t touch on the obvious hurt and instead, he’d gone back to Taehyung. It’s always Taehyung first.

“Five days, hyung. ing five days, and we’re doing it even if I have to freaking force you.” Taehyung exhaled deeply and peeks at the inside of his left arm, seeing another half of the star disappearing.

Yeah, five days should be enough for him to sort things out, right?

Right, he doesn’t even know what it is that needed sorting out, and if there is, can he even fix it? Taehyung really wishes he knows.

Only three blue stars left.