She hated everything

She hated the world

She hated the situation

She hated herself.

It is one of those days.

One of those days where she hates being herself, hates that she is the one stuck in the middle of a raging maelstrom, stuck in the situation where everything depends on her.

“Babe? You okay?” Jeongyeon snaps her out of her thoughts. She has been staring at her melted blueberry ice cream for a little more than 3 minutes which got the attention of her girlfriend. “You spaced out on me. Anything wrong?” a hint of worry laces in her words.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry. Just a little tired. It was a busy day at the office and then there’s the deadlines and stuff. I am just feeling a little overwhelmed,” she casually replies as she resumes eating her treat, the sweetness of the cream and the touch of sourness in a spoonful.

Full schedule

Her studies

Her upcoming birthday

Her family

She stills yet again. The same thoughts swirling inside her head. She is overwhelmed but she can’t let Jeongyeon be worried knowing all too well how her girlfriend will react. She’s super caring that way, willing to risk things, sacrificing her time just so she can be there for her. It’s no wonder they ended up together after Nayeon willed herself to confess on one of their early moments as work acquaintances. Jeongyeon loves her dearly and Nayeon loves her back. At times, she questions herself what did she even do to deserve such appreciation, such affection from one Yoo Jeongyeon.

She fakes a smile, showing her bunny teeth that for sure is gonna get an eye roll and a chuckle from the girl in front of her, an indication that she has nothing to worry about.

Not yet at least.

-

She gets home, tired. The date with Jeongyeon is great, as always and will be, but there’s a stronger force that makes her want to lie down on her bed and do nothing. The closed glass windows give a dull, orange glow in her room. The room is warm but Nayeon does not feel it. She takes off her cardigan, and her shoes before sitting down on her bed.

No one is around, all of her roommates are out. Jihyo has been busy studying for a mock court she’ll have in school and won’t be back until 10 or 11 in the evening, depends on her classmates if they decide to get some drinks. Momo is still at work and probably won’t be back until after her date with Mina. And Chaeyoung’s out somewhere, observing the sunset as she draws one again in her sketchbook.

Nayeon feels her bed, the softness of her pillows, the crumples of the sheets. She is at home, she is comfortable yet there is something that is not easing her at all.

You don’t deserve this

You don’t deserve her

You’re not worth it

Why are you even here?

It’s back

She feels her chest cave in, like an eternal void deep within her that is attempting to consume every fiber of her being. Every breath she takes, she feels a piece of her chip away and it is slowly making its way to her whole body. Her limbs are limp, and she knows that she should be hurting right at this moment. She has been waiting for the pain to set in.

She feels something trickle down her cheek instead. It’s warm, and it made her vision fuzzy. She’s crying and she did not even realize it. No one hurt her but it feels like the universe did and she is powerless against it.

-

She wakes up to her room all dark. Her door is closed, except for a slight opening that made a slit of light seep inside the room. Outside seems busie with the familiar sounds of pans being taken out and the scent of freshly cooked rice.

Somebody’s home

Nayeon takes off her office attire and changes into something more comfortable. She glances at her phone only to find its battery empty so she plugs it to the charger before heading out to meet whoever was there outside.

“Hey unnie. You hungry?” Jihyo greets her. Nayeon was probably out for at least 4 hours to see Jihyo in the apartment already. She looks at the clock on the wall. It is already past 8 in the evening and Jihyo is already here.

“Oh, if you are wondering, we got our classes cut off early since we started earlier than the usual. Apparently our professor has some place he has to go to at around 9 so he sent us out immediately after class,” Jihyo goes on before putting two plates on the table, one for her and one for Nayeon.

The older girl nods and mutters a ‘thank you’ before sitting down. Her eyes feel a little heavy from crying, fortunately, Jihyo does not notice it. They proceed to eat some fried chicken and kimchi that Jihyo got before she went home. She is hungry, after all the case digests she had to read since before her class.

“Say, how was your date with Jeongyeon-unnie? I miss her,” Nayeon smiles as she remembers her girlfriend, chomping down on another chicken leg.

“It was great. We had some ice cream after watching Spiderman. You know, the usual things we do,” Nayeon replies.

“Unnie,” was all Jihyo mutters before she puts her hand on Nayeon’s. “Is there something wrong? Jeongyeon is worried about you. She said you seemed a little off so she called me after you separated ways.” her hand, the top of Nayeon’s hand.

Everything is wrong

I am wrong

I don’t deserve this

She pushes the thoughts inside her before looking up to Jihyo. A cheeky smile is plastered on her face, a forced one. “Yeah! I’m fine. It’s just one of the busiest days that I’ve had in weeks. I was on two consecutive meetings earlier so I kinda felt drained after. Don’t worry about it,” as she places her other hand on Jihyo’s, a gesture of assurance.

Jihyo smiles again, her radiant and cheerful smile that tells Nayeon that she’s there for her, whatever happens. “That’s good to know. But maybe you should also message your girlfriend. You know how Jeongyeon is.”

She smiles unintentionally at this. The thought of Jeongyeon always makes her smile. This spurs Nayeon to her feet as she remembers that she hasn’t texted Jeongyeon that she got home, or that she was gonna sleep (though the sleeping part wasn’t really planned at all). She opens her phone and sees that there are a lot of unanswered messages and missed calls, mostly from her girlfriend.

God I love her.

She opens one of her texts before promptly replying to Jeongyeon. It isn’t a surprise that Jeongyeon replies as fast as she got Nayeon’s message. Nayeon assured Jeongyone that there really is nothing to be worried about and apologizes for not informing her that she’s already home and for not replying, to which Jeongyeon constantly replies with ‘no worries’ ‘ i understand’ ‘i love you’. She feels warm even Jeongyeon was far from her but she could feel the other’s love.

After her initial text conversation with Jeongyeon, Nayeon went back down to help Jihyo with the dishes. Soon after, Chaeyoung is also back with Momo following her a few minutes later. Nayeon resigns in her room as she surfs her Facebook and Twitter timelines. Eventually, this wore her out again before she decides to doze off

-

“Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?” Momo inquires.

They are the only ones left in the apartment. It is a Saturday and Nayeon decides to take the day off. Momo, on the other hand, decides the same thing and is currently engaged in the latest episode of New Girl.

“Maybe. I slept like a log,” Nayeon grunts before flopping down on the couch next to Momo.

“Ahh, I see. But are you okay? You seemed.. Off since last week,” Momo pauses as she looks at Nayeon for answers. The other girl does not give a reply, instead, focuses her eyes on the episode on show.

Momo knows something is up. They have been friends for seven years and not one moment has she seen Nayeon be like this, even act like this. She pauses her binge watching and faces Nayeon who has since gotten more interested in the intrinsicity of the floor. She does not utter a single word but she knows Momo is there, and Momo, being her closest friend, somehow knows.

“Heard you’ve been avoiding Dahyun and Tzuyu at work. Sana was also worried since you didn't reply to any of the calls she gave you. Did they do something to upset you? Anyone of them?” Nayeon shakes her head in disagreement. Momo drops everything and inches closer to Nayeon, still giving the other girl enough personal space. Nayeon looks up at Momo, a smile adorning her face.

Momo knows she’s faking it.

Momo knows Nayeon when she’s hurt

Momo knows her friend.

Momo silently looks at Nayeon as the other girl understands the situation she’s in.

No escaping Momo

She knows me too well

The smile slowly diminishes from Nayeon’s face as her lips began to quiver. A silent sob is heard in the room. Momo let’s her. She holds Nayeon’s hand to comfort her as she cries. All the things she’s feeling, the intense pressure at work, the deadlines she has to meet, the standards she has to maintain, all have been built up and is now flowing into her tears.

She stills her breath before looking up to Momo obviously worried. She wipes her eyes before accepting Momo’s hug. It was normal for them to do this after all.

Nayeon does not tell Momo anything and Momo lets her be for now. Nayeon goes to her room to lie on her bed. She faced the wall before curling up in a fetal position as sleepiness takes her in again.

-

Nayeon wakes up not long after with another person pressed up on her back. The faint smell of perfume is familiar to her.

Too familiar

She turns around to see her girlfriend comfortably spooning her, awake, eyes full of worry. Jeongyeon smiles at her and proceeds to give Nayeon a small kiss on her cheek. Nayeon blushes at this gesture before she fully faces her.

“Hey, Yoo.”

“Hey future Yoo,” Jeongyeon jokes as she pulls Nayeon closer to her, their bodies flush against each other. It is late in the afternoon but both does not seem to mind the lack of space in between them. “Feeling better?” she asks. Nayeon nods, her eyes a little swell from crying earlier.

“Momo called me after what happened and I hurried here,” Jeongyeon starts, her hand soothing the back of Nayeon’s as she waits for any response.

“I’m sorry, Jeongie..” she speaks, voice low, almost like a whisper but Jeongyeon hears it and listens intently. “I’m sorry I got you worried.” Jeongyeon hushes her and pulls her in for a hug and Nayeon immediately melts into it. She does her best to not to cry again but she fails and is on the brink of another breakdown when Jeongyeon gives her a kiss on her head, her hair being gently massaged.

“Shhh, shhh.. Let it out babe. I’m here, you know I’m always here for you,”

Nayeon finally breaks and she sniffles against Jeongyeon’s chest, her tears wetting the shirt she was wearing, her chest rising up and down for every breath and sniffle she has. Jeongyeon doesn’t let go and instead, continues easing the pain that Nayeon has, whispering words of comfort.

-

A few minutes after, Nayeon has stopped crying and is now nursing some tea that Jeongyeon concocted for her. She is already feeling better after crying twice in one day (she mentally notes this self record she has set).

Jeongyeon deserves to know

“I haven’t been feeling okay at all..” Nayeon begins. Jeongyeon, who was engrossed in her phone stops scrolling and puts down  the phone to listen to the girl beside her. “I have had a lot of thoughts that does not seem to go away.. Like they’re all over my head. It’s frustrating to even fight off, and my brain seems unable to work against it,” she pauses as she feels the mug on her hand.

“There’s something inside me telling that I don’t deserve all of this. The work, the success, the opportunity, my friends, even you. It tells me that I am not worthy of it all, worse, even worthy of being here with you and I’m having trouble facing it. I try to fight it on my own, but that’s where I am always left, internally struggling as the world around me goes on and on.”

Jeongyeon holds her hand, gently massaging them as Nayeon continues. “And it has been like that for weeks. The only relief that I can do is to cry it out as after I do, I get exhausted and then sleeps. The next thing I know, the cycle begins again, and again for another day. Nobody knows, not even you obviously because I don’t want you to worry. But I feel that you, of all people should know so there.”

Jeongyeon sat there in silence as she take it all in. The gears in her head click in place as every piece of Nayeon’s words slotted the questions in her mind. She nods in understanding before she stands up and pulls Nayeon in one of the tightest hugs she has ever given anybody.

“Thank you, Nayeon. Thank you for trusting me, for letting me know you even more,” she whispers against Nayeon’s ear. They hug a little longer before Jeongyeon leans her head away to look at Nayeon, admiring the beauty in front of her, how this person may come of as a strong, confident woman but is actually insecure about a lot of things. How she is imperfectly perfect for Jeongyeon, how much she loves her. “I love you. Always remember that and I will always be here for you.”

“I know. I love you too and thank you. Always. I’m here for you too, okay?” Nayeon smiles and gives Jeongyeon a kiss on the tip of her nose.

They stand in the middle of the room as Jeongyeon leans forward, capturing Nayeon’s lips. The taste of the tea and remains of the other girl’s tears evident in but it does not bother Jeongyeon.

Nayeon smiles at this. Feels most of these thoughts backing away to the deeper parts of her mind. She can do it. She has Jeongyeon and her friends to do it.

For now, they kiss all her worries away.