1.

Hyunjin’s day starts off as normally as his day could start.

Seungmin is awake first, hence he gets to use the bathroom first. That’s okay with Hyunjin because that only means more sleeping time for him because no matter how much you’ve been doing this all your life, the sleepiness and laziness to get up in the mornings never get easier with time.

Hyunjin’s right in the middle state of being awake and asleep, mind still hazy with slumber but conscious enough to hear Seungmin humming to a song in the bathroom with his honey voice. Little things like these- getting an extra five minutes shut-eye, hearing Seungmin’s voice, wrapped in a comfortable and warm blanket in the cold morning- make Hyunjin feels light with happiness, and he hums in content, letting a lazy smile creeps onto his face.

The water from the tap is shut closed, and Hyunjin hears the creak of the bathroom door first followed by the sound of hurried footsteps approaching the bed at an alarming rate, and then-

“Oof,” Hyunjin sinks deeper into the mattress from the extra weight lying atop of him. “Yah, Kim Seungmin,” Hyunjin says with a raspy voice, intending to appear annoyed but the small smile on his face gives him away. Seungmin laughs quietly but doesn’t move away from his position.

“Wake up, sleepyhead! It’s already morning.”

“No. Give me five more minutes.”

“Okay. Only five more minutes though!” Seungmin easily relents, already getting himself off of Hyunjin’s back. “I’m going to make breakfast and if you take longer than five minutes, I’ll eat all of the pancakes.”

“Pancakes?” Hyunjin perks up, lifting his head from the pillow.

“Yes, pancake.”

“I love pancakes,” Hyunjin says, leaning his head back down and giving a sleepy smile at Seungmin.

“I know,” Seungmin chuckles fondly. “Be a good boy and go wash up soon. Pancakes shall be rewarded to you after.”

“Can I get a deposit of that reward to boost my motivation to get up?” Hyunjin blinks at Seungmin, hinting what he wants by puckering his lips at the said guy.

“Silly baby,” Seungmin laughs but leans down to press a kiss on Hyunjin’s lips anyway. “I swear to god you’re 15 instead of 25,” Seungmin tuts but his lips are pulled into a warm and fond smile.

“You still love me ,” Hyunjin winks.

“I do. But your bosses won’t love you if you get to work late again.”

Hyunjin groans but finally moves to get ready for work after Seungmin gives him another kiss on the lips.

“Do you think you can make it to dinner with Felix and Jisung later?” Seungmin asks, turning Hyunjin to face him as they get into the elevator to fix his crooked tie.

“I’ll try?” Hyunjin says unsurely. He hasn’t seen Felix and Jisung for a while now and would love to meet and catch up with them but things have been hectic at work lately after they scored a new project. “No promises though.”

Seungmin’s lips curled in understanding. He fixes the collar of Hyunjin’s shirt next and then the blazer. “It’s okay. We can have dinner together some other time. All the four of us.”

“Yeah. Let’s do that. It’s been a while,” Hyunjin agrees. The elevator reaches the lobby and the doors open with a ding. They walk out of the building together but since they go to their workplace in opposite directions and by different means of transportation, they have to part as soon as they step out of the building’s compound. “Remember to eat your meals, okay? Don’t skip dinner!”

“Skipping dinner under Woojin’s watch? As if!” Hyunjin chuckles. “Have fun with Jisung and Felix. I’ll text you guys later.”

Seungmin nods and takes backward steps away from Hyunjin. “Take care! Love you.”

“Love you, too!”

Seungmin grins and waves his hand at Hyunjin one last time before turning around completely. Hyunjin waits until Seungmin disappears from his sight first before he leaves to catch his bus.

“Ah, this is driving me crazy!” Changbin shouts from his cubicle, startling Hyunjin who is staring intently at the screen of his desktop. Hyunjin blinks his blurry eyes and leans back against his chair, stretching his arms above of his head and deciding to get a quick break. As predicted, Hyunjin ends up staying at the office past working hours again. When Hyunjin checks his phone, the time shows it’s already five minutes to 10 in the evening and they’re still stuck in the office. He’d let Seungmin know he wouldn’t be able to make it to dinner after all, and Seungmin had replied to him but that was 3 hours ago. After that, Hyunjin hasn’t received any more text nor a call from Seungmin. Hyunjin smiles at his lockscreen (picture of Seungmin) and homescreen (picture of them both) before opening his chat with Seungmin.

hjsm

Are you home?

Did you have fun with Jisung and Felix that you forgot about me? :3

Did you miss me?

Do you miss me?

I miss you

Hyunjin stares at his phone, waiting for Seungmin to read and reply to his text. He pouts when Seungmin doesn’t reply as quickly as he usually does. Perhaps, he is having fun catching up with Felix and Jisung…

Outside, the rain is pouring hard but none of them in the office notices because of the loud music Chan is blaring on the office’s speakers until Woojin walks in and loudly announces “It’s raining!”

Hyunjin swivels his chair around to look through the window half covered by the blinds and sees that it is indeed raining, the droplets pitter pattering against the glass. He begins to wonder if Seungmin had left the apartment with enough layers of clothing that morning, if he had brought an umbrella with him. Hyunjin hopes that wherever his other half is, he’s staying safe and warm. It’s unfortunate that he can’t be home yet. He’d rather drink hot chocolate and cuddle with Seungmin in this kind of weather, but there is nothing he can do about it. Work is work, deadline is deadline. They need to finish this first draft and submit it by 10 the next morning. Changbin interrupts Hyunjin’s thought by saying something funny that causes Hyunjin to burst out laughing.

The clock hits 10.09pm and then Hyunjin receives the call.

It’s not from a number he recognizes, but nothing out of the ordinary as he receives calls from unknown numbers- which turn out to be potential clients- all the time so with a lingering laughter, he answers it and says “Hello! Hwang Hyunjin speaking”, not even registering the fact that it’s already considered late at night and who would call anyone about work past the working hours anyway?

The laughter dies when a formal but cautious voice greets him back on the other end of the line, his blood draining from his face when the woman says: “There’s been an accident. Kim Seungmin was involved and he’s been fatally hit by a car...”

2.

Hyunjin’s day starts off with him startling awake on his bed, his heartbeat racing and sweat trickling down his face as he looks around the room with wild eyes. Hyunjin feels his breath turning heavy when he sees the empty space next to him on the bed, fear erupting from his chest to the rest of his being because Seungmin is not there, and Seungmin had died in his dream (was it a dream?) and it had felt real and what if it’s real, oh god this can’t be happening-

Hyunjin snaps his head up at the sound of the water coming from the tap in the bathroom and without wasting any more time, Hyunjin throws the blanket away from his body and rushes to the bathroom, throwing the door open. Seungmin’s startled by the door hitting the wall, his hand still covering the lower half of his face, water dripping from his jawline and wide eyes looking at Hyunjin through the reflection of the mirror.

“Hyun-” Seungmin starts but his sentence gets cut off halfway when Hyunjin immediately pulls the younger guy into his arms. Seungmin feels warm against his body, alive and real and Hyunjin feels so, so glad, he doesn’t even realize he’s speaking incoherently and almost choking on his words. “Hyunjin, hey, what’s wrong?” Seungmin pulls away to look at Hyunjin, his still wet hands immediately cupping Hyunjin’s face and thumbs wiping the tears that are trickling down his cheeks.

“I had a nightmare,” Hyunjin frowns and hugs Seungmin again. He needs to feel Seungmin, needs to know he’s well and alive, needs to hold on to him and never let him go so nothing can hurt him. “You were in an accident and you. You-” Hyunjin can’t even say it aloud, just the thought alone triggers the tears again and the panic in him.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he hears Seungmin says, feels him returning the hug, hand rubbing Hyunjin’s back comfortingly. “It’s just a bad dream. You’re awake now. I’m fine. I’m here.” “Hyunjin. Breathe, please.”

Seungmin lets Hyunjin cries in his arms, lets Hyunjin releases the worries and fears and remnants of his nightmare in the form of tears until all that’s left are just hiccups. Seungmin wipes the tears away and presses kisses all over Hyunjin’s face to calm him down. “It’s okay,” he assures. “Just a bad dream.”

Hyunjin nods and hugs Seungmin tight. It had felt too real and Hyunjin was so, so scared. He can still feel the feeling of dread very clearly, how terrifying it had been when he heard what the lady said on the phone, how his world had stopped moving and crumbled down. It’s not something Hyunjin wants to go through ever again.

It’s just a dream. A bad dream.

Or maybe it’s not.

The text Hyunjin had sent to Seungmin few minutes ago remains unread and unanswered. The song Chan is blasting is exactly the same with the one Hyunjin heard in his dream and when Woojin loudly announces it’s raining, there’s a sick feeling in Hyunjin’s stomach at the realization of how familiar this whole situation is. Hyunjin can’t even bring himself to laugh (again) at the funny joke Changbin’s cracked.

Startled at the sound of his phone ringing, Hyunjin swallows the lump down his throat when he sees the familiar unknown number flashing on the screen of his phone. Sweats start to form, the walls closing in on him, noises fading out until all that he could hear is the sound of his heart beating fast. He answers the phone with a shaky hand and welcomes the darkness as the voice on the other end says:

“There’s been an accident…”

3.

Hyunjin’s day starts off with him blinking awake to tears spilling from his eyes and wetting the pillow under his head.

He doesn’t know what’s going on, doesn’t know why this is happening, doesn’t know if he’s gone crazy. He’s scared and confused, and there must be some kind of sick s messing with his head and sanity or otherwise, why else would he be receiving a call announcing Seungmin’s death twice in a row now?

He’s not going to let that happen again, though. No, not this time.

So Hyunjin sits up on the bed and wipes his tears with the back of his hand harshly, taking his phone into his hand to call Chan.

“Yes?~” Chan answers with a chirpy voice, way too enthusiastic way too early in the morning. Hyunjin swallows the lump down his throat and exhales shakily. “Hyunjin?”

“Chan, I don’t feel well,” Hyunjin starts. “I don’t think I can go to work today. I’ll work on my part of the project from home though, if that’s okay with you?”

“Hyunjin, if you feel unwell, just take a day off today and rest. Don’t push yourself. The others and I will work something out,” Chan says, almost reprimanding after hearing Hyunjin wanting to work despite feeling unwell. Hyunjin feels a little bad for lying but it has to be done.

“Thank you, Chan,” he says. After agreeing to take care of himself, Hyunjin hangs up on the call. At the same time, Seungmin pulls the bathroom door open, walking to the bed only to stop midway when he notices Hyunjin is already awake. “Oh?”

“I don’t feel well,” Hyunjin lies with a trembling voice, but has Seungmin rushing to him almost immediately to check on him.

“You do feel a little warm,” Seungmin chews on his lower lip with worry as he checks Hyunjin’s body temperature. “How are you feeling?”

Scared , is what Hyunjin wants to says. Scared and sad and confused and angry , but all that comes out is a pathetic whimper, which only worries Seungmin more.

“Oh god. Let’s just stay home today, okay?”

“Don’t leave!” Hyunjin quickly grabs Seungmin’s wrist when the said guy stands up from the bed. “Don’t leave me. Please.”

“I’m not,” Seungmin coos as Hyunjin hugs him and cries against his stomach. “Hey, you don’t have to cry. Are you hurting somewhere? Tell me,” he continues, fingers gently combing through Hyunjin’s hair. All of him is hurting, especially his heart, because of a dream that wasn’t really a dream. Did it really happen? Is he stuck in a nightmare? How is he supposed to explain this to Seungmin?

“Promise me you won’t leave me,” Hyunjin looks up at Seungmin. “I- I wouldn’t know what to do without you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Jinnie. I promise. I just have to make a quick call to the office.”

“Stay here with me today...”

If Seungmin thinks Hyunjin is acting strange, he’s doing good at not letting it show. He only smiles and agrees with the nod of his head.

It takes a few hours of cuddling with Seungmin for Hyunjin to calm down, making sure the younger one is indeed there with him, alive and breathing. They only get up from their bed at noon to get food. And then the rest of the day is spent talking with each other because Hyunjin likes Seungmin’s voice- wants to listen to him talk over and over again, movies playing on the television are forgotten and only serve as background noise.

Seungmin doesn’t ask what’s really wrong with Hyunjin, of why Hyunjin is acting strange and yet there’s something in the way he looks at Hyunjin- a touch of worry, sadness and pity merged into one, like he already knows the answer without asking, so Hyunjin doesn’t talk about it either.

Hyunjin’s not sure when exactly did he fall asleep but when he wakes up again, it’s already dark outside and he’s alone on the couch, blanket draped on his body.

“Seungmin?” he calls out, rubbing his eyes and perking his ears up to listen for any signs of where Seungmin is. “Seungminnie?” he tries again, sitting up and yawning into his hand. That’s when he sees the note on the table. He reaches for the note, eyes scanning what’s written on it.

Going out to get ice creams! Be back before you know it ;)

Hyunjin immediately whips his head around to look at the clock hanging on the wall, his eyes widening in horror. “No,” he gets up from the couch so fast he’s experiencing a slight vertigo. But Hyunjin doesn’t care. He runs to get his phone in the bedroom and immediately dials Seungmin’s number. The call gets connected. First ring. Second ring. “No, no, no. Please no. Please answer the phone- Hello??”

“Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin can’t even feel fully relieved to hear Seungmin’s voice, not when they younger guy is still out there somewhere. “It isn’t safe out there! Why didn’t you listen to me?” Hyunjin says, almost hysterical as he rushes out of the apartment. There’s a stunned silence on the other end of the line before a nervous laugh can be heard.

“Jinnie, calm down. I went out to get ice cream for desserts. I’m already on my way back home. Huh? Oh god, what’s with the sudden rain!” Seungmin says distractedly. Hearing that, Hyunjin panics even more. Impatient, Hyunjin clicks on the button of the elevator as if that would help make it go down faster.

“Seungmin, listen to me. Find somewhere safe to get shelter from the rain. Stay as far away from the road as you possibly can!” The elevator finally reaches the ground floor and Hyunjin runs out, only to find the rain is pouring down so heavily and he didn’t even put any shoes or slippers on, let alone bring an umbrella with him. “,” he curses under his breath.

“I think I can make it home if I run fast enough.”

“What? No! Seungmin-”

There’s a sound of skidding tyres against concrete ground, together with the sound of terrified screams in the background. Hyunjin feels his heart drops to the pit of his stomach especially when Seungmin gasps sharply into the receiver. Then there are thuds of a body hitting against metal surface before it lands on the ground with a traumatizing crack.

“Seungmin?!” Hyunjin shouts in panic, completely horrified and lost and helpless on what to do. “Seungmin! Answer me, I swear to god-” There’s only static-like noises now, the rain hitting the ground and urgent screams and footsteps everywhere. “Kim Seungmin!”

A different voice answers him, a shaky, unsure hello. “What are you doing? Call for help!” Hyunjin is trembling and shouting so loud into the phone that the security guard comes up to him with concern asking what’s wrong. It’s getting so hard to breathe, his eyes watering with tears, fear clogging up his throat. “Please call for help. Seungmin- he-” he begs to the middle-aged security guy, who looks as lost as Hyunjin is on what to do.

“H-Hyunjinnie?” Seungmin’s voice can be heard on the other end again.

“Seungmin!” Hyunjin cries. “, someone call for help! Please!”

“J-Jinnie. It’s o-okay. I’m okay,” Seungmin says. Hyunjin cries harder because they both know he’s far from okay. “I f-fell down an-d hu-hurt myself a...a little.”

“Did they call for help? what the are they doing??”

“It...it’ll be okay Jinnie b-but I n-eed you to...to listen to m-me.”

“ ...What?”

“I-I’m going to be a little la-late so you...you can eat first, o-okay? I ma-de dinner. Don’t wait. Don’t wait f-or me.” At this point, Hyunjin can hear sirens in the distance. He feels a little hopeful. Maybe it’ll be different this time. Maybe Seungmin can be saved. “I love you.”

“Don’t you dare! Don’t you ing dare leave me, Seungmin. You’re going to be fine. Help will be there soon.”

On the other end, Seungmin is only repeating his I love you s over and over, voice turning quieter with every second as his consciousness slips away. “No, please don’t. Don’t do this to me,” Hyunjin is not screaming anymore, but the tears won’t stop, his knees buckling and he falls to the ground.

The sirens are loud. The last thing Hyunjin hear is the people panicking and asking if Seungmin is dead, before he lets the phone slips from his hand, just like how Seungmin did.

The phone rings again an hour later. Hyunjin doesn’t answer.

4.

Hyunjin’s day starts off with him waking up to an odd feeling in his chest. There's pain and anger but most of all, he feels the determination to change how their fate should go.

He knows well now it wasn’t a dream at all, understands that there must be a reason why this is happening. Seungmin dies every single time and then the day restarts again after midnight and maybe, just maybe, he is meant to save Seungmin. If that is the case, Hyunjin must find ways to stop the accident.

He makes sure to use a different set of clothes and necktie that morning, asks for scrambled eggs instead of pancakes and most importantly, he decides to meet Jisung and Felix together that night.

“Are you sure? What about the project?” Seungmin asks.

“I can finish my part of the project before work ends,” Hyunjin says in determination. “I’ll pick you up at your office.”

“Or we can just meet up somewhere?”

“I’ll pick you up,” Hyunjin insists. “Wait for me.”

“But-” Hyunjin shuts him up with a kiss that leaves Seungmin in a daze.

“ Wait for me.”

“O...okay.”

“Take care,” Hyunjin manages a small smile. This time, he really isn’t going to let Seungmin die again. “I’ll see you again later.”

Hyunjin is stuck in an unforeseen meeting filled with long discussions and involved in heated arguments over their project for hours on end. By the time it’s finally over, the sun’s already set and Hyunjin can’t hide his shock seeing the day’s been replaced by night.

He reaches for his phone in his drawer and finds out he’d missed 5 calls from Seungmin and series of text from him. Hyunjin messily gathers his things and leaves the office in a haste, not even bothered to find out why nearly all of his colleagues are standing by the window and looking down at the street below.

Hyunjin only hears a murmured “What happened?” before he tunes out everything and focuses on his phone instead, waiting for Seungmin to pick up his call.

“Come on. Pick up the phone,” Hyunjin chews on his lower lip with worry. He’s nothing but annoyed when he walks out of the building and sees that despite it being a rainy night, a large crowd had managed to block the walk path. Clipping the phone in between his ear and shoulder, Hyunjin takes a look at his watch and seeing that he still has couple of hours left, he quickly runs to stop a cab, gets inside and gives the driver the address to Seungmin’s workplace.

“What do you mean he’s already left?’ Hyunjin widens his eyes at what Jeongin-Seungmin’s colleague- had just said. “But I told him to wait for me here!”

Hyunjin doesn’t realize he’s half-shouting until he sees the surprised look on Jeongin’s face. “Ah. He-he said you weren’t answering his text and call so he left about half an hour to an hour ago.”

“If he’s not here, then where is he?” Hyunjin asks, more to himself. The anxiety and fear start to form and before they take him over completely, Hyunjin quickly takes out his phone again with a shaky hand and tries dialing Seungmin’s number.

“I can...try to reach for him too?” Jeongin offers, fishing his own phone out of his back pocket.

Seungmin’s phone is unreachable now and Hyunjin’s start panicking. “I have to find him,” Hyunjin says, leaving the building and ignoring Jeongin calling for him. Stepping out of the building, Hyunjin suddenly feels really helpless because he doesn’t know where to start looking.

His phone rings but seeing it’s Chan instead of the person he wants to speak to the most, Hyunjin rejects the call, and tries to call Seungmin’s phone again. Just like before, the number is unreachable. “Damn it!” Hyunjin shouts. The pouring rain’s reduced to a drizzle now but still enough to make Hyunjin’s fringe to stick on his forehead.

After walking aimlessly for a while, Hyunjin decides to head back to his office. Maybe Seungmin is waiting for him there, he thinks. And maybe, Seungmin’s phone ran out of battery, hence it’s currently unreachable. That would make sense. That would make a lot of sense. Knowing Seungmin, he probably forgot his powerbank, or forgot to charge it the night before. Yes, that might be it.

Despite all the reasonings he made, Hyunjin can’t shake the fear and uneasiness away. He thinks he won’t feel at ease until he sees Seungmin and his smile again, until he hears Seungmin’s voice, until he feels Seungmin’s body pressed against his own.

Upon arriving at the building where their office is, Hyunjin immediately looks around for signs of Seungmin. He notices the crowds are no longer there, have probably been long gone now, although he does see red plastic cones covering a particular spot at the street to keep people out from entering the area. Hyunjin doesn’t think much of it. He only needs to find Seungmin and he needs to find him now .

Just as Hyunjin is about to climb the stairs to the entrance, someone grabs him by the wrist to stop him and turns him around.

“Hyunjin?” Woojin says, worry etched on his face. “Where have you been? We’ve been trying to reach you on your phone!”

“I’m sorry, Woojin. I’ve got to go,” Hyunjin answers distractedly. “I have to find Seungmin.”

“Hyunjin,” Woojin pulls on Hyunjin’s wrist again, his voice stern this time. “Have you gone to the hospital?” he asks.

“Hospital?” Hyunjin shifts his questioning gaze at the older guy.

Woojin presses his lips into a thin line. “I’m taking you there now,” he decides.

“W-Why?”

“Seungmin, he-,” Woojin doesn’t know where to start. “He was hit by a car,” he looks at the area barricaded by the red plastic cones. Hyunjin widens his eyes in disbelief. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to prevent the accident from happening, was supposed to protect Seungmin so he didn’t have to die this time and yet-

“No,” Hyunjin refuses to believe. He yanks his arm away from Woojin’s grip and turns around.

“Hyunjin!”

“No!” Hyunjin shouts and runs to where Seungmin is, which is stupid of him because he doesn’t even know where he is.

So incredibly stupid of him to run across the streets too, and not seeing the car speeding towards him, the headlights and the loud sound of the car horn only making Hyunjin freezes on his tracks, Woojin’s shout for his name a piercing sound and then-

Then there’s pain, pain, pain before everything spirals down into complete darkness.

5.

Hyunjin’s day starts off with Seungmin kissing him awake.

Having just woken up, Hyunjin’s mind is still hazy with sleep and in his state of confusion, he kisses Seungmin back. The movements of their lips and tongues are familiar- learned and perfected from their countless of kisses before, but so is the salty taste of tears.

“What?” Hyunjin cups Seungmin’s face, opening his eyes to look at Seungmin but Seungmin is quick to hide his face on the crook of Hyunjin’s neck. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Hyunjin his lips and wraps his arms around Seungmin, feeling him shaking against his own body. “Babe?”

“I love you,” is what Seungmin says. “I love you so much.”

“Hey, I love you, too,” Hyunjin can’t help but smile a little, albeit still feeling slightly confused, his fingers now gently threading through Seungmin’s soft hair. For a brief second, Hyunjin wonders if they managed to break the loop (if that’s what this all is) or maybe, it’s just a dream after all- a very long dream- but then he reaches out for this phone on the nightstand and finds out the day is repeating itself again. Hyunjin frowns and carelessly drops the phone next to him on the mattress, his arms hugging Seungmin a little tighter than he did minutes ago and lips pressed into a thin line.

As the things that happened before slowly become clearer and clearer, Hyunjin can’t help the frown from deepening. He remembers asking Seungmin to wait for him, and then he remembers the meeting, going to Seungmin’s workplace, meeting Jeongin then walking around aimlessly trying to find where Seungmin was. He remembers going back to his office, meeting Woojin there and then-

Hyunjin buries his nose on Seungmin’s hair. He remembers the bright headlights and the loud horn, remembers Woojin shouting for his name before his body made contact with metal and then everything after that was burning pain, and darkness.

Eternal darkness.

A quick thought slips into his mind: Did he die?

“Don’t ever do that again,” Seungmin mumbles, his voice muffled against Hyunjin’s shirt. He’s stopped shaking now, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing part of Hyunjin’s collarbone that is peeking out from the shirt.

“Do what exactly? Kiss you?” Hyunjin asks jokingly, trying to lighten up the odd mood. He’s rewarded with Seungmin’s half-hearted chuckle. Seungmin props himself up with his forearms on the pillow on both sides of Hyunjin’s head so he can look at the older guy. From this close proximity, Hyunjin can see the dried stain of tears on Seungmin’s cheeks and how his eyes are still sparkling from unshed tears. Seungmin uses his thumb to swipe on Hyunjin’s lower lip and then presses a soft kiss there.

“Don’t scare me,” Seungmin rephrases, offering a shaky smile at Hyunjin. Hyunjin wants to ask Seungmin more on what he meant but Seungmin quickly shuts him up with another kiss, immediately distracting Hyunjin. “Let’s skip work today,” Seungmin suggests in between their kisses. “Spend some time together.”

Hyunjin only pulls Seungmin closer because really, who is he to say no to that.

At first, they only stay at home- cleaning the house, doing laundry together, singing their hearts out to day6’s and got7’s songs. Somehow, Hyunjin allows himself to forget on what’s been happening, instead deciding to bask himself in the moment he’s spending with Seungmin. They’re slow dancing in the makeshift dance floor in the living room (which is really just a small space in the middle of the room they made by pushing the furniture to the walls), Hyunjin’s arms around Seungmin’s waist and Seungmin’s arms around Hyunjin’s neck, when Seungmin says: “Let’s go to Lotte World.”

“Now?” Hyunjin raises both of his eyebrows in question.

“Mhmm. God, we loved Lotte World,” Seungmin chuckles. “We used to go there at least twice a month, do you remember?”

Hyunjin smiles and nods his head. “So weird we never get bored of it, even after going there so many times before.”

“Well I don’t think it’s weird at all,” Seungmin sticks his tongue out at Hyunjin. They’ve stopped dancing, so right now they’re just holding each other in their arms in a hug. “There’s always fun things to do there.”

“You’re right,” Hyunjin’s pecks Seungmin’s nose, gaining a giggle from him. Thinking back, a lot of things happened at Lotte World. It was their favorite place to hang out together with Jisung and Felix when they were bored and had nothing fun to do at home. It was also where Hyunjin confessed his feelings to Seungmin, where they kissed for the first time, where they celebrated their anniversaries and birthdays back to when they were younger and had more time to spend. They’ve gone there less and less after moving in to their apartment and getting jobs, until one day they just stopped going altogether.

“It’s just,” Seungmin starts again, interrupting Hyunjin’s thoughts. “We keep saying we should go there again one of these days but those days never seem to come, you know?” Hyunjin hums in agreement, gently pressing his nose on Seungmin’s temple as he considers Seungmin’s suggestion. He flicks his eyes at the clock on the wall. It’s a little past noon and maybe they can make it there to the indoor amusement park and go back home before the day turns dark. He’s content with just being home with Seungmin like this, especially knowing the world out there is unsafe and always wanting to hurt Seungmin and take Seungmin away from him. But how does he say no to Seungmin? When he’s looking at Hyunjin with that expectant eyes and that cute grin on his face?

That’s how they end up at Lotte World an hour later. The place is how Hyunjin remembers it to be- chatters and laughter and screams everywhere, buzzing with people, most of them are tourists but there are also locals with their families or group of friends. Hyunjin can vaguely smell the delicious scent of corn dogs and the sweet smell of cotton candy, and his stomach gives out an involuntary grumble. He didn’t think Seungmin notices it but apparently he did by the way he turns around at Hyunjin with wide eyes before bursting laughing out loud.

They don’t get something to eat. Instead, they buy themselves cute matching headbands before running off to play the rides, like they’re 16 all over again, young and wild and free. They don’t mind waiting in the long queues because they have each other to keep themselves company, to help distract each other and make the time pass quicker. Besides, the thrill and laughter and screams are all worth the wait.

To see Seungmin laughing and genuinely having fun like this makes it all worth it.

Hyunjin is restless on the bus on their way back home. He’d been too busy having fun with Seungmin that he’d lost track of the time. By the time they walk out to head to the bus stop, the sun has fully set and the sky has turned dark.

“Today was really fun,” Seungmin comments, breaking the silence as he links his arm with Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin shakes his thoughts off and turns his face to look at Seungmin’s head leaning on his shoulder. From this position, he can only see Seungmin’s hair so he shifts his gaze towards the reflection of the mirror where it meets with the younger’s. “Thank you.”

Hyunjin doesn’t know what to say but there’s an uncomfortable feeling lurching in his stomach. He only offers a smile and hopes it doesn’t look as shaky as it feels. “We should do it again tomorrow,” he adds. Hearing this, Seungmin lets out a laugh and lifts his head up to look at Hyunjin.

“Don’t be silly,” he says. “We can’t just skip work as we like.”

“Why not?”

“Because that’s irresponsible,” Seungmin answers easily. “Oh, this is our stop.”

Hyunjin observes the area around them and frowns. “No it’s not.”

“Yes, it is,” Seungmin grabs Hyunjin’s hand in his so Hyunjin will get up with him.

“Our apartment is still three stops away,” Hyunjin argues but follows Seungmin anyway.

“Yes, I know where we live, of course,” Seungmin playfully rolls his eyes and hops off the bus. He turns around to look at Hyunjin as people at the bus stop get on the bus, leaving them alone there. “But we’re meeting with Jisung and Felix today, remember?”

“We are?” Hyunjin raises his eyebrows. Seungmin nods his head. Hyunjin doesn’t like where this is going especially when he hears the first sign of rain pouring down pitter-pattering against the roof of the bus stop. “Let’s just go back home,” Hyunjin suggests uneasily. Indeed the rain pours heavily around them seconds later.

“I need to see them,” Seungmin says. “I need-”

“We can go see them tomorrow, okay?” Hyunjin cuts in, locking his gaze with Seungmin’s, whose eyes were searching Hyunjin’s. The look in Seungmin’s eyes is unreadable and it unsettles Hyunjin deeply. “Please.”

Something in the way Seungmin looks at Hyunjin changes, his fingers finding their places in between the spaces of Hyunjin’s own fingers and entwining them tight. “I need to tell them something,” he says. “They’re probably waiting for us already at the usual place.”

Hyunjin frowns. What is it that Seungmin has to tell their best friends that is so important that he can’t wait until tomorrow to tell them?

(Although when Hyunjin thinks about it again, there’s really no more tomorrow for them, only the same day repeating over and over again, and Hyunjin doesn’t know for how much longer this will be going on for, doesn’t know how to break it.)

Hyunjin’s frown deepens when he watches Seungmin reaching for his backpack and pulling an umbrella out. It’s clear that Seungmin’s made up his mind about meeting their best friends. Hyunjin’s left his phone at home on purpose, not wanting to be disturbed by the texts and phone calls he’s probably been getting since morning, but apparently Seungmin brought his as he pulls the said phone out from his backpack next.

“Let’s go,” Seungmin says. Hyunjin takes a quiet but deep breath in and then lets it out as Seungmin opens the umbrella. Even though the walk paths are barricaded from the road by chains, Hyunjin still feels paranoid so he shifts Seungmin to the safer side of the path while he himself take the side of the path that is facing the road. He loops an arm around Seungmin’s waist protectively, careful, alert eyes looking around for any signs of danger as they walk together to where they’re going to meet their friends.

Seungmin’s phone rings and he answers the call but Hyunjin doesn’t pay much attention to it now that they’ve entered a bigger and busier area, which only means looking out for more possible dangers around them. He hears Seungmin playfully bickering on the phone with someone that Hyunjin assumes is Jisung as they stop to wait for the light for pedestrians to turn green.

“I said we’ll be there in 10! Why do you need to talk to Hyunjin?” Hyunjin’s attention goes to Seungmin upon hearing his name. “He’ll only say the same thing because I’m telling you the truth! In 10 minutes! Okay, maybe 9 now. Ugh fine,” Seungmin rolls his eyes and passes the phone to Hyunjin.

“What,” Hyunjin says into the phone. He lets Seungmin takes over in holding the handle of the umbrella, and puts his arm around Seungmin’s shoulders to keep him close. Jisung is ranting about punctuality on the other end of the phone call but Hyunjin isn’t listening much. The lights are taking too long to turn green, mumbles of grumpy complaints can be heard all around them from passersby waiting to cross the streets. Hyunjin doesn’t blame them- the rain is crazy and his sneakers are half-soaked by now that Hyunjin himself wishes they could leave the place already and get to somewhere warm and safe. It’s no wonder that everyone immediately rushes to cross the streets as soon as the lights for passersby turn green, Hyunjin and Seungmin included.

“Shut up, Jisung,” Hyunjin finally says, cursing under his breath when he steps into a deep puddle. “We’ll be there in-”

A loud crash freezes everyone nearby, heads snapping towards the source of the sound. A car is seen crashed into a rear bumper of another car in front of it, the confusion and shock momentarily stopped everyone from moving. It’s only when a loud horn and skidding of tyres shattering the moment that everyone suddenly starts panicking, watching as another car hit the back of the second car, and the incoming of another car…

Everything happens so quickly. Hyunjin should have known. He should have reacted better. Faster. Should have dragged Seungmin to a safer place immediately. But of course he can’t even do such a simple thing, didn’t even imagine Seungmin would launch forward to save the middle school kid who’s frozen in fear as the headlights get nearer to her.

“No!” Hyunjin shouts with widen eyes, reaching forward to grab Seungmin as the younger guy pushes the girl away, only to feel himself colliding with the car and falling hard on the concrete ground with a painful thud.

“Oh my god!” someone shouts, along with other panic screams. Hyunjin feels disoriented, his vision losing focus several times. “Are you okay? Oh my god, someone please call for help!”

“Seungmin,” Hyunjin calls, wincing when he feels pain travelling down his body in shock. There’s something warm trickling down his face and when he tilts his head to the side, Hyunjin sees Seungmin.

Seungmin’s lying on his stomach just a few meters away from where Hyunjin is, but his head is facing away from Hyunjin. “Seungmin,” Hyunjin calls again. At this point, Hyunjin can only see Seungmin, ignoring the voices and footsteps around him. Hyunjin waits for Seungmin to move but he doesn’t. “Help him. Please,” Hyunjin says to no one in particular. He doubts anyone heard him, not with how small his voice is and how loud the rain are.

Hyunjin's beginning to see red, his consciousness slipping in and out, and after what seems like forever, help finally arrives at the scene.

“Sir, can you hear me?” the person says. Hyunjin feels hands gently touching him, looking for wounds before flashlight is briefly shone into his eyes. Hyunjin realizes he can no longer feel the rain on his face. He stares up ahead and watches the rain drops hitting the transparent umbrella. The sound is oddly soothing, but also loud enough to snap him out of his somehow delirious state. “Can you tell me your name?” the person asks.

“Seungmin,” Hyunjin frowns, feeling the ache right above his eyebrow that sends his head into a throbbing mess but he forces himself to tilt his head to look at Seungmin. “Seungmin,” Hyunjin says again, this time with a building fear and panic seeing the unmoving Seungmin and how no one’s tending for him.

“Seungmin? Can you tell me your full name?” the paramedic gently cups Hyunjin’s face and tilts his head up a little to put the neck brace on. Hyunjin finds he can’t really move his head with the neck brace on and he panics even more.

“No, Seungmin-”

“Sir, calm down. You’ll be okay. Please don’t move to avoid further injury,” the other paramedic says.

“Seungmin,” Hyunjin chokes. “I’m okay. Save him. Please.” Hyunjin feels hot tears welling in his eyes, desperate to move and get up to get to Seungmin but his body won’t listen to him. One of the paramedics seems to realize Seungmin is a different person instead of the one they’re tending to right now and instinctively looks up to where Hyunjin’s been looking at previously. “Seungmin. Seungmin. Save him.”

The paramedic glances down at Hyunjin before exchanging looks with the other paramedic. They don’t say anything, only silently communicating with each other.

“We’re going to move you onto the stretcher and I promise you it will only take a second. You may feel pain but I need you to hang in there. One second.”

“No. No, Seungmin!” Hyunjin doesn’t know where he found the strength to scream. Maybe it’s the desperation and fear and frustration that no one’s listening to him, that no one’s taking action to save Seungmin, that he can’t see and hear Seungmin.

“On the count of three. One, two-”

Indeed, there’s a shock of pain hitting Hyunjin when they transfer him to the stretcher. Hyunjin ignores it and tries to struggle to get up because damn it, if no one’s going to help Seungmin, then he will.

“Seungmin!”

“Sir, please calm down!” The paramedic insists, putting the safety belts on and moving the cart towards the ambulance. From this position, from the corner of his eyes, Hyunjin can see Seungmin. He’s still lying still on the ground, but there are finally people approaching him. Hyunjin cries in relief, but it’s only short-lived, his breath caught in his throat when he sees the people fully covering Seungmin's body with a white cloth. “No,” Hyunjin chokes. Just minutes ago, Seungmin was still alive, warm and breathing next to Hyunjin. Just hours ago, Seungmin was smiling and laughing with him. How can things escalate this quickly?

“Kim Seungmin!” Hyunjin cries. The images of Seungmin looking at Hyunjin with love in his eyes, and with a huge fond smile on his face flashes in his head, and then the images change to Seungmin lying still on the ground, covered by a white cloth.

No. This shouldn’t be happening. Why can’t he save Seungmin?

The door of the ambulance bangs shut and Hyunjin gives in to the darkness.

6.

Hyunjin’s day starts off with him waking up with anger burning in his chest.

The space next to him on the bed is empty and cold, but Hyunjin hears the water running down the tap coming from the bathroom. He sits up in a rather calm manner- a contrast to how he feels inside- reaches for his phone on the nightstand and then drops it back down after checking the date and time.

Of course. What was he expecting anyway?

Hyunjin gets up and walks to the wardrobe, taking his sweatpants and hoodie out and putting them on. He also puts his bucket hat on to hide his messy bed hair, when Seungmin pulls the bathroom door open.

“Hyunjin?” Hyunjin hears Seungmin calling for him, but doesn’t turn around to look at him. He grabs his phone, keys and a pack of cigarettes on the nightstand, and then quickly makes his way out of the room. “Hyunjin, wait. Where are you going?” Seungmin stops him by holding on his wrist, to which Hyunjin immediately pulls away.

“Out,” he answers curtly, voice raspy from sleep.

“To where?” Seungmin asks in confusion, his voice soft and slightly trembling. Hyunjin wants to look up and pulls Seungmin into a hug but he’s just so angry .

“Anywhere. I don’t know.”

“But what about work-”

“I don’t care about work right now,” Hyunjin snaps. “I don’t care about the damn project. everything. all of this!”

Seungmin is looking at him with wide eyes, but he doesn’t say anything. Hyunjin knows none of this is Seungmin’s fault, but he still feels mad and betrayed at the idea of Seungmin leaving him. Why does Seungmin have to leave him? Why does he have to die? Why is Seungmin so persistent on leaving him behind?

“Hyunjin, I-” Seungmin starts. There are tears in his eyes, his breathing shaky and it takes a whole 30 seconds for Hyunjin to realize he’d spoken everything out loud. Hyunjin’s own breath gets caught in his throat and instead of explaining himself and comforting Seungmin, Hyunjin walks to the entryway, slips his shoes on and leaves the apartment.

Hyunjin only has one destination in mind- Jisung’s and Felix’s studio.

It’s far from where they live, but Hyunjin takes his time to get there on foot, even stopping at a random park to allow himself to breathe and cool himself down first to be able to think properly. He still doesn’t know why all of this is happening, doesn’t know how to save Seungmin.

Are you even meant to save him? , a thought crosses his mind as Hyunjin sits at one of the benches in the park. He suddenly feels cold, his body trembling a little but Hyunjin isn’t sure if it’s because of the chilly morning breeze hitting him in the face, or because of how scary the thought is. Hyunjin quickly shakes it off. Of course he is meant to save Seungmin. He is not supposed to just let Seungmin die. That’s absurd.

Hyunjin reaches for his pack of cigarettes from his pocket, taking a roll of cancer stick out and the lighter that he’d put in the box, putting it in between his lips. He doesn’t smoke often because Seungmin hates it, and Hyunjin hates it when Seungmin’s mad at him, but sometimes it has to be done. Hyunjin is not addicted to it, no. He knows it’s not good for his health, but smoking helps in clearing his head for him to be able to think better, so Hyunjin does it simply for that.

He doesn’t light up the stick immediately, just letting it hang idly in between his lips. His fingers play with the sparkwheel of the lighter for several minutes as he eyes the small manmade lake in front of him, although he’s not really thinking anything about it. His eyes flick down at the lighter, watching as the flame appears and disappears with the control of his thumb.

Hyunjin eventually lights the cigarette after minutes spent pondering on things. He takes a large inhale of the smoke, feeling it circulating in his lungs. It’s warm and comforting, and Hyunjin feels the calmness sipping into his being. He forgets how pleasant this feeling is because it really has been that long, even though it brings deathly consequences not only to him, but everyone around him. He briefly looks around, relieved to find out there’s no one else there but him.

Hyunjin in the cigarette several more times, before another thought crosses his mind. Maybe you’re not supposed to save him, it says. Hyunjin huffs angrily, throwing the stick onto the ground and squashing it with his sneaker as he stands up from the bench. He pulls the zipper up and puts the hoodie on, making his way towards his friends’ studio again. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but he doesn’t care. He’s not really in a hurry. Not yet anyway.

Maybe, you’re supposed to let him go, the voice says again. Hyunjin refuses to entertain the possibility. Despite wanting to take his time, he finds himself picking up the pace, slowly at first but then it turns into full on running as the thought weighs heavier in his head. No. It’s stupid. Hyunjin doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to let Seungmin go. What about their vow? Their promises still left unfulfilled? What happened to growing old together?

Hyunjin doesn’t want to be alone. He doesn’t want to be without Seungmin.

All too soon, Hyunjin arrives at the complex where Jisung’s and Felix’s studio is located at. He’d been running so hard that his lungs feel like they’re burning and by the time he reaches the entrance lobby, he’s all out of breath.

Hyunjin takes a large gulp of air in, deciding to walk towards the narrow alley beside the building to steady his breathing again. He leans on the wall and hastily pulls out his pack of cigarette with shaky hand, making his phone slips from the pocket and falls on the ground. He grunts in displease, picking the phone back up after putting a cigarette stick in between his lips, but pausing midway when the phone lights up indicating an incoming call.

The picture clearly shows who the caller is. It is an old picture of Seungmin and him, taken when they were still in high school. Hyunjin was hugging Seungmin from the back, his chin on Seungmin’s shoulders and eyes disappearing into half-moon shapes from how wide he was smiling, while Seungmin had the same matching grin on his face when the picture was taken. God, they were so in love, are still so in love with each other and Hyunjin doesn’t know how to do this without Seungmin…

Hyunjin watches the incoming call ended- sees the notifications that Seungmin had been trying to reach him on his phone since he left their apartment. He bites on his lower lips when he feels them trembling, leaning back against the rough wall and looking up at the sky above of him to prevent the tears from falling. He doesn’t feel like smoking anymore, so he tugs the cigarette stick from his mouth and crumpled it in his hand before throwing it on the ground.

Hyunjin goes up to his friends’ studio with thoughts racing in his head. When he rings the bell and Jisung answers the door looking all messy, the dark half-circles so prominent under his eyes even in the slightly dark entryway (Hyunjin notices they still haven’t changed the light bulb), like he hasn’t been getting sleep the night before, his worry is briefly shifted towards the younger guy. Knowing Jisung and his tendency of pulling an all-nighter to finish a song, Hyunjin wouldn’t be surprised if the younger did not sleep a wink.

“Wha-” Jisung starts in confusion, eyes looking for the clock on the wall. “Don’t tell me it’s already time for us to get dinner.”

Hyunjin actually snorts at this. It’s so Jisung as well to lose track of the time. “Don’t worry. It’s not. It’s still early. Can I. Umm. Come in?”

“Yeah. Yeah sure, of course,” Jisung nods his head and lets Hyunjin in. Hyunjin mumbles a thank you and walks inside to slip his shoes off. “Wait. Don’t you have to go to work?”

Hyunjin groans lazily and makes his way to Jisung’s and Felix’s studio. The place is actually a 2-storey apartment turned into recording studios, and Felix and Jisung have their own private studio on the second floor. Unlike Felix, who remembers to go back home because he has someone to go back to, Jisung spends most of his time cooped up in his shared studio with Felix. One time, Seungmin had jokingly suggested Jisung to just live in the studio, and Hyunjin remembers how baffled Seungmin was when Jisung actually considered it. Hyunjin has to smile at that memory, but the smile quickly turns into a frown remembering he still can’t stop Seungmin from dying and leaving him.

“Okay, dude for real. You know I can’t lie. If Chan asks me about you, I’d tell him you were hanging out at my studio,” Jisung breaks Hyunjin’s thoughts as they enter the studio.

“Whatever. I don’t care,” Hyunjin dismisses. Chan won’t remember he skips work today, or the day before, so it doesn’t matter.

“Living on the edge, I see,” Jisung comments with a chuckle. He takes a sit on his office chair and gets back to his work. Without a word, Hyunjin walks to the tiny bathroom at the other end of the room and locks himself in.

Hyunjin pulls his hat off and looks at his reflection on the mirror, and then turns the tap on to immediately wash his face with the water. The coldness of the water is biting against his skin, but also refreshing that Hyunjin almost wishes for it to wake him up completely from this whole thing. He knows that it’s impossible though. He’s very much already awake, in a reality that feels like a nightmare.

Hyunjin opens the bathroom cabinet and finds what he’s looking for without any problems. He takes the new, unused toothbrush and rips the package off, not even bothered to ask Jisung before using it. He needs to get rid of the taste of tobacco on his tongue immediately, as well as the bitter taste of reality.

“You okay?” Jisung asks as soon as Hyunjin steps out of the bathroom after he’s done, making a beeline for the leather sofa and making himself comfortable there.

“Yes,” Hyunjin lies. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Jisung shrugs. “Well, you’re here instead of at work, and Seungmin may or may not have called me just now to ask about your whereabout. You wanna tell me what’s up?”

Hyunjin doesn’t answer immediately, finding the strings of his hoodie far more interesting than answering Jisung’s question. Jisung doesn’t prod him, however, which Hyunjin is thankful of. He doesn’t know how to say this to Jisung, doesn’t know where to start.

“Have you eaten yet?” Hyunjin shakes his head. “Okay then, I’ll ask Felix to get extra food,” Jisung decides, spinning his chair back around to face the monitor and to leave Hyunjin alone with his thoughts. Hyunjin sinks deeper into the couch, relaxing completely as he leans his head on the headrest and looking at the bright lights on the ceiling. He uses his hand to cover the blinding light and uses the spaces between his fingers to adjust the amount of light hitting his eyes. He does this for several minutes before he gets bored with it and drops his hand back down, exhaling deeply.

Felix arrives at the studio 10 minutes later with their brunch. They eat while catching up on stuff because it really has been a while since the last time they met and talked like this. Hyunjin realizes he misses his friends more than he cares to admit. It’s nice to laugh and bicker with them like this, and he can’t help but think how much nicer it would be if Seungmin was there with them too, hanging out with each other just like the good old days. It’s always been the 4 of them ever since they were little. Hyunjin can’t imagine if-

Hyunjin loses his appetite and puts the bowl and chopsticks down, his change of mood does not go unnoticed by his friends.

“You sure you’re okay?” Jisung asks again for the second time. Hyunjin leans back against the couch and pulls his hat off to card his fingers through his hair. Felix- who is sitting next to Hyunjin on the couch- stops mid-chew to look at Hyunjin, while Jisung pushes his office chair closer to the couch to listen to whatever Hyunjin has to say. Hyunjin only looks at his friends without saying anything though, because how is he supposed to do this anyway?

Hyunjin feels rather than see his friends exchanging looks with each other. Felix finishes chewing his food and puts his own bowl and chopsticks down so he can lean back against the couch and give his attention on Hyunjin. “Is everything okay?” Felix tries a different approach. “I thought Seungmin said you’d be busy all week to finish your project and that you wouldn’t be able to join us later. So, why are you here? Everything okay at work?”

“It’s fine. I’ll take care of it tomorrow,” Hyunjin grumbles. Honestly, that damn project is the least of his worries right now. If he loses job because of this, he can always find a new one. On the other hand, if he loses Seungmin…

“Okay. Well. I apologize if we’re invading in your private lives, but did you have a fight with Seungmin?” Jisung asks. “I asked Seungmin what was wrong but he didn’t tell me. Almost like...he didn’t know how to say it.”

Hyunjin presses his lips into a thin line at this. Well, Hyunjin wouldn’t call it a fight per se, and not even an argument. Hyunjin is just... mad. And Seungmin is probably just...confused and hurt over Hyunjin’s outburst. God, I’m the worst , Hyunjin thinks to himself. When Hyunjin takes too long to answer, both Felix and Jisung take the silence as a yes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Felix asks, his tone uncharacteristically softer than his normal loud and deep one. Hyunjin exhales deeply and shrugs.

“I don’t know. I just- have a lot on my mind,” Hyunjin says, and then turns quiet again. Felix reaches for Hyunjin’s hand to squeeze it, while Jisung rests his hand on Hyunjin’s knee- gestures meant to comfort Hyunjin as well as to encourage him to continue talking. Hyunjin gives a faint but thankful smile. “I’ve been having these...recurring nightmares.”

“Nightmares?” Felix echoes. Hyunjin nods. There’s no other words to describe it other than it being a nightmare. Seungmin dying and leaving Hyunjin alone. Waking up from a nightmare into another nightmare. “What...are they about?” Felix asks in hesitance, unsure if it’s okay to be asking it in the first place. Hyunjin exhales deeply again and leans his head on Felix’s shoulder. Felix lets him, and rubs comforting circles on Hyunjin’s hand with his thumb.

“I keep having dreams of Seungmin dying in an accident,” Hyunjin answers in a quiet voice. “I keep trying to stop it but I can’t and he just-” Hyunjin inhales and exhales to steady his voice again. “He just dies. Over and over and over again.”

“That’s scary,” Felix sympathizes.

“It’s just a bad dream,” Jisung adds. Hyunjin wishes it was just a bad dream. He wishes he would wake up and never have to go through a day where Seungmin dies in the end, ever again. Hyunjin wants for things to get back to normal again, where he doesn’t have to fear losing Seungmin. Is that really too much to ask for?

“I don’t understand why he had to die. Why he had to leave me,” Hyunjin frowns and confesses: “I’ve been having the nightmares so often that I feel...mad at the idea of Seungmin leaving me. I know it’s not his fault but I maybe, kinda, sorta had been unfair towards Seungmin about it anyway?”

Jisung offers a thoughtful hum. “Did you tell Seungmin about the nightmares?” Hyunjin shakes his head curtly. “Then, you should talk about them with him.”

“You know, if you think about it carefully,” Felix starts with a smile in his voice. He leans his head on Hyunjin’s, his hand giving Hyunjin’s a light squeeze, as if trying to make what he’s about to say next absorb quicker in Hyunjin’s head. “Seungmin loves you too much to leave you. If he really had to leave to somewhere, it’s most probably not because he actually wants to. It’s probably not his choice.” “So, yeah. I think you should talk about this with him, too.”

It’s odd how it’s only now Hyunjin’s actually thinking about it, after Jisung and Felix mentioned it like that. Maybe...he should have done that sooner. Would it make a difference though? Would Seungmin understand? Would he think Hyunjin is crazy?

The conversation’s lulled into silence right after, with Hyunjin lost in his thoughts again and Jisung and Felix allowing him to think. The silence is only broken when Felix asks Jisung what their schedule is for today, and of how much had Jisung managed to complete so far the night before. They’re talking in hushed voices, mindful of Hyunjin thinking and contemplating in between them both.

Eventually, Hyunjin’s left on his own as Jisung and Felix get back to their work. They let Hyunjin stay and Hyunjin is grateful of the time alone but at the same time still in the quiet company of his friends.

He doesn’t know how much time had passed by the time he excuses himself to leave, but both Jisung and Felix give him a tight and encouraging hugs, even offering to cancel the dinner out so Hyunjin and Seungmin could sit down and talk and sort things out. Hyunjin gives them one last thankul smile and leaves the studio.

Hyunjin takes another long walk back home. As a result of being so lost in his thoughts, he begins to notice little things like how Seungmin doesn’t hum in the bathroom again in the morning, of how he’d noticed Seungmin contemplating bringing an umbrella, of how Seungmin, too, had used different sets of clothes and cooked different breakfast without Hyunjin asking him to, and all of Seungmin’s knowing looks…Hyunjin’s walk is halted into a stop as he thinks of the possibility that Seungmin…

That Seungmin is aware of this loop happening to Hyunjin. To them.

Hyunjin feels sick at this but he really has to know and without wasting anymore time, Hyunjin runs back to their apartment to meet Seungmin.

“Hyun-” Seungmin gets up from the couch as soon as Hyunjin steps in to their home but Hyunjin quickly cuts in with a: “How long have you known?” His breaths are heavy and unstable from all the running he did, sweats trickling down the side of his face and his back, making his hoodie stick on his skin. His eyes searches for Seungmin’s, who’s searching for Hyunjin’s and Hyunjin feels his heart drops to the pit of his stomach at how red Seungmin’s eyes and nose are from crying. There are new tears quickly forming in Seungmin’s eyes as a flash of guilt and sadness appears on his face before he lets them fall on his cheeks and throwing himself forward to hug Hyunjin tight.

“I’m so sorry,” Seungmin says. Hyunjin’s breath hitches at how painful Seungmin’s cry is, and Hyunjin feels hot tears gathering in his own eyes. “I’m so, so sorry. What was I supposed to do? Let Jisung get hit by the car? I didn’t know-” Hyunjin pales at this. “I didn’t know it would end this way-. I. You. I love you so much. I didn’t want to leave you like this-”

Hyunjin lets the tears fall and hugs Seungmin back. So all this time, Seungmin is aware of the loop? Aware of him dying ? Hyunjin’s heart breaks at this, at how terrifying it must have been for Seungmin as well, and most importantly at how he finally realizes why they’re stuck in this loop and how to break it:

They both need to let go.

No. Not today. Not ever.

Hyunjin tightens his hug around Seungmin, like he is afraid Seungmin will disappear if he doesn’t, terrified this would be the last time he gets to hold Seungmin like this. He cries now, too, pleading when says: “Stay. Please stay. You’re not going anywhere.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Seungmin echoes in a whisper. A lie. An empty promise. But both of them choose to believe that anyway, even if they’ll get hurt in the end.

7.

Hyunjin’s day starts off with Seungmin lying his head on Hyunjin’s chest, legs tangled with the older guy’s. A small smile makes it way onto Hyunjin’s face, his hand immediately rubbing down Seungmin’s back and nose finding place on Seungmin’s hair to give them light nuzzles.

“Good morning,” he hears Seungmin says. “Let’s...stay like this for a little while.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin agrees and tightens his arms around Seungmin. “Okay.”

So they stay like that, watching the time passes by, doing nothing except cuddle and kiss and get snacks from their stash in the room since neither of them want to go to the kitchen to make actual meals. Hyunjin is fine with this, doesn’t mind it a tiny bit. Just as long as he gets to be with Seungmin, nothing else matters.

Even if they have to repeat the day, even if they’re doing the same thing over and over again, just as long as Hyunjin gets to have Seungmin at the end of the day and waking up next to him on the bed the next time he opens his eyes, Hyunjin is content.

The day restarts.

Over and over and over and over again.

“Just one more day,” Hyunjin will say every single time.

Then, Seungmin will say: “Okay.”

Then one day, Hyunjin wakes up alone on the bed.

The panic kicks in almost instantly. Coupled with the grogginess from sleep, Hyunjin almost trips onto the floor trying to get up from bed to look for Seungmin. The things on the nightstand, however, do not have the same luck as they fall on the ground from the commotion Hyunjin made.

“Hyunjin?” Seungmin says as he pulls the bathroom door open, eyes questioning. He sees the items on the floor and then shifts his gaze up to look at Hyunjin. Hyunjin doesn’t know what Seungmin sees playing on his face but Seungmin’s saying: “I’m here.”

Hyunjin lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding in, his arms quickly finding their way around Seungmin. Hyunjin doesn’t know he’s trembling and crying either until Seungmin shushes him and comforts him with the rub of his hand on Hyunjin’s back. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I scared you,” Seungmin whispers. Hyunjin only shakes his head, unable to utter a word as he only lets the tears fall and at the same time, trying his best to calm himself down. Seungmin holds him the whole time, petting the back of Hyunjin’s head softly and humming every now and then to further comfort Hyunjin.

“Why don’t you wash up and join me for breakfast after?” Seungmin pulls away after a while and cups Hyunjin’s face in his hands. “I’ll make your favorite,” he adds with a small smile. Hyunjin sniffles and agrees with another nod of his head before walking to the bathroom.

Fifteen minutes later, when Hyunjin pads into the kitchen to Seungmin flipping pancake on the pan, Hyunjin is more than confused as to why Seungmin is wearing his work attire. It’s not just any work attire either- it’s the attire he wore on the day the accident happened.

“What are you doing?” Hyunjin frowns. If he’s reading this right, Seungmin is leaving the house to go to work- which is completely crazy, especially knowing what could happen; how the day would end once he stepped out of the safety of their apartment.

“Making you breakfast,” Seungmin answers. He sounds so calm and casual, like the fear’s left him, like none of this scares him anymore, like he’s ready. Like he’s accepting.

And that scares Hyunjin .

“Stop,” Hyunjin says shakily.

“I’m almost done. Can you help me get the plates?”

“Stop it!” Hyunjin snatches the spatula and throws it into the sink. The frying pan comes next, and then the pancakes. “ What are you doing?” Hyunjin heaves. Seungmin’s eyes are wide with astonishment but he doesn’t say anything, so Hyunjin continues: “And what the are you wearing? Are you leaving ?”

Seungmin swallows thickly- Hyunjin sees the movement on his throat. Seungmin looks away and then calmly, he turns the stove off. He doesn’t look at Hyunjin for a very long time, the silence stretching uncomfortably, the fear and panic and anger lurching in Hyunjin’s guts and makes him feel a little nauseated. He doesn’t know what’s Seungmin is thinking, but he does know that whatever it is, Hyunjin will not like it, not even a tiny bit.

“We can’t keep doing this, you know,” Seungmin starts in a small voice. The fear quickly rises up Hyunjin’s throat and he really is going to puke now. “We can’t be doing this forever.”

“Why not?” Hyunjin challenges. Why the not? Why can’t they do this anymore? Why can’t they be like this, having each other by their sides forever? Hyunjin doesn’t understand. Does Seungmin not love him anymore? Does Seungmin not want him any longer? Does Seungmin not want to be with him?

“You know it’s not like that, love,” Seungmin is suddenly so close to him, his warm hands on Hyunjin’s cheeks again and only then does Hyunjin realize he’d been saying his thoughts out loud. “I love you and I always will. I’d never want to leave you if I had the choice-”

“You do have a choice!” Hyunjin cuts in. His eyes starts to get blurry with tears again. He hates this. He hates this so much. “You can stay here with me. You don’t have to leave.”

“For how much longer are we going to do this, Jinnie?” Seungmin gives a sad smile. There’s a sympathetic look in his eyes and Hyunjin hates that too. “Aren’t you tired? Sooner or later, we’ll have to move on. You have to move on.”

“Well then, we can do that later . Just stay home today. Please,” Hyunjin pleads, not caring how pathetic and selfish he sounds. He’s desperate to make Seungmin change his mind about leaving their home today. He can’t do this. No. He can’t stand the thoughts of having to hear Seungmin died again, of having to accept Seungmin will leave him and never coming back.

“I’m sorry,” is what Seungmin says. He still has that sad smile playing on his lips, but he seems determined of the choice he made. “Maybe it’s time we let the day play out how it’s supposed to be.”

“No.”

“Hyunjin, please?”

“No,” Hyunjin shakes his head, letting the tears escape his eyes. “Please, don’t do this. Seungmin.”

“I’m so sorry…”

“Seungmin,” Hyunjin grips Seungmin’s elbow in a desperate hold when the younger tries to move away. “Seungmin, please .”

“Come see me later,” Seungmin says instead, with a shaky smile and watery eyes, gently releasing Hyunjin’s hand from his elbow. “I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait.”

“No, no, no. Please don’t go,” Hyunjin cries openly now, hopelessly following Seungmin around. “Stop it. Please,” he says when he sees Seungmin grabbing his blazer and bag, and slipping his shoes on. “Kim Seungmin, I swear to god. If you step out of that door-”

“I’ll wait,” Seungmin interjects, his back against Hyunjin. He takes a deep breath in and out before taking a glance at Hyunjin over his shoulder. “I’ll wait for you,” he repeats. A tear trickles down his cheek as he turns away, walking out that door and then he’s gone, leaving Hyunjin to cry alone on the floor.

It’s dark in the apartment now.

Hyunjin stays sitting on the floor, legs hugged close to his chest. He doesn’t have any tears left to cry, so he’s just staring at the door with empty eyes, waiting for someone he already knew will not be coming home.

He hears the ring of his phone, the sound muffled and almost unheard considering how that thing is in their room, probably under the sheets or on the floor. Hyunjin can’t be bothered to get up and answer it, so he simply doesn’t.

When Hyunjin wakes up on the bed instead of on the floor of the hallway, he knows the day’s restarted again. His body feels heavy from the mental and emotional exhaustion, so Hyunjin doesn’t get up. Instead he turns away from Seungmin’s side of the bed to stare at the window.

He hears Seungmin getting out of the bathroom, feels Seungmin’s stare burning holes on his back but Hyunjin doesn’t turn to look at him. He’s so, so exhausted- anger and disappointment and dread settling deep inside his being.

After a while, the mattress behind him dips from another weight pressing on it and Hyunjin instinctively closes his eyes. He feels Seungmin leaning closer, smells the scent that is so distinctively Seungmin and then Seungmin’s hand find his under the blanket.

“I love you,” Seungmin mumbles into Hyunjin’s hair. “I’ll wait for you.”

Seungmin presses a kiss on Hyunjin’s temple, and then one on his cheek. The weight slowly gets up, leaving Hyunjin alone again on the bed.

The silence accompanies Hyunjin the whole day.

And then the phone rings.

Hyunjin doesn’t pick up.

8.

“This rain is ing crazy,” the slightly tipsy Jisung comments, but he’s giggling as he lets the rain drops touch his hand. Felix had gone home before them, deciding to take a cab while Seungmin and Jisung are supposed to get on the bus few blocks away from where there are when the rain started to pour very heavily. It’s just their (rotten) luck that neither of them brought an umbrella with them so now they’re stuck standing outside a random store, taking shelter from the rain.

Seungmin is feeling slightly tipsy as well because both Jisung and himself are lightweight drinkers. He feels a little good, though, and happy that he gets to meet his friends that night after months of only communicating with each other through chats and occasional phone calls, so he didn’t mind treating himself some drinks with his friends as a mini celebration even though he still has to go to work tomorrow. He wishes Hyunjin was there with them to complete their little circle of friends, but that’s okay. He understands how busy Hyunjin is at work. Besides, there’s always next time. They can definitely arrange another dinner out like this once Hyunjin’s done with their new project.

Seungmin misses Hyunjin though. Unknowingly, a small pout appears on his face and Jisung laughs loudly at this.

“You guys are so grossly cute,” Jisung says. Seungmin might have said his thoughts aloud, he belatedly realizes. “You guys see each other every day, and you still miss him?”

“Han Jisung, I haven’t seen him for the past fourteen hours. I am allowed to miss him,” Seungmin retorts. Jisung cackles obnoxiously at this.

“Overly attached lovers,” Jisung teases, but the smile on his face is a fond one. “Can you see the traffic lights from here? I can’t see that far because I am blind without my glasses.”

“The traffic light is only 300 meters away, Han Jisung,” Seungmin rolls his eyes, but still has to squint because Seungmin can’t see that well without his glasses, too. The lights appear out of focus, but at least he can see the colors. “It’s still red,” he continues.

“Well, it’s going to turn green again soon. Wanna race?” Jisung grins.

Seungmin raises his eyebrow, but there’s a grin on his face as well. “To the bus stop? I’m in,” Seungmin agrees, fixing the strap of his sling bag on his shoulder as he gets ready to run once the lights for pedestrians turn green. Seungmin normally wouldn’t do reckless, childish things like this but hey, he’s allowed to have a little fun with his friend every once in a while too, right?

Jisung is getting himself ready as well, adjusting his hat and bouncing on the heels of his feet in anticipation. He even goes as far as stretching his arms and rolling his neck in an obvious show of exaggeration that makes Seungmin think some people and things really don’t change with time, and he loves that.

“Hey, let me know if the light’s turned green-” As soon as the words leave Jisung’s mouth, Seungmin looks up and notices the lights have already turned green so Seungmin runs off immediately before announcing it to Jisung. “Hey, no fair!!” Jisung shouts but Seungmin can hear him laughing and running closely behind.

While Seungmin’s busy trying to run and avoid bumping into other pedestrians, Jisung managed to run past him towards the diagonal crossings to get on the other side quicker. “Hah! See you later loser!”

Seungmin laughs at the turn of events, but doesn’t want to give up just yet. His shoes are all soaked wet by now, his hair sticking on his forehead but Seungmin feels alive, feels the adrenaline rush in his veins as the distance between him and Jisung turns shorter. Just a little bit more and he’ll be able to catch up with his friend-

Seungmin abruptly stops in his tracks, watching Jisung runs into the road as the light for pedestrians above of him turns red. Seungmin feels the panic rising, feels the blood draining from his face when the cars start moving again, terrified they won’t see his friend, especially in his dark outfits under the pouring rain. “Jisung! Jisung! No!” he shouts and without even thinking he runs after his friend. He sees a car approaching Jisung fast while the driver seems busy arguing on the phone and god, if anything happens to his friend, Seungmin will never forgive himself so he runs faster and faster towards Jisung who is suddenly stunned frozen seeing the approaching headlights-

The blinding headlights. The deafening sound of the loud screeching tyres. And then there’s pain and red, red, red and then there are images of Hyunjin and their life together flashing before his eyes-

No. Not like this. Please. Hyunjin will never forgive him . No. No. No. No. This isn’t it. No-

And then there’s nothing at all.

Seungmin gathers the tap water in his hands and splashes them onto his face. The water is cold, but not quite enough of a distraction to make him stop shaking, to make his heart beat stops racing so much like it’s going to pop out of his chest. The fear of not knowing what would and could happen to him, to Hyunjin is a constant thing since the first loop, always leaving him wondering if this would be the last time he would wake up, the last time for him to see Hyunjin, to hold him close in his arms, to kiss him. The loop gives him chance to get prepared, to say his apologies to Hyunjin and say his last goodbye before he leaves, but Seungmin doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready for that. Neither Hyunjin nor himself would, in all honesty.

Seungmin is absentmindedly brushing his teeth in silence when the bathroom door is pushed open. His eyes widen slightly when he sees Hyunjin through the reflection of the mirror, entering the bathroom and quietly walking to where Seungmin is. Seungmin spits into the sink and rinses his mouth so he could turn around and face Hyunjin, but before he could, Hyunjin slips his arms around Seungmin’s waist and presses his forehead on Seungmin’s shoulder.

“Jinnie?” Seungmin calls out gently, hesitant arms lying atop of Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin doesn’t say anything so Seungmin waits and waits until his body slowly relaxes against Hyunjin’s, until their heartbeats and breathing match into one.

“I’ve been so selfish,” Hyunjin murmurs on Seungmin’s shoulder. “It must have hurt a lot. You must have been in so much pain,” Hyunjin turns Seungmin around to hug him and bursts out crying. “I’m so sorry.”

Tears quickly gather in Seungmin’s eyes as he hugs Hyunjin back. “ I’m the one who’s sorry,” Seungmin says, swallowing the lump down his throat but he lets the tears fall from his eyes. It breaks his heart to see Hyunjin like this, to think that he wouldn’t be able to hold Hyunjin and comfort him anymore when he’s gone. Will Hyunjin be okay? Will he be able to wake up to the sound of his alarm every morning to go to work? Will he be able to make himself foods to eat? Will he remember to stop working so much and get some rest?

“I love you so much…”

“Will you come see me today then?” Seungmin smiles sadly. Hyunjin cries and cries, and it’s heartbreaking to hear him sob so much, and Seungmin knows Hyunjin is scared but he’s trying to be brave, to not want to make things any harder so he nods his head, and for that Seungmin is thankful.

This is where they part to go to their respective workplace, but neither of them makes a move to leave.

Hyunjin is staring at Seungmin, and Seungmin is staring back at him, their eyes wistful and lips slightly curled up in sadness. When Hyunjin touches Seungmin’s face with his hand, thumb softly tracing Seungmin’s eyebrow, the bridge of his nose, his cheek and finally his lips, Seungmin lets him. When Hyunjin leans forward and presses his lips on Seungmin’s, Seungmin lets him.

In the end, it’s Seungmin who has to make a move first. He gives one last peck on Hyunjin’s lips and pulls away, locking his gaze with Hyunjin’s. “Come see me, yeah?”

Hyunjin swallows thickly, eyebrows frowning but he forces a smile and nods his head, while his eyes are suspiciously misty.

“I’ll wait for you,” Seungmin reminds Hyunjin, taking backward steps as he usually does. He waves goodbye at Hyunjin and Hyunjin waves his hand back at him, his teeth biting down on his quivering lips. Seungmin gives Hyunjin his best smile and shouts “I love you!”, before rounding the corner of the brick fence and leaning against it, his body shaking with so much sadness and fear, tears spilling from his eyes again and fists clenched tight to stop himself from crying out loud.

Truth be told, Seungmin is scared, too, and he is hurt but it’s not physical pain that hurts the most; it’s the reality of having to leave Hyunjin behind forever that does.

Seungmin does not end up going to work.

Instead, he heads to the supermarket to buy lots of groceries stock for home, as well as ingredients needed for the meals he’s going to cook for Hyunjin. He buys lots of cards and chocolates and candies and other snacks because Hyunjin loves those and Seungmin wants to indulge him one last time so he fill up the whole cart, and then laughing at himself for being so stupid for buying this much stuffs because who’s going to help carry them all?

Who’s going to help Hyunjin carry all the stuff when he shops for groceries? That clumsy guy wouldn’t be able to step out of the mart without dropping anythi-

His laughter dies in his throat at this, his hands tightening on the shopping cart. He doesn’t care the weird looks he gets from other people around him because this is finally sinking in in his head. He’s really going to die, isn’t he? He’ll be separated far, far away from Hyunjin, won’t he? No more holding Hyunjin in his arms, no more seeing his smile, no more hearing his voice and laughter and lame jokes, no more waking up to Hyunjin’s serene face next to him?

“That’s ing crazy,” Seungmin laughs shakily, humorlessly. He knew this day would come, knew he would have to leave Hyunjin but god, it’s really not ing easy at all. “No one said it would be easy, idiot,” Seungmin tells himself. He takes a deep breath in and out, in and out, in and out. Once he feels calm enough, he calls a cab to head home with all the things he bought.

Time is running out. Seungmin knows this. That’s why he’s rushing around the house- cleaning all the rooms, doing all the laundry, putting the groceries and snacks in their respective places, cooking meals while writing letters and cards in between his breaks. He’s always been good at multitasking anyway, so it really isn’t a problem to him.

By the time he hung the last piece of cloth, putting the last container in the fridge and the last card in the box with Hyunjin’s name written on it, it’s already time to go out and meet Felix and Jisung. He’d requested to meet them earlier and even though they complained at first, Seungmin managed to convince them to meet sooner than their planned time.

Seungmin places the letters to Hyunjin, Jisung and Felix neatly on the table where it’s easy for them to find. After that, he gives the house one final look. He’s going to miss this, going to miss a lot of things but before the sadness takes over again, Seungmin quickly slips his shoes on and opens the door to walk out. Then, pressing his hand on it, Seungmin says: “Keep Hyunjin safe. Goodbye.”

“Do you guys remember when we were 5, I fell down and scraped my knee, and Hyunjin cried harder than I did because he thought I was going to die?” Seungmin smiles. Jisung almost chokes on his drink as he remembers the memory, swallowing quickly and barks out a loud laugh, joining Felix.

“Oh man,” Jisung says. “He really thought you were going to die just ‘cause of a tiny scratch.”

“Wait, dude, didn’t we cry too?” Felix raises his eyebrows.

“I think we did. I remember feeling scared, not for Seungmin but for Hyunjin because he was full-on crying.”

“He’s so silly,” Seungmin smiles wider, almost wistfully. “Such a crybaby. He cried a lot when Timmy the goldfish died, too.”

“Oh my god, he did,” Jisung laughs again. “We’d only known the fish for like, what, 5 hours? And then he suddenly died and Hyunjin cried the hardest.”

“He’s really such a crybaby,” Felix chugs on his drink and shakes his head fondly.

“You guys cried with him too,” Seungmin teases lightly. “Only I didn’t cry. Thinking back, it was stupid. I didn’t cry because I was mad, at Timmy , because he made Hyunjin cry.”

“Oh my god!” both Jisung and Felix shudders in mock-disgust. “Felix, they’re the grossest, cutest pair of people out there. I’m gonna puke.”

“Dude, that was cheesy and sappy,” Felix agrees that make Seungmin laughs. He enjoys making his friends “grossed out” by his and Hyunjin’s cheesiness and domesticity. Deep inside, Seungmin knows they don’t really mind. They’re the most supportive and bestest friends he and Hyunjin could ever ask for.

Seungmin lets the conversation dies down first before asking: “Can you guys promise me something?”

“Promise you what?” Jisung asks, stuffing his mouth with sushi. Before he even finishes chewing and swallowing the sushi in his mouth, Jisung’s already stuffing another one into his mouth.

“...Promise me you won’t choke on sushi and die,” he says and right after saying that, Jisung chokes but is quickly saved by Felix offering him the glass of water.

“,” Jisung swallows the food and downs the rest of the drink. “You really almost made me choke and die.”

“You should eat slowly. No one’s stealing them from you,” Seungmin clicks his tongue in disapproval, although his hand is taking the napkin to wipe Jisung’s mouth.

“Dude, don’t worry about me. As long as I have Felix, I’ll be fine.”

“You’re older than Felix. You should take care of him .”

“Older only by a day!” they both say in unison.

“All of you are older than me and yet I’m the one always taking care of you anyway,” Seungmin rolls his eyes.

“ Because that’s your job as the youngest; making sure all the big brothers are well taken care of,” Jisung grins.

“Screw you,” Seungmin can’t help but to grin as well. Sure, Hyunjin and Jisung and Felix could be a handful sometimes especially when they’re together but Seungmin loves every one of them dearly and that even though he nags at them a lot, he’s only doing it because he genuinely cares and wants only the best for them all. Seungmin thinks they know this- hope they knew.

“You’re so good at it, too,” Felix comments, and that only makes Seungmin smiles wider.

“Promise me one thing?” Seungmin tries again, gaining the attention of his best friends.

“Promise you what?”

“When I can’t be with Hyunjin, promise you’ll check up on him often?”

“Oh? Are you going somewhere? Another business trip?”

“...Yeah.”

“Aww Hyunjin is going to mope around again!”

“No. He’s gonna cry. A lot.” Felix grins and Jisung laughs in agreement. Seungmin feels his heart sink deeper.

“He’s going to be a little sad. I just need you guys to make sure he’s eating and resting, and that he knows he’s not alone.”

“Don’t you worry,” Jisung waves his hand dismissively. “We’ll make sure he’ll eat and sleep.”

“If he cries, I’ll take a picture and send to you.”

“Or better yet, we’ll take a video!”

“Idiots,” Seungmin says with a small smile. Maybe he’ll just make Hyunjin promise not to cry so much, but if he does end up crying a lot…at least he knows Jisung and Felix will be there for him.

“Thanks for dinner tonight, Minnie!” Felix waves his hand from the passenger seat of Jisung’s car.

“A party pooper though for not allowing alcohol to be consumed,” Jisung scrunches his nose at Seungmin.

“You’re driving. I can’t let you drink alcohol. Not even a sip. Be a responsible driver, Jisung. Remember that!”

“Pshh,” Jisung dismisses. “Speaking of which, you made me drive here. Are you sure you don’t need a ride? You usually want a free ride. I can drop you off at Hyunjin’s workplace or something.”

“I’m sure. I’m actually gonna go there after this,” he lies. “I wanna surprise him. I don’t want you guys there with me so his attention will all be on me.”

“Wow, amazing! Winners for the most disgusting couple for ten years in a row this year,” Jisung fake-gags while Felix only laughs.

“But really though, you guys are headed the opposite direction of where Hyunjin’s workplace is. You don’t need to drop me off anywhere.”

“Are you sure?” Jisung asks again.

“Positive.”

“It looks like it’s gonna rain though,” Felix observes. He gets out of the car again after getting an umbrella from the backseat to give to Seungmin. “Here.”

Seungmin eyes the umbrella and then takes it into his hand. “Thanks,” he says.

“Hey,” Jisung calls out, his voice quieter and when Seungmin looks at him, he has a slight frown on his face. “You alright? Everything’s okay, right?”

Seungmin is surprised by the questions but confirms with the nods of his head, although everything is far from being okay.

“That’s good to know,” Jisung smiles gently. “I thought maybe you had a fight with Hyunjin or something.”

“If they did fight- which I’m sure they didn’t!- they’d make up with each other in the next ten minutes or earlier,” Felix smiles widely.

“That’s true,” Seungmin chuckles. Seungmin takes a look at his watch and announces: “I better get going. Thanks for tonight. I had so much fun.”

“It’s fine,” Jisung smiles and hugs Seungmin. “We should do it more often just like the old times.”

Seungmin tightens his arms around Jisung and presses the lower part of his face on Jisung’s shoulder. He does the same to Felix, lingering a little longer in the hugs than he usually does. He doesn’t know if it’s possible, doesn’t know where he will end up, but he’s going to miss his best friends so much. They should have done this a lot more, no matter how busy they are with their works and their own lives. Life is such a fleeting thing, time isn’t as infinite as one would think it is. Seungmin regrets it, but it’s already too late.

“You guys should stop working so much too. Damn,” Seungmin gives a watery laugh. The rain suddenly pours, causing Jisung and Felix to rush getting into the car so they fail to notice the shake in Seungmin’s voice, the tears in his eyes and the wistful smile on his face. He opens the umbrella and stays where he is, wanting to send his friends off before leaving. “Drive safely, Jisung.”

“You sure you don’t wanna go with us? This rain is ing crazy.”

Seungmin laughs. “I’m sure. Take care you guys.”

“You take care too, alright?” Felix shouts to be heard by Seungmin since the sound of the rain is so loud. “See you again soon.”

It takes a lot for Seungmin not to cry. He nods his head and waves his hand. “I love you guys.”

“What?” they both ask, not hearing what he said.

“I said I love you guys!” Seungmin repeats himself, complete with making a small heart with his thumb and finger.

“What the hell? You drank a little, didn’t you?” Jisung playfully accuses while Felix coos and returns the heart at Seungmin. “We love you too,” Jisung smiles and then shudders. “Oh my god, gross. We’re really going now!” they wave their hands at him and roll the window up.

“I’m going, too,” he says quietly, stepping back a little and waving back, watching as the car moves further and further away until it disappears from his view.

Seungmin stands outside of the convenience store, phone pressed to his ear and a smile on his face as he talks to his mom on the other end of the line. He’d visited his family four times out of the many loops and yet, it still isn’t enough, would never be enough. He’d created many new, beautiful memories with them, though, and even if they would not have any memories of it, Seungmin is glad that at least he remembers and that they’re the last memories of them he’ll be carrying with him. Only good things, precious things, happy things. He’ll remember their smiles and laughters and maybe he’ll be less cold, less scared when the time comes.

“Mom, I love you. Please be healthy. Tell dad that I love him too,” Seungmin says into the receiver as he leaves the convenience store and walks towards the pedestrian crossing. “I’m ending the call now. I’m meeting Jinnie.” “Yeah. Okay, bye. Good night. I love you,” Seungmin ends the call, standing with the other pedestrians as they wait for the light to turn green. Seungmin his lips nervously, shaky hand gripping the handle of the umbrella and cautious eyes looking around the area. Even though Seungmin already knew what will happen next, this part is always the scariest. Seungmin tries to be brave, tries to be accepting of his fate because he can’t be avoiding this forever.

“Hyunjin will be there,” he whispers to himself. “He promised. He’ll be there this time.” Seungmin holds his phone tightly, and then presses his hand on his bag. He’d put Hyunjin’s details in anywhere possible so they’ll find his number sooner and call him, and Hyunjin will make it to the hospital on time.

“He will be there,” he convinces himself. From afar, a driver loses control over his car in the pouring rain, the headlights approaching fast and it’s a pregnant lady this time standing frozen on the road. That’s two lives instead of one, and the unborn child deserves a chance to live so Seungmin doesn’t hesitate, pulling the lady away and feeling the car hit him instead.

I will wait for you, Seungmin thinks, and lets the darkness takes over.

When Seungmin opens his eyes, the first thing he notices is the white ceiling, blurry at first and then slowly sharpening the more he blinks. He’s tired and disoriented though, and so, so cold and seemingly all alone in the room, and now he’s scared because what if Hyunjin’s not coming again and Seungmin will really die this time without saying proper goodbye and never waking up anymore?

The tears gathering in his eyes are warm compared to the temperature of the room. He’s so exhausted and weak and can’t move any of his limbs and he’s scared and he doesn’t want to do this alone and-

And then, the door to his room slides open, a panting Hyunjin rushing to the bed and carefully grabbing Seungmin’s hand in his.

“You- you came. You finally came,” Seungmin chuckles weakly, relief spreading over his chest.

“I- I don’t want to keep you waiting,” Hyunjin chokes. “Minnie- god. Baby- I-”

“Hey,” Seungmin forces his hand to move to cup Hyunjin’s cheek and wipes the tears away. “Don’t cry. You look ugly when you cry.” Hyunjin gives a shaky smile but more tears trickle down his cheeks. “It’s so cold…”

Hyunjin sniffles and reclines the bed a little. He carefully takes a seat on the bed and takes off his coat to put it on Seungmin. Seungmin only smiles at him, hand reaching out for Hyunjin’s, who immediately grabs it in his to give it a light squeeze. Seungmin feels calm with Hyunjin here with him, but his body feels so heavy with exhaustion and he feels rather sleepy now as well. He knows he doesn’t have much time left.

“I’m so sorry, Jinnie,” Seungmin starts. Hyunjin presses his lips into a thin line and shakes his head, entwining their fingers together. “I’m sorry it has to be this way. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m not leaving because I want to. Not because I don’t love you. I love you so much, you...you know that right?”

Hyunjin wipes the tears on his cheeks with the back of his hand harshly, choking out a sob. “Of course I do, you stupid. I-I love you too.”

“I don’t want you to feel sad and afraid. Please be happy. Don’t skip your meals and work too much and stay up late watching random videos of puppies on youtube.”

“Seungminnie…” Hyunjin cries this time, bringing their hands up and pressing his lips on Seungmin’s hand.

“Shh. It’ll be okay. It’ll take a while, but it’ll be alright. You’ll be okay.” Hyunjin doesn’t seem to believe that. Seungmin knows Hyunjin will be alright, though. Eventually, he’ll be okay, because his Jinnie is strong and brave and Seungmin believes in him.

“Jinnie, I was cold and afraid, but now that you’re here with me, I’m no longer scared. Thank you for being here, for everything. For loving me. You made me the happiest guy alive,” Seungmin gives a sleepy smile. His eyelids are turning really heavy now, his vision losing focus several times.

“No. You made me the happiest guy alive,” Hyunjin insists.

A tired chuckle. “Arguable.” “Can you kiss me?”

Hyunjin tries to smile and nods his head once. He leans forward and presses a soft kiss on Seungmin’s lips.

“Hug me. It’s cold,” he requests next. Hyunjin seems hesitant at first, afraid of hurting Seungmin, but he removes the coat separating them both and carefully pulls Seungmin into his arms. He has his hand on Seungmin’s nape as Seungmin’s presses his face on the crook of Hyunjin’s neck. Hyunjin’s feels so warm against him, and he smells like the rain and home and Seungmin lets himself moves closer to the inviting darkness.

“I’m so tired. Is it okay if I go to sleep?” Can you let me go?

Hyunjin doesn’t answer, but Seungmin feels Hyunjin hugging him closer. He feels the shake of Hyunjin’s body and how his tears are wetting his shirt. Seungmin presses his lips on Hyunjin’s neck and then: “Jinnie, love?”

“It’s okay,” Hyunjin eventually says, his voice thick and broken. “Rest if you’re tired. It’s okay.”

“Thank you. I love you, Hwang Hyunjin.”

“I love you more, Kim Seungmin.”

“I love you the most,” Seungmin whispers.

“I never once doubted that.”

“Promise me you won't cry anymore after this.” Hyunjin only manages a small nod at this but that's enough for Seungmin.

Then, a tired smile and slow flutter of the eyes. “Goodnight, Jinnie…” Goodbye.

“Goodnight, baby. Sleep tight.”

So Seungmin does.

9.

Hyunjin’s day starts off with the silence of the room greeting him.

There isn’t the sound of someone shouting his name to get up when Hyunjin wakes up that morning, bleary eyes trying to adjust to the brightness of the room. There’s no familiar voice humming to a song, nor the sound of tap water running down the sink. Instead, there’s only silence surrounding the room accompanied by the sound of the ticking clock on the wall. Slowly, his mind begins to clear, consciousness and reality sinking in and Hyunjin wants nothing more than just to curl further into the bed- now cold with too much space for just one person. His face feels sticky with dried tears, eyes swollen from crying himself to sleep, heart broken to pieces and Hyunjin feels numb but hurting all at the same time.

Hyunjin doesn’t move for a very long time, but eventually he does get up to go to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. The silence is even more deafening in the rest of the house, the soft pads of his feet on the wooden floor echoing loudly in the quiet hallway.

The kitchen is clean, with no unwashed dishes in the sink, no plates and mugs on the table, no coffee in the jug, no home-cooked breakfast and no-

No Seungmin.

Hyunjin bites down hard on his lower lip as he makes his way to the fridge, and when he pulls the fridge’s door open, a voice startles him- Seungmin’s voice to be precise. He whips his head to the source of the sound, frowning when he realizes it comes from his phone that he’d left at the kitchen counter last night after coming back from Seungmin's wake.

Hwang Hyunjin, wake up~ It’s time to get up and go to work! Don’t forget to make breakfast. Hey, are you still on the bed? I said wake up! Rise and shine!

Hyunjin’s breathing starts to get heavier from the emotions he’s feeling. When did Seungmin recorded that and set it as his alarm? Did he do it yesterday while Hyunjin was not looking? Oh god, I can’t do this , Hyunjin thinks, so he lets the alarm replay in the background and shifts his gaze to the fridge. Hyunjin gasps loudly however, his eyes widening in surprise seeing how it’s filled to the brim with pre-cooked meals nicely packed in containers. The shock is quickly replaced with longing and sadness, eyes watering again and sobs beginning to bubble up his throat until he’s crying loudly.

Hyunjin hears the doorbell rings, but he doesn’t budge from the kitchen floor, his back against the counter. Then come the knocks, soft at first but turn rapid with urgency as time goes by.

“Hyunjin?” the voice outside is muffled by the door. He isn’t the slightest bit surprised to hear someone pressing the passcode of the door because anyone who are closest to Hyunjin and Seungmin knew they use their combined birthdays as their passcode. He knows it’s Jisung and Felix, and for some reasons, that only makes Hyunjin cry harder as he buries the lower half of his face on his knees.

“Hyunjin?” Jisung crouches down first and when Hyunjin’s gaze meets the younger’s, he immediately hugs Jisung.

“Seungmin,” Hyunjin shuts his eyes tight, holding on to Jisung tightly. “He-. He’s gone ,” he cries.

“Hyunjin…” Hyunjin feels rather than sees Felix kneeling down on the floor, feels Felix hugging Hyunjin’s back in hope to give him comfort. “God. We’re so sorry for your loss, Jinnie,” he says, his voice thick and raspier than usual, as if he’d been crying all night too.

“I’m sorry it had to be this way,” Jisung then adds, voice and body quivering, before bursting out crying. Hyunjin is sad and sorry as well that things have to be this way, but no matter how hard or desperate his efforts were, how much he wanted for things to change, fate isn’t something you can alter. Hyunjin knows that.

Jisung and Felix cry with Hyunjin, holding on to each other tightly through this tough time. All the four of them have known each other since they were kids, watched each other grew up, been through highs and lows together, and now one of them is gone, four turned to three and the void is glaring. Hyunjin’s lost his love, his other half, his best friend, his- everything , but so have Jisung and Felix. Their love for Seungmin might be different than the love Hyunjin has for him, but it doesn’t change the fact that they have lost their brother and best friend, doesn’t mean the pain is any lesser than the one Hyunjin feels. Even though it doesn’t feel right, Hyunjin still feels strangely relieved to know Jisung and Felix will go through this with him, finds odd comfort knowing that other people hurt the same like he does.

As much as Hyunjin wants to stay like this, curled up in the arms of his best friends and cry some more, he knows he has to get up eventually because Seungmin is waiting for them, so he allows Felix and Jisung to help him get up, help him wash up and then dress him up in suits for the funeral.

10.

Seungmin’s smile is warm and bright— a clear contrast of the heavy, dark sky crying along with the people in the hall. Hyunjin doesn’t cry not because he doesn’t have any more tears left but because he promised Seungmin he wouldn’t. Even though he did break the promise that morning and the night before by crying his heart out, Hyunjin will put a brave facade on today so Seungmin doesn’t have to know what happened in the confines of their shared bedroom hours before he left the apartment.

(Seungmin wouldn’t know anyway, would he now?)

Seungmin doesn’t say anything— can’t say anything anymore , not without a single breath left in him. Instead, the same smiley picture of him does the talking. It doesn’t say things will be okay (because they won’t. At least, not in a long while), but it’s reminding Hyunjin that he will be alright, I’ll watch over you from above and that I love you so much .

If Hyunjin listens closely, his ears can catch the sound of a humming voice almost drowned by the pouring rain outside. It’s familiar and soothing, and when Hyunjin closes his eyes, he feels warm presence enveloping his back. He allows his lips to form a small smile, whispering “I love you .”

A gentle breeze caresses his face, feather-light like the kisses that Seungmin loved to press all over Hyunjin’s face when he thought Hyunjin was still asleep and didn’t want to wake him up and-

-and the reality is hitting him hard again.

Seungmin is gone. There will be no more of these kisses Hyunjin can get, nor will there be anyone who will shout for him to wake up in the morning anymore. Hyunjin won’t get to hear Seungmin’s voice singing the latest hit songs ever again, won’t fall asleep with Seungmin in his arms, won’t wake up to a world where Seungmin still exists.

Hyunjin doesn’t realize he’s trembling until he feels the arms wrapping around him tightly and holding him up straight, which Hyunjin is grateful of because Hyunjin doesn’t think he could do it on his own with how weak his knees suddenly feel. Tears begin to pool in his eyes, the quiet whimpers and sobs of his friends and family members are making it hard for Hyunjin to hold back the tears from falling.

Hey, you promised not to cry , Hyunjin can almost hear Seungmin say it in his head. And you promised not to leave me , Hyunjin tells the voice.

When Hyunjin opens his eyes again, Seungmin is still smiling at him, this time as if saying his apology to Hyunjin and saying his last goodbye. There’s another quiet hustle of wind hitting him gently again, and then Hyunjin feels cold and empty and he knows Seungmin is really gone now.

Hyunjin decides it’s okay to break his promise again and cry. Afterall, Seungmin broke his promise too.

0.

Hyunjin’s day started off with him blinking awake to a still dark room.

Morning was approaching, dawn slowly replaced by the sun rising up from the horizon. Hyunjin’s gaze moved to the still sleeping figure beside him, a soft smiles making its way onto his face. It was rare for him to be awake first before Seungmin, but Hyunjin loved and treasures this kind of morning- moments where he could look at Seungmin and appreciate him like this in the silence and stillness of the room.

Hyunin stayed staring at Seungmin like that for a while, Seungmin’s features soft and free of troubles and worries, just listening to his calm breathing- his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm. Moments like this served as a reminder to Hyunjin of how lucky he was to be with Seungmin, of how fulfilling it was to have someone to love and be loved in return. It was nice and comforting to know he had found someone to go through everything in this life with, to know he did not have to fear anything because he had Seungmin in his life.

With a fond smile on Hyunjin’s face, he watched how Seungmin slowly woke up, from the little stir of his body, eyes blinking open and to the hand rubbing the lingering sleepiness on his eyes. Seungmin reached for his phone on the nightstand, only realizing Hyunjin was already awake when he glanced up at him.

“Oh, you’re already awake,” Seungmin stated instead of asking, voice hushed as if he did not want to break the tranquility of the morning in their bedroom. He gave a sleepy smile and then leaned forward to give a good morning peck on Hyunjin’s lips. “This only happens once in a blue moon. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket later.”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes in mock offense, but the grin on his face gave him away. “We’re never lucky with those things, though.”

“Who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky this time.”

“I’ve already used up all of my lucks the moment you said yes to be with me.”

“Too early for cheese, Hwang Hyunjin,” Seungmin chuckled. “Are you hungry? I’ll cook us breakfast,” Seungmin offered.

“No,” Hyunjin quickly pulled Seungmin closer to him before the younger guy could move and get up. “I’m not hungry.”

“But maybe I am?”

Hyunjin considered this briefly. “Then maybe I can cook you something...”

“The last time you tried to cook, you almost burn down the whole kitchen,” Seungmin teased.

“...That was one time.”

Seungmin laughed and looped an arm around Hyunjin’s waist in a hug. “I’m not that hungry, no. But when I do get hungry, I guess I’ll just feed on Hyunjin’s love for me.”

Hyunjin sputtered into an incredulous laugh, the sound loud in the calmness of the room. “I can’t believe you.” He felt rather than saw Seungmin smile, his lips pressed onto Hyunjin’s collarbone curling up slightly. “You are cheesier than I am.”

“I learn from the best, after all.”

They fell into a comfortable silence after that, just enjoying each other’s presence. Hyunjin’s hand found Seungmin’s, fingers intertwined together in a perfect fit.

“I don’t want to do anything today,” Hyunjin broke the silence. “I just want to stay here. Just like this.”

“We need to restock our groceries today, though,” Seungmin reminded him. Hyunjin only tangled his legs with Seungmin, letting go of his hand so he could wrap the younger guy in a tight hug.

“No. You’re not leaving this bed. You’re not going anywhere.”

Seungmin laughed but he did not put up a fight to untangle himself from Hyunjin. “Okay, you big baby. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good.”

“Right here in your arms is my favorite place on earth. I’m going to stay here forever,” Seungmin half-joked but the other half being sincere with what he just said, gaining a laugh from Hyunjin.

“Okay. Stay here. This is where you belong,” Hyunjin’s laugh faded into a loving smile, to which Seungmin returned with his own.

“Okay,” Seungmin agreed and then pressed his lips on Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin smiled into the kiss, happy and content of where he was in this life, with who he was sharing all his moments in life with.

Honestly, when he was with Seungmin like this, everything else just ceased to matter. Whatever happened, as long as they have each other by their side, Hyunjin knew things would be okay.