I sipped my coffee while looking at the street through the window.

     I was feeling depressed, and not only that, I also had insecure and jelousy thoughts running through my mind, I didn't enjoy them, and it certainly didn't help to get rid of my anger.

     I didn't even know why I was feeling that way, I just was.

     I didn't want to think like that about him, or them, for the matter, but I just couldn't help myself.

 

 

     Ever since last week I started to have this horrible dreams, nightmares, of Taemin with other girls; mostly, the other girls were female idols -I'd rather not say any names-. In those nightmares I would see Taemin dancing, hugging, kissing and even cuddling with one of the girls. I could do nothing but stay there, standing next to them. I couldn't speak nor move. It was almost like I wasn't there, and I wasn't really, I was just seeing the scene, seeing the dream.

     The most perturbing thing -as if it wasn't perturbing enough-, I believe, was that in every dream, Taemin would say lovely things to the girl, while looking at me. Mocking me with his smirk, as if saying, "Are you having fun?".

     The dreams would always end the same way, though. Taemin would stop looking at me and face the girl, then he would say "I love you" and I would wake up drenched in sweat.

 

 

     I got up, left the empty cup on the sink and went to find something to do.

     Beign alone in a big apartment isn't precisely fun, but I was trying to avoid Taemin, so going out wasn't the best option either.

     Why was I trying to avoid him? Well, it's something really easy to answer. The dreams felt so real that I was afraid that, if I saw him, the images of him with another girl would come to my mind.

 

     So, that's what I did the entire day, I sat in front of the window, and questioned my existence.

     I wondered, why was I accepted in SM Entertainment, or most specifically, in F(x).

     I don't have awsome dancing skills nor am I flexible, like Victoria unnie; I'm not good at rapping, I can barely say hello in english and I would look horrible in a tomboy style, I have nothing next to Amber unnie; I don't have an amazing singing voice, I cannot hit high notes and my low notes are pretty awkward, Luna unnie can do all of that even if she has a cold; I'm not superbly beautiful nor do I have ice skating skills or a famous sister who loves me; like Krystal...

     My conclusion was that I'm just in F(x) because Soo Man wanted the group to be a five-member band.

     I mean, for what other reason would I always get the worst treat?

     As if the dance steps aren't hard enough, they give me the most uncomfortable clothes.

     As if the songs aren't cheesy enough, they make me sing with that disgusting, cutesy voice.

     As if beign a band member isn't hard enough, they make me feel insecure and angry and I end up discharging all my rage in my co-members, even when I know it's not fair for them.

 

     Of course, after having all those resentful, insecure thoughts, I would have the "But I am good" and "I can do it" thoughts.

     I'm not awsome at dancing, but I am good; I'm not good at rapping, but I can rap; I don't have an amazing singing voice, but according to people my voice is nice or cute, or whatever they said... I may not have a famous sister that loves me, but I have two sibilings that love me no matter what name I go by, not to mention the friends I have in other bands, like, for example, Tiffany, who is like a sister to me.

     That SM gives me the most uncomfortable clothes proves that, no matter what I'm dealing with, I can still get through it and finish the performance.

     That SM makes me sing with that goddamn cute voice and I accept it, proves that I'm able to achieve a goal, even if I don't like it, for the sake of our careers.

     That I discharge my anger in my co-member proves... Well, that proves that I'm also a human, I make mistakes, I do things that I regret, I act out of impulse. But the most important part of that is that, whenever I say mean things to them, I always apologize afterwards, because I know that they're going throught he same; I know they have the same problems that I have, the same insecure feelings, the same resentful thoughts; we are going through this together as a band, as friends and, most importantly, as a family, because that's what we've become, a family.

 

     Taemin, though, is another story, a complete different story. I still don't know how we managed to date without the media finding out... It would always be beyond us. There had been rumour of us dating, but that was before we even started to fancy each other.

     Us dating wasn't a secret only to the media. The people in SM Entertainment couldn't find out, either, for there was an explicit rule that said that we were not allowed to get involed emotionally, in any kind of way, with a person from the same company.

     We knew, we were risking our careers by dating, but we were kids, not only that, kids in... love? I'm not sure if I should call it that...

     Though, it had to remain as a secret, I was sure that Onew knew... After all, Taemin would always tell everything and anything to him, what would make our secret any different?

     I knew that Onew knew, and, yet, I wasn't worried, I knew that Onew would take all the secrets he's ever been told to the grave, so, again, what would make our secret any different?

 

     At that moment, while I was pondering about life and it's complications, Taemin was recording a variety show. He would say some funny lines and then go back to the dorm, or that's what he had told me, at least...

 

     I decided to continue the book I was reading, it wasn't a great book, but it was good enough to take the insecure thoughts away from my mind.

 

     Before I realized it, an hour had already passed and Taemin was supposed to arrive. But he didn't.

 

     I'm just joking, he did arrive. He would always come back. That's one of the reasons why I loved him. Whenever I was feeling unsteady, he would always come and make me feel good. He would always comfort me. He would always be there for me and, even though I wasn't the best girlfriend, he was, indeed, the best boyfriend.

     Being with Taemin was joyful. He was tender and sweet, as well as caring and polite. He made me feel like a lady, he made me feel like a princess.