The night is cold.

He's wearing a coat, a mask, a scarf, a beanie but the night is still cold as he walks.

He walks but he doesn't know where he is headed, and he likes that.

He feels alive.

He knows he shouldn't be out at this time- he doesn't even know what time it is exactly and he couldn't be bothered to check. But he was home and as he looked at the white snow blanketing the city he felt the urge to go out there and look at the world, at nature. Or at the very least to explore his neighborhood.

So now he walks and he wonders if any minute now his phone will ring and Taehee or the head of security will call and scold him. As if he were a child. As if he were a prisoner. He looks at his feet and he can almost picture an imaginary ankle monitor alerting everyone he has left his house.

But the call doesn't come and he keeps walking, the sound of scrunched snow under his feet giving him a weird sense of satisfaction. It's as if each step has a meaning and suddenly he wants to walk for miles.

He walks past apartment buildings, houses and he briefly wonders what the lives of those people are like.

He looks down and sees there are a lot of footsteps on the sidewalks and he tries to walk where there are none, so he can leave his own mark. As he keeps walking he sees fewer and fewer footsteps and he feels good for a few seconds but then he looks behind him and he thinks his footsteps look lonely.

He shakes off the thought and keeps walking.

Now he is walking along what seems to be a huge property, and he wonders if that person's money seems like a burden sometimes too.

He walks and walks and then suddenly stops dead in his tracks when he sees lights. Christmas lights. On a tree. A leafless tree, the Christmas lights covering its ness and making what would otherwise be an unremarkable tree one he might never forget.

It's small, barely reaching his waist and the lights are white, unblinking, shining brightly.

The night is cold and quiet and calm and here, in the midst of it all, against the dark, are shining lights. It's the most beautiful thing he has seen in a while.

He stares at the lights and he feels… something. Peace? Reverence?

It's futile to try to name it. Feelings, ah feelings are complicated.

And then, he hears people.

People singing. People singing one song, different songs, their songs. He hears fanchants and it's all in his head but it's beautiful.

This, music, he understands.

He closes his eyes and here in the cold, alone, at God knows what time of the night, he smiles. He smiles the most sincere smile he has smiled in a while.

He keeps his eyes closed and as he takes a deep breath he sees his face. It's always him.

He instantly feels the need to hear his voice. So he calls him.

“Hello?” Seungri's voice is hoarse and suddenly the night is not that cold anymore.

“Seungri-ah, where are you?”

“Hyung” He says it softly, lazily, stretching out the word and Jiyong smiles, because he knows Seungri is smiling as well.

“I'm home hyung, do you-” he can't hear the rest clearly  “-time it is? 4am”

“Sorry”  he sort of means it

Seungri chuckles.

“Ah it's okay, I guess one of your middle of the night phone calls was long overdue”

Jiyong smiles sadly.

“So what it is hyung?”

Jiyong sighs.

“Nothing much. I just saw something that reminded me of you” he speaks quietly, and he likes the way his voice sounds in the dark.

“And what would that be?”

“Light. Beautiful light” Jiyong says, his eyes fixed on the tree ”Wait a sec”

He takes a picture of the tree and starts heading back in the direction he came from. He walks a few steps but then stops, turns back and bows, to whoever the owner of the house is, because he is thankful.

“Are you okay hyung?” Seungri asks quietly, seriously

He doesn't want to lie. Not to Seungri.

“I don't know”

“Hyung-”

“Are you happy Seungri?”

Seungri hesitates.

“I'm sorry” Jiyong says and he is  “I tell myself I shouldn't bother others with these thoughts but- but I need to get them out and somehow I always think of you, it’s always you I want to talk to. I'm sorry”

“Hyung don't feel sorry. Really, I like that you talk to me. Don't feel sorry.”

“Okay” he says but it's a lie

“Although if you could have these thoughts during the day that would be better”

Jiyong chuckles and then a honk sounds in the distance.

“Hyung where are you?”

“I'm..” he looks around but he doesn't recognize anything and he knows it's not just because it's dark. He doesn't usually walk the streets alone. “I don't know”

“What do you mean you don't know?”

Silence.

“Hyung, are you drunk?”

Jiyong laughs at that, if only!

“Hyung seriously where are you?”

“I decided to take a walk in the neighbourhood”

He stops walking when he reaches a spot where he can see Seoul and its twinkling lights. He looks at it for a few seconds and then he crouches down, and he feels the need to get some words out, to get some things sorted out in his head.

“I'm not happy… But I'm not sad either, it's just that” - he trails off because he does not know how to explain it.

It's as if he knows something great, something even greater is going to happen in his life and he can't wait for it.

As hard as he tries to enjoy the now, he knows deep in his bones he hasn't lived his best moments yet. He is not sure how he knows, but maybe...maybe he's caught glimpses of it, every time all 5 of them are together, every time a concert begins and he sees the shining lights in the crowd, every time he's gotten to see happiness in a fan's face and he knows they somehow contributed to it…

“I know, I understand” Seungri says and no other words could have brought him more comfort.

They don't say anything for a while and only their breaths can be heard through the phone.

Yes, Jiyong has seen glimpses, things that make him feel like the best is yet to come, like that morning when he found one of his drawings from 2009 detailing his hopes for the future; he's seen glimpses sometimes in dreams, good dreams, forbidden dreams he tries to forget-

“Hyung, I had a dream about you” Seungri says as if he's remembering just now and Jiyong's unfocused eyes focus again and he realizes he's written something on the snow

Seungri

“What did you dream maknae?” As he waits for the answer he writes something on the snow again. His name, next to his maknae's.

Jiyong Seungri

He feels a weird sense of satisfaction, even if another part of him feels silly. And yet he rarely gets moments to himself, and this, writing their names on the snow, without anyone ever knowing about it, without anyone ever seeing it...it makes him feel giddy.

“What did you dream?” He asks again

He keeps writing on the snow because the longer he stares at it the less complete it feels.

Daesung Jiyong Seungri Youngbae Seunghyun

BIGBANG

VIP

Now it's perfect.

“I might tell you another day hyung, I kind of want to keep it to myself for a while” Seungri's voice is deep, hoarse, from sleep or something else, Jiyong doesn't know but he's now thinking of other things that can make a man's voice go that deep.

Hmmmmm.

He cools his face with his freezing hand.

He wishes Seungri were there and they were both cold and the only way to warm up was to stick close together, skin to skin-

He gets up and ruffles his own hair in frustration.

“I'll make sure to remind you” and his voice has gone low too “go back to sleep maknae, good night ”

“No, wait! I- we can talk more if you want, until you get home”

Jiyong smiles and his hand slips from his hair to his chest. Right above his heart.

“Okay, tell me about the dream then”

But he doesn't and they talk about a new drama they have both started watching instead. And then Seungri starts... stretching? He starts stretching in bed- at least that's what Jiyong thinks he's doing- but Seungri's grunts and moans make him picture something else the maknae could be doing…

Jiyong stops walking and he lets the fantasy play out in his head and just like that, in less than 10 seconds he starts breathing heavily. He shivers.

“I'm going to hang up now” he says

“What, why?”  Seungri asks, laughing and Jiyong is certain Seungri knows what he's doing

“Bye”

“Hyuuung wait” more laughter

“What?”

He hears Seungri take a deep breath

“Oppa!! Oppa saranghae! Saranghae oppa!”

Jiyong laughs, quietly and he covers his eyes with the back of his hand

“Ahh you really had to ruin such a good talk” he says in mock annoyance but he's smiling widely

“Oppa!”

“Gross”

“Oppaaa” Seungri's laugh makes him forget the cold and he feels warm all over.

“Good night maknae-ah, keep dreaming of me”

“Yes hyung”

He's still smiling and he's still warm as he gets under his covers back at his place.

~

He doesn't know if it's a dream or not but he feels a warm body next to his a while later and the smell tells him it's Seungri.

He smiles and burrows closer, seeking his warmth and he finds a patch of uncovered skin in the dark and he places a small kiss there.

“What are you doing here?” He murmurs against his skin, half asleep, his eyes still closed.

“I came to babysit you, can't have a wandering dragon who might get lost”

“I'm not a baby”

“Okay then, I'm your bodyguard”

Hmmmmm Jiyong likes the sound of that.

“So you're going to guard my body?”

Seungri laughs quietly.

“You're cute when you're sleepy hyung, but don't be getting any ideas, now sleep”

“Wait, you didn't tell me about your dream”

“Good night hyung”

He sighs contently.

“Good night maknae”

But then he burrows even closer and finds Seungri's ear.

"Oppa, I love you too" he whispers

The night is warm and he's happy.