Chanyeol flickeres his eyelids open to a barely lit room, the drapes are pulled blocking any daylight. He doesn’t even want to wake up, his nightmares never seem to leave their presence even after he is wide awake. 

 

Stealing a glance at the alarm clock Chanyeol reaches out to turn off the annoyingly loud buzzer. Harshly rubbing at his eyes with bruised palms, he winces. He doesn’t even remember how he got the bruises not that it matter nothing really does.

 

Rolling off the bed, he stumbles to the small bathroom in the corner. The coldness of the peeled off vinyl flooring stings his feet, the enamel has chipped in the sink, opening the faucet he splashes water on his face to get rid of the sleepiness, he twists the base of the tap once more to stop the leaking water but it doesn’t work.

 

Sighing Chanyeol watches his reflection on the tarnished mirror sparkling from the slight morning light. His sullen face stares back at him, his cheekbones more prominent, his hair probably needs t as it almost touches his once bright eyes which look lifeless now.

 

Freshening up he slips in a pair of jeans and a worn out tshirt. He opens his fridge in a vain attempt knowing he has no milk. Chanyeol is  running late anyway he has no time to dwell on the idea of a healthy breakfast so he ends up eating cocoa puffs and washing them down with some stale orange juice. His almost empty kitchen begs him for a trip to the supermarket but right now he needs to leave for his job.

 

If arranging and stacking books in shelves in a dingy bookstore counts as a steady job then well that’s what he does for a living. Chanyeol doesn’t exactly hate the place, they never have much customers anyway the money is just enough for him to get by.

 

“Chanyeol you need to smile, the customers won’t buy books in a store if the seller looks so disinterested...it gives off a wrong vibe you know” the bookshop owner, his boss speaks up from the cash counter.

 

“Sure” Chanyeol mutters under his breath.

 

It’s not the first time he is told to look happy, as if being chipper is really going to sell the badly written romance books Chanyeol thinks. So he puts on his best fake smile, it’s more tiring than carrying around the heavy book cart along the store but he needs the job.

 

He wanted to be a writer and now he works in a book store - the irony.

 

He waits till Jongdae comes for his shift, he is one of those guys who are born to work in retail. He has a cheeky smile and a warm presence both of which Chanyeol lacks. He doesn’t even know why the owner had hired him in the first place? Handing over the work to Jongdae he leaves.

 

This is one of the reason he likes his workplace it is close to his apartment, Chanyeol trudges along the pavement at a sedate pace lighting up a cigarette with his zippo lighter. Taking a few long, slow draws he slowly blows the smoke out his mouth and nose. He doesn’t exactly enjoy the after taste, but the nicotine rush is a small high, a light headed pleasant hazy feeling that he likes.

 

...

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Chanyeol’s fingers halt on the door knob, taking off his ear phones he turns around to see a guy maybe around his age, his windswept copper brown locks matted on his forehead, he looks even pale than himself. He has soft features, probably people would call him pretty. 

 

Chanyeol stares at the boy questioningly. He hadn’t even noticed anyone when he reached his door. 

 

“This door..it won’t open” the guy says impatiently pointing at the key hole, holding a key in his fingers. 

 

“Oh well you need to twist it in a certain angle, otherwise it won’t unlock. Chanyeol is used to it by now. He didn’t exactly expect anything better from this rundown apartment. 

 

“I have been trying it doesn’t work” the guy stares at him, his eyebrows furrowed. He stretches the key forward to him. 

 

Chanyeol reluctantly grabs the key from the others hand and walks towards the door which is quite similar to his, scratched and dented with chipped brown varnish. But it is dusty and unused. The apartment hasn’t been rented since Chanyeol has started living in the building.  

 

He inserts the key giving it a quick jiggle, he twists it half way, the door unlocks with a click.  

 

“Ohh thank you” the guy speaks sounding relieved. 

 

Chanyeol drops the key in his palm nodding. 

 

“I just moved in” the guy says while opening the door, which makes a groaning sound. With the door now wide open, Chanyeol sees the dust particles reflecting the now sinking sun rays like pixie dust over the window.  

 

“Well I should get back” Chanyeol takes a step backward towards his own apartment, the air is starting to smell musty. 

 

“Don’t be surprised if I knock on your door soon if I can’t open mine” the guy wipes his dusty hands on his ripped jeans.  

 

His lips are curved into a small smile, Chanyeol imitates a similar smile giving a slight nod he turns around. 

 

“I am Baekhyun”  

 

“Chanyeol” saying he shuts the door without sparing another glance. 

    
                                     *

 

True to Baekhyun’s words, there is a knock on Chanyeol’s door. He is sitting infront of the old tv watching a rerun of some drama he has never watched before, He didn't laugh when he was supposed to or feel any sympathy when the characters appeared sad. But at least the sound and the moving pictures help him keep his mind off things.  

 

Opening the door, he finds Baekhyun smiling while holding his key in front of him as if to make it clear who is to blame for his intrusion. 

 

Without a word Chanyeol takes the key and walks to Baekhyun’s apartment. As he bends down to unlock the door, he feels warm breath ghosting over the exposed skin of his neck, he turns his head a little to the side to see the other leaning on him, his chest slightly pressed against Chanyeol’s back, his body stiffens at the sudden contact. 

 

“Sorry, I just wanted to see how you do it so I won’t have to bother you the next time” Baekhyun says quickly moving away from him. 

 

“It Just takes bit of a practice” Chanyeol demonstrates the technique wondering if he has ever been this patient with any of the customers in the bookstore. 

 

This time, at least the flat does not give off the musty smell when opened, probably because the floor and the window pane looks clean. But there are no furniture except for a couch and small table in the living room. 

 

“Do you wanna come in...I might not be good with locks but I know how to make coffee” Baekhyun says cocking his head to the side, smiling. 

 

Chanyeol hesitates for a few seconds. Socialising isn’t his thing. He thinks about the television running in his apartment, the cold half eaten ramyun on his coffee table. 

 

“Sure...let me just lock my door” 

 

Chanyeol looks at the couch, the once bright tan colour has been faded, the designed leather is worn past the point of distress and now decorated with small tears and cigarette burns. But he feels a weird sense of comfort and he lets himself fall on the seat with a satisfactory thump.  

 

“Make yourself comfortably il go and make the coffee” saying Baekhyun disappeared to the small kitchen. 

 

Chanyeol hears the simmering of the water and quiet humming of Baekhyun. He can’t recognise the tune but it sounds nice. 

 

When was the last time he visited someone’s house? Even if anyone would invite him he'd definitely make some excuse to avoid it...small talks are just painful in his opinion. 

 

Baekhyun puts down two ceramic mugs on the table in front of them. 

 

He sits down beside Chanyeol. 

 

“Hey do you mind if I smoke?” Baekhyun asks already pulling out a pack of cigarette from his jeans pocket.

 

“No no..not at all” Chanyeol shrugs. 

 

Baekhyun bent down and fished out an ashtray from under the table. 

 

“Here” Chanyeol offers his lighter to light up Baekhyun’s cigarette. 

 

Baekhyun leans over hands covering the stick from both sides and waits for him to ignite...Chanyeol lights it up in one flick and watches intently Baekhyun inhaling the smoke deeply then letting it out of his mouth in several rings which swirls up and disappears in the air. 

 

“You want one?” Baekhyun looks at him with his droopy eyes. 

 

“No I am good” Chanyeol dosent smoke a lot...he has thought of quitting so many times but old habits die hard and he is too weak. 

 

“So what do you do ?” Baekhyun reached for the coffee mug, Chanyeol notices the small  tattoos on the joints of his fingers. 

 

“I work at a bookstore” 

 

“Must be nice...sitting and reading books all day?" Baekhyun sips the steaming coffee, Making Chanyeol wonder if it burns his tongue or not but the other doesn't seem to show any discomfort. 

 

“Not really...all I do is sort books according to the genres and stack them in the shelves...it’s actually quite mundane....do you like reading ?” 

 

“I don’t remember ever holding one in my hand since high school” Baekhyun chuckles shaking his head.

 

They fall into silence, until Baekhyun fills it up with some random talk, Chanyeol just nods and answers when Baekhyun enquires about something never prying into his personal life much to Chanyeol’s relief. 

 

He even finds himself smiling, something he hasn’t done in awhile and not just the empty fake smile which never reaches his eyes not that anyone even notices, but he lets his lips curve into a genuine one maybe because Baekhyun doesn’t let his gaze linger on Chanyeol long enough for him to feel uncomfortable and insecure or short enough for him to feel like he is invisible. 

 

It’s just about right. 

 

He leaves the apartment after sometime with a taste of bitter coffee and tiny bit of warmth.

 

                                     *

 

Chanyeol hears a knock on his door when he is about to chop onions, after eating instant noodles for days he decides it is time to cook, it gives him something to do. Keeping the knife on the counter wiping his hands on an old kitchen duster he walks to open the door. 

 

He isn’t surprised that it’s Baekhyun because who else will come. 

 

Chanyeol steps forward sticking his palm out for the key knowing that the other probably couldn’t open his door as usual, but Baekhyun shakes his head, “No no I know how to unlock the door now” his lips curving into a smile showing his perfect teeth.

 

“Ohh...then what is it?” Chanyeol looks at him surprised. 

 

“I brought this” he lifts up a packet infront of Chanyeol’s face, from the transparent material he can it’s cans of beer. 

 

“I wanted to thank for you know helping me...I hope you drink right?” Baekhyun asks cocking his eyebrow biting his lips. 

 

“Yah I do” Chanyeol instantly thinks about the many empty bottles lying under his kitchen counter gathering dust. 

 

“Great, can we drink now?” Baekhyun says with a hopeful expression. 

 

“Sure, come in” Chanyeol mumbles without even thinking. He moves away so Baekhyun can enter. 

 

Its been so long that anyone has even visited his place he tries to recall the least bit of etiquette that he is supposed to show someone. 

 

“You can sit...I am making dinner...would you like to eat?” He blurts out unintelligibly. 

 

Baekhyun nods his head with a boyish grin on his face and sits on the chair, Chanyeol’s eyes dart towards the couch and he regrets leaving his pillow and blanket bunched up on it. 

 

He always ends up sleeping on the couch these days he feels too lazy to go back to his bed.

 

But he knows the real reason the thought of sleeping in his bedroom scares him, his loneliness surround him all at once, it’s almost suffocating. The blurring colours and the sound of the tv lulls him into a slumber making him feel a little less alone. 

 

He picks up the bedding with an apologetic smile and throws the pile inside his bedroom quickly, as if afraid that the monster hiding under his bed will come out and pull him back to the dark places.

 

It doesn’t require much time for him to cook, it’s just kimchi and rice. 

 

“Here” Chanyeol places the bowls on the table, removing the cluttered remanents of cigarette butts, half eaten chocolate wrappers, unpaid bills on the floor carelessly. 

 

“You didn’t have to do this though” Chanyeol says awkwardly pointing at the beer cans resting on the floor finding the sudden need to make a conversation. 

 

Baekhyun pauses a few seconds to chew the food in his mouth before he speaks, he lifts up his hand, “No I wanted to thank you really...also I felt like drinking, thought you make a fine company” 

 

Chanyeol wonders if Baekhyun is just being polite because if he is given a choice he probably wouldn't pick himself to be around with, no one will. 

 

The brunette gives him a small smile before he takes another too big spoonful of rice that he can’t fit in his mouth, ends up choking on it, Chanyeol offers him water quickly, on impulse he pats Baekhyun’s back to calm him down. 

 

“I am so stupid” Baekhyun says laughing. 

 

Chanyeol dosent know why but it has got something to do with Baekhyun’s infectious laugh that makes him smile unguarded. 

 

“Do you cook often”? Baekhyun asks as he taps the spoon on the now empty bowl making a clinking sound.

 

“I don’t actually, guess you’d understand from the taste” Chanyeol chuckles

 

“No it’s good, I like it” Baekhyun replies softly looking at him, his eyes sparkling even under  the cheap lights of his living room. 

 

They drink mostly in silence, but it’s not awkward Chanyeol finds himself to feel comfortable in the silence.

 

Slowly the drunkenness engulfs him, his mind drifting in and out, it’s not enough for him to have a hangover but his head feels dizzy, Chanyeol doesn’t know when but he finds Baekhyun sitting beside him on the couch. Though his vision wavered he is sure of one thing that tonight he isn’t lonely.

 

There is someone beside him, he can feel the warmth radiating off Baekhyun’s body. 

 

Chanyeol watches the deep flames coming out of Baekhyun’s slightly parted pink lips, he realises how out of place the guy looks in his bright red hoodie, a size too big on him as if a small kid  trying to play dress up in an adult clothes. His brown locks messy, face too bright and too beautiful to fit in Chanyeol’s empty colourless apartment. 

 

Baekhyun leans forward coming too close to him and before Chanyeol can move or maybe he doesn’t want to move away, for once he anticipates the closeness, he feels a light press of soft wet lips on his own then he inhales the smoke filling his mouth deeply, taking in the familiar bitterness and the unfamiliar yet comforting taste of Baekhyun along with it. 

 

“Do you like it?” Baekhyun’s voice slurs a little, thin lips curving into a smile. 

 

“Yah I have never done something like this before...” Chanyeol murmurs his lips. 

 

“It’s called a shotgun kiss, it’s done with weed but for now” he winks at him, the cigarette between his slim fingers drops ashes on the floor, as he shakes it before putting it between his teeth. 

 

“For now” Chanyeol repeats it to himself in a whisper, so there will be more, there is hopefulness in those words. 

 

Hope

 

Chanyeol has always told himself that he is fine but he knows how much he craves for a bit of touch, a bit of affection. The hope brings in all the emotions that scares him because they are all in bursts of multicolours that taste too sweet and feel too soft. 

 

                                      *

 

Baekhyun looks at him with slight surprise, his half lidded eyes move around Chanyeol’s face, his corner of his mouth twitch a little. 

 

Chanyeol dosent waste anymore time, scared that he might change his mind and cower away. 

 

He takes a step closer his trembling hands grab Baekhyun’s waist and he backs him away until his body is touching the grey wall of his apartment, without a second thought he closes his eyes and leans forward, pressing his lips on Baekhyun’s, it is slow and sloppy, Chanyeol let's his tongue slip into the other’s parted mouth, he hasn’t kissed someone in a long time and he feels inexperienced. 

 

Chanyeol waits for Baekhyun to pull away, curse him, or shove him but he dosen’t. Instead he kisses him back pulling on the thin material of his shirt reeling him in closer. There are no fireworks like in the movie or shows, Chanyeol feels like he is walking on air. As if a weight has lifted off his shoulder. The way his lips connects with Baekhyun, his heartbeat hard against his, Chanyeol relishes the moment. Baekhyun tastes like nicotine and hope.

 

They don’t move, Chanyeol hesitatingly lets his fingers to touch Baekhyun’s face. His skin is as soft as it looks, white and smooth as porcelain. 

 

Both still a bit out breath, Baekhyun speaks huskily, “I didn’t...think you would kiss me”

 

“I wasn’t thinking at all” Chanyeol gives a nervous laugh. 

 

“Good...just next time don’t use so much tongue” a lazy smile appears on Baekhyun’s face as he rests his head on the gritty wall. 

 

Chanyeol’s hand still on the others waist moves awkwardly up to his shoulder rubbing along the material of Baekhyun's sleepwear. Chanyeol dosen’t know where to place it. He has kissed him within a haze something he  felt in the moment. 

 

Letting out a soft chuckle Baekhyun removes Chanyeol’s hands from his own shoulder and puts it on his hips. 

 

Baekhyun stares at him unblinking and then he title his head, Chanyeol closes his eyes instinctively waiting for a kiss  instead he feels warm breath ghosting his neck.

 

Baekhyun places his palm on Chanyeol’s chest and pushes him away slightly eyes still locked with him. Chanyeol takes a step back. 

 

“It’s 1:45 get some sleep” Baekhyun says hands running through his copper hair, making it more mussed than it already is. 

 

“Did..did I wake you up?” Chanyeol asks as he takes in the sight of the other as if he is seeing Baekhyun for the first time. 

 

“No I was awake, but next time you decide to suddenly come into my apartment don’t be so late” there is a mischievous glint in his eyes that Chanyeol can’t help but take it as an invitation. 

 

He nods and walks back to his own place, suddenly his rooms don’t seem so empty anymore.

 

                                      *

 

"NO" An ominous flash of light and the blood curling scream startles Chanyeol out of his abysmal nightmare, he sits up on the bed, his cheeks wet and his body bathed in a cold sweat. The sheets are twisted around his limbs,  His heart keeps pounding against his chest. 

 

He looks around the room it is entirely dark. He realises he ended up sleeping in his bed last night. Chanyeol feels scared to even close his eyes, as if the remnants of the memory  still clinging behind his eyelids will haunt him again. 

 

Trembling he climbs out of his bed. He doesn't know how or why but he finds himself knocking on Baekhyun's door with his shaky fingers. 

 

The door opens to a sleepy looking Baekhyun rubbing his eyes, "Have you checked the time--" 

 

Chanyeol dosent let him finish but he throws his arms around the shorter breaking into a sob. Baekhyun stumbles back a little with the sudden weight on him, but he holds him tightly. 

 

"I am sorry....I am sorry" Chanyeol murmurs repeatedly his face pressed against Baekhyun's shoulder, unceasing tears drenching the other's shirt. 

 

They both slump down on the couch, Baekhyun dosent let go of Chanyeol, he his hair and hums the same tune that he heard the first day he visited his apartment. 

 

This is the first time he slowly drifts back to sleep without a worry letting himself relax in Baekhyun's touch, like a protective shelter that takes away all the horrors that he has been trying to fight and failing. 

 

                                       *

 

The next morning Chanyeol wakes up dazed, squinting his eyes to adjust to the unfamiliar light. Baekhyun’s soft hair poking under his jaw, he arches his head and his lips curve into a slight smile, they both are lying down on the sofa, a mess of tangled limbs. Baekhyun’s thin arms are draped across his chest loosely. 

 

Chanyeol slowly removes his hand, gently so he doesn’t wake him up. He stares at Baekhyun’s sleeping face, the lemony glow of the sunlight beaming through the window making him look soft and younger. 

 

Chanyeol wants to reach out and touch him, he wants to be sure that this isn’t his imagination because the idea of him waking up to someone feels so surreal. 

 

He leans down and presses a tender kiss on Baekhyun’s hair which smell like apple. 

 

The brunette stirs a little mumbling something incoherent. 

 

“I have to go to work...” his lips Chanyeol gulps, “for last night...thank you” words tumble out of his dry mouth unevenly. 

 

“Umm il see..you” Baekhyun blurts out groggily before turning to the other side facing the backrest. 

 

Chanyeol stands up, his knees wobble from bending his long legs to accommodate in the couch. His neck hurts too, but none of the discomfort bother him, knowing that he will see him again...he has something to look forward to. 

 

                                         *

 

Seeing the familiar figure getting drenched in rain standing in front of the building he rushes across the slippery road.  

 

He lifted his umbrella higher to cover both of them pulling Baekhyun closer to his body, to which the other looked at him with an amused expression, hair plastered to his forehead the cold icy rain piercing his pale and wet skin 

 

Baekhyun wraps his fingers’s around Chanyeol’s hand which are gripping the handle of the umbrella tightly, Chanyeol loosens his hold at the touch of the other, his hand fell slack.

 

Baekhyun closes the umbrella in a snap dropping it on the ground below. 

 

“Enjoy the moment” Baekhyun says before turning his face back to the sight of the rain falling relentlessly on the empty street. 

 

Chanyeol tilts his fingers upwards and watches the remnants of the drops run downwards like tiny rivers on his skin. 

 

He has forgotten to enjoy the little moments in life, everything has been a routine to him, he has been surviving but right now when his fingers are intertwined with Baekhyun’s he feels like he is finally learning how to live. 

 

“This...this is beautiful” Chanyeol whispers just loud enough for Baekhyun to hear. 

 

“I know” Baekhyun nods closing his eyes letting each splashes caress his face. 

 

You are beautiful 

 

Chanyeol doesn’t say but he stares at him, the serenity on Baekhyun’s expression drive him crazy, he has never felt like this before. He pulls  Baekhyun into a kiss. The water running down their faces to where the lips meet. Baekhyun pushes his lips in more firmly causing Chanyeol’s head to swim. He doesn’t care about the rain soaking through his clothes, making his jeans weigh heavier. All he knows that time has stopped in its axis feeling like they are the only two people who exist rest of the world dosent matter. 

 

Chanyeol dosent how they manage to get back to his own apartment, Baekhyun’s fingers clutching clumps of his now inky hair, his own hand cupping the other’s face. Their steps unsteady as their knees grow weaker and heart beating quicker every second. 

 

They both slump down on Chanyeol’s mattress, the bed creaks with the weight. 

 

Chanyeol kisses Baekhyun tasting the rain drops until his lips turn red and raw, his lungs demanding air. 

 

Baekhyun presses kisses along his jawline, down to his neck, and collarbone, tugging at his cardigan Baekhyun draws it up just enough to slide his hands underneath it. The contact of cold fingertips on Chanyeol’s skin stung yet it sent shivers down his spine and burst of height straight to his core. 

 

“Take your clothes off” Baekhyun’s voice hoarse on the shell of his ear. 

 

Chanyeol does as he is told, like his mind has stopped functioning on its own, he pulls his cardigan off his head throwing it somewhere on the floor. It has been so long since he’d felt anything like it. He s his jeans and pulls it along his boxer down letting it pool around his feet, he steps out of it and walks toward Baekhyun who is watching him with an unwavered gaze. The ness doesn’t make him feel uncomfortable it feels natural. 

 

“Why are you still dressed?” Chanyeol asks as runs the pad of his thumb on Baekhyun’s cheek. 

 

“Waiting for you” Baekhyun bites his lips tilting his head to a side, 

 

The words make Chanyeol smile, he reaches out and helps Baekhyun out of his clothes. He closes his hands around his waist, Baekhyun’s skin is soft to the touch. Chanyeol tightens his hands, pulling him closer as his mouth moves beneath the other’s , nibbling. A small sound escapes Baekhyun’s mouth and it’s like delicious torment. 

 

The need to touch, be touched, to take and give, is all consuming. 

 

                                       *

 

Chanyeol stares at the photo in his hand, the edges are frayed and the colour yellowed. This was a souvenir of one of the best days of his life and now it is nothing but a reminder of a blackhole of loss that keeps growing more powerful. 

 

He touches the happy faces with his fingers gently, too gently scared he might wipe off the smiles even if it’s just in the picture. 

 

There are days when he tries to forget, and let go of the past, but then some days he just want those memories to take over him, like being tucked under a thick blanket covering him from head to toe with not even a small opening left for him to breathe. 

 

A part of him wants to go and knock on Baekhyun’s door and fall into his arms, begging for some comforting words that there is still hope for him, that he is still worth it. 

 

But somehow his body doesn’t seem to be able to move like his legs are stuck in quicksand pulling him into the nothingness. 

 

Chanyeol fumbles through the contents of the table, he is out of cigarettes, the empty soju bottle falls on the ground. His finger touches the small bottle, he finally finds what he has been looking for. 

 

Unscrewing the cap with his shaky fingers he he shakes the bottle lightly, two tiny white tablets drop on his palm. 

 

For tonight he needs this, the sleeping pills are like a sweet escape. Tomorrow he will be going back to being an unforgiving spectre and watch his life haunting him all over again. 

 

Swallowing the pills he waits for his mind to drift into unconsciousness. He gazes at the window reflecting the bright neon orange lights of the store signs. Being the only source of light in his otherwise dark room, his eyes are  used to the darkness. 

 

Slowly the colours blur like a painting being washed away by rain, his focus diminish as his eyelids feel heavier with each passing second. He will have to face the reality again but for now he retreats to the blackness. 

 

                                          *

 

Chanyeol can hear faint sounds, a knocking on his door, his name being called out, a face staring back at him with worry, those pink lips, mess of brown hair and sparkling eyes that would crinkle with every smile...even in his distorted vision he still looks beautiful.

 

He wanted to reach out and touch those creasing lines of his forehead to let him know he is fine but his body feels too heavy, like the pull of gravity has intensified ten times. He knows that this is him dreaming and for once it doesn’t scare him he wants to keep sleeping. 

 

...

 

“What where you doing?” Baekhyun asks as soon as he swings the door open. 

 

His voice is too loud, or maybe it is still the headiness that refuses to leave Chanyeol even after he woke up. The tiniest of noise are like a hammer banging inside his cranium. 

 

“I was..sleeping” Chanyeol his chapped lips, his voice is hoarse like a nail scratching on a brick wall. 

 

“I knocked on your door many times” Baekhyun snaps eyebrow furrows. 

 

“Can you speak a little..softer” he lifts his palm up, his fingers are trembling slightly. 

 

“Are you okay?” Baekhyun’s eyes boring in him, it is the similar concerned expression that Chanyeol has seen in his dream. 

 

I am fine these three words were enough, no one likes a person who the happiness out of others because they are too sad inside so he has told himself to never let others know how he feels, he is used to hiding his pent up emotions inside expect for his pillow that muffles his screams and his empty flat that has a front row seat to his many break downs. 

 

“No..no I am not” he shakes his head repeatedly whispering, tears springing from his eyes he doesn’t care. An arm wraps around and him and thats all he remembers before everything goes dark. 

 

....

 

Chanyeol wakes up to see Baekhyun sitting on the other end of the couch, he head lolled on the back rest, eyes closed. 

 

His eyes fall on the tattoos on his fingers sprawled across his stomach. They are symbols he doesn’t understand. He wonders what they mean? Probably something that Baekhyun wants to remind himself for the rest of his life. 

 

“Stop staring” 

 

Hearing his voice Chanyeol looks up at Baekhyun staring at him, chewing on his lips. 

 

“I..I wasn’t staring” Chanyeol replies tearing his gaze away embarrassed. 

 

“I like that..” Baekhyun leans forward to touch his cheek “the colour looks good on you” he whisperes breathily, he is close, so close Chanyeol can see the tiniest of imperfections on his face which makes him even more beautiful..more real. 

 

“What colour” he asks entranced. 

 

“When you blush” Baekhyun chuckles moving back, resting his head on the cushion. 

 

He didn’t know if has ever blushed before probably there was never a reason to. 

 

“You look like though” the brunette mutteres blinking, even though his voice sounds casual there is that worried look in his eyes. 

 

“I feel like ” Chanyeol smiles, he nudges the other’s thigh with his toes playfully making Baekhyun giggle. 

 

Chanyeol gets up from his seat and straddles him holding his waist, Baekhyun squirms under him bursting into a laugh. A weird sense of relief washes over him, he feels happy. 

 

“You know you can talk to me...if you want” Baekhyun says after sometime, looking right into his eyes as if searching for an answer. 

 

“I know..I know” Chanyeol mumbles and bends down to kiss those lips that he can’t stop craving. 

 

Because those lips tastes like love. 

 

                                        *

 

The bedroom that was devoid of colour and full of despair, now it is warmth and happiness that he feels under the duvet tangled up in sheets hearing the soft melodious hum of Baekhyun’s breathing, Chanyeol rolls to his side and presses a wet kiss on his shoulder blade, traces his fingers along the bare skin on his back down to his hip bones. 

 

Baekhyun lifts his head from the pillow to look at him, he is laying on his stomach. 

 

“You are really annoying you know that right?” He grumbled yet his body shiveres when Chanyeol’s hands touches his inner thighs. 

 

“I was getting bored” Chanyeol shrugs, as he moves closer to the other. 

 

“So you obviously decided to ruin my sleep”  Baekhyun rolls his eye but his fingers find  Chanyeol’s hair twirling through it. 

 

He pulls the brunette towards himself, so he could see his face. Baekhyun is small and somehow fits right into him. 

 

“I love you” Chanyeol murmures cupping Baekhyun’s cheeks, looking right into his eyes. He isn’t expecting an answer in return he just wants Baekhyun to know that he loves him. That he finally has someone to say these words to. 

 

Baekhyun’s eyelashes flutter shut and his lips tremble a little. He slowly buries his face in Chanyeol’s chest sinking onto his side. Chanyeol can feel water dripping down his skin, Baekhyun sobs under his hold. He tightenes his grip on him instantly, Chanyeol feels like a butterfly yearning for the cocoon, he wanted Baekhyun to feel safe, and wants himself to be able to feel safe too. 

 

                                       * 

 

Under the moonlights the avenue lay still. The sidewalk still wet from the rain. They both leans on to the old dampened wall. Baekhyun’s hair flutters along with the mild breeze as the smoke from his lips curl into the air. 

 

They watches the few commuters walking down,chatting. 

 

A pair of headlights come bouncing over the street blinding them temporarily before passing and disappearing. Chanyeol immediately grabs Baekhyun’s wrist, his body jarres as if he has been hit right into his face. 

 

Chanyeol knows no physical blow will ever amount the pain that is etched with the memory. 

 

“What?” Baekhyun demands, there is an urgency in his voice. 

 

Chanyeol tries to speak but somehow his mouth failes to form words. He wants to tell Baekhyun, he can’t hide or run or fight them, those memories are indeed his and always come back to haunt him. 

 

“I fought with my parents that night...I was so angry” he speaks in a hushed tone, he doesn’t  know if Baekhyun can hear his voice or not. He just needs to say it. 

 

“Writers starve to death that’s what my fathers told me, I was always the disappointment to them...I ran away from the house my parents burdened me with their judgements....what I didn’t know is my brother who followed me...he was always someone who took care of me....” his breath hitches, swallowing a lump he pauses for a few seconds to get his thoughts together. 

 

Baekhyun is quiet, he doesn’t pull away his hand from Chanyeol’s grip. 

 

“The car...the car hit him...all I saw was a light and there was a scream” he still hears that scream in his nightmares it tears through him like a shard of glass. 

 

“And he was gone, just like that...I couldn’t do anything but stand there like I was frozen” Chanyeol feels his fist clenching into his knuckles and nails digging in his palm of his other hand. 

 

“My parents said they wish it was me and not him....they never spoke to me again...and..i..sometimes can’t help but think that they are right” his voice cracked sounding hoarse, Chanyeol could taste his own salty tears in his tongue. 

 

“I feel so useless, like am living a life I am not supposed to live...like I don’t deserve” 

 

Chanyeol isn’t sure what he is saying all his words, thoughts are jumbing up in his mouth. His heart feels like it is being yanked out of his chest. He sinks down on the dirty ground not caring if anyone sees him. 

 

There are hands that hold him rocking him slowly. The pain came in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses to breath before hurling back into the outstretched arms of his grief. “I am there..I am there for you” Baekhyun’s small voice echoes into his ears repeatedly.

 

That’s all he needs to hear before he collapsed into the oblivion of unconsciousness. 

                                         *

He slumps down in front of Baekhyun’s apartment door, waiting for him. He is gone for 2 days when he realises that he barely knows anything about him, that Baekhyun never spoke about himself. He doesn’t know how to contact him. There is a needy desperation that seeps through him. 

 

He jolts up hearing his name being called. 

 

“Chanyeol” Baekhyun’s face hovers over him

 

It takes Chanyeol minutes to comprehend that this isn’t his brain’s illusion that Baekhyun is actually standing in front of him in person. 

 

Baekhyun’s hands are gripping on his shoulder, too tight and it is hurting him a little but he is too scared that they would be gone forever if he lets them go. 

 

“Baekhyun?” His voice drips hesitation and doubt. 

 

“Why are you sitting outside? You are so cold” 

 

“You came back” Chanyeol replies in a desolate tone. 

 

“Of course, I had to sort things out...” Baekhyun’s looks away for a second and his eyes were back on him, moving around his face. 

 

“Why did you come back?” Chanyeol doesn’t  know why but he wonders if he is worth coming back for. 

 

“I would never leave you” the brunette’s voice is shaky, his face ashen like he has gone paler in two days. 

 

Chanyeol stands up from the ground his hands are folded around Baekhyun’s back, pulling him in closer. “Don’t go, don’t leave” he pleads not caring if he sounds clingy.  Chanyeol doesn’t want him to become a forgotten dream, a past memory he wants Baekhyun to be real. 

 

He lets his clammy hands touch Baekhyun’s face, Baekhyun encircles his arms around his neck kissing him, it is sweet, gentle, and it tastes like a promise. Baekhyun’s face is painted with a smile when he pulls away, his gaze fixes on Chanyeol’s eyes “I love you” 

 

Love  

 

....

 

Chanyeol had somehow settled in for the nothingness, he was okay being left alone because he thought he deserved it. The painful memories were like bruises that would never go away, it hurt every time they were touched. 

 

He wondered if people like him were worth saving ? 

 

But Baekhyun came along and his monochrome life became a disoriented chaos of colours. Every time his nightmares would wake him up, there were kind words, a warm hold that lull him back to sleep. The bottle of sleeping pills were long forgotten somewhere in the cabinet.  

 

For Chanyeol being in love didn’t feel like the grand romance that was portrayed in the vapid dramas it was the feeling of weakness and vulnerability that he couldn’t tell to anyone else.  

 

Holding on to someone when he thought everything was lost.  

 

Baekhyun felt like soft rain after years of drought. 

 

He was his something when all he felt was nothing.  

 

Being in love didn’t fix him like a broken toy, but it gave him hope that maybe someday he could forgive himself and move on. 

 

                                         *