I’m in love with you, why are these words so hard

I keep hesitating to say over and over again
Why is it so hard just to write a simple letter
I keep writing and tearing it over and over again

You may not feel the same way as I do
I may never see you again, that’s what I’m afraid of

The snow fell around us, surrounding the world in a white mist as you stood in front of me, cheeks adorably red from the cold and huddling more into your padded down jacket, making you seem like a small child, especially with your already petite frame. Your eyes were filled with anticipation, probably thinking that I was an idiot for calling you out on one of the coldest days of the winter, where you should've been at home, spending time with your beloved family because it was Christmas Day. Nevertheless you still came out, and I'll be eternally grateful for that. I shifted my weight on the balls of my foot, small puffs of air coming out of my mouth as I tried to work up the courage to say this. "I like you, be my girlfriend?" Who knew 6 words could be so hard to say? My mind was reeling back to the horrible what-ifs of my event, and I could feel  my courage and confidence slowly going down the drain. The iPod felt icy cold in my hand, and for a split second I worried that I forgot to charge it enough. Muttering a soft curse under my breath, I found myself quickly unwinding the earphones wrapped around the electronic device and gently placed the ear buds in your ears, before fumbling with the iPod a little, and closing my eyes while praying for the best, I pressed play. 

My heart beats like a drum
My arms just wait for the day to hug you tight
My calendar just waits for the day marked red
My confession just waits for my courage
Though I am still a timid fool
I hope this song I wrote for countless nights
Deliver my sincerity
Take one side of the earphone in your hand

I glanced over to my calendar, the 25th of December circled numerous of times in red. 25 more days. Create a song, get the needed courage, sounds easy enough. I can do this. 

Apparently it wasn't. 15 days later, all I had was a rubbish bin filled with scrapped paper and an even lower sense of self-esteem. Who would know that it would be this difficult confessing to you? 5 more days passed with exactly the same routine and I suddenly had 5 days left to write 7 years of feelings into words with a rhythm and melody to them. Great, just great. 

20th December. 

Groaning I crumpled the piece of paper filled with scribbles into a tiny ball and threw it like a basketball into the over-filled rubbish bin, where it landed and caused at least 7 other similar paper balls to join its acquaintance on the floor. My phone on the side of the table started ringing, and wasn’t I surprised to see the one person causing me all of this mess flashing on the screen in your attempt to call me. Sighing, I picked it up, and said my greetings while spinning around in my chair. You asked if I was free to hang out on Christmas Eve and despite always wanting to hang out with you, I’ve been denying hanging out with you since December started, because I knew I would chicken out on Christmas Day before confessing. So, following my resolution, I apologetically rejected your request to hang out once again, but promised you that you would get a Christmas present, just not following our tradition of exchanging it on Christmas Eve this year. I could tell that you were upset, I’m sure everyone within a ten kilometre radius away could feel a chilly wind blowing through their hearts right at that time and I couldn’t help but giggle at how childishly you was behaving, it activated a maternal instinct within me, one of the reasons why I’m... well going through all of this now. We hung up after a little while more of you whining and trying to convince me that I should continue our tradition to no avail, and you just said that you expected something better than the iPhone X that I saved up for - for a whole year - which was your present the year before and then we finally ended the call. Instead of re-focusing on the now blank sheet in front of me, my mind decided to wander off, the very face that makes my heart beat fasten popping up in place of possible lyrics. The w